Making Meaning of the Dance: A Journey Through the Couple Cycle

“From the cradle to the grave, humans desire a certain someone who will look out for them, notice and value them, soothe their wounds, reassure them in life’s difficult places, and hold them in the dark.”
The practice of Emotionally focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection by Sue M. Johnson

The Tango, The Charleston, The Swing, and The Cha-Cha. Yes, I know these are famous dances, but I would like to talk about another kind of dance. Within a relationship we all long to move toward our partner. To sway in the rhythm of passion, and desire. We long to feel the power of true connection that comes with being able to say “I need”, and get a loving and empathetic response in return. The dance I’m speaking of is the common relational exchange called the Emotionally-focused Couples Therapy Cycle. Emotionally-Focused Therapy or EFT as it is commonly referred to was the forward and remarkable thinking of Dr. Sue Johnson. In the 1980’s very little in therapy was being done to explore the scientific concept of adult attachment, which is a stark contrast to this same time period when so much emphasis was being placed on the continued study of childhood attachment theories and models. As Sue begun to delve into the attachment science, she began to see a potentially incredible model that could not only address attachment injuries both from childhood, and adulthood, but could systematically uncover relationship fractures, and invoke new and lasting connections. According to the ICEEFT website using the EFT model leads to couples being to move from distress to recovery 70-75% while 90% of couples showed significant improvements.

So how does this beautiful, and empirically proven model work? Well then, let’s begin!!

EFT is made-up of 3 stages i.e; Assessment and Cycle De-escalation, changing interaction patterns, and creating new bonds, and consolidation, and integration.

STAGE 1: ASSESSMENT AND CYCLE DE-ESCALATION

1. Ascertain primary concerns, and set couples goals. Then, explore relational history.

2. Interactions, and patterns are explored, and delineated. Therapist supports and assists in seeing historical interplays that have negatively impacted the coupling.

3. Partners comprehend attachment-related emotions. Couple first acknowledges covered emotions, and feelings, and discuss those emotions, feelings, and behaviors with their partner.

4. Couple and therapist with analyze cycle, triggers, and behavior output which results in two defined roles which are pursuer, and withdrawer. Therapist will also be mindful to notice, and name triggers present in the cycle.

STAGE 2: CHANGING INTERACTIONAL POSITIONS AND CREATING NEW BONDING EVENTS

1. Space is created for transparency in order to state attachment needs, for which partner had not received in the past, which cause bond fracture.

2. Couple develops the ability to compassionately respond to identified needs, and begin to accept the hurt, longing, and emotions that have been impacted by their partner.

3. As cycle awareness increases, and new cycle, and interactional goals are practiced new conversations and interactions present themselves, which increases likelihood of bonding experiences.

STAGE 3: CONSOLIDATION/ INTEGRATION

1. Couple integrates techniques, communication, and transparency, as they discuss the old cycle, and practice the new one. Practice is done outside the sessions in their own environment that exposes them to their domain that has been a potential trigger. Work with the therapist explores issues that came from those practices, and post conversations.

2. With heightened awareness of skills, and deeper bonds couple and therapist focus on the celebrating efforts, and future methods to enhance new found rituals. To safeguard couples success, and decrease history of emotional breaks safety risks are addressed and prepared for.

Real-life example:

In an EFT therapy session, a wife pursues her avoidant and emotionally absent husband. Her protest becomes a sense of loneliness, abandonment, and sadness that she no longer feels connected to her spouse. In the past she felt that she was assertive, and asking for her needs to be met, by demanding, yelling, screaming, and sometimes becoming violent. Over a period of time, her protests turn to withdrawal, as her pleads go unanswered, and she is tired of getting so big to be seen, but yet still remains invisible. “I want to be wanted, loved, and cherished”, so please stop avoiding me, walking away, and pretending that my yelling doesn’t mean more.

Her husband’s stark hallow shell, becomes empty, but rumbles underneath as a fire, and a quiet storm brews behind a cold and distant face. The separation turns from heartbreak to fury, as he doesn’t understand why his wife hates him so much and just wants to yell at him all the time. “I walk away because it hurts”! “I leave because my space no longer feels safe, and threatens any bit of quiet we have left”. “Why can’t you just see, that you are tearing us a part”.

She has grown, learned, and observed the hurt, and pain that both her and her partner are experiencing. This shared pain has given her a new perspective, and has gotten her closer to a man that she felt was lost. She has discovered that she can still be seen as she quiets the storm of her own pain, and brings her partner closer and shows him that loneliness that brought her right to the edge. He has found the passion, and strength to expose his vulnerability and deep need to be loved, and comforted without fear. His transformation travels from “you don’t care, and your cruelty is just too much”, to “this is really hard, for me, but I want to trust this feeling”. “Please be with me, and make me feel safe within this relationship”.

