It’s important to recognize that the therapy process isn’t fully predictable or formulaic. It’s a connection between two people, one with hurts, stressors, and needs. The other holding their own needs and biases in check in an effort to be helpful. Because of their limited time in the field, it is not uncommon to have a new clinician find themselves in an advice-giving role or “fix it” mode.
The perception is that the client is asking: What should I do? Help me. Tell me what to do.
Recognizing that a clinician holds some authority in the therapeutic relationship, we can easily find ourselves immersed in the urge to fix things. To reduce our client’s pain. To find a solution that would make both of us feel better. We’re human and want there to be hope and solutions.
But in an effort to make things better, the fix-it mode also comes with risks that the client could feel misunderstood, pressured to change, or pressured to adopt the perceived advice without a say in the matter. This can result in broken rapport, frustration, and possible disengagement from therapy if they don’t feel they can speak up or advocate for themselves.
So what can we do as clinicians to avoid the easy trap of wanting to fix things? Here are some ideas for therapists to remain present in a client’s pain.
1. Check Yourself – Practice self-awareness to recognize the warning signs that you are slipping into or existing within the fix-its. Are you noticing tension or discomfort in your body? Have you entered a pattern with your client where you offer an idea and they respond with the “yes, buts.” Have you talked with your partner about this? Yes but they don’t get it. Have you tried mindfulness. Yes but I have trouble focusing. It becomes a verbal tennis match where the client keeps returning the ball to you with no resolution.
2. Breathe – Once you notice you are in this negative volley of ideas being returned, take a breath. Pause and take a drink of water. Notice the frustration that may come up from your client declining your ideas.
3. Practice Self-Compassion – Engage in self-compassion to address the discomfort and frustration that may be brewing due to the fix-it exchange. An inhale with compassion for yourself, an exhale with compassion for your client. Inhale—It makes sense I’m frustrated, I’m trying to help—exhale—this must be so hard for them to feel like nothing could work.
4. Name the Impact – A true practice of vulnerability is naming the impact of the negative exchange with your client. “I’m noticing some frustration in my chest in regards to what we are talking about. Is it possible you feel the same?” Sometimes modeling what it means to be human and own our emotions encourages the client to open up on what’s going on for them, allowing positive shifts in the dynamic out of the fix-its.
5. Ask What Would be Helpful – An important last piece of shifting completely out of the fix-its is to ask the client what could be more helpful in this moment. We’ve grounded ourselves through breath, we’ve practiced self-compassion, and we’ve modeled naming the emotions that are rising in the fix-it exchange. By asking for their feedback, we can repair rapport and engage in a new direction that might help them feel more seen and heard in the session.
Here’s an example from my own experience that illustrates how this process could look.
I had a client who was showing signs of frustration, responding to my questions in a clipped way that was not typical for her. I was trying to re-engage her at a deeper level, finding myself frustrated with the perceived withdrawal and surface level processing. It was necessary for me to check my own emotions and evaluate if I’d overstepped in some way before naming it to her. Once I named out loud what I was noticing, she confirmed she felt unheard and that we were moving too quickly into solutions, causing her to withdraw. Once I compassionately acknowledged her experience and thanked her for sharing this with me, I followed up by asking her what she needed more of in this moment. She reiterated that my ability to hold space for her pain would be most helpful, which we were able to do together for the remainder of the session.
I have to admit, some of my most powerful sessions come from exiting the fix-its or repairing a misunderstanding with a client in session. The ability to recognize the error, own it, and engage the client in compassionate collaboration can serve as meaningful examples of staying human and practicing healthy conflict resolution. To feel heard and get back on track in ways that feel supportive can be a powerful healing element all on it’s own. Finding yourself in the fix-its is a real possibility, for both green and seasoned clinicians alike. It doesn’t have to remain a frustrating experience for both you and your client, it can help you both grow.