Resiliency vs. Vulnerability: Approaches for Trauma Healing

“I can’t be resilient and ask for help.”

The conviction in my client’s voice had me speechless for several seconds. Finding myself curious in traditional therapist fashion, I asked her to tell me more. In her journey to better understand her childhood trauma, she felt that living life from a place of resiliency was the ultimate goal. But what about the vulnerability of asking for help? As we explored it further, she disclosed that the message she had downloaded throughout her life was that she can’t have both.

How did this happen? How can a person achieve resilience without asking for help here and there along the way? If resiliency is defined as the capacity to spring back quickly, have elasticity, and overcome difficulties quickly, how can we realistically expect youth and adults to achieve this 100% on their own?

I found myself gently challenging my client on this very notion by asking her if her five-year-old self was supposed to figure out resiliency without relying on anyone. Of course she said no, that wasn’t realistic. My client isn’t alone in finding herself battling the emotional desire to rely only on herself in response to trauma wounds while her logical and developmental self is wanting to ask for help. Therefore I think there is some powerful therapeutic work to be done to challenge the black and white thinking of resiliency vs. asking for help from a trauma perspective.

1. ACEs – by exploring the 10 questions of the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study, my client was able to better identify the limits of adult stability and parenting within her household which were contributing to her inner narrative that she couldn’t ask for help in not having stable adults present in her life to respond.

2. Attachment Style – by introducing my client to attachment styles from childhood to adulthood, she was better able to identify patterns of behaviors in relationships that were preventing her from asking for help or embracing vulnerability in her interactions with others.

3.  Negative Core Beliefs – by engaging my client in a deeper dive of what these events say about herself, she was able to name painful core beliefs like “I am unlovable” and “I don’t deserve good things.” We were then able to explore how these core beliefs influence her behaviors and responses to others from the lenses of vulnerability, self-sabotage, and integral resistance.

4. Flash Technique – by exploring her strengths and reinforcing them with this trauma technique, my client was able to find ways to embrace her vulnerability and resiliency, allowing it to settle into her being at a cellular level that felt empowering, pleasant, and real.

These techniques are by no means an exhaustive list of how to address vulnerability and resiliency in trauma work. However, I have found them useful in opening the door of possibility that trauma survivors can embody both vulnerability and resiliency in their therapeutic journey, allowing them to show up authentically for themselves and others as they heal.

To My Fellow Therapists, Let’s Slather on the Emotional Sunscreen

Spring has been in full swing even as we feel like we’ve taken a pause in this pandemic. Although we may be staying in place, the weather is moving and shifting towards summer. For many of us, weather and the ability to get outside have been vital components to staying sane these last few months. The pleasure of feeling the sun on our faces, the breeze in our hair, inhaling fresh air, and experiencing the sounds of nature can almost transport us into feelings of normalcy.

Normalcy. Normal. A new normal. A phrase that has appeared to help us better articulate how COVID-19 has impacted our way of living and the ripple effects on our habits, behaviors, and mental health. With spring comes new energy, growth, and restlessness. We’ve seen this in the desire for stay-at-home orders to be lifted, the desire to get outside and have social gatherings, and the desire to go back to seeing clients in person. But what about restlessness as a sign of mental health? There are plenty of articles reporting that a mental health crisis will follow as the result of COVID-19 and will be long lasting. Our mental health communities have been working several months straight to support individuals and families with the changes and stresses that have come in waves. As therapists, we’ve prepared for this to some degree, having built practices working with people experiencing anxiety, depression, and trauma. Yet being human ourselves, we are also holding anxiety and dread for what’s to come simultaneously with holding onto hope that it will get better.

Spring Challenges

You see, COVID-19 wasn’t the only challenge to hit us hard in March. Springtime is considered a challenge because it’s known as a time for increased mental health crises. Spring is a time when those who experience the lows of winter and clinical depression related to the darker months start to shift to having more energy. With more energy comes more risks. For individuals experiencing suicidal thoughts, do they now have the energy to make an attempt? For individuals diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, are they experiencing a burst of energy that puts them at greater risk due to increased manic behaviors? Imagine how these worries each spring can combine with the anticipated increase in hopelessness related to COVID-19. For people who have lost jobs, houses, businesses, and loved ones, hopelessness and grief weighs heavy as the weeks accumulate. In fact, as we enter into another month of the pandemic, we may all be grieving the loss of anticipated events or perceived normalcy that summer could bring. The hopes for a planned vacation, a summer break, a slowing of referrals to allow us to regroup. Like a clenched muscle, we feel we must hold on and don’t yet have permission to relax. There continues to be so much that remains unknown about the future months, adding to the rollercoaster of mood as we struggle with not knowing what to plan for or what to look forward to in the ever-shifting weeks to come.

Balance Over Burnout

There is some lightness to balance out the heavy. Mental health professionals are feeling the powerful beauty of connecting with clients on something they too are experiencing in real time. They are embracing raw emotions, vulnerability, and fear. They are expressing gratitude at being able to work via telehealth. They are standing in awe of their clients’ resiliency. 

