How do we respond to someone who shares they are estranged from family? Imagine you’re at a work dinner attempting to make polite conversation, so you embark upon the topic of family. Instead of it being a neutral topic as you hoped, you watch the person across from you start to shut down, get angry, or fight tears. Or perhaps you are in the process of getting to know a new dating partner who shares that they are estranged and you don’t know what to ask or say next! Conversations about family can be tough for all parties in an estranged relationship. Let’s explore some common questions and experiences for support persons of adult children who are estranged.
For Partners
Recognizing how painful the process of estrangement can be for your loved one, here are some things to consider as the compassionate partner or spouse of a person who has experienced a relationship rupture with their parent.
1. Know That the Holidays Can Be Heavy
Holidays are challenging for folks for a variety of reasons. This might include family conflict, death, trauma anniversaries, and toxic relationships. If your partner is not currently connected to family but is subjected to movies, advertisements, and events catered to holiday family fun, they can experience additional or elevated grief and loss.
2. Recognize That the Body Remembers
Trauma events have a way of sticking with us, not just in our memory but at a deeper, cellular level as well. Clients I’ve served weren’t actively recalling these events, but their body remembered and responded by recreating some of the emotions or sensations associated with the trauma.
3. Acknowledge Cultural Expectations of Family
In addition to holidays being heavy, a cultural expectation of the importance of family can increase your loved one’s feelings of shame or guilt about their estrangement from their mother. Cultures that emphasize family over individuals can bring up self-doubt in your loved one about not trying hard enough to repair the relationship, or can intensify feelings of failure that they weren’t successful in healing the relationship with their mom. It’s important to recognize how every day, normed portrayals of family can be triggering for your loved one in not having that expected dynamic.
4. Follow Your Partner’s Lead
When walking into a scenario where discussions of family systems or dynamics come up, allow your partner to lead the conversation. Support them in their decision to disclose as much or as little as they need to in order to interact with others in ways that feel safe to them. If they decide to not disclose their estrangement, they have their reasons. If they choose to name their current status as an adult estranged from a parent, that’s their choice too.
5. Ask, “What Do You Need?”
When your partner or loved one finds themselves triggered by people, places, media portrayals, or memories, there is one powerful question you can ask them as their partner. Couples’ therapists would agree with me when I say this question has saved relationships! Try asking your loved one, “what do you need?” Or ask, “what do you need in this moment?” These questions can be especially helpful because they give your partner permission to advocate for what might help them best.
6. Encourage Chosen Connections
As a partner, it’s not expected that you be the one and only support person to your loved one. It’s not fair to them and it’s not healthy for you. Therefore, it’s recommended that you encourage your partner to develop additional healthy relationships, including some with parental figures if appropriate. By exploring and building their support network alongside them, your loved one will feel they have options without over-relying on any one person, including you.
For Siblings
A strained relationship between parent and adult child can ripple out to siblings as well. Siblings may feel that they are caught in the middle, wanting to please both parties and maintain connection to both. Or they could feel pushed to choose sides, aligning with one and becoming estranged from the other as a natural consequence. Should you choose to walk the delicate line of maintaining relationships with both your parent and your sibling, here are some ideas to keep your boundaries healthy with both.
1. Don’t Share What They Share
The urge to report back on what your parent is saying about your sibling is strong. However, this information can be very hurtful to your sibling, who is attempting to achieve a clean break from that relationship. Your disclosures can intentionally or unintentionally keep the trauma cycle alive by giving them a play-by-play of what your parent is saying. The reverse is also true, where you share what your sibling is saying or doing with a parent who is estranged. Not only does this keep the wounds raw for your parent, who is trying to grapple with feelings of abandonment and rejection within their family system; your sibling may feel betrayed by your sharing of information they believed was shared with you in confidence.
2. Don’t Attack Their Character
When a sibling or parent attempts to vent to you about the estrangement, it’s not uncommon for them to want you as an ally. This is not an invitation to attack the character of the other party. Allow your loved one to vent without taking sides. It is also not your responsibility to defend either side or their choices that resulted in estrangement.
3. Attempt to Remain Neutral
Recognizing that you may only see one piece of the puzzle in the conflict between parent and sibling, attempt to remain neutral around the details of the estrangement. Even if you were raised alongside your sibling and feel that you witnessed all the same events, trauma cements different memories for different people. Your experience is not their experience. Arguing or defending one perspective as the “true perspective” will result in further distance from your sibling if you aren’t careful.
4. Reflect Their Emotions
Instead of getting caught up in the details, remain focused on your sibling’s emotions. By reflecting their hurt, anger, or outrage, you keep the focus on them and their needs rather than the details of the conflict. They may disclose a variety of emotions, all of which are valid. Acknowledge without attempting to minimize or negate their emotions. Statements such as “I can see how that hurt you,” or “I hear how painful this is for you,” can indicate that you are listening with compassion.
5. Don’t Be a Mediator
It’s a delicate balance of empathy and compassion when listening to your sibling speak of the estrangement. You are at risk of triangulation in being connected to both your sibling and your parent, and you will want to avoid being the messenger between both parties. You may find yourself taking on the role of mediator in wanting them to reconcile. The desire to reconcile is yours to own. Avoid allowing hope to push you into the “fix- its” where you attempt to repair the relationship for them.
6. Have Your Own Support
You are human and the desire to have an intact, healthy family is natural. However, watching your family members go through an estrangement can take its toll on you as well. Consider having your own support outside of your family. This could be a mentor, mental health professional, or friend who can re- main neutral to your circumstance while allowing you to speak of the estrangement’s impact on your life. A counselor or therapist can take this a step further by introducing new coping skills that allow you to understand and adapt to your current situation.
For Friends and Community Members
Friends, colleagues, mentors, and community members may also be looking for guidance on how to best support a person in their social sphere who is estranged. Consider the following dos and don’ts.
DO
1. Encourage new holiday traditions like Friends-giving in lieu of traditional Thanksgiving.
2. Remain compassionate to triggers in conversations about family.
3. Respect their choice to be estranged.
4. Follow their lead on whether they want to talk about the
estrangement or not.
5. See them as a whole person, not just estrangement.
6. Listen when they choose to talk about their family.
7. Encourage healthy, supportive relationships with others.
DON’T
Push them to attend family gatherings that would make them feel unsafe.
Argue with them to reconcile because “they might regret it!”
Assume the reasons for their estrangement.
Label them selfish, impulsive, or manipulative for choosing
estrangement.Shame them because “family comes first.”
Attack the character of their estranged parent, thinking it’s
helpful.Expect them to reconcile when estrangement may be
permanent.
Each estrangement comes from unique and personal circumstances for both adult child and parent. It can’t be emphasized enough how important it is to realize that the decision to be estranged isn’t an easy one to make. As a support person, attempt to set aside your own thoughts or opinions on the matter, in order to be fully present and compassionate for the person who has chosen estrangement in support of their own safety, survival, or mental health. Check your biases at the door and ask what would help them most in this moment. If you stumble and offend them, apologize. You are human first and can make mistakes. Pay attention to their body language and ask for feedback on how you can remain a valued support to them in this difficult process. By being genuinely caring and curious about their experience, you are conveying an important message of connection in an otherwise stigmatized existence of estrangement.