Four Problems of Financial Gatekeeping

Photo by Georg Bommeli on Unsplash

What is Financial Gatekeeping and what are the problems it brings to relationships? We first defined Financial Gatekeeping in June 2023 as “preventing a partner from having an active role in shared finances.” Financial Gatekeeping holds some similarities to Maternal Gatekeeping in that it feels one-sided, signifies one partner’s decision-making role, and has a negative impact on the other partner or the family system. Instead of mom’s refusal to allow dad to participate in caregiving or activities with their child, we want to explore the experience of refusing to allow a partner to participate in household finances. Let’s take a look at the problems Financial Gatekeeping can cause:

1.     It disempowers one partner

This challenge of Financial Gatekeeping probably feels pretty straightforward in that decision making resides with only one partner. This could look like one partner being solely responsible for the finances, such as having access to bank accounts or reconciling the family expenses each month. This could also mean that the one partner with access to finances makes all purchase decisions big or small, or is responsible for paying the bills for the family. Although there may be an initial agreement to have one person responsible for the finances in thinking it makes things “easier” on the family or couple, it prevents the second partner from having any autonomy or decision making for purchases they may find valuable or in alignment with the family’s goals.

2.     It prevents collaboration on shared financial goals

Shared financial goals are an important part of being a couple who has a healthy relationship with money, according to colleague and fellow Financial Therapist Nathan Astle. So how can we support shared financial goals? Financial Gatekeeping prevents goals from being formed because one person makes the decisions, possibly with minimal or zero input from their partner. That second partner may feel they don’t get a say, based on power dynamics, not contributing income to the household, or having a partner who makes more income than them, which can falsely serve as a justification for one person to continue making the decisions and setting the financial goals.

3.     It can lead to Financial Abuse

If one person continues to exert power over the other, this looks and sounds like Financial Abuse. Behaviors that can embody Financial Abuse include things like having one partner require permission from the other to spend, restricting their access to bank accounts or shared income tools, giving them a limited amount of money or allowance for the things they need, or requiring all purchases to go through the partner who holds all the power and control over household finances. It’s an unhealthy dynamic with increased possibility if Financial Gatekeeping is occurring in a couple or family.

4.     It reinforces negative money beliefs

For the person who is disempowered and restricted from financial decision-making, the messaging they receive from the experience of Financial Gatekeeping can reinforce their negative money beliefs. Perhaps they already have money beliefs like:

I’m bad with money

I can’t be trusted with money

I make poor decisions with money

I spend too much money

Having a partner or spouse enforce Financial Gatekeeping can then amplify these negative beliefs about ourselves, making it that much harder to have a healthy relationship with money.

If you feel like you are stuck in a pattern of Financial Gatekeeping with a partner, the good news is that things can change for the better. Perhaps you start with your own money healing to explore any anxiety or beliefs that could be driving your behaviors. Maybe you engage in couples work around money to increase your connection and communication with one another. Or maybe you start with a mini money date to identify a shared goal you can work on together. Financial Gatekeeping doesn’t have to stay a part of your partnership and money, it can evolve into something empowering to both partners with some intentional work and motivation to change!

Meeting Your Money Milestones

For many small business owners, entering the last quarter of the year prompts us to revisit our numbers. Perhaps we are trying to wrap up projects or carve out time for new ones in the new year. What if we are wanting to see if we hit our annual revenue goal? Or maybe it’s our desire to see how 2021 compared to the strangeness that was 2020. Whatever the reason, we tend to feel some pressure to finish strong before the holidays. I know this feels true for me, especially with the added milestone of buying our first house this Fall! So what are you missing in your toolkit to meet your money milestones? Let’s take a look at some Financial Therapy tools that have worked wonders for other business owners!

Know Your Numbers

I know this may seem like a no-brainer, but it isn’t uncommon for a small business owner to experience avoidance, overwhelm, guilt, or shame when trying to get closer to their numbers. Do you know your monthly expenses? How about how much you make each month? What are your periodic expenses for the year, factored over 12 months? Although it may be emotional, this is an opportunity to get closer to your money which has long lasting, positive effects including increased confidence and security in your business. Do you feel like you already have these elements locked in? Consider the 50-30-20 rule for your business versus your personal expenses. This can be a thought-provoking, next-level exercise in healing our relationship to money for driven professionals everywhere!

Rename Your Accounts

A personal favorite, it’s amazing to see the shifts that happen when business owners rename their accounts to something that has more emotional buy-in. How different would it feel to see a savings account named “Vacation to Hawaii” or an account that says “Dream Home” when putting money aside each month? How would it feel to rename a credit card to “Life-changing Trip to Italy” rather than credit card debt? This simple but powerful shift in how we think and feel about our money can make all the difference in staying committed to our savings goals or our debt reduction plan. So think about what words would capture a positive emotion for you when you sign into your bank accounts online. Try a couple of names on for size and see how they land. You can always rename your accounts again and again as you work to find the best fit.

Talk About Money

This tip may seem strange and yet talking about money continues to be a taboo conversation for many. Maybe it was discouraged in your family. Maybe it’s created a visceral reaction in you to talk about money with your partner, spouse, or business partner which has lead to fighting in the past. In order to heal your money story, you have to get close to it and talk about it. To be clear, I’m not suggesting you go around saying “I can’t afford ______.” That’s a self-limiting belief that we have all been caught saying to ourselves. I’m talking about taking the power out of money by making it a more casual conversation. Perhaps it’s celebrating a milestone with a colleague you trust. Or having what Bari Tessler calls a Money Date with your partner or spouse to check in on your goals. Maybe you are sharing what you’ve learned about yourself in your Financial Therapy work with friends and family. Although we know not everyone can hold these conversations with you in having to do their own work around money, modeling money chats as safe can cause a positive ripple effect for those who wish to partake.

