“I can’t be resilient and ask for help.”
The conviction in my client’s voice had me speechless for several seconds. Finding myself curious in traditional therapist fashion, I asked her to tell me more. In her journey to better understand her childhood trauma, she felt that living life from a place of resiliency was the ultimate goal. But what about the vulnerability of asking for help? As we explored it further, she disclosed that the message she had downloaded throughout her life was that she can’t have both.
How did this happen? How can a person achieve resilience without asking for help here and there along the way? If resiliency is defined as the capacity to spring back quickly, have elasticity, and overcome difficulties quickly, how can we realistically expect youth and adults to achieve this 100% on their own?
I found myself gently challenging my client on this very notion by asking her if her five-year-old self was supposed to figure out resiliency without relying on anyone. Of course she said no, that wasn’t realistic. My client isn’t alone in finding herself battling the emotional desire to rely only on herself in response to trauma wounds while her logical and developmental self is wanting to ask for help. Therefore I think there is some powerful therapeutic work to be done to challenge the black and white thinking of resiliency vs. asking for help from a trauma perspective.
1. ACEs – by exploring the 10 questions of the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study, my client was able to better identify the limits of adult stability and parenting within her household which were contributing to her inner narrative that she couldn’t ask for help in not having stable adults present in her life to respond.
2. Attachment Style – by introducing my client to attachment styles from childhood to adulthood, she was better able to identify patterns of behaviors in relationships that were preventing her from asking for help or embracing vulnerability in her interactions with others.
3. Negative Core Beliefs – by engaging my client in a deeper dive of what these events say about herself, she was able to name painful core beliefs like “I am unlovable” and “I don’t deserve good things.” We were then able to explore how these core beliefs influence her behaviors and responses to others from the lenses of vulnerability, self-sabotage, and integral resistance.
4. Flash Technique – by exploring her strengths and reinforcing them with this trauma technique, my client was able to find ways to embrace her vulnerability and resiliency, allowing it to settle into her being at a cellular level that felt empowering, pleasant, and real.
These techniques are by no means an exhaustive list of how to address vulnerability and resiliency in trauma work. However, I have found them useful in opening the door of possibility that trauma survivors can embody both vulnerability and resiliency in their therapeutic journey, allowing them to show up authentically for themselves and others as they heal.