Satisfactory Self-Disclosure

Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

For many in mental health, self-disclosure is a point of disagreement. Do we self-disclose? Does self-disclosure make it more about us than our clients? Can it get us in trouble? I know my graduate program in counseling urged caution about self-disclosing for a variety of reasons, which were again reinforced by my first job in juvenile corrections. Messages were shared like, protect yourself! Listen, don’t talk! Disclosing could invalidate a client’s experience! Don’t do it! And so on.

Therefore it took me several years to see the value of self-disclosure in connecting with clients at a deeper level in their therapeutic work. For example, watching the disclosure help them relax, knowing they weren’t alone. Seeing them take a deep breath to know it isn’t just them. Having clients report they feel seen in receiving reassurance or validation. Witnessing these meaningful shifts, I can now admit I’m a fan of self-disclosure, within reason of course. There’s a time and place for self-disclosure that feels satisfactory to both us as providers and to our clients. Let’s take a look at some of the suggested structure of self-disclosure and how it can be beneficial in client work.

#1 Keep It Short

Keeping self-disclosure condensed to one or two sentences keeps us from oversharing.

Example: “Yes, I’ve experienced anxiety too.”

#2 Focus on Your Client

By holding the focus on your client, you avoid making the session feel more about you than them.

Example: “I’m curious, with my sharing of having experienced depression before, what does that mean to you and the work we can do together?”

#3 Identify the Purpose of Self-Disclosure

Before you decide to disclose, slow down to ask yourself what the purpose of the disclosure is. Is it to build rapport? Provider reassurance? Validate or normalize? These are worthwhile reasons to self-disclose, as opposed to feeling like we have an agenda, a point to prove, or we are oversharing with no therapeutic direction to go.

Example: “In working with other clients with social anxiety, they found being able to talk about it brought them some comfort. How is it for you?”

#4 Check in

Once you’ve self-disclosed, check in on how it landed for the client. Notice any shifts in their face or body language that would indicate their current level of comfort. Recognize if they shift to caregiving you or keeping the focus on your experience instead of their own. Ask them outright if the self-disclosure was okay with them.

It’s also important to see how the self-disclosure landed for you. Did it feel natural? Worthwhile? Did you find yourself worrying that you shared too much? Perhaps you recognize that you self-disclose with this client more than others in liking them or seeing them more like a friend. These are important elements to notice and track through supervision and consultation to maintain a healthy therapeutic relationship.

Self-disclosure can enrich your therapeutic work when embraced and applied thoughtfully. It can help a client open up, build trust, or show up more authentically in session. It can also isolate or discount a client’s experience when used too liberally or when it comes out in a way that minimizes their experience. Therefore I hope these tips can help you identify the sweet spot for self-disclosure in your own work, embracing it when it feels right and holding boundaries to keep the focus on your client and their growth as the top priority in therapy.

When a Client Feels They Aren’t Making Progress

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You see an email from a client between sessions that states they don’t feel like they are making enough progress in therapy. You find your stomach tightening and your mind begins to spiral. You catch yourself thinking, “am I not an effective therapist? Am I failing them somehow?” After all, many mental health professionals take ownership over session progress or failure as we have a lot invested in the clients we serve.

I want to normalize this experience by stating that an initial emotional reaction to perceived negative feedback is valid. Our desire to help others is valid. Even the client bringing up their progress or lack thereof is valid. To truly embrace this experience as a growth opportunity for our clients and ourselves, consider the following steps to remain grounded and present through the process.

Notice Your Own Stuff. It’s important to notice our reactions and responses to a client saying they don’t feel they are making progress. We may question our abilities. We may find ourselves hurt or defensive. We may want to argue with the client. Notice how you want to respond and hold space for those feelings. Seek supervision or consultation if it can help you hold and process those emotions in preparation for moving forward to the next step.

Remain Curious. It’s important to remain curious about why a particular response is coming up for you. Do you recognize a people-pleasing part of that wants all clients to be happy with the work you do? Are you fearful of a negative review? Did their comment reveal deeper fears of feeling out of your element or incompetent? Perhaps you are feeling blindsided by their feedback because you felt the last few sessions were full of powerful processing. Remain curious about what response is showing up loudest and why.

Boldly Brainstorm. Once you’ve recognized your own response to feedback and work through it, you are ready to re-engage your client. What would it be like to explore their bravery at naming how they feel? Can they identify the barriers that prevented them from bringing it into the room in a previous session? Is there an expectation that needs to be clarified for them to feel good about the work? Or do they need a different fit or referral based on their progress to date? By modeling for the client that these types of conversations are welcome, not only can we better understand where they are coming from to brainstorm solutions, we can also encourage transparency in communication going forward.

Although a client reporting they feel they aren’t making enough progress can be initially upsetting, it can serve as a powerful opportunity to reconnect and communicate on the expectations and structure of therapy for the better. I hope these ideas can help you navigate unfamiliar territory with grace so that future feedback can not only enhance a client’s therapeutic process, but your clinical skills as well!