Vulnerability is powerful! Championed by heart-centered leaders like Brene Brown, Simon Sinek, and Michelle Obama, we’ve taken notice of how it can pave the way for authentic leadership and deeper connection. Vulnerability has its place in allowing people to feel seen. Learning to lean in to the discomfort to grow, It can serve as a catalyst for change.
I myself have experienced the positive power of vulnerability as a leader. Yet what if there are times we embrace vulnerability for the wrong reasons? To manipulate others? Forced intimacy to get our needs met? Learned helplessness to be seen and cared for because we find we are unable to help ourselves? Showing up in the form of:
People Pleasing.
Co-dependency.
Manipulation.
It’s not uncommon to support vulnerability as a meaningful tool after trauma. For some, it starts with addressing the absence of vulnerability in a person wanting to feel strong, independent, and in control. For folks with mental health diagnoses of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) and Borderline Personality Disorder, vulnerability within relationships can feel even more complicated. C-PTSD, for example, recognizes the impact of repeat relational trauma that challenges a person’s sense of safety and security. The unpredictable environment of not knowing if their needs will be met, when they will be met, or how often. Attachment trauma. Rupture with no repair. If vulnerability has the capability of bringing people closer together, can it manifest as a learned behavior with significant consequences?
As a therapist, I find myself worried that vulnerability can be contrived in response to trauma, pressure, and pleasing of others. Concern that individuals who have had their boundaries violated will embrace vulnerability as a tool but not recognize the risks. What are the consequences of strategic vulnerability for agenda-driven reasons? Perhaps the person receiving the fabricated expression of vulnerability finds it draining or false. Individuals engaged in forced vulnerability to get their needs met may find themselves in burnout, resentment, or fatigue. By embracing inauthentic vulnerability, are we unknowingly elevating our risks of being physically or emotionally hurt again?
With these challenges in mind, I continue to engage clients in an energy wheel exercise in order to explore their relational boundary work each week. Presented as slices of pie, I ask them to map out their energy dedicated to various tasks each week, both personal and professional. Emphasizing relational energy, I encourage clients to remain curious by asking, “what’s my energy pie look like today?”
In the example above, the client indicates spending a lot of energy in Week 1 pleasing her father by spending time with him, meeting his needs, and putting out emotional fires. By actively practicing boundary work over the next several weeks, the client indicates a more balanced energy towards her primary goal of finding a job. By processing the shift in energy, the client recognizes an increase in self-confidence and improved well-being in not feeling as drained by the interactions with her father. This discovery not only reinforces her motivation to continue her important boundary work with family members, it also helps her explore her relationship with vulnerability.
As we can expect, boundaries and vulnerability go hand in hand. From a trauma lens, boundaries and vulnerability are equally challenged by the maladaptive coping skills we develop to survive a threatening experience. Therefore it is important to explore a client’s relationship with vulnerability, identifying how they feel about it, when they embrace it, and how it can serve as an opportunity to bring them closer to connection in healthy relationships while protecting them against unhealthy patterns.
