My husband was talking about the joy of driving a vehicle he really likes. The experience of a horse-powered engine that purrs, a smooth ride over asphalt, and a car that can make one feel confident when in the driver’s seat. In an attempt to further involve me in the pleasure of it all, he’d asked me how I felt when driving my car. “Efficient,” I said. I didn’t even have to glance at his face to notice the joy deflating.
“Efficient is not an emotion,” he responded, “you know that.” He’s right. As a therapist, that was not an acceptable answer. What about for the Perfectioneurs and entrepreneurs out there? The ones that value streamlined efficiency, momentum, and driven purpose? To them, an efficient vehicle is satisfying in getting them from Point A to Point B. It permits them the creative energy for other meaningful pursuits. In an entrepreneurial mind, it’s not about sheer pleasure in the drive, it’s about the purpose of the drive.
Efficient: Achieving maximum productivity with minimum wasted effort or expense
Perfectioneurs can’t stand idleness or wasted energy and I recognize I was speaking as a restless, irritable, and annoyed person that day. It happens, we all have moods. I’d crushed the conversation with my matter-of-fact tone and lack of enthusiasm. It wasn’t the nicest response I could have given to my spouse’s bid for engagement. Instead, I could have engaged more thoughtfully and with more heart.
I’ve come to realize that the more I embrace my identity as a Perfectioneur, the more I notice my edges, flaws, and quirks. I don’t always get joy out of the same things my spouse does. I find myself ten steps ahead in the future, plotting, planning, and anticipating victory energy. So finding myself in what I thought was a casual conversation, my reaction was to be efficient, answering to move the conversation in another direction.
It’s one of the risks of being a Perfectioneur, steamrolling over others in an effort to support our own agenda. And it that moment, I needed to check myself to not be hurtful to the person I love. How many people out there are aware that they do this same thing? That we steamroll and control at times? We’ve all been guilty of treating our loved ones poorly at one time or another, a subconscious expectation that they will tolerate our mood swings and poor behaviors because they love us or care for us and so we let them have it. The day’s frustration gets dumped on them. In this case, my spouse walked into a trap he didn’t even realize was there. And it was my responsibility to repair the hurt my clipped response had created.
Efficient is not a coveted characteristic of romantic relationships.
How’s your spouse doing? Efficiently. How’s the sex? Efficient.
Wouldn’t we rather celebrate unique characteristics of our relationships? Perfectioneurs must learn to lean in to vulnerability to show up more authentically in each relationship they have. Relationships are an important part of balance and connection, therefore they deserve our attention and efforts to strengthen them. Here are some tips I’ve learned along the way to be a better partner to my spouse.
Importance of Eye Contact: If we aren’t looking one another in the eye, are we sure that we have each other’s attention? Are we truly listening?
Routine Check-Ins: Having a routine supports us asking about each other’s day and solidifies plans for the next day. It’s a time where we can be present and make plans together during the busy work week.
Don’t Fix or Freeze: We were taught by a professional once to ask what the other person needs from the conversation. For example, if we were seeking advice, naming it helped our spouse prepare their response. If we just wanted to vent and have them listen, it was helpful to share this up front so they could stay present in the moment without the urge to fix it.
However you choose to navigate your relationship, just know that efficiency is not the goal. Relationships are messy! If you are lucky, they are playful, passionate, and loving too. So strive to be the healthiest Perfectioneur you can be and show up for your relationships. Celebrate others interests, connect on a deeper level, and invest in solid communication. Relationships are the glue that pave the way for creativity, so elect to sit this one shotgun and let your loved one drive.