estrangementenergy

Why Did I Write a Book about Mother-Daughter Estrangement?

Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships was inspired by my client work in therapy with women of all different backgrounds, but it was also informed by brief estrangement within my family tree, as well as four generations of estrangement in the family I’m married into. It’s a book that looks at a pattern I was seeing in the women I was serving as a therapist, specifically the energy estrangement was taking up in their lives and the possible stages they could experience as the result of a relationship rupture with their mom. I first wrote about the stages I was seeing—named the Estrangement Energy Cycle—in 2020. We were in the thick of the pandemic, and I think I was holding onto something that made sense at a time where nothing in the greater world made sense. I released a blog on the cycle that colleagues responded favorably to, affirming that they were seeing what I was seeing in their therapeutic work as well. That was when I knew I had a future book to write on the subject.

Fast forward to 2022, I’d self-published three books in three years on subjects that felt important to me and relevant to the populations I was serving. I had just become a mother to my own daughter and was on maternity leave when a request to review a book proposal came through, with an open invitation to pitch book ideas to the publisher. So my entrepreneurial brain said, why not? I was eight weeks postpartum when I submitted my book proposal, and my daughter was four months old when I started researching and writing this book. 

It’s not lost on me that I was writing a book about mother-daughter estrangement while fostering healthy attachment with my own infant daughter. Upon learning about my book deal with a publisher, my mom asked me outright if there was anything I needed to tell her. That conversation still makes me chuckle since I know she was just making sure that things between us were okay and it showed she was interested in this topic too. I’d had a couple tumultuous teenage years with my mom that I reflected upon while writing this book, which only strengthened my gratitude for our close relationship in my adult years as I watch her deep and unconditional love for my baby girl as her first grandchild. My mom had been estranged from her dad for a period of time as a young adult when her parents divorced after his infidelity. I know that my grandma’s devastation about the divorce influenced my mom’s decision to stop speaking to him. My grandma was so hurt and angry that I recall her speaking poorly of my grandfather to my sister and I as early as five years old, encouraging us to call him a derogatory nickname in her household as a sign of allegiance to her. This memory shaped a chapter of the book on the ripple effect on families, where family members feel pressured to declare loyalties to one family member or another as the result of the estrangement. 

Fortunately for my mom, she was able to reconcile with her dad and maintained a healthy, loving relationship with him for the remainder of his life, all while setting boundaries with her mom on how she expressed her hurt and distrust in front of us kids. Boundaries in families were again revisited when watching my in-laws pursue estrangement that resulted in four generations not speaking to one another over the course of several years. Observing the walking-on-eggshells dynamic, the justification for broken ties, and the sadness and hurt that resulted from those estrangements informed multiple chapters of this book, including what community members could say or do to support someone who is estranged. 

As for the writing process of this book, I would read and research estrangement during my daughter’s many naps as an infant, and would write for two hours every night after putting her to bed. Oftentimes the writing came easily, although sometimes I spent my evening reworking a chapter or story to address writer’s block and anchor myself in what content was coming next. A silly memory I have of this time was sitting in my closet on the floor, writing away while trying not to wake the baby, all while remaining several feet away in case she fussed or needed me.

My favorite part of this book was capturing stories of women going through the estrangement energy cycle, inspired by clients I’d served as a therapist for the past decade. Recalling my clients’ hard work was a gift, they had inspired this book’s content from the very beginning and writing about their stories felt like the work had come full circle. Not only was this book capturing the beautiful, vulnerable work clients had done for themselves, it would serve as a beacon of hope for other adult daughters exploring estrangement and reconciliation with their mothers.

Having colleagues to survey and beta reader feedback of the first draft helped flushed out the content even more. My mom has been the first reader and editor of all my books, so her feedback felt very symbolic for this book in particular. It even spurred some additional compassionate conversations about my grandma from the lenses of abuse and trauma, that I felt helped my mom heal from rocky relationship moments in their mother-daughter dynamic too. In writing every night, I finished and submitted my manuscript in four months time! Then came the journey of cover design and awaiting the finished product to put out in the world.

