Photo by Georg Bommeli on Unsplash
What is Financial Gatekeeping and what are the problems it brings to relationships? We first defined Financial Gatekeeping in June 2023 as “preventing a partner from having an active role in shared finances.” Financial Gatekeeping holds some similarities to Maternal Gatekeeping in that it feels one-sided, signifies one partner’s decision-making role, and has a negative impact on the other partner or the family system. Instead of mom’s refusal to allow dad to participate in caregiving or activities with their child, we want to explore the experience of refusing to allow a partner to participate in household finances. Let’s take a look at the problems Financial Gatekeeping can cause:
1. It disempowers one partner
This challenge of Financial Gatekeeping probably feels pretty straightforward in that decision making resides with only one partner. This could look like one partner being solely responsible for the finances, such as having access to bank accounts or reconciling the family expenses each month. This could also mean that the one partner with access to finances makes all purchase decisions big or small, or is responsible for paying the bills for the family. Although there may be an initial agreement to have one person responsible for the finances in thinking it makes things “easier” on the family or couple, it prevents the second partner from having any autonomy or decision making for purchases they may find valuable or in alignment with the family’s goals.
2. It prevents collaboration on shared financial goals
Shared financial goals are an important part of being a couple who has a healthy relationship with money, according to colleague and fellow Financial Therapist Nathan Astle. So how can we support shared financial goals? Financial Gatekeeping prevents goals from being formed because one person makes the decisions, possibly with minimal or zero input from their partner. That second partner may feel they don’t get a say, based on power dynamics, not contributing income to the household, or having a partner who makes more income than them, which can falsely serve as a justification for one person to continue making the decisions and setting the financial goals.
3. It can lead to Financial Abuse
If one person continues to exert power over the other, this looks and sounds like Financial Abuse. Behaviors that can embody Financial Abuse include things like having one partner require permission from the other to spend, restricting their access to bank accounts or shared income tools, giving them a limited amount of money or allowance for the things they need, or requiring all purchases to go through the partner who holds all the power and control over household finances. It’s an unhealthy dynamic with increased possibility if Financial Gatekeeping is occurring in a couple or family.
4. It reinforces negative money beliefs
For the person who is disempowered and restricted from financial decision-making, the messaging they receive from the experience of Financial Gatekeeping can reinforce their negative money beliefs. Perhaps they already have money beliefs like:
I’m bad with money
I can’t be trusted with money
I make poor decisions with money
I spend too much money
Having a partner or spouse enforce Financial Gatekeeping can then amplify these negative beliefs about ourselves, making it that much harder to have a healthy relationship with money.
If you feel like you are stuck in a pattern of Financial Gatekeeping with a partner, the good news is that things can change for the better. Perhaps you start with your own money healing to explore any anxiety or beliefs that could be driving your behaviors. Maybe you engage in couples work around money to increase your connection and communication with one another. Or maybe you start with a mini money date to identify a shared goal you can work on together. Financial Gatekeeping doesn’t have to stay a part of your partnership and money, it can evolve into something empowering to both partners with some intentional work and motivation to change!