Dear Suicide Loss Survivors

Photo by Jess moe on Unsplash

I was recently asked if I wanted to contribute something to a book for survivors of suicide. With my client’s death by suicide anniversary being in March, of course I wanted to share my love letter to survivors here in a blog too. With abundant compassion and zero judgement, Khara

There’s nothing more painful that feeling like you’ve failed the person who has died by suicide. The shame. The self-doubt. The going over the last time you saw them or spoke to them, wondering what you missed. Believe me, I’ve been there. As a fellow loss survivor, I want you to know you are not alone. Each death by suicide impacts at minimum, 135 people, so of course you are feeling the loss of the person who has died. You may feel grief-stricken. Bewildered. Angry. This loss will forever change you, and that’s okay too. It’s to be expected. I hope you’ll consider this acronym as a compassionate guide through your heaviest moments of grief and despair, knowing that even the darkest nights have to move into dawn eventually.

L-Listen to your needs

Your needs after the loss of someone to suicide will change moment to moment. People will ask you what you need, and you may find yourself frozen, in shock, or mute, not knowing what you need. Try to find moments to slow things down, asking yourself what you need in that exact moment. Maybe you need to cry. Need a hug. Need to be left alone. Need to eat. Need to sleep. Let’s normalize that your needs change minute to minute and it’s okay to ask for what you need.

E-Embrace grief and loss work

No one is “fine” after losing someone to suicide. There isn’t a timeline for healing either. You will heal on your own time, in your own way. How do you want to engage in grief work? Do you want to work with a therapist? A coach? A mentor? A spiritual guide? This isn’t something that you wake up one day and feel okay about, so don’t discount the power of grief and loss work to help your healing journey.

A- Ask for help

For so many survivors, asking for help feels the hardest. Perhaps we don’t want to burden others. Perhaps we’ve received messages that hurt us further in the wake of losing someone to suicide. Please don’t let other people’s discomfort with suicide prevent you from asking for help from folks who are able and willing to hold space for you. There are places of support and community waiting with open arms to help you grieve and heal. You don’t have to do this alone.

N- Name meaning

This last idea oftentimes takes the longest. There is not a day when losing the person you did to suicide won’t matter. Survivors aren’t looking for acceptance as much as some form of neutrality or surrender that comes with time. After moving out of excruciating pain and sadness, there will come a time where you can discover meaning from this life-altering loss. Maybe meaning is holding dear the happy memories of this person. Maybe you write about your experience for other survivors. Maybe it’s participating in a suicide prevention event. Perhaps it’s honoring this person’s birthday or another day of significance. 

Making meaning is uniquely yours, and the experience of naming meaning can feel like you’re finally experiencing post-traumatic growth as your body learns to hold both pain and gratitude for the person you’ve lost. Talk about them. Think of them. Americans can be strange with grief, but I hope this sharing and so many others’ stories can lift you up amidst the grief and questioning that come with suicide loss. We are not okay, but we will be.

10 Tips for Aspiring Authors to Finish Their Book

As I navigate publishing multiple books—I’m working on number 7!!—there have been more questions from colleagues on the whole process. Here are ten tips to help other professionals bring their books from idea to reality!  Don’t forget to check out the videos of these tips on our Aspiring Authors playlist on YouTube!

1.     Identify Your Gift

You’ve heard this idea woven in other content from me, and it still rings as true as when public speaker coach Mari Geasair first presented it! Ask yourself, “what’s the gift I’m giving?” What do you want your reader to walk away with? What idea or concept can they learn from you? What is the call to action after reading your book? What do you want them to feel?

2.     Do your Research

First, researching other books out there that are similar to yours is important. Is your idea different enough to interest your audience? Do you have a new spin on something that folks would find valuable? Second, how old are the books out there? Is the market saturated with books on your topic, which wouldn’t bode well for a successful launch? Are the books available ten or twenty years old, ensuring your content would be well received by filling in the gaps? Is there an absence of information, which would motivate you to get your book out there as soon as possible?

3.     Make an Outline

Just like in elementary school, having an outline organizes your thoughts before putting pen to paper. It can help you start to see where information would be housed in sections or chapters, creating an intentional flow to your work. Additionally, an outline is oftentimes what a publisher wants to see included in your book proposal to consider your book and a possible contract. So although an outline may feel less than exciting to complete, consider it a roadmap of what you are writing, while also helping others see where you are headed in your book journey in order for them to give you an enthusiastic yes to publishing it!

4.     Create a Ritual

A personal favorite, what rituals can you create that you associate with writing? Are you wearing a particular outfit or pair of pants? Do you write in a specific spot to help your mind drop into the task of writing? Do you treat yourself to a coffee or listen to certain music when writing? Consider all five of your senses and how they can support a ritual that gets you into the groove of writing regularly.

5.     Set Time Blocks

What amounts of time do you need to write? Do you need several hours in one chunk? Do you need more breaks, like 30 minutes on, 10 minutes off? If you don’t schedule it, it doesn’t happen, so experiment with blocking out some times that are labeled “writing” or “my book” to see how that can motivate you.

6.     Talk About Your Book

I have had such valuable conversations when talking about my books to others. Notice their responses. Listen for their questions and assumptions, which could be transformed into content within the book. Odds are that if they have a question, so would your readers. So talk about it! It will help you flush out more things to include within your pages.

7.     Interview Other People

In alignment with Tip #6, interviewing folks can bring content into focus. Are there any themes or concepts from interviews worth capturing in your writing? Is it about highlighting a person’s perspective or experience, with their consent? Maybe you are trying to explore the lived experience of others, in comparison to your own experience as the author? Either way, I recommend interviewing folks to further clarify what content belongs in your book.

8.     Tell Stories

My favorite part of writing these days is the stories. Weaving them into each chapter can build trust and connection or teach a skill. Stories can illustrate concepts you are introducing to your audience, encourage ah-has, or be a reference point for later reflection as the reader. People remember stories and they like them, so it’s worth considering how you can use story within your book.

9.     Write the Easy Parts First

Aspiring authors can get tripped up on the idea of writing their books in order. Chapter by chapter, beginning, middle, end. This can lead to writers block if you start feeling stuck on one particular section. How about writing the “easy” parts first? Or the parts that bring you joy in the moment? The parts that feel more clear or the ones that are on your mind when writing this week? By giving yourself permission to write the easy parts first, you are also giving yourself permission to write things out of order, knowing you’ll piece it back together as an additional step later.

10.  Read It Out Loud

Some of you may cringe at this idea, but I promise you it’s an important tip for authors! Not only does reading it out loud help you check for grammar, punctuation, and flow, it also helps you check out if the content sounds like you. As an author, you are your brand. By reading it out loud, you get to ensure that it sounds like you and holds the tone you want to convey, especially if your aim is a conversational instead of academic voice. A bonus? Reading it out loud prepares you for any audio book recordings you may feel compelled to complete after the book launch! Audio books remain a popular option for readers, so having the practice of reading it out loud gets you one step closer to recording.

Are you feeling ready to write your book? Check out these additional tips from our ten amazing mental health professionals turned authors from our Virtual Book Fair this month!