I have to admit it’s been more than a decade since I’ve dated. With the Millennial generation being so large (people born 1980-1996, roughly), there are still people who are struggling to stay afloat in the ever-changing dating pool. They come to therapy to work on themselves, to address their loneliness, and to identify the characteristics of a supportive partner. They wonder if they should stick with someone who has a few warning signs—what I call yellow flags instead of red ones—or ghost the person. Choosing to ask themselves, am I settling? Is there someone better? Is there too much baggage? All which tie into a bigger theme of exploring how to have an authentic relationship when they feel pressure to conform to mind games, hookup culture, and fears of being hurt, cheated on, or tied down.
I remember showing my spouse an article last year about how hard it was to date in Denver. We were lucky enough to meet in Denver 10 years ago and man how things have changed! It appears that one the biggest factors for change in the past decade is related to social media. What it feels like to see someone we are starting to date posting pictures with others when we weren’t invited to join. How we might craft a negative narrative that they are avoiding us when we locate them on an app that says they’re at a downtown bar. What it means when they are talking to other people, going on various dates, still talk to their ex, or liking attractive strangers’ social media pictures and posts. To be caught up in our own attachment anxiety or trauma.
A professional I work with got me thinking when she said that we are all Disney characters trying to find our person, our purpose, and our happily ever after. Disney. Millennials were the Disney generation, we grew up on Disney! We also developed unrealistic expectations about finding our happily ever after. Expectations that the person must be perfect. Prince Charming. I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with young adult clients who were worried that their relationship was too much work. That something was wrong if they had to put in effort or had counted one too many misunderstandings. Believing the alarm bells should be sounding if they aren’t having sex as often or if they’ve lost the butterfly feeling when they lay eyes on their person.
There is a lot of anxiety about what makes a romantic relationship healthy. Because let’s be real, Disney never showed the amount of effort needed to keep a relationship going. Characters would profess their love, kiss, feel euphoric, and the credits would roll. End of romantic imagery, end of invitation to highlight the challenges of relationship maintenance.
Disney didn’t give us the language to talk about our satisfaction in the relationship. Disney didn’t tell us how it’s predictable to have passionate love more into committed love over time. Instead, Disney gave us messaging about female characters needing to find their partner, their purpose, and their worth in others. So which Disney character are you?* And which Disney villain do you need to vanquish in order to feel whole and worthwhile, just as you are?
Are you Ariel, sheltered by a cautious father, who’s trying to find your voice in your relationship while battling the seductress/sea monster Ursula?
Are you Snow White, dating several (seven) different men while battling the Evil Queen, another woman who sees you as a young, beautiful threat to her happiness?
Are you Mulan, embracing your independence and not looking for a relationship, but wanting your family to be proud of you with or without a partner?
Are you Pocahontas, wanting to start your own family at the risk of misunderstandings, cultural considerations, and threats of violence?
Are you Merida, DunBroch princess struggling to balance your desires for adventure with your obligations to family tradition?
Are you Moana, married to your calling, the ocean being the focus of your affections in lieu of any interest in dating?
Thankfully, Disney has improved over the years, creating stronger, independent female characters for young girls to relate to. Gone are the days of girl-meets-boy-boy-rescues-girl-then-they-live-happily-ever-after-the-end. Yet Disney, combined with boatloads of romantic comedies and books, continue to make us question if we have it right. Are we dating the right person? Are we a worthwhile person to date? Is this how it’s supposed to be? Is this normal for how relationships work?
It’s time to transform your Disney character and relationship expectations, vanquishing your inner villain to show up authentically and whole-heartedly in relationships with others. Brene Brown describes it as strong back, soft front, and wild heart. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. It’s asking a lot of each of us to be vulnerable enough to find and embrace love and be loved. But like The Hero’s Journey, the hope is that you’ll come out of the dating pool transformed, embracing resiliency and finding yourself open to a quality relationship, feeling better about your own Ever After that exists on your own terms.
*This is a generalization and opinion based on personal observations and experiences, not facts or formal research.