It’s a pattern of devastating hurt. Safety and security are risked again and again. First introduced as the evil step mothers in Cinderella and Snow White, we have even more extreme portrayals of unhealthy mother-daughter relationships such as in White Oleander, Flowers in the Attic or The Sixth Sense where Mrs. Collins poisons her daughter Kyra to get attention from others. Characters we learn to hate due to their psychological and sometimes homicidal behaviors and repeated abuse of their offspring. These characters represent dramatic examples meant to produce an emotional reaction and feelings of protection by the audience for the daughters who are survivors of such abuse.
What about the real-life experiences of attachment trauma? The phenomenon we see for complex trauma survivors who open up about their experiences of their mothers being less than loving? In working with dozens of women over the years, it has become clear that the damage done in a ruptured mother-daughter attachment has long lasting effects. Powerfully captured in Dr. Karyl McBride’s book, Will I Ever Be Good Enough?, daughters go through patterns of grief and loss, questioning their own worth due to the spoken and unspoken messages of their mothers. If young children worry that their parents’ divorce is their fault somehow, it’s not surprising that an adult child of an estranged mother may also feel some sense of responsibility for the damaged relationship.
The responsibility and grief they feel may spur them to come to therapy to find some peace with the estrangement. Let’s take a look at several examples of adult women who are estranged from their mothers after the painful realization that the relationship was unhealthy, unsafe, or unable to shift in ways that felt empowering and worthwhile.
Kendell* has been estranged from her mother for more than 16 years. She left home at 15, got pregnant at an early age, and consumes alcohol daily to calm her nerves. Kendell is a committed mother to her four children, stating she wants to provide for them in ways her mother couldn’t. When engaging Kendell in her trauma work, she recognizes her mother’s mental health challenges prevented affection and her mother saw her as competition for the men she dated, leading to conflict and verbal or physical altercations until Kendell left the family home. Kendell struggles with being gaslit by her mother who still tries to call her occasionally and has enlisted Kendell’s younger sister to convince her that it’s all “water under the bridge now.”
Nicolette* is celebrating seven years sober from heroin. She has identified her childhood consisting of her mom criticizing her looks, weight, and intelligence. Nicolette’s experience with her mom captures a pattern of manipulation through her teenage years which led her to believe she was flawed, unlovable, and mentally ill. She found herself marrying a controlling man and suffering from various addictions until she was able to get a divorce when the relationship turned violent. Although Nicolette entered substance recovery programs voluntarily to get well, her mom accused her of relapse throughout her sobriety, even physically assaulting her and getting Nicolette arrested under false charges due to her stigmatized label as a former drug addict. Nicolette struggled to release herself from family ties in spite of the abuse, believing she had to work harder to earn her mom and other family member’s love. She has been estranged for four years now and finds herself questioning the estrangement 1-2 times per year, asking herself if there was more she could have done.
Sophia’s* father reconnected with her as a teenager, dying of a rare cancer not long after. Raised by a mother who struggled with poverty, mental health, and substances, Sophia was left to take care of herself and her younger brother in their rural upbringing. Sophia was determined to find independence, moving out on her own and pursuing a career as a helping professional. Sophia currently struggles with high anxiety and demands for control. She doesn’t like change and finds herself on edge and reactive when anticipating outreach by her estranged mother every holiday. She struggles with perfectionist tendencies and rigid thinking. Sophia’s goal is to have stability for herself and her family and she maintains strong conviction to remain estranged from her mother. Sophia prides herself on building other meaningful relationships that feel supportive and loving.
Each of these women’s stories is unique and their own yet they have something in common, the grief and loss patterns associated with the ruptured mother-daughter relationship. Some daughters are left wondering if they could have done more to salvage or repair the relationship with their mothers. Others hold anger and determination to be nothing like their mothers. Their therapeutic work could begin with questioning their own role or actions. Or perhaps they have concerns about other relationships present in their life. They may work through the core beliefs of feeling unlovable, unworthy, or a failure in believing they were unable to earn their mother’s love or affection. And eventually, with time, they may redefine their identity without a mother in their life, embracing their strengths and boundaries to support healthy, meaningful relationships with others.
Estrangement Energy, what I call the process for individuals doing this deeper work, can feel exhausting. Here’s the pattern I’ve witnessed in many clients over the years.
· There is a cycle of abuse or patterns of negative behavior that have happened for years between daughters and their mothers.
· The cycle of negative interactions contributes to how the daughter measures her self-worth.
· There is questioning if this pattern will ever shift, improve, or change for the better, especially when the daughter is aware that other mother-daughter relationships look different than their own.
· The relationship rupture happens when the daughter has had enough. She makes moves to distance herself from the pain or abuse experienced in the relationship.
· With space or at the urgings of others in her life, the daughter is prompted to remove the relationship, labeling it as “toxic” and estranged.
· The daughter tends to pursue therapy after the estrangement has happened or is in the process of happening in response to immense hurt, pain, and grief reactions that result from the estrangement.
· Grief and loss followed by new identity development is done in therapeutic settings or through self-discovery over time.
· A new sense of self emerges, with deeper work on self-worth related to core beliefs of being lovable and worthy in relationships.
· The Estrangement Energy Cycle can be triggered to continue if current relationships mirror the estranged mother-daughter relationship, leading to resumed questioning of self-worth.
As you can see from this cycle, it can be an emotionally challenging if not draining process to work through estrangement and what it means to an individual. It’s not an easy or fast process, so here are some ideas to help clients do this meaningful work:
· What’s Your Impression? Understand that some clients will be worried what you think of them as they share their grief and loss of the mothering relationship. Remain curious and neutral, exploring how these worries can become part of the therapeutic process.
· I’m Second-Guessing Myself. It’s not uncommon for a client to question if the estrangement is still valid after a period of time. Like Nicolette mentioned above, perhaps they find themselves checking in to see if the estrangement still feels right. Normalize the experience of questioning and hold space for them to evaluate the pros and cons of resuming contact.
· Reconnection or Relapse? Some of your clients will move from thinking about rekindling an estranged relationship to giving it a try. As therapists, it is important that we do not force our own values on our clients, instead supporting them through the process of outreach and connection with their estranged parent while encouraging healthy boundaries, safety needs, and deeper processing in weekly sessions if needed.
The bravery of daughters and clients who choose to work on themselves in order to heal the attachment trauma they’ve experienced is both powerful and inspiring. My hope is that this introduction to theEstrangement Energy Cycle can support both clients and clinicians alike in the journey to being one step closer to healthy self-worth and a renewed, empowered sense of self.
*Client information has been changed to protect confidentiality.