Therapists are also feeling the burnout of working longer hours and struggling with work separation in working from home. We are human, we are helpers, and we are feeling called to assist others at the risk of caring for ourselves. In connecting with colleagues, it is not uncommon to hear that we feel obligated to help and to remain available. Maybe this would be doable if it was just our clients we were supporting, but for many of us, we are supporting the fear and anxiety of our loved ones, family, and friends as well. It’s a lot to hold, and more than two months in, it’s starting to wear us down.

Slather on the SunscreenWhat can we do to address the growing fatigue as first responders in this pandemic? It’s time to slather on the emotional sunscreen. Embrace this visual of shielding against negativity and practicing professional boundaries. Allow the application of sunscreen to be a gentle and important reminder to protect ourselves from the damage of poor boundaries at the risk of getting burned. Burned by the heavy. Burnt out by the demand. Burnt out by the constant holding of hope and compassion for others. Protecting our emotions. The fight against COVID-19 and its impact on mental health is not over and we are fighting to stay strong.

Reapply Every Two Hours 

So let’s take inspiration from BuzzFeed’s 10 Facts About Sunscreen Most People Don’t Know Due to Marketing Tricks. It is recommended we reapply sunscreen every two hours that we are in the sun. In this case, our metaphorical sun represents all the present stressors, glaringly bright and hard to ignore. They make us uncomfortable, irritable, and tired. So we must take precautions. How do we address the sleepiness and lethargy that too much sun brings? How do we step away, regroup, and restore our energy? How do we protect our empathetic skin from over-exposure to harmful elements that can hurt us, leaving us blistered, raw and achy? We must find a way to reapply our emotional sunscreen to fight off fatigue and feeling drained. Sunburn and burnout have discomfort in common.

More than ‘Make Do’

Discomfort is something we know well as therapists. We are masters at sitting in the discomfort of others to help them heal. We are skilled at compartmentalizing, successfully ignoring our own discomfort to help others. Recall the time you held your bladder so as not to interrupt a session? Or took a call after hours because you could? Or came to work with a head cold so as not to disrupt your client’s momentum? We make do in the face of discomfort, perhaps engaging in the bare minimum protective measures to keep it all moving along. Much like makeup with low SPF. It isn’t enough protection for longer exposure to the sun. Sure, it can serve for short spells or quick outings. But when it comes to sun (stress) exposure of the mental health crisis we are currently facing, minimal SPF isn’t going to cut it. We are in this for the long haul and we don’t want to get burned. We need more emotional sunscreen.

Check Your Expiration Date

More time. More stress. We need to check our own expiration dates when it comes to how much we can handle before we require a break. Last week and this week, I have seen an increase in therapists sharing how tired they are and expressing how they feel like they need a break. This is quickly followed by a disclosure that they cannot leave those they are trying to support during this pandemic out of obligation or guilt. I can relate to this thought process. I can relate to the obligation and responsibility we all feel. We’re helpers. However, I’m also going to champion that all of us take a much-needed break in the near future. Staggered it if need be and timing it to allow rest and restoration. It doesn’t have to be extravagant and it doesn’t have to be long. Sunscreen that has expired is no longer considered effective. If we push past our expiration date, we too are no longer effective. We must honor our own expiration dates and the physical and emotion signs of burnout. Notice the signs that we need to rest and restore in order to do right by ourselves and by our clients.

Maybe it’s a stretch to make a connection between sun, stressors, sunscreen, and burnout. Maybe it isn’t. There’s something reassuring about the idea of getting to a place where we can be mindful enough in our plans to remember to apply sunscreen. Can we apply the emotional sunscreen needed to help us engage in meaningful work without getting burned? Can we show up, remain authentic, and be healthy role models for our clients on taking breaks to avoid burnout? It may not be easy task, but it is doable with practice. They say it takes 30 days to make something a habit. Let’s slather on some emotional sunscreen by summer.

Check out Croswaite Counseling PLLC’s Balance Over Burnout, an online course that introduces 5 tools to prevent burnout for therapists and professional helpers.

Check out BuzzFeed’s full article on 10 Facts About Sunscreen Most People Don’t Know Due to Marketing Tricks here.

Finding Your Passion Projects in a Pandemic

Limit screen time. Exercise. Video chat with family and friends. Go outside. Get restful sleep. America has been bombarded with advice as to how to cope with the current pandemic, and for good reason. This is a time of uncertainty. A time of adjustment. A time for reflection of what is most important. None of us were prepared for the life-changing event that is COVID-19, and as we enter week 5 of stay-at-home orders (here in Colorado), we find ourselves trying to pass the time and hoping for good news at the end of April. Will we get a normal May? June? July? Will we again appreciate live concerts, large gatherings, and colorful festivals that dominate the summer months? Will we plan vacations and travel in the same way as we did before? Will we embrace changes in how our businesses are run? It’s hard to say what the rest of 2020 holds, with many of us taking it one week at a time, both for our sanity and in wanting CDC recommendations to plan our next move.