As I reflect on this journey today, I’m feeling so grateful for the process and connections this book has brought into my life as an author, therapist, and mother. Hearing from clinicians and adult daughters as readers of this book has been very fulfilling, and I hope it encourages healing for many readers, including the mothers and daughters within my own family tree.

Five Tips for Talking to Kids about Estrangement

“Mom, why don’t you talk to Grandma?”

Being an adult in a family with estranged loved ones feels challenging. Being a child witnessing that dynamic can be even more difficult. What does an adult daughter say to her child who asks why she doesn’t have a grandma? How do the adults in a child’s life explain estrangement? What can be shared when a child comes home with a family tree assignment and asks why they don’t have lots of family members like other kids? 

Over the years, child therapists and grief experts have emphasized the importance of straightforward and truthful answers to children regarding all sorts of difficult topics, including death and suicide. When it comes to the emotionally charged topic of estrangement, the same rules can apply. Let’s look at five tips for speaking to kids about estrangement:

  1. Keep it Short and Straightforward

You may have heard of the acronym KISS. In our example, KISS stands for Keep it Short and Straightforward. The length of the explanation is directly related to the child’sage. Meaning a short, simple answer for a young child and a potentially longer, more detailed explanation for a teenager who wants to know what happened. Straightforward is important to emphasize because it captures the importance of being honest in our disclosures as parents. Just as mental health professionals would dissuade a parent from encouraging a child to view death as “the person is just sleeping,” to avoid or lie about a family estrangement could also backfire and have harmful consequences. 

2. Breathe

It’s understandable that your child’s questions about the estrangement can bring up emotions for you. It’s also not uncommon to overshare when feeling anxious or irritated. A great way to keep your emotions in check is to take a breath and ask your child what they want to know about the estrangement. Their answer may surprise you! 

3. Share as Much as They Want to Know

Don’t panic! As we alluded to in the previous tip, kids may have a simple thing they want to know that surprises you. They may have a quick question that doesn’t warrant significant anxiety, like asking where the person lives or if they look like anyone else in the family, or how old they are. Or they may want to know more about the conflict that led up to the estrangement, which would warrant a more detailed response. Even in this instance, taking a moment to pause allows you to remain mindful of what you share, keeping it focused on simple, straightforward details while grounding yourself in your emotions to avoid unintentionally oversharing with your child.

4. Validate their Feelings

It goes without saying that acknowledging your child’s emotions can go a long way in this conversation. How are they feeling with the information you shared? What if they are feeling sad, angry, or confused? Do they feel it’s safe to express these emotions to you?

5. Encourage other questions if they have them now or in the future.

Sometimes kids don’t know what other questions they have until they have some time to process what you’ve already shared. By saying out loud that they are welcome to ask other questions at any time provides a sense of reassurance and safety that it’s okay to come to you with questions, which most parents want their kids to do when navigating difficult topics of all kinds.

What would you add? With one in 12 people being estranged from at least one family member, the likelihood of kids having questions about family estrangement is pretty high. Check out our model of this conversation in our children’s book Penny McGee’s Family Tree: Talking to kids about estrangement. You can do this!

Four Tips to Heal from Estrangement with Your Adult Daughter

As a mother, you never imagine that your adult child is going to stop talking to you. To experience estrangement from your child is unbelievably painful. And for many parents, they report feeling bewildered and confused as to why estrangement came to be. The good news is that folks are sharing that reconciliation is possible. There are authors who have dedicated books and blogs to helping parents navigate this experience and support their desire of coming back together. Although there’s no exact formula that guarantees reconciliation, there are a few things to consider from what we know now from the adult child’s perspective.

First, what are your reasons for wanting reconciliation with your adult child? Getting curious about your responses to the following questions can shed light on your healing journey from estrangement as a parent.

