The Human in the Helper: You cannot heal what you don’t reveal

Dr. Kendal Wellington Humes is a trailblazer. As a doctorate-level psychotherapist in private practice, he’s recently taken on the task of building a behavioral health program from the ground up in academia, as it’s first department chair. He’s had a busy few years, however they haven’t been without challenges. “I’m winning and I’m losing irreplaceable things.” In the past 8 years in Colorado, Dr. Kendal has experienced the loss of a parent, godparent, pet loss, and two painful divorces. “My private practice has kept me alive,” he shared.

“People see my progress but not my process,” Dr. Kendal reflected. He’s no stranger to wanting to excel since he’s achieved four degrees and multiple letters after his name before his mid-thirties. Educational and career achievements provided him a sense of purpose and control when his personal life felt rocky. “No one can take that from me,” he reflected.

Dr. Kendal named the pressure he feels to succeed. “I can’t afford to be mediocre. I’m Black. I’m an immigrant. I’m tall. I’m dark-skinned. And I’m openly gay. I don’t have the privilege of being mediocre.” He’s achieved quite a bit in his career so far, working in community mental health, offering supervision, starting a private practice, and now working in academia. He spoke of the bittersweetness of achieving success while grieving. “People are celebrating the successes but not the losses. Transparency can be weaponized.” Dr. Kendal also spoke to the pressure mental health professionals feel to have things all figured out. “We get the message that we should know better. We should be better.” As a mentor to younger generations of therapists and professionals, It hasn’t stopped him from sharing the hardships as well as the victories.

“I’ve been through divorce. My father died.” Dr. Kendal has experienced depression and he’s felt immense grief. “I didn’t feel like I could give people an honest answer about how I was doing. People don’t always understand what sacrifices have to be made for the successes they see.” Dr. Kendal also recognizes he’s hardest on himself. When experiencing divorce, he found himself saying, “I can’t even heal my own person. I can’t heal my own shit.”

Now Dr. Kendal is all about seeing both sides. “I can see the good and the bad. You cannot heal what you don’t reveal.” He describes his approach as strengths-based and holds onto some humor, even when things get heavy. “I have a strong sense of self. I had to forgive myself.” Dr. Kendal has similar ideas for others going through immense pain in their personal life. “Keep moving. Fall on your back instead of your face. When you fall on your back, you can still see what direction you need to go.”

As for himself, Dr. Kendal’s purpose has become clearer thanks to added perspective and deeper insight from the losses he’s experienced. “Sometimes letting go will put you right where you need to be. Stop fighting.” He’s attempting to take the changes in stride, knowing he has more people to meet and engage in his journey as a psychotherapist. “I’m a wounded healer,” he named. “Failures can be a win too. How will failures help us grow?”

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

The Human in the Helper: My clients didn't know

Sharon loves using humor in her therapeutic work, which serves her well considering she works with a variety of clients including children to older adults. It’s also helped her navigate almost four years of medical challenges. “I had three medical issues in a row!” Sharon shared. She reflected on needing serious medical care that felt disruptive to her work-life balance for several years. “It was hard. Sometimes it was great to be with clients because I needed to think of things other than the pain.”

Even as Sharon was attempting to navigate her pain, most of her clients didn’t know she was going through so much. “Clients would be shocked to know what I went through. They had no idea. I had to think about if it would hurt or help clients to know,” she said. This was possible due to her offering telehealth sessions where clients couldn’t see the medical changes or recovery equipment in her life at that time. Sharon went on to describe how she didn’t want to reinforce attachment traumas for certain clients or cause them to worry about her, resulting in clients attempting to caregive her rather than focusing on their own stuff in therapy. “We have to be curious about if honesty is helpful, or if it just makes it about us, “ Sharon warns.  It helps us reflect on the purpose of self-disclosure when things are happening in our personal lives, exploring the impact on our client work from multiple viewpoints.

Sharon isn’t saying that clients come first, however. When it comes to medical care and health and wellness needs, she recommends therapists treat themselves likes CEOs. “Be the CEO of your business where your needs come first, then your client care.” She named how making her health a priority actually helped her get better, and allowed her to serve her clients better when feeling well again.

An important part of Sharon’s recovery in needing medical care was her own support system. She reflects on how embracing vulnerability and sharing her struggles with colleagues helped her reduce her caseload with thoughtful referrals when she was feeling tapped out. She named gratitude for a spouse who encouraged her to do what needed to be done in order to get better.  “There’s a strength in saying there’s no way I can get through this on my own.”

Sharon is celebrating that she’s in a better spot with her health today, and recognizes that the lived experience of multiple medical concerns has made her a better clinician in some ways. “Having to sit in the question of ‘is this it?’ myself allows me to sit in this heaviness with clients.” Whether it’s aging, end of life, or the loss of a loved one, she feels prepared to slow down with clients and feel the big emotions that come with mortality and loss. She continues to hold passion for her client work and gratitude for her experiences, and names a willingness to keep her health a first priority amidst her calling as a clinician. “As long as I can take a break from any surgeries or medical crises in 2024,” Sharon grinned.

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!