So how do we stay sane? For some, it’s the escape that Netflix, video games, and reading a good book can offer. Successfully escaping into another world to get our minds off the here and now. For others, it’s framing COVID-19 as an opportunity to reconnect with immediate family, pick up a hobby, or complete projects at home that were pushed off in the past in having no time. I have to admit, my clients have so far reinforced my belief that finding opportunities supports sanity. I feel proud of them in their ability to stay hopeful and attempt to adjust amidst understandable worry, anxiety, and restlessness.

Of course, I need to name the privilege for both myself and my clients in having the luxury of creativity and time for passion projects. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs has resurfaced in the public eye and can be used to normalize the contrast between feelings of barely functioning to extreme productivity, and everything in between. Each person can place themselves at a different level of Maslow’s model during this uncertain time. The understanding is that a person’s basic needs of water, food, shelter, and safety MUST come first before anything requiring higher energy can be achieved. As a therapist, I’ve been quick to mention this to colleagues who were expressing their disappointment of moving to telehealth and feeling like momentum would be lost with their clients. I’ve reassured clients that we will take it day to day, week to week to determine how they adjust best and learn to cope. I too, have needed the reminder for days where worry creeps in a little louder than usual, worry that manifests in thoughts like, “What if I run out of projects? When will I have my meltdown? What if I lose focus? What if my mood tanks? What if I can’t hold hope for my clients that this will get better?” One colleague wrote it beautifully on social media. She named that she’s tired. Tired of holding space for others. Tired of the judgement. Tired of the news. I’m tired too. All therapists are tired. We all are getting tired of this. To make it tolerable, we find ourselves grasping for hope, something to look forward to, or something to help us hang on and keep going.

For me, it’s passion projects. You see, I must own my privilege as a white, middle-class citizen who is married with no children. I feel gratitude that my job and my spouse’s job are safe and secure by transitioning to working remote. I also recognize, as a Perfectioneur (Perfectionist Entrepreneur), I have stepped up my game to complete a variety of projects in the last four weeks to feel like I’m making progress, have momentum, and am still creating plans and goals that can make a difference. I understand that my story isn’t the story of all people. I understand that I am lucky to have my basic needs secure and solidified to allow for this higher work to be the focus. If you feel like you are fortunate enough to be in a similar situation, you too might be working hard to find your passion projects during this pandemic.

Why does passion matter? For Perfectioneurs and other entrepreneurs, we are happiest when we are creating, innovating, and supporting meaningful change. So it’s no wonder that we would do our best to embrace the opportunities the pandemic provides to work on things that have always felt important but have been pushed further down the to-do list due to busy-ness. As the result of COVID-19, we have been forced to slow down. To re-evaluate. To plan. In my first four weeks of the stay-at-home orders, I’ve written half a dozen blogs, finished a draft of a new book, created supplemental material for an online subscription service, and filmed and launched two new online courses. 

I’m not asking for a pat on the back because I’m not unique. In fact, some of our most celebrated creatives produced their best works while under quarantine. Check out these articles that named William Shakespeareand Isaac Newton, as two examples. Perhaps it speaks to the value of space and time to allow ideas to come forward. The ideas generated when we have time on our hands, can’t sleep, or when we are forced to sit with our own thoughts in the early hours of the morning when limited distractions are available. As you can imagine, this could easily shift into mental health challenges or crises when thoughts unravel our sense of purpose, identity, or make us question it all. 

But for others, these thoughts can lead to strokes of genius or passion projects. Holding onto hope that the challenges we face in the present will lead to something beautiful in the future! How do we embrace that gift of creativity? The ah-ha moments leading to meaningful change? 

1.     Take a walk

Walking supports bilateral (left-right-left-right) movement in the body that can support creative thoughts and ideas. It’s a reason why people find themselves pacing when trying to find an answer. Movement can be a powerful strategy in generating solutions to the problems we face.

2.     Write it down

Keep a journal or notebook handy. Or use your notes feature in your phone. Some of our best ideas come to us right before sleep, in a dream, or while we are chatting with a colleague or friend. Writing it down captures the idea for later while giving you permission to be present in the moment.

3.     Run it by a colleague or friend

There’s something powerful about sharing an idea with a trusted colleague or friend to see what questions come up. Do they see the same value you do? Do they have additional perspective that would help your passion project form? 

4.     Workshop it 

If your passion project holds the potential to help others, workshop it to take a deeper dive into its value. Who is the intended audience? Who are your competitors? What pain point are you addressing and why? What makes it stand out? How does your passion project offer a solution?

Passion projects, like hobbies, can support moments of joy and feelings of progress and momentum. In a world that feels stuck as the result of COVID-19, projects can be a welcomed escape from the stress of the unknown. Not everyone will have the ability to embrace passion and creativity in dealing with immense pain, grief and loss as the result of the pandemic. Passion projects could offer some respite from the heaviness and hopelessness felt throughout our communities. After all, we are allowed to feel both gratitude and grief at the same time. So I hope you will consider unlocking your creative potential during this strange moment in time. Embrace your own resiliency. Our passions can bring out the best in us while we adapt in the face of adversity, helping map out positivity and sense of progress in the current pandemic.