  1. Why do you want to reconcile? 

Being honest with yourself is the first step. Do you want to repair the relationship? Do you want to feel heard and validated in your choices? Are you looking to get even? Do you want a relationship with your grandchildren? There are any number of reasons why a parent wants to reconcile, and being prepared with a response for yourself and your estranged adult child should they ask would be an important first step.

2. What are your expectations of the reconciled relationship? 

As humans, it’s not uncommon to hear folks say they want everything to go back to the way it was, or to start over, both of which would be problematic for the estranger/adult child who made this choice reflecting that something wasn’t right. Going backward or to sameness would be a significant issue for them. What do you want the reconciled relationship to look like? Recognize that the relationship could be better or worse, but most likely just different. 

3. What steps will you agree to for reconciliation? 

As you attempt to reengage your adult child, what offerings or compromises can you accept? Are you open to phone calls to start? Are you willing to have a relationship with your daughter-in-law but not speak to your estranged son? Are you pursuing a relationship with your grandchildren, even if it means you aren’t on speaking terms with their mother? Knowing your own boundaries in the reconciliation process will help both you and your adult child navigate the testing phase of reconciliation. 

4. What can you take responsibility for? 

In other words, have you done your own reflection of what happened? Are you prepared to accept your adult child’s accusations and avoid arguing? Can you clearly name the offending actions prior to estrangement being pursued? Are you clear on the priority being repairing the relationship over determining whose memories of events are right? 

Which leads us to the second aspect of healing from estrangement and improving the possibility of reconciliation with your adult child. In serving hundreds of women over the years in therapy, I’ve heard from many of them that they are seeking the three “A”s: Acknowledgment, Apology, and Action. 

Acknowledgement

Adult children are asking for acknowledgement from their parents that things weren’t always perfect in their childhood. What feels tricky for parents is the fear that if they acknowledge they’ve made mistakes, that it means they are a bad parent. Not true! How can you acknowledge you were human? That you would do things differently now? We can’t change the past, but being present with your adult child now can be the start of the healing journey towards reconciliation.

Apology

Are there pieces worth apologizing for? What could your apology sound like? What tone? It’s understandably difficult to feel neutral in the face of your adult child’s charged emotions about your relationship with them. Some adult children will express anger or rage. Parents, in their own hurt, can respond in defensiveness. How can you remain present and authentic in your apology? Does it help you to soften by remembering that your adult child’s expression of emotion shows that they are hurting?

Action

What steps can you take to work on yourself and the relationship with your adult child? Does it mean going to therapy, working with a coach, or engaging a mentor? Is it about initiating family therapy with your adult child if they are ready to engage in that way with you? For so many parents, doing your own work is important to your own healing, regardless of if reconciliation is possible. 

Imagine that both you and your adult child have gaping wounds on your body. You are both raw, hurt, and bleeding. That’s what estrangement feels like. The process to heal an injury like this takes intention action, insight, and time. You can heal yourself and support your adult child’s healing. They deserve to get to know you as the person you are today.

Community Support of Someone Who is Estranged

How do we respond to someone who shares they are estranged from family? Imagine you’re at a work dinner attempting to make polite conversation, so you embark upon the topic of family. Instead of it being a neutral topic as you hoped, you watch the person across from you start to shut down, get angry, or fight tears. Or perhaps you are in the process of getting to know a new dating partner who shares that they are estranged and you don’t know what to ask or say next! Conversations about family can be tough for all parties in an estranged relationship. Let’s explore some common questions and experiences for support persons of adult children who are estranged. 

For Partners 

Recognizing how painful the process of estrangement can be for your loved one, here are some things to consider as the compassionate partner or spouse of a person who has experienced a relationship rupture with their parent. 

