Resiliency vs. Vulnerability: Approaches for Trauma Healing

“I can’t be resilient and ask for help.”

The conviction in my client’s voice had me speechless for several seconds. Finding myself curious in traditional therapist fashion, I asked her to tell me more. In her journey to better understand her childhood trauma, she felt that living life from a place of resiliency was the ultimate goal. But what about the vulnerability of asking for help? As we explored it further, she disclosed that the message she had downloaded throughout her life was that she can’t have both.

How did this happen? How can a person achieve resilience without asking for help here and there along the way? If resiliency is defined as the capacity to spring back quickly, have elasticity, and overcome difficulties quickly, how can we realistically expect youth and adults to achieve this 100% on their own?

I found myself gently challenging my client on this very notion by asking her if her five-year-old self was supposed to figure out resiliency without relying on anyone. Of course she said no, that wasn’t realistic. My client isn’t alone in finding herself battling the emotional desire to rely only on herself in response to trauma wounds while her logical and developmental self is wanting to ask for help. Therefore I think there is some powerful therapeutic work to be done to challenge the black and white thinking of resiliency vs. asking for help from a trauma perspective.

1. ACEs – by exploring the 10 questions of the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study, my client was able to better identify the limits of adult stability and parenting within her household which were contributing to her inner narrative that she couldn’t ask for help in not having stable adults present in her life to respond.

2. Attachment Style – by introducing my client to attachment styles from childhood to adulthood, she was better able to identify patterns of behaviors in relationships that were preventing her from asking for help or embracing vulnerability in her interactions with others.

3.  Negative Core Beliefs – by engaging my client in a deeper dive of what these events say about herself, she was able to name painful core beliefs like “I am unlovable” and “I don’t deserve good things.” We were then able to explore how these core beliefs influence her behaviors and responses to others from the lenses of vulnerability, self-sabotage, and integral resistance.

4. Flash Technique – by exploring her strengths and reinforcing them with this trauma technique, my client was able to find ways to embrace her vulnerability and resiliency, allowing it to settle into her being at a cellular level that felt empowering, pleasant, and real.

These techniques are by no means an exhaustive list of how to address vulnerability and resiliency in trauma work. However, I have found them useful in opening the door of possibility that trauma survivors can embody both vulnerability and resiliency in their therapeutic journey, allowing them to show up authentically for themselves and others as they heal.

Massage Can Be Messy: Considerations for Trauma Survivors

When we talk about self-care, massage may come to mind. Easily $60-100+ per session, we may also find massage to be a luxury. Some prioritize their service once per month with a membership. Others splurge for a special occasion. Understandably, the cost of a massage as self-care can be a barrier to scheduling and it isn’t the only one.

What is massage like for those who’ve experienced a physical or sexual assault trauma? As a therapist, I believe it’s important to recognize the significance of massage for someone who has had their physical space violated. To name how challenging it can be to trust a stranger to touch you and find it relaxing instead of triggering. To acknowledge the effort required to calm the fight or flight reaction with logic, wanting your body to recognize your consent. The involuntary emotions that can surface when a particular part of the body is worked.

It’s something I too can take for granted in embracing massage as part of my self-care. Therefore I want to share some strategies than could help clients find their massage experience healing and empowering in the aftermath of trauma.*

1.     Research the Options

Identifying a service provider with additional training related to trauma can be a helpful first step for trauma survivors. Is the massage therapist trained in Trauma Touch Therapy ™ or identifies as a Trauma-informed provider? Does your client feel encouraged to have a conversation on their needs prior to scheduling an appointment?  Do they feel open to exploring fit and expectations in order to reduce any anxiety that may be showing up? Additionally, reading client reviews can be a strategy for exploring fit along with asking trusted peers or friends who they recommend.

2.     Consider Provider Gender

For some trauma survivors, the gender of the massage therapist may be crucial to their level of comfort. As your client explores their options, can they consider the number of massage therapists available, including skill set, technique, and gender to increase possibility of best fit and feelings of safety?

3.     Have a Ritual

Several clients have shared the importance of feeling prepared for their massage experience. This may be as simple as knowing the date is approaching, getting into the right headspace the morning of the appointment, and positive self-talk or visualization to increase their sense of safety and security going into the appointment. 

4.     Find Your Voice

Massage therapists expect and welcome feedback on massage technique, pressure, pain, and comfort levels. Encourage your client to explore communication in your sessions so they can feel empowered to speak up if something isn’t quite right.

5.     Hydrate

Hydration is important for the body to feel more receptive to the massage experience as well as to reduce possible soreness after a massage. Additionally, drinking water calms the body by engaging the parasympathetic nervous system, which encourages the body to return to a calmer state of functioning after fight or flight systems have been activated.

Massage can be a powerful tool for healing and health for trauma survivors.* By exploring the strengths, challenges, and barriers, your client can feel more confident when deciding if massage is right for them.

*Clients have the right to determine what is best for them and should consult their professionals as appropriate.