The Effects of Estrangement on Adult Children

What if I told you that the experience of estrangement often feels like someone has died? At least initially. It’s not an easy decision for adult children who estrange from their parents (as one example) and experts have discovered that the grief and loss response to estrangement is similar to our anguish or pain response when someone we love dies. Dr. Kylie Agllias (2016) recognizes that “estrangement is a particularly difficult loss to accept because it has no predetermined outcomes or end points.” Within her research, Agllias (2016) describes a grief response to estrangement where a person is mourning someone as if they have died, which can feel painfully accurate when permanent estrangement occurs and reconciliation isn’t an option.

Symptoms of Estrangement

Even with personal agency to end a relationship through their choice to estrange, many adult children can’t predict the significant reactions and emotions that will arise with their decision, resulting in feeling a sense of shock when they are fully immersed in it. They struggle with grief and loss symptoms, some of which include:

● Sadness

● Anger

● Shock

● Helplessness

● Shame

● Guilt

● Loss of identity

● Feelings of blame

● Feelings of failure

● Social avoidance

The estranged adult child may report strain and mistrust in other relationships due to the circumstances of their estrangement. They may report difficulty trusting others or leaning significantly on their partner or other family members to prove that estrangement is not the fate of all their family relationships. An adult child may report symptoms of anxiety or trauma responses, such as:

● Muscle tension

● Headaches

● Hypervigilance

● Sleep disturbance

● Difficulty controlling thoughts

● Avoidance

● Rumination on all that happened prior to estrangement

● Flashbacks

With prolonged symptoms and repeat triggers for grief, the stress of the relationship rupture can result in chronic stress symptoms for some adult children, especially women including:

● Hair loss

● Weight gain

● Inflammation

● Moodiness

● Elevated cortisol levels

● Adrenal fatigue

● Thyroid conditions

● Sleep disruption

● Water retention

● Brain fog

● Headaches

● Fatigue

It’s not hard to imagine how reporting these symptoms to a medical doctor could lead to a diagnosis of anxiety, depression, or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). However, are we missing the mark in not asking about relationships and their contribution to an individual’s symptoms? It could generate a clearer clinical picture to ask a client or patient to describe their current relationships by asking questions like, “How are your relationships right now? Who are you closest to in your family? Who do you rely on for support?” By asking several questions about family dynamics and relationships, professional helpers begin to explore the physical, emotional, and relational impact of estrangement on an adult child’s mental health presentation when seeking support or starting therapy. 

It’s important to emphasize that not all symptoms listed above have to be present, nor do they have to be severe or long-lasting. Some folks will have the symptoms they experience from estrangement lessen over time, similar to other grief and loss experiences where symptom intensity may be reduced with time and space. Some healing happens in a process we’ve named the Estrangement Energy Cycle.

The Estrangement Energy Cycle

The Estrangement Energy Cycle starts with a pattern or cycle of abuse. This may be the culmination of various attachment traumas from childhood that were not acknowledged or addressed by a parent, or it can be a series of events that have happened more recently in the adult child’s life.

After gaining awareness about an abuse cycle, an adult child can move into a stage of questioning. This can reflect their ambivalence about the parent-child relationship, including questioning their own part in it not feeling healthy or good enough. This stage can also represent an adult child wondering if they try harder or communicate more effectively, maybe they can get through to their parent.

If an adult child determines that the cycle of abuse and dynamics within the parent-child relationship are damaging to their health, they may then move into relationship rupture. This is a painful stage where the processing of the abuse and the implications for how it’s shaping the adult child’s life in the present cannot be unseen or ignored any longer. Typically an internal process where they recognize the impact of abuse, they may have epiphanies about poor boundaries and people-pleasing, or identify a connection between their quest for perfection and seeking approval and love from a parent. Relationship rupture can also occur from an additional event of hurt or violation from the parent in question, that pushes the adult child from contemplation to preparation for estrangement in wanting the repeated abuse to end. 

From a painful relationship rupture comes the active choice to become estranged. The choice is a challenging one, resulting in a move toward grief and loss. The grief and loss stage includes finding space for the adult child’s emotions and self-doubt about their relationship with their parent. After extensive grief and loss work, an adult child can move to discovering a new sense of self. How will they define themselves now that estrangement from their parent has occurred? What will other relationships look like with healthy boundaries in place? An adult child may seek new communities of connection and new hobbies or interests in feeling unburdened from the unhealthy relationship or repeated conflict with their parent. 

The deeper work comes with the support of others, whether it be a spiritual congregation, wellness-focused community, or engaging in ongoing mental health therapy. An adult child may recognize that they’ve done all they can on their own to heal from this estrangement, but find they need additional support and guidance to continue the work. The final stage of the Estrangement Energy Cycle is redefining self- worth. Through hard work, reflection, and developing healthy relationships with others, an adult child can begin to regain self-worth separate from their parent. This may be finding the bandwidth to set boundaries with others, challenging people-pleasing urges, and practicing saying no, as just a few examples.