1. Know That the Holidays Can Be Heavy
Holidays are challenging for folks for a variety of reasons. This might include family conflict, death, trauma anniversaries, and toxic relationships. If your partner is not currently connected to family but is subjected to movies, advertisements, and events catered to holiday family fun, they can experience additional or elevated grief and loss. 

2. Recognize That the Body Remembers
Trauma events have a way of sticking with us, not just in our memory but at a deeper, cellular level as well. Clients I’ve served weren’t actively recalling these events, but their body remembered and responded by recreating some of the emotions or sensations associated with the trauma. 

3. Acknowledge Cultural Expectations of Family
In addition to holidays being heavy, a cultural expectation of the importance of family can increase your loved one’s feelings of shame or guilt about their estrangement from their mother. Cultures that emphasize family over individuals can bring up self-doubt in your loved one about not trying hard enough to repair the relationship, or can intensify feelings of failure that they weren’t successful in healing the relationship with their mom. It’s important to recognize how every day, normed portrayals of family can be triggering for your loved one in not having that expected dynamic. 

4. Follow Your Partner’s Lead
When walking into a scenario where discussions of family systems or dynamics come up, allow your partner to lead the conversation. Support them in their decision to disclose as much or as little as they need to in order to interact with others in ways that feel safe to them. If they decide to not disclose their estrangement, they have their reasons. If they choose to name their current status as an adult estranged from a parent, that’s their choice too. 

5. Ask, “What Do You Need?”
When your partner or loved one finds themselves triggered by people, places, media portrayals, or memories, there is one powerful question you can ask them as their partner. Couples’ therapists would agree with me when I say this question has saved relationships! Try asking your loved one, “what do you need?” Or ask, “what do you need in this moment?” These questions can be especially helpful because they give your partner permission to advocate for what might help them best.

6. Encourage Chosen Connections
As a partner, it’s not expected that you be the one and only support person to your loved one. It’s not fair to them and it’s not healthy for you. Therefore, it’s recommended that you encourage your partner to develop additional healthy relationships, including some with parental figures if appropriate. By exploring and building their support network alongside them, your loved one will feel they have options without over-relying on any one person, including you. 

For Siblings
A strained relationship between parent and adult child can ripple out to siblings as well. Siblings may feel that they are caught in the middle, wanting to please both parties and maintain connection to both. Or they could feel pushed to choose sides, aligning with one and becoming estranged from the other as a natural consequence. Should you choose to walk the delicate line of maintaining relationships with both your parent and your sibling, here are some ideas to keep your boundaries healthy with both. 

1. Don’t Share What They Share
The urge to report back on what your parent is saying about your sibling is strong. However, this information can be very hurtful to your sibling, who is attempting to achieve a clean break from that relationship. Your disclosures can intentionally or unintentionally keep the trauma cycle alive by giving them a play-by-play of what your parent is saying. The reverse is also true, where you share what your sibling is saying or doing with a parent who is estranged. Not only does this keep the wounds raw for your parent, who is trying to grapple with feelings of abandonment and rejection within their family system; your sibling may feel betrayed by your sharing of information they believed was shared with you in confidence. 

2. Don’t Attack Their Character
When a sibling or parent attempts to vent to you about the estrangement, it’s not uncommon for them to want you as an ally. This is not an invitation to attack the character of the other party. Allow your loved one to vent without taking sides. It is also not your responsibility to defend either side or their choices that resulted in estrangement. 

3. Attempt to Remain Neutral
Recognizing that you may only see one piece of the puzzle in the conflict between parent and sibling, attempt to remain neutral around the details of the estrangement. Even if you were raised alongside your sibling and feel that you witnessed all the same events, trauma cements different memories for different people. Your experience is not their experience. Arguing or defending one perspective as the “true perspective” will result in further distance from your sibling if you aren’t careful. 