New cycles of closeness contact interactions appear and dissipate previously established cycles, criticize-defend or pursue-withdraw, withdrawer reengagement, or pursuer softening. As the partners experience the cycles together in safety and empathy these behaviors are reinforces, which leads to a positive and permanent change. Space for healing, and a new sense of having a brand-new safe haven sparks connectedness, and fulfillment previously missing.

“EFT can be thought of as a postmodern therapy in that EFT therapists help clients deconstruct problems and responses by bringing marginalized aspects of reality into focus, probing for the not-yet spoken, and integrating elements of a couple’s reality that have gone un-storied.”
Becoming an Emotionally focused Couple Therapist: The workbook by Susan M. Johnson

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Guest post written by Jamie Benson MFT-C, M.Ed, EFCT

Jamie Benson MAMFT, MFT-C, EFCT, M.Ed has been providing therapeutic services to Denver area children, adults, couples and families since 2015. She holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage, Couples, and Family therapy, as well as a Masters Degree in Education with an emphasis on Applied Behavior Analysis. Jamie currently works at Allhealth Network in Littleton Colorado and her work is centered around at-risk populations, including human trafficking, homelessness, human services, PO/probation, and substance abuse.

The Power of Ritual in Healing

As a long-time bereavement counselor I have had the privilege of working alongside clients whose grieving is both complicated and intense. Even as we together tease out the knots and kinks that make relationships tangled and messy, we also focus on the beauty, the memories, and the pain. Whether it is the individual flow of mourning or grief that is heightened by society’s focus on anniversaries or holidays, using rituals and ceremonies to move through the grief is something I encourage all therapists – and clients – to be open to.

What causes us to tear up over a favorite song or poem that reminds us of our loved one? Our body provides us with a natural healing outlet for our grief when we are confronted with memories that trigger our emotions. Not everyone sheds tears easily or willingly after a loss, but the process of grieving can allow us the opportunity to work through this physical pain.

What can we do to encourage our own healing in way that is both respectful of the death and mindful of our life? Memorials and rituals are excellent ways to personalize the life of the person who has died. While many traditions encourage the sending of flowers or food to the bereaved family immediately after the death, there are other, longer-term gifts, memorials, or rituals that can carry forward the meaningful life that is no longer on this earth. 

In our Western culture, many have found solace in placing a tombstone where they can visit the deceased on a regular basis. We have also begun seeing additional options for creating a living memorial. Purchasing park benches, planting trees, buying a brick at a museum walkway, making donations to a cause that inspired your loved one are all options that are lasting reminders. But beyond the public shows of support, there are smaller daily or weekly things that can help keep the conversation open in your heart. Finding a place or creating a time for “sacred space” is a way of elevating the emptiness to a different level within your consciousness. 

Individualizing the loss

Consider a theme that resonates with you and the person who is gone: nature, sports, travel, music, food. Think about how you remember that person. Create a process or memorial that embodies that idea. Spend some time thinking about what feels authentic and what you feel comfortable with. Begin your journey when you feel ready.

• Perhaps nature is a theme. Collect small rocks from your hikes or nature walks that you keep in a spot in the garden or in a glass jar. Allow yourself the freedom to know your loved one was with you as you enjoyed nature and that you are respecting his or her presence by bringing it home.

• Hobbies can offer us a way to connect. Be mindful of the time you spend allowing your emotions to be present while you garden, bowl, or cook. Make a decision to incorporate your loved one in the process – cook his favorite meal once a month, print her name on your bowling bag or plant their special flowers annually. 

• If you are so inclined, take on an activity that you dedicate to do as an internal connection with your loved one. Take an art class, begin blogging, volunteer to read in an elementary school. Embrace the feeling of doing the activity together in your heart.

• Meditate or spend a portion of time each day in a safe spot for you to grieve and remember. Read a favorite poem, look at photos, or play a special song and let yourself cry or laugh.

What I have found is most effective in soothing the grief is to work with clients to discover what makes them connect with the soul of their loved one. It matters not at all that others don’t “get” it – it can be an inside joke. One woman felt comforted going to the golf course where her father used to play; another donated her husband’s clothes to a shelter where he had volunteered; another family whose young child died collected donations to enhance the playground at his school. And for those whose memories were bitter, I’ve suggested planting herbs or vegetables whose sharp quality can ultimately become something valuable. Making meaning of their life and honoring that which feels good and familiar is the key.

