You want to reconcile with your adult child, so what do you need to consider or do to make that happen? What needs to be in place for efforts to reconcile to be successful? Let’s take a look at four aspects that might support your process of re-engaging your adult child.
Identifying Readiness to Reengage
Consider the following tough questions regarding your readiness to reconcile with your adult child:
Why do you want to reconcile? Being honest with yourself is the first step. Do you want to repair the relationship? Do you want to feel heard and validated in your choices? Are you looking to get even? Do you want a relationship with your grandchildren? There are any number of reasons why a parent wants to reconcile, and being prepared with a response for yourself and your estranged adult child should they ask would be an important first step.
What are your expectations of the reconciled relationship? As humans, it’s not uncommon to hear folks say they want everything to go back to the way it was, or to start over, both of which would be problematic for the estranger/adult child who made this choice reflecting that something wasn’t right. Going backward or to sameness would be a significant issue for them. What do you want the reconciled relationship to look like? Recognize that the relationship could be better or worse, but most likely just different.
What steps will you agree to for reconciliation? As you attempt
to reengage your adult child, what offerings or compromises can you accept? Are you open to phone calls to start? Are you willing to have a relationship with your daughter-in-law but not speak to your estranged son? Are you pursuing a relationship with your grandchildren, even if it means you aren’t on speaking terms with their mother? Knowing your own boundaries in the reconciliation process will help both you and your adult child navigate the testing phase of reconciliation.What can you take responsibility for? In other words, have you done your own reflection of what happened? Are you prepared to accept your adult child’s accusations and avoid arguing? Can you clearly name the offending actions prior to estrangement being pursued? Are you clear on the priority being repairing the relationship over determining whose memories of events are right?
Several authors say reconciliation is possible by owning your behavior and acknowledging your adult child’s experience. Although it’s tempting, arguing about the accuracy of their memories of trauma or abuse isn’t helpful. This is their experience as they know it. Even though you may remember something completely different, arguing about what happened will further drive the wedge between you and your adult child. Instead, consider family therapy. Consider focusing on the future instead of the past. Be accepting of their hurt and resulting caution in wanting to take it slow to see if the relationship is mendable. Be prepared for tests from them to determine your truthfulness and authenticity. Several authors emphasize that reconciliation can take years.
2. Pinpointing Parent Dynamics
What about when one parent is still talking to their estranged adult child. Is this a good idea? In my experience, it’s rare to have one parent in contact with their estranged adult child because of the assumed unification between parents who are still in a committed relationship with one another. Your estranged child might worry that their information will be shared with the parent they are choosing not to be in contact with. The experience of one parent being talked to by an estranged child may be more common with divorced parents because your lives are separate. In this situation, an adult child might feel it is safer to connect with one parent without the risk of information being shared with the other without their consent.
3. Recognizing Shared Grief
It may be difficult to imagine that your adult child is experiencing their own grief and loss reaction in response to the estrangement, but they are. Although they may look calm, even relieved, Agillas (2016), author of Family Estrangement: A Matter of Perspective, shares that survey respondents indicate similar grief responses and symptoms to the shared estrangement status, including anticipatory grief when considering the decision to estrange, and post-traumatic stress symptoms for weeks or months after. Adult children report symptoms of sadness, helplessness, anger, and shock when choosing estrangement. Unlike grief and loss as the result of a family member’s death, there isn’t a sense of finality or closure when it comes to grief associated with estrangement. This experience of grief emphasizes how difficult the decision to become estranged from a parent can be, especially when the adult child indicates they are having to choose between several hard choices to protect their physical or mental health.
4. Supporting Self-Awareness
A significant part of reconnecting with your adult child or healing and moving toward acceptance of the estrangement is doing your own work. How can you gain clarity on the parts you played in the relationship rupture? What contrasting evidence do you have for healthy familial relationships? Where can you bridge the gaps to show up as your healthiest, authentic self for possible reconciliation? What reframes can you discover in the estrangement to help you heal? Agllias (2016) describes the pursuit of enhanced self-awareness as a critical part of the process of learning how to live with estrangement. Although we can’t predict the final outcome of your efforts, the hope is that any self- awareness work you complete will benefit you at this stage of your life, regardless of the final relationship status with your adult child.
Another strategy to consider in your own estrangement healing is to recall the positive qualities or memories of your adult child’s younger years. Although you may not be speaking at present, which is incredibly painful, can you feel more connected to them by recognizing the values you both share? For one family I spoke to, the shared value was a never-wavering commitment to their spouses, regardless of what their family members thought of them. Instead of focusing on being angry that they were not on speaking terms, the parent was able to uncover respect for their adult child who had conveyed a strong message of loyalty and commitment to their partners or spouses, in response to scrutiny or judgment by the family. With some time and space, this parent found themselves admitting this response was admirable because they, too, would feel compelled to defend and align with their spouse as well.
As a parent of an estranged adult child, you are riding waves of uncertainty on if reconciliation with your adult child is possible. Fortunately, there are several books available to take a deeper dive into the reconciliation process or that focus on healing from permanent estrangement with your adult child. Check out the following books written for parents:
Rules of Estrangement by Joshua Coleman (2021);
Done with the Crying by Sheri McGregor (2016); and
Estrangement of Parents by Their Adult Children, revised second
edition by Sharon Waters (2019).
Your efforts to reflect and grow from the estrangement can be empowering, while also supporting reconciliation efforts with your adult child should they choose to reengage you to explore repairing the relationship. Although we can’t predict your outcomes, we do believe reconciliation is possible if both parties come in with authenticity, communication, and open hearts.