4. Reflect Their Emotions
Instead of getting caught up in the details, remain focused on your sibling’s emotions. By reflecting their hurt, anger, or outrage, you keep the focus on them and their needs rather than the details of the conflict. They may disclose a variety of emotions, all of which are valid. Acknowledge without attempting to minimize or negate their emotions. Statements such as “I can see how that hurt you,” or “I hear how painful this is for you,” can indicate that you are listening with compassion. 

5. Don’t Be a Mediator
It’s a delicate balance of empathy and compassion when listening to your sibling speak of the estrangement. You are at risk of triangulation in being connected to both your sibling and your parent, and you will want to avoid being the messenger between both parties. You may find yourself taking on the role of mediator in wanting them to reconcile. The desire to reconcile is yours to own. Avoid allowing hope to push you into the “fix- its” where you attempt to repair the relationship for them. 

6. Have Your Own Support
You are human and the desire to have an intact, healthy family is natural. However, watching your family members go through an estrangement can take its toll on you as well. Consider having your own support outside of your family. This could be a mentor, mental health professional, or friend who can re- main neutral to your circumstance while allowing you to speak of the estrangement’s impact on your life. A counselor or therapist can take this a step further by introducing new coping skills that allow you to understand and adapt to your current situation. 

For Friends and Community Members 

Friends, colleagues, mentors, and community members may also be looking for guidance on how to best support a person in their social sphere who is estranged. Consider the following dos and don’ts. 

DO 

1. Encourage new holiday traditions like Friends-giving in lieu of traditional Thanksgiving. 

2. Remain compassionate to triggers in conversations about family.

3. Respect their choice to be estranged.

4. Follow their lead on whether they want to talk about the
estrangement or not.

5. See them as a whole person, not just estrangement.

6. Listen when they choose to talk about their family.

7. Encourage healthy, supportive relationships with others.

DON’T 

  1. Push them to attend family gatherings that would make them feel unsafe.

  2. Argue with them to reconcile because “they might regret it!”

  3. Assume the reasons for their estrangement.

  4. Label them selfish, impulsive, or manipulative for choosing
    estrangement.

  5. Shame them because “family comes first.”

  6. Attack the character of their estranged parent, thinking it’s
    helpful.

  7. Expect them to reconcile when estrangement may be
    permanent.

Each estrangement comes from unique and personal circumstances for both adult child and parent. It can’t be emphasized enough how important it is to realize that the decision to be estranged isn’t an easy one to make. As a support person, attempt to set aside your own thoughts or opinions on the matter, in order to be fully present and compassionate for the person who has chosen estrangement in support of their own safety, survival, or mental health. Check your biases at the door and ask what would help them most in this moment. If you stumble and offend them, apologize. You are human first and can make mistakes. Pay attention to their body language and ask for feedback on how you can remain a valued support to them in this difficult process. By being genuinely caring and curious about their experience, you are conveying an important message of connection in an otherwise stigmatized existence of estrangement. 

The Effects of Estrangement on Adult Children

What if I told you that the experience of estrangement often feels like someone has died? At least initially. It’s not an easy decision for adult children who estrange from their parents (as one example) and experts have discovered that the grief and loss response to estrangement is similar to our anguish or pain response when someone we love dies. Dr. Kylie Agllias (2016) recognizes that “estrangement is a particularly difficult loss to accept because it has no predetermined outcomes or end points.” Within her research, Agllias (2016) describes a grief response to estrangement where a person is mourning someone as if they have died, which can feel painfully accurate when permanent estrangement occurs and reconciliation isn’t an option.

