Shannon isn’t a stranger to grief. She lost her brother to addiction in 2008 and has dedicated her career to helping clients through trauma and substance healing as a social worker and addictions counselor. As she was preparing to expand her family, her dad approached her to share that he was ready to die. “My dad was suffering from a lot of health issues. He’d been unhealthy most of his life.” Shannon’s dad had received permission from his doctor for Medical Aid in Dying, a year-long process that requires two physicians to sign off to receive the medication, which a patient then administers to themselves in order to remain fully in control of the process of dying.
Of course Shannon was devastated and overwhelmed at hearing her dad’s decision, although he had been speaking to wanting to die for over a decade. “I was six months pregnant when he called me up to tell me,” she remembered. “I asked him to wait until after my son was born. I explained postpartum and the impact this grief would have on me and the family, and he agreed to wait.” But Shannon didn’t immediately feel at ease. Instead she and her sister went through a rollercoaster of emotions, alternating who would hold hope and conviction to try something new to save his life, while the other named how it was inevitable that their dad would die because he wanted it to be so. “We looked at medication changes, a new psychiatrist, psilocybin, but nothing changed his mind.”
Shannon recalled how her dad’s biggest worry was that she was going to ask him to continue to delay his death date. He said there was never a good time to die, and she had to ultimately agree. However, Shannon and her sister had an opportunity to weigh in on his death date and be present for his end of life journey. “It was so sad and special to be there. It meant everything to him that we were there.” Shannon was six weeks postpartum when her dad died, and she vividly remembers him dying and her going into another room to pump breastmilk for her baby. “It was so strange. I think I was in shock for months.”
Shannon went right back to work days later, and after six months, a new wave of grief hit Shannon as she realized he was truly gone. “I recognized that I was missing him and that I had to live the rest of my life without him.” The experience has impacted her both personally and professionally in how she engages others around death and dying. “Now I see it is not our responsibility to keep someone alive. It was his body, it was his life.” Shannon hopes that fellow therapists will work further to understand the difference between Medical Aid in Dying and suicide. “My dad wasn’t afraid of dying. He was ready.”
Therapists, out of feelings of responsibility, often struggle to hold their own fears in check when faced with a client who is thinking about death. How do we strive for neutrality, holding space for client experiences from a place of compassion for their pain and suffering? Shannon has found the stories of Near-Death Experiences influential in her ability to connect with others on a human level regarding dying, to fully see what people are experiencing including her dad. “I realized that no amount of time would be enough with him. Two months, six months, a year. It was really eye-opening and helped me move towards acceptance of not trying to demand one more day, one more day. That was a huge turning point in my thinking.” Shannon was able to show up for her dad, even in her own grief. “Dying isn’t the worst thing that can happen, suffering is worse.”
Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!