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Grief shows up in therapy in so many ways. It could be the loss of a person, the loss of a pet, the loss of a job, the loss of a connection or relationship. And yet not every counseling program requires we take grief coursework to best prepare us to sit with grief in the therapy room. In the month of March, which happens to be the death anniversary month of my client’s suicide five years ago, I took a deep dive into grief books to better “be with” grief. After all, so many of us were raised in grief-avoidant cultures which can lead to those same expectations being projected onto our clients in their own grief journeys.
For example, how many of our clients have been told things like:
“Isn’t it time to move on?”
“You should be grateful to have had them at all.”
“They are with God now.”
“There is a purpose to this loss.”
“God didn’t give you anything you can’t handle.”
“Your grief is hurting your other family members.”
“Shouldn’t you focus on the people who are still alive?”
The list goes on and on. So much of the above ‘feedback’ from loved ones, community members, and spiritual helpers bypasses the sitting in grief stages, which prevents folks from fully engaging in their healing work. I would know because I too have struggled to sit in grief for myself and with my clients. I have wanted to move to the “fix-its” and cognitive reframes too quickly because grief is so painful. And yet there is meaning in slowing things down and witnessing someone’s pain (or our own). Here are four books that echo the importance of “doing” grief rather than avoiding it:
Bearing the Unbearable by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore. This book has had a profound impact on me already. It was heartfelt, reflective, and normalized how as a society we move through grief too quickly out of avoidance of pain. With a focus on traumatic death and thus traumatic grief, I believe every therapist should read this book, as soon as possible!
Life Lessons: Two Experts on Death & Dying Teach Us about the Mysteries of Life and Living by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler. An interesting exploration of life wisdoms that the dying teach the living, this is a short read that covers messages and insight from those on their death beds.
Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief by David Kessler. Meaning making is such a part of the work I do with therapists after they experience a career trauma such as client sudden death or client suicide, so of course I was curious to see what this one was all about. Kessler does a great job of normalizing that anger and acceptance stages have to be experienced first and that meaning making doesn’t come on a particular timeline, nor can it be rushed.
Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief Workbook by Dvid Kessler. Released five years after his book of the same title above, Kessler introduces powerful tools and exercises for those in grief to engage in processing and transformation. I appreciated how he normalized loved ones resistance to healing out of worry of dishonoring the person they lost, which echoes the therapist healing work I do. Honoring the ones we’ve lost while also finding meaning is the coveted combination for many of us who’ve been touched by loss and then grief.
Therapists are human too. What other books have helped you through your own grief? Although this isn’t light reading before bedtime, I know there is more to explore in my own personal and professional journey to sit alongside grief rather than give into the urge to run from it.