Each adult child’s journey is different in how they heal from estrangement, however we have some ideas from the clients we’ve served in therapy for the last twelve years. Check out our book Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships: Guiding the Adult Daughter’s Healing Journey through the Estrangement Energy Cycle and access all our therapeutic tools for adult daughters available for download at estrangementenergycycle.com.

The Human in the Helper: I’ve had it happen twice

Caitlin loves her job and it shows. She works with youth involved in the juvenile justice system and has loved that system for over 15 years. It’s a career choice not many colleagues would commit to, especially when working with a population that assumes greater risks of loss, compassion fatigue, and vicarious trauma. Even though she finds her work rewarding, Caitlin has also experienced every Adverse Psychological Event (APE) known within our field, including the not often talked about ones, like client violence directed towards others. “I had two clients murder people in the community.”

Caitlin is willing to share her story to help others while also acknowledging how difficult it can be. “I had four deaths in an 18 month span,” she recalls. For her two clients who killed people, these tragedies happened after they had closed out of services. “The support I received around this happening was different because they weren’t active clients.” Caitlin reflected on how the support was minimal in supervision and consultation because of the clients not being active on her caseload. She named how it felt like leadership was relieved to not have to staff these cases, and redirected her to focus on her current caseload of at-risk kids. She heard messages like, ‘It sucks that that happened. What are you doing for your current suicidal kids?’

Although Caitlin understood the focus of leadership on current clients, this messaging didn’t help her healing process as a person. She found herself questioning if she’d done enough for her clients. If there was something she missed. And then there was the grief. “I was surprised that I felt so much grief for the kids who engaged in violence. I thought things must have been pretty bad for them to do this.” Caitlin’s compassion confused colleagues, who did not hold compassion for her former clients at all, instead labeling them murderers and engaging in black and white thinking. “They are still traumatized kids,” Caitlin named.

A trauma lens helps Caitlin remain in this work with her clients, as well as her abundant compassion for what her clients have been through.  Even so, the losses still took a toll on her. She felt acute symptoms of grief in the first month, with flare ups anytime she saw her former clients in the news for their trials or sentencing. She had recurring nightmares with her clients in them. “They were always calling out for help. Someone had to help them.” What helped Caitlin most was having one colleague who understood what she was going through, because they worked with the same population. “One time I came into her office and cried,” Caitlin shared. “My mentor said, ‘Caitlin, you are working with people through some of the darkest moments of their lives. That doesn’t always mean they come out of the darkness by following your light.’”

Caitlin reflects on the importance of having a colleague or mentor who can hold this heaviness with us. Someone who aligns with our beliefs and gives us space to heal. Someone who supports the ugly cries and the dark humor. Someone who reinforces we aren’t alone. She also encourages colleagues to do their own psychological first aid, making sure to eat, sleep, and move their bodies. “You will want to freeze. Honor all your feelings. You will experience every stage of grief.” Caitlin doesn’t have any plans to pivot from this population because she operates from a belief that what we do as mental health professionals still matters. “For every horrible thing that happens, there are 10-20 that don’t end up that way. Those horrible things are still the minority.” Caitlin’s story provides a beacon of hope in light of something that feels so heavy and so powerless. We feel honored to be able to share her messages here.

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

The Human in the Helper: I don't blame him

Rose is no stranger to grief. She’s experienced several losses in her lifetime and even specializes in death as a counselor. Helping others navigate loss fuels her professional purpose, and yet she recognizes it’s a whole different experience to go through a significant loss yourself. “My daughter Layla was killed on her skateboard in the crosswalk.” This tragedy catapulted Rose into a shock response. “Everything comes to a halt, until you come out of it or ask for help.”

Rose began her quest for receiving help by reaching out to other therapists. “I knew I needed to process what happened.” She reflected on how others had problematic, and oftentimes hurtful responses to grief. Messages of grief being messy and an urge to get through it as fast as possible. An alarming message of hurry up and get over it. Rose understands grief differently. “Pushing grief down or attempting to get over it leads to it expressing in other ways, most often as flare ups.” She spoke to how buying something at the grocery store can leave a person in tears when they realize their loved one enjoyed that food. Or seeing someone spiral out when hearing food ordered at a restaurant in the exact same way as the person who’s died. 

Rose recognizes that her grief is hers to process in ways that feel right to her. “I couldn’t find a therapist who wanted to help me with this. Several of them said it was too heavy.” So she pivoted into doing her own work individually, and with the help of a close friend willing to be her witness. “Find yourself a friend who can hear it. They don’t need to understand your experience or give advice, they just have to acknowledge they received it.” For Rose, this meant sharing what was coming up for her in text messages to her friend to prevent a flare up. It helped her stay grounded in the most difficult moments after Layla’s death.