Symptoms of Estrangement

Even with personal agency to end a relationship through their choice to estrange, many adult children can’t predict the significant reactions and emotions that will arise with their decision, resulting in feeling a sense of shock when they are fully immersed in it. They struggle with grief and loss symptoms, some of which include:

● Sadness

● Anger

● Shock

● Helplessness

● Shame

● Guilt

● Loss of identity

● Feelings of blame

● Feelings of failure

● Social avoidance

The estranged adult child may report strain and mistrust in other relationships due to the circumstances of their estrangement. They may report difficulty trusting others or leaning significantly on their partner or other family members to prove that estrangement is not the fate of all their family relationships. An adult child may report symptoms of anxiety or trauma responses, such as:

● Muscle tension

● Headaches

● Hypervigilance

● Sleep disturbance

● Difficulty controlling thoughts

● Avoidance

● Rumination on all that happened prior to estrangement

● Flashbacks

With prolonged symptoms and repeat triggers for grief, the stress of the relationship rupture can result in chronic stress symptoms for some adult children, especially women including:

● Hair loss

● Weight gain

● Inflammation

● Moodiness

● Elevated cortisol levels

● Adrenal fatigue

● Thyroid conditions

● Sleep disruption

● Water retention

● Brain fog

● Headaches

● Fatigue

It’s not hard to imagine how reporting these symptoms to a medical doctor could lead to a diagnosis of anxiety, depression, or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). However, are we missing the mark in not asking about relationships and their contribution to an individual’s symptoms? It could generate a clearer clinical picture to ask a client or patient to describe their current relationships by asking questions like, “How are your relationships right now? Who are you closest to in your family? Who do you rely on for support?” By asking several questions about family dynamics and relationships, professional helpers begin to explore the physical, emotional, and relational impact of estrangement on an adult child’s mental health presentation when seeking support or starting therapy. 

It’s important to emphasize that not all symptoms listed above have to be present, nor do they have to be severe or long-lasting. Some folks will have the symptoms they experience from estrangement lessen over time, similar to other grief and loss experiences where symptom intensity may be reduced with time and space. Some healing happens in a process we’ve named the Estrangement Energy Cycle.

The Estrangement Energy Cycle

The Estrangement Energy Cycle starts with a pattern or cycle of abuse. This may be the culmination of various attachment traumas from childhood that were not acknowledged or addressed by a parent, or it can be a series of events that have happened more recently in the adult child’s life.

After gaining awareness about an abuse cycle, an adult child can move into a stage of questioning. This can reflect their ambivalence about the parent-child relationship, including questioning their own part in it not feeling healthy or good enough. This stage can also represent an adult child wondering if they try harder or communicate more effectively, maybe they can get through to their parent.

If an adult child determines that the cycle of abuse and dynamics within the parent-child relationship are damaging to their health, they may then move into relationship rupture. This is a painful stage where the processing of the abuse and the implications for how it’s shaping the adult child’s life in the present cannot be unseen or ignored any longer. Typically an internal process where they recognize the impact of abuse, they may have epiphanies about poor boundaries and people-pleasing, or identify a connection between their quest for perfection and seeking approval and love from a parent. Relationship rupture can also occur from an additional event of hurt or violation from the parent in question, that pushes the adult child from contemplation to preparation for estrangement in wanting the repeated abuse to end. 

From a painful relationship rupture comes the active choice to become estranged. The choice is a challenging one, resulting in a move toward grief and loss. The grief and loss stage includes finding space for the adult child’s emotions and self-doubt about their relationship with their parent. After extensive grief and loss work, an adult child can move to discovering a new sense of self. How will they define themselves now that estrangement from their parent has occurred? What will other relationships look like with healthy boundaries in place? An adult child may seek new communities of connection and new hobbies or interests in feeling unburdened from the unhealthy relationship or repeated conflict with their parent. 

The deeper work comes with the support of others, whether it be a spiritual congregation, wellness-focused community, or engaging in ongoing mental health therapy. An adult child may recognize that they’ve done all they can on their own to heal from this estrangement, but find they need additional support and guidance to continue the work. The final stage of the Estrangement Energy Cycle is redefining self- worth. Through hard work, reflection, and developing healthy relationships with others, an adult child can begin to regain self-worth separate from their parent. This may be finding the bandwidth to set boundaries with others, challenging people-pleasing urges, and practicing saying no, as just a few examples.