Revisit Your Money Monthly

Lastly, once you start the work of knowing your numbers, don’t forget about them! The work of money healing is not a one-and-done process. You have to check in once in awhile. So what would it be like to set up a money date for yourself to review your numbers? Will you run a P&L for the business? Review bank statements to see what you made this month? Utilize a tool like TillerHQ, MoneyGrit, or YNAB which give you a snapshot of your month? There are plenty of possibilities here so discover what works for you and go for it!

I hope these tools are as impactful for you as they’ve been for other brave small business owners who wished to redefine their wealth, worth, and work-life balance. This is just the tip of the iceberg of what Financial Therapy can offer! If you feel inspired, intimidated, or just want the accountability of doing this work with someone who can offer the safe space and compassion to create a difference, please reach out!

Khara Croswaite Brindle is a Certified Financial Therapist-Level I™ Professional. Schedule your free 20 minute discovery call to explore Financial Therapy here.

What the Movie “Knives Out” Teaches Us About Money

There are millions of people in the world who would describe their relationship with money as “complicated.” Maybe it’s the belief that more money would make them happier, so they struggle with workaholism. Or they were taught that being rich leads to greed, so they spend their money as soon as they earn it. Perhaps they avoid looking at their bank statements because it causes them distress or shame to see the growing debt. All of these reactions are valid and become the focus of money healing work offered through Financial Therapy.

So where does the movie “Knives Out” come in? For someone who’s ready to explore their relationship with money, I encourage them to notice what shows up as they witness each character’s relationship with money in the movie. Is there a character you relate to? Does their behavior cause an emotional reaction in you? Notice any thoughts, feelings or judgements that come up.

“Knives Out” captures several money disorders in action. There are ten money disorders identified within Financial Therapy so far and these characters represent the emotional toll of disordered behaviors with money. Behaviors many of us want to heal and change in ourselves. So grab your popcorn and get ready to look at “Knives Out” from a whole new perspective by revisiting the characters below.

Are you similar to Marta Cabrera, the main character who finds herself the recipient of a large inheritance in addition to sudden grief and loss. Marta is a caregiver who suffers from Noble Poverty, the phenomenon that one must sacrifice their own financial stability in the name of helping others. The inheritance initially causes her distress and triggers questions about her worth until she shifts to seeing it as an opportunity to help her loved ones.

How do you see Ransom Drysdale, the antagonist in the story? Ransom’s expectation is that he is one of the rightful owners of the family fortune and should remain such, which causes him to threaten violence and be manipulative to get his way. His grandfather Harlan Thromby’s decision to bequest his fortune to his caregiver Marta instead of the family, infuriates Ransom. Ransom demonstrates Financial Denial about the changing circumstances of his spending due to his grandfather’s decision, which threatens the lifestyle Ransom has come to expect with his grandfather as his benefactor for years.

Maybe you recognize the behaviors of Linda Drysdale, mother to Ransom and daughter to Harlan, the benefactor in this story. Linda is a Financial Enabler, believing Ransom and the other family members deserve their inheritance based on blood relations and the commitment they’ve maintained to Harlan over the years. Because of this belief, she attempts to convince Marta of her obligation to return the inheritance to the family to allow them to continue their lifestyles, believing they have earned that right.

What about Walt Thromby, the dedicated, hard-working son who is left reeling when his father refused to bequest the business to him after his death. Walt knows he has helped grow the business and thus the fortune, demonstrating signs of Workaholism to prove his worth and value to his father Harlan for decades.

Or perhaps you recognize the emotional reaction of Joni Thromby, daughter to Harlan. Joni has leaned on the contributions of Harlan as a single mother. She demonstrates Financial Dependence, which causes her to panic when hearing from Harlan that he will no longer fund her lifestyle, reporting she is now on her own.

Which leads us to Meg Thromby, daughter of Joni. Meg represents Financial Enmeshment. Her dependence on mom Joni and reliance on grandfather Harlan who pays for her schooling, is jeopardized by Harlan’s decision to stop funding her and mom’s lifestyles. As a daughter, she feels obligated to speak up and secure funding in response to reactions of stress and self-preservation in both her and mom. Joni leans on Meg to fix things by asking Marta to return the money to the family.

Last but not least is Richard Drysdale, husband to Linda. Richard has married into the family and has his own agendas throughout the movie, which we learn when it’s discovered that he has a secret relationship with another woman. This leads us to wonder if he represents Financial Infidelity in addition to Relationship Infidelity, hiding accounts or funds from his wife as part of his secret life.

Other money disorders include Hoarding, Gambling, and Compulsive Spending. Although not blatantly represented throughout the movie, these money disorders could also be contributing to the urgency and unrest of the family, which aptly categorizes this movie as a drama.

What’s coming up for you? I enjoyed this movie for the entertaining who-done-it element that kept us all on our toes the first time we watched it. Now I value it for the money exploration and self-discovery it can offer in the world of Financial Therapy. Are you ready to watch it with new eyes? Perhaps it can assist you in crafting a new relationship with money!

Khara is a contracted Financial Therapist with Financial Therapy Solutions in Denver, CO.

Learn more about Financial Therapy and work with Khara here.