As the author of a book on mother-daughter relationship rupture speaking to adult daughters and the therapists that serve them, I would be doing women a disservice if I didn’t name and challenge the assumptions others make of estrangement. The community at large, as well as a handful of authors, have taken it upon themselves to be the voice of estranged parents everywhere. These parents, in an effort to understand the causes of their estrangement, report a number of similarities in their children that they feel contribute to why they have chosen to disconnect from their parents, which has led to the following assumptions:
Selfishness
The first assumption is that adult children who choose estrangement from their parents are selfish. They are accused of being self-centered, narcissistic, and focused only on themselves. We argue that adult children who choose estrangement from their parents do so for a variety of reasons, none of which are solely selfish in nature. Rather, the choice to estrange comes from an effort to protect themselves, partners, and children from further pain or trauma from their parents. Therefore, this difficult choice may be for the well-being of others in addition to themselves and doesn’t omit them from their own grief and loss response when disconnecting from a parent.
2. Suddenness
Many parents of estranged adult children claim that the estrangement came on suddenly, sometimes without warning. Upon further reflection, parents are usually able to pinpoint signs that their sons and daughters were not happy with the relationship, but perhaps didn’t feel it would result in estrangement. Although it may feel sudden, the process of deciding to estrange from a parent takes significant time and energy for an adult child. Contrary to assumptions that choosing estrangement is easy for adult children, many spend significant mental energy evaluating and re-evaluating their options in not wanting to miss an opportunity to improve the situation.
3. Therapist Recommendation
Another assumption is that therapists are encouraging or championing estrangement for their adult clients. Oftentimes found in the same breath as the word ‘boundaries,’ parents and professionals alike feel that therapists are pushing an agenda for adult children to be estranged from their parents in response to trauma. As a mental health professional myself, I can see where certain clients may seek out advice or interpret a conversation about boundaries as permission to cut off a parent. However, a quality professional will remain neutral and help their client explore the implications of remaining in a relationship cycle that feels healthy or unhealthy, reaffirming that the client is the sole decision maker within their own life.
4. Exaggerated Trauma
Trauma remains a primary theme for exploration of estrangement. Several authors lament on how adult children may exaggerate their experiences of trauma to reinforce their decision to become estranged from their parents. To serve as a means to vilify and justify cutting off a parent. The challenge here is that society fails to recognize that trauma is defined by the person who experiences it. It is not our job to argue about what is and is not, trauma. Instead, trauma work remains an appropriate modality in the therapy space in order to explore healing and goals for adult children seeking change in their lives.
5. Refusal to Reconcile
Parents want to believe that reconciliation is an option, and yet for some, it will not be a choice. Rather than seeing this refusal to reconcile as a ploy for power and control by an adult child over their parent, it’s important to explore the circumstances for when reconciliation isn’t appropriate. For families damaged by repeated physical or sexual abuse, for example, reconciliation can feel like wishful thinking. How do we acknowledge the damage a parent-child relationship can suffer when subjected to repeated physical abuse? What supports reconciliation when a mom aligns with a boyfriend who is sexually assaulting her daughter? Each adult child’s choice to reconcile or not is to be respected because reconciliation remains difficult to near impossible for some individuals.
6. Too Much Toxic
The word ‘toxic' has shown up frequently in media for at least the last decade if not longer. As it became associated with relationship dynamics, this word has been seen alongside the words ‘estrangement’ or ‘family estrangement’ more often. Some folks believe that adult children are using this word to justify their decision to estrange from their parents and to seek sympathy from others by painting themselves as victims. This viewpoint only serves to discount the actual harm victims of abuse have suffered. Toxic as a word, has encouraged folks to cleanse themselves of toxins, including unhealthy relationships. What if describing a relationship as toxic is a means of simplifying something immensely confusing and painful? Toxic may serve as a label for an experience that we don’t have the emotional energy or desire to explain to someone else because of the stigma, judgment, or emotions it stirs up when talking about it.
7. False Memories
A common disclosure found in interviews and surveys of estranged parents is that they have been accused by their adult children of neglect, abuse, or of being a bad parent. Additionally, parents can claim that their adult children possess false memories of abusive or unsafe situations that did not occur per the parent’s recollection, leaving parents baffled and confused. Trauma has a way of being stored in people’s memories in different ways with different things being the focus, which can mean one person’s recollection can look completely different than another’s. It’s a similar phenomenon to why eye-witness testimony doesn’t hold up well in court. You can interview three witnesses and get three completely different recollections of the events that took place. Parents are left feeling angry that their children are subscribing to false memories in order to validate their decision to separate or abandon a parent when in actuality, an adult child’s reports of mistreatment, however inaccurate to the parent, deserve curiosity and compassion if there is to be any hope of repairing the relationship.
8. Mental Health Problems
Another common culprit in the blame-game of estrangement is mental health. The seeking of mental health diagnoses or labels placed on either the adult child or parent can be problematic and stigmatizing. In several books supporting estranged parents, authors argue that adult children may have undiagnosed mental health issues such as Bipolar Disorder that cause them to seek estrangement from their parents. Which, as a mental health professional, feels like dangerous ground because of how simplified it sounds. It’s possible that some adult children have mental health challenges or diagnoses that make them more likely to pursue estrangement. Equally possible, however, are times where a parent’s mental health could be a factor in why estrangement is pursued when their children grow up. Perhaps it’s severe depression, PTSD, or a personality disorder that prevents a parent from attaching or showing up consistently for their child. By no means is mental health the only factor to consider in the research on estrangement, and if we are going to look at mental health within the family, it’s best to look at the mental health of both adult children and their parents in our quest for answers on the growing rates of parent-adult child estrangement.
9. Control Over Grandchildren
An increasing concern for estranged parents is access to their grandchildren when their adult child chooses to estrange from them. One assumption we saw reinforced in several books on the subject was that adult children use grandchildren and withholding contact from those grandchildren as punishment for parents' poor choices. Although this is a possibility for some adult children who are angry about the mistreatment they’ve felt they’ve received from their parents, the clients I’ve served over the years are more likely to limit contact between grandparents and their grandchildren when they are worried that the abuse or neglect they experienced in their own childhood could be repeated with their kids. In an effort to protect their children or to break an unhealthy relationship cycle, they may prevent contact between grandparents and grandchildren.
10. Pettiness
Our last in the list of assumptions about estrangement is the accusation of adult children being petty in their refusal to reconcile or re-engage in a relationship with their parent(s). The underlying theme of most media representation that sides with parents conveys a concern that adult children are refusing out of spite. To punish their parents. To hold power over them. As you might guess, this remains another narrow view of the complexities that contribute to family estrangement. It may very well feel this way to a parent who is confused or hurt by their adult child’s actions. However, it can also serve as an opportunity to get curious about their adult child’s viewpoint on holding rigid or strong boundaries. What would their adult child say when asked what they need to repair the relationship?
Assumptions of estrangement are widespread. This could be because of the emotional charge it leaves in both adult children and their parents, as well as the limited research to date that could shed light on why estrangement is being pursued more often in response to family conflict. By challenging these assumptions, we can find ourselves successfully providing a compassionate, judgment-free space for ourselves and others experiencing estrangement in their families. We invite adult daughters to check out our book Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships: Guiding the Adult Daughter’s Healing Journey through the Estrangement Energy Cycle and access all our therapeutic tools available for download at estrangementenergycycle.com.