Each adult child’s journey is different in how they heal from estrangement, however we have some ideas from the clients we’ve served in therapy for the last twelve years. Check out our book Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships: Guiding the Adult Daughter’s Healing Journey through the Estrangement Energy Cycle and access all our therapeutic tools for adult daughters available for download at estrangementenergycycle.com.

What is the Estrangement Energy Cycle for Adult Daughters Estranged from their Mothers?

Would it surprise you to know that 1 in 12 people is estranged from at least one family member (Agllias, 2016)? With estrangement on the rise, further exploration is needed to best understand the complexities that contribute to making estrangement possible in families. As a mental health professional, I first wrote about estrangement and adult daughters in 2020, asking my therapist colleagues if they too were seeing a pattern in women who were contemplating estrangement from a parent in their clinical work. From that blog, I felt called to take a deeper dive into the cycle of events adult daughters may experience when considering mother-daughter estrangement, a cycle I came to call Estrangement Energy.

There are various stages a daughter may work through by herself or within therapy as she explores her relationship with her mother. Let’s take Gina* as one example. Gina sought out therapy for processing her divorce, expressing interest in grief and loss work as well as reporting feelings of depression and failure when attempting to meet her children’s needs. As Gina moved towards deeper work on her relationships, she began to question why she allowed multiple people in her life to exert power and control over her. She discovered that the start of this relational pattern resided with her mother.

Cycle of Abuse

Gina engaged in a personal narrative that helped her to recognize her mother’s behaviors as physically and verbally abusive. She had learned to cope with her mother’s volatile mood swings by reading her body language, voice, and mannerisms to best determine if she should engage her mom or go hide in her room until the emotional storm blew over. 

Questioning

Having made the connection between an unpredictable and oftentimes unsafe childhood and her honed skill of reading others’ moods, Gina uncovered suppressed feelings of anger and outrage at her mother’s behavior. She began to question her current relationship with her mother and the long term effects it was having on her mental health.

 

Relationship Rupture

Gina wanted to talk to her mother further about her childhood and the impact on her life, yet every time she attempted to share her memories and feelings about events, her mother told Gina she was exaggerating and remembered things wrong.

 

Estrangement

Feeling devastated and minimized, Gina determined that she needed some distance from her mother. She started by reducing the amount of time she spent with her, claiming her work and her daughters kept her busy, which were partly true.

 

Grief and Loss

As the contact between Gina and her mother dwindled, Gina felt a mix of sadness and relief. On one hand, she felt she had more time and energy to give to people in her life who valued and appreciated her. But on the other hand, Gina was grieving the loss of the mother she wanted and needed—one who could respect her and love her unconditionally.

Discovering Sense of Self

Amidst her grief, Gina found herself seeking new experiences that left her feeling vibrant and alive.

 

Deeper Work

As Gina began to discover herself and her identity without mom, she found she still struggled with the idea of dating and intimate partner relationships. Her latest therapeutic goal was to address underlying fears of intimacy and connectedness, which resulted in uncovering negative core beliefs of being unworthy, unlovable, and not enough.

 

Redefining Self-Worth

Gina’s therapeutic journey left her feeling stronger and more present that she had in the past. She celebrated having stability at work and solid relationships with her friends. Gina took her role as a mother seriously, wanting something completely different for her daughters than what she’d had with her own mother.

Each client’s story is unique, and yet Gina’s story is one inspired by multiple clients seeking therapy at a critical point in their relationships with their mothers. Estrangement is a challenging and emotional choice that oftentimes leads to an adult daughter seeking therapy for additional support. Whether her goal is reconciliation with mother or full estrangement, having a solid understanding of the estrangement process and stages, as well as tools that can support her on her journey supports each woman in doing this deep and oftentimes difficult work.

For more on mother-daughter estrangement and the Estrangement Energy Cycle, check out our book Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships: Guiding the Adult Daughter’s Healing Journey through the Estrangement Energy Cycle and access all our therapeutic tools available for download at estrangementenergycycle.com. 