Grief and the (many) holidays

Being in a vulnerable state during the holidays can cause anxiety and depression. While those around you are celebrating and enjoying what they have, you may be feeling the loss of what you no longer have. The rule for observing a holiday is: trust your gut. If you don’t feel able or celebrate with others, don’t – you are allowed to say NO. Change it up. Have Thanksgiving with a neighbor, go away for the week, volunteer at a shelter for Christmas, have another family member host the Easter or Passover dinner.    

While seeing the trappings of public holidays can cause pain, there are other more personal observances that no one may be aware of or choose to remember, and the same principle of ritual can help. Whether you share these moments with others who can support you or you gain strength from the intimacy of privately remembering, know that your journey is unique and unless your activities are taking you out of living, you should feel comfort in your rituals.

• Create a special memorial cup that celebrates your loved one, and use it only on holidays, anniversaries or birthdays. 

• Offer a toast or a blessing or a prayer with those you love.

• Visit the gravesite or a spot sacred to you in the weeks prior to a remembrance date.

• Buy an ornament or decoration that acknowledges the loss and display it .

• Wear an item of clothing or jewelry that brings to mind your loved one; keeping a physical reminder can be comforting.

• Buy or make a card and write loving thoughts on an anniversary; keep it as long as you wish.

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Guest post written by Tia Amdurer, LPC, NCC

Tia Amdurer, LPC, NCC, has her private practice, Heartfelt Healing Counseling, in Lakewood, CO, where works with individuals healing from grief, loss, abuse, low self-esteem and family of origin issues. She is the author of Take My Hand: The Caregiver’s Journey (www.TakeMyHandJourney.com ). www.HeartfeltHealingCounseling.com

Holding Space for Horror, Hurt, and Healing

Have you ever felt the sensation of déjà vu? The gut feeling that you’ve been here before and thus can’t escape this surreal feeling, like you’re floating, your stomach is full of rocks, and there’s a ringing in your ears? For many of us, February 14, 2018 was a day of déjà vu in its worst form, reliving the trauma and horror of another mass shooting.

For me personally, the sudden anger, sadness, grief, and avoidance that came to the surface were the very same that I experienced after the Aurora Theater Shooting on July 20, 2012.  For others, it felt like Columbine on April 20, 1999.  Many people around the world are affected by the loss and violence surrounding a mass shooting and so many of us want answers. As therapists, we hold space for the questions and the grief, providing a safe environment for processing of loss, fear, and desire to understand. As trauma therapists in particular, we encourage clients to explore fears and needs in order to feel heard, and possibly, to begin the healing process again. And yet there are days we struggle with balance, the effort of holding space for others as well as holding space for ourselves.  If we are completely honest, it may even feel easier to hold space for others rather than think and feel our own emotions.

Professionally, it didn’t occur to me that Aurora would stay with me in my practice, year after year. July 2012 was supposed to be a month of celebration as our cohort had graduated and were seeking our first jobs as therapists. We had bonded in role plays, through projects, on adventures, and with humor. Survived internships, passed exams, and grew as individuals. Aurora would prove to impact the cohort quite rapidly when we found out four of our own peers were present and involved in the violence that took place. It took all day to get answers about their safety, and when we finally did receive word, we came together to grieve the loss of one of our own and trauma to three others. You may know him as the hero who took a bullet for the woman he loved, shielding her from the chaos in the theater. His actions show his character and the person he was in this world. There is so much I could say, but know that he was loved by many and brought humor and lively spirit to otherwise heavy work. We grieved together over the weeks that followed, knowing the impact would go beyond our cohort and be felt around the world.  Before we could blink, the cohort was scattering rapidly, almost like a driving force was pushing us away from one another, and away from the reminders of what we’d lost. It became easier to avoid and attend to others, to embrace their pain and needs for healing by throwing ourselves into the therapeutic work, perhaps hoping to heal ourselves in the process.

And yet with each new tragedy, full of images, horror, and tears, we are transported back to our own dark times. Perhaps triggered to the point of needing breaks, tracking our own emotions, and holding boundaries with our clients to stay present in their grief. Grappling with whether to share our pain with clients out of connection and compassion or decide to lock it away for another, more private time.

Whatever direction you decide in your own grief, know that your efforts to help others through connection and compassion go a long way in recovering from these tragedies. Let us be gentle with ourselves as we are with our clients. Let us acknowledge the hurt and remain open to the healing. Let us recognize the avoidance of pain and the safety needed to face it. And let us hold space when words cannot capture what is felt rather than said.  Only when being true to ourselves and embracing vulnerability can we truly support healing.

In loving memory of Alexander C. Teves