Another piece of Rose’s healing process was giving herself a break from her grief. “I told myself that I was going to set it aside to work from 10-2 every day. Then I’d fall apart at 215.” This allowed Rose the opportunity to rest her brain, embrace meaning with her clients, and take a break from the grief of losing Layla. It gave her a sense of power and control in a powerless situation. Rose encourages others to find a counselor who doesn’t take on their symptoms as the client. She explained how it allows the professional to hold space for the work without taking on the emotions associated with the loss. “It’s mine to handle,” she shared, “I’ve got to find hope in the hurt.”

Rose also emphasized how she wants to think of Layla and talk about her every day. “I want to live in the love of her, not the loss. Just because she’s gone, doesn’t mean our love is gone.” Rose embodies this by seeing different perspectives of loss with tons of compassion. “Things happen to everyone involved. I just had to change my glasses to see things from their perspective.” Rose shared how the person who hit Layla in the crosswalk was a peer at school. “I don’t blame him, I could see that it was an accident. Layla wouldn’t have wanted him to stop his life because this happened.” Rose recounts how she took this young man’s hand and walked with him into the crosswalk, so he could truly understand how he couldn’t have seen Layla crossing that day. It’s the gift she gave him in a situation that was awful for so many. “A whole school was affected,” Rose reflected.

Now Rose is even more determined to help others with their grief. She wants clients and community members to feel empowered to take their time and try things until they find what’s right for them. She named that not everyone is going to go through the five stages of grief, and not in any particular order if they do. Rose wants to normalize the grief journey and feels called to  create support since her own journey of seeking support had been so challenging. She’s channeling her experience into her client work, wanting others to feel free of the clutches of grief. “I want to help others find hope in the hurt. Layla’s love fuels everything I do.”

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

The Human in the Helper: You don’t have to be a rockstar clinician every day

Tim has a calming presence for both his clients in private practice and for his students as a dedicated professor. He’s known for giving students and supervisees grace, affirming that perfectionism isn’t the goal of their learning. Tim says this philosophy comes from his own lived experience with difficult choices, specifically decisions involving his therapy business and his home life in an effort to find balance during moments of grief and loss. “My dad had cancer and was placed on hospice. I was gone from home for three months,” he describes. Thankfully, Tim had already moved his practice to 100% telehealth months earlier when the COVID-19 pandemic had shut everything down, which allowed him to see his clients remotely from another state. “Going to work was a nice break from what was happening with my dad. It was nice to feel in control of something, to remove myself for a break and go to work.”

Although Tim was able to see clients remotely, he made the choice to refer several newer clients to colleagues, knowing he couldn’t give them his best during that difficult time. “I’m grateful for my network, to make this handoff to other specialists that could serve the clients best.” He also worked with several colleagues to take his clients for a month for bereavement after his dad’s passing. “It was really hard. I wish I’d focused on my coping and how difficult it was to see him decline. I wish I had taken off a little sooner.” Tim describes a struggle with wanting to be there for his clients while also taking care of himself. “I don’t think clients got my best at the end. Yet I tell others, including my students, that you don’t have to be a rockstar clinician every day.”

Coping during his loss involved remaining connected to his wife who had stayed at home. “I wanted to call her everyday but not use her to vent every day.” Tim has ideas for fellow therapists who are going through a significant loss. “Use your rolodex. Call a friend and vent. Don’t isolate.” He shared how calling a new friend each night helped him through, without putting too much pressure on his wife as his primary support. “Therapists are used to being the listeners so they don’t always ask for help, which can lead to burnout.”

Tim also talked about the risks of burnout coming from the loss of income when having to reduce a caseload or close business temporarily. “I wish I’d known about business insurance that would pay for when we can’t work.” He named the importance of having some money for emergencies, which echoes some of my work as a Financial Therapist. Most importantly, Tim reflected on the boundaries he needed with clients to avoid burnout. “Clients knew what was going on, but I was very careful to keep the hour focused on them.” He says this is important because he works with a lot of middle-aged clients who have significant responsibilities. When they tried to focus on Tim, he’d reassure and redirect clients by saying, “this is your hour where you don’t have to care for someone else.” 

Tim’s practice is healthy and rewarding today. He and his wife are making plans with the intention of taking time off to travel each year and he continues to teach and supervisee therapists-in-training. When asked what his key takeaway has been from his experience of pausing his business in support of his dad and for grief and loss healing, he said “if you can do this, you can do anything.” His thoughts sound in alignment with post-traumatic growth, which makes sense for folks who experience such a life-changing event like this one.

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!