Understanding Rupture in Mother-Daughter Relationships: Gina's Journey through the Estrangement Energy Cycle

Would it surprise you to know that 1 in 12 people is estranged from at least one family member (Agllias, 2016)? With estrangement on the rise, further exploration is needed to best understand the complexities that contribute to making estrangement possible in families. As a mental health professional, I first wrote about estrangement and adult daughters in 2020, asking my therapist colleagues if they too were seeing a pattern in women who were contemplating estrangement from a parent in their clinical work. From that blog, I felt called to take a deeper dive into the cycle of events that can lead to mother-daughter estrangement, a cycle I came to call Estrangement Energy.

(C) Croswaite Counseling, PLLC 2022-Present

 

There are various stages a daughter may work through in individual therapy as she explores her relationship with her mother. Let’s take Gina* as one example. Gina sought out therapy for processing her divorce, expressing interest in grief and loss work as well as reporting feelings of depression and failure when attempting to meet her children’s needs. As Gina moved towards deeper work on her relationships, she began to question why she allowed multiple people in her life to exert power and control over her. She discovered that the start of this relational pattern resided with her mother.

 

Cycle of Abuse

 

Gina engaged in a personal narrative that helped her to recognize her mother’s behaviors as physically and verbally abusive. She had learned to cope with her mother’s volatile mood swings by reading her body language, voice, and mannerisms to best determine if she should engage her mom or go hide in her room until the emotional storm blew over.

 

Questioning

 

Having made the connection between an unpredictable and oftentimes unsafe childhood and her honed skill of reading others’ moods, Gina uncovered suppressed feelings of anger and outrage at her mother’s behavior. She began to question her current relationship with her mother and the long term effects it was having on her mental health.

 

Relationship Rupture

 

Gina wanted to talk to her mother further about her childhood and the impact on her life, yet every time she attempted to share her memories and feelings about events, her mother told Gina she was exaggerating and remembered things wrong.

 

Estrangement

 

Feeling devastated and minimized, Gina determined that she needed some distance from her mother. She started by reducing the amount of time she spent with her, claiming her work and her daughters kept her busy, which were partly true.

 

Grief and Loss

 

As the contact between Gina and her mother dwindled, Gina felt a mix of sadness and relief. On one hand, she felt she had more time and energy to give to people in her life who valued and appreciated her. But on the other hand, Gina was grieving the loss of the mother she wanted and needed—one who could respect her and love her unconditionally.

 

Discovering Sense of Self

 

Amidst her grief, Gina found herself seeking new experiences that left her feeling vibrant and alive.

 

Deeper Work

 

As Gina began to discover herself and her identity without mom, she found she still struggled with the idea of dating and intimate partner relationships. Her latest therapeutic goal was to address underlying fears of intimacy and connectedness, which resulted in uncovering negative core beliefs of being unworthy, unlovable, and not enough.

 

Redefining Self-Worth

 

Gina’s therapeutic journey left her feeling stronger and more present that she had in the past. She celebrated having stability at work and solid relationships with her friends. Gina took her role as a mother seriously, wanting something completely different for her daughters than what she’d had with her own mother.

 

 

Each client’s story is unique, and yet Gina’s story is one inspired by multiple clients seeking therapy at a critical point in their relationships with their mothers. Estrangement is a challenging and emotional choice that oftentimes leads to an adult daughter seeking therapy for additional support. Whether her goal is reconciliation with mother or full estrangement, having a solid clinical understanding of the estrangement process and stages, as well as tools you can introduce to support your client along their journey, can help the therapy space remain a safe space to do this deep and difficult work.

 

For more on how to support your clients with their estrangement journey, check out Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships: Guiding the Adult Daughter’s Healing Journey through the Estrangement Energy Cycle launching July 1, 2023 and access all our clinical tools available for download at estrangementenergycycle.com.