The Human in the Helper: I don't blame him

Rose is no stranger to grief. She’s experienced several losses in her lifetime and even specializes in death as a counselor. Helping others navigate loss fuels her professional purpose, and yet she recognizes it’s a whole different experience to go through a significant loss yourself. “My daughter Layla was killed on her skateboard in the crosswalk.” This tragedy catapulted Rose into a shock response. “Everything comes to a halt, until you come out of it or ask for help.”

Rose began her quest for receiving help by reaching out to other therapists. “I knew I needed to process what happened.” She reflected on how others had problematic, and oftentimes hurtful responses to grief. Messages of grief being messy and an urge to get through it as fast as possible. An alarming message of hurry up and get over it. Rose understands grief differently. “Pushing grief down or attempting to get over it leads to it expressing in other ways, most often as flare ups.” She spoke to how buying something at the grocery store can leave a person in tears when they realize their loved one enjoyed that food. Or seeing someone spiral out when hearing food ordered at a restaurant in the exact same way as the person who’s died. 

Rose recognizes that her grief is hers to process in ways that feel right to her. “I couldn’t find a therapist who wanted to help me with this. Several of them said it was too heavy.” So she pivoted into doing her own work individually, and with the help of a close friend willing to be her witness. “Find yourself a friend who can hear it. They don’t need to understand your experience or give advice, they just have to acknowledge they received it.” For Rose, this meant sharing what was coming up for her in text messages to her friend to prevent a flare up. It helped her stay grounded in the most difficult moments after Layla’s death.

Another piece of Rose’s healing process was giving herself a break from her grief. “I told myself that I was going to set it aside to work from 10-2 every day. Then I’d fall apart at 215.” This allowed Rose the opportunity to rest her brain, embrace meaning with her clients, and take a break from the grief of losing Layla. It gave her a sense of power and control in a powerless situation. Rose encourages others to find a counselor who doesn’t take on their symptoms as the client. She explained how it allows the professional to hold space for the work without taking on the emotions associated with the loss. “It’s mine to handle,” she shared, “I’ve got to find hope in the hurt.”

Rose also emphasized how she wants to think of Layla and talk about her every day. “I want to live in the love of her, not the loss. Just because she’s gone, doesn’t mean our love is gone.” Rose embodies this by seeing different perspectives of loss with tons of compassion. “Things happen to everyone involved. I just had to change my glasses to see things from their perspective.” Rose shared how the person who hit Layla in the crosswalk was a peer at school. “I don’t blame him, I could see that it was an accident. Layla wouldn’t have wanted him to stop his life because this happened.” Rose recounts how she took this young man’s hand and walked with him into the crosswalk, so he could truly understand how he couldn’t have seen Layla crossing that day. It’s the gift she gave him in a situation that was awful for so many. “A whole school was affected,” Rose reflected.

Now Rose is even more determined to help others with their grief. She wants clients and community members to feel empowered to take their time and try things until they find what’s right for them. She named that not everyone is going to go through the five stages of grief, and not in any particular order if they do. Rose wants to normalize the grief journey and feels called to  create support since her own journey of seeking support had been so challenging. She’s channeling her experience into her client work, wanting others to feel free of the clutches of grief. “I want to help others find hope in the hurt. Layla’s love fuels everything I do.”

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

The Human in the Helper: My lips were purple

Liliana loves to take her morning walks. She’s usually accompanied by her fluffy white dog, a loving companion as they take in the vast beauty Colorado has to offer on various trails. Yet the serenity and meditative quality of her walks was disrupted five months ago. “I got off the plane and was dizzy. I thought that they didn’t decompress the plane properly.“ Liliana described ignoring her body’s messages as she attempted to resume life at home after traveling. She felt tired but didn’t think anything of it, laying down after her meetings one day to take a nap. “My son took me to the hospital because my lips were purple and I was struggling to breathe in my sleep.”

Liliana collapsed in the Emergency Room, and was rushed into treatment and emergency surgery for a pulmonary embolism. “I can’t take this life for granted, I don’t know what could happen next.” That was three months ago. Liliana has since learned that her medical crisis didn’t have a clear cause, which adds to the frustration she feels for herself and her family. “I have to take things one day at a time. Some days I need to rest or I need oxygen. Other days I feel good.”

Although this event holds medical trauma Liliana is still working through, it isn’t her first medical crisis where she’s had to rework how she operates. Liliana was diagnosed with thyroid cancer while pregnant with her son. “I had been conditioned to push through, to go-go-go.” Now she says she’s changing up how she works for herself in private practice. “Everything goes around medical appointments or how I feel that day.”

When asked how she’s coping with this significant life change, Liliana shared she’s embraced her love of writing. “I write poetry. I take time to write. I had to write. It helps me tune into my body.” Liliana described a recent experience with a spa service where her body said no. “I told the technician that it was a no-go, and started to cry as soon as I was outside. I didn’t know why.” So Liliana went home to write. Her body remembered something and was attempting to protect her, even though her mind couldn’t remember. “I’d passed out, I couldn’t remember all that happened in the ER that day.”  Her doctors later filled her in, stating she’d had a near fatal experience.

Although medical trauma can be heavy, Liliana wants colleagues to know that they can adapt. “Have a plan and be prepared to pivot as well.” She’s doing this herself when scheduling speaking engagements, consultations, clients, or new supervisees. “I’m up front about having a medical condition that looks like a disability. I let them know there’s a possibility of a pivot if my body says no.” Liliana says her community has been understanding and flexible. She offers referrals to anyone who needs more consistency than she can offer right now at this time in her life.

“I’m embracing my humor,” she shared. “I’m taking in all these things I didn’t think I’d notice.” Liliana is describing her increased mindfulness and gratitude practice after her medical crisis. She named being able to walk, to work, to do what she loves as gifts in her life. She also identified an aspect of surrender into the unknown. Pivots and changes to her schedule can feel like a daily occurrence. Liliana is approaching life with immense gratitude and intentionality. We know others can do it too. Whether it’s found within client work or through daily walks in nature, anyone can adopt this mindfulness practice in support of their health and well-being. 

Liliana’s latest poetry, shared with permission.

 It’s hard…body.  by Liliana Baylon

It’s hard to listen to you, body. 

I was conditioned to ignore you. 

To not trust you. 

To rely on others to diagnose you. 

Yet, you keep insisting. 

And I keep pushing through. 

Have patience with me! 

Is hard work, what you are asking of me! 

I’m getting to know you, 

To learn from you, 

To lean on you, 

To be curious about you, 

To recognize what you are asking of me, 

To understand what you are feeling, 

To answer your call. 

Keep talking to me. Keep insisting, please! 

Teach me what I need to learn. 

Keep being patient with me. 

I’m learning from you. 

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share with the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about The Human in the Helper Series!

The Human in the Helper: This isn’t something essential oils are going to fix.

Gabrielle shows up as vibrant, friendly, and personable, which serves her well as a mental health leader and Licensed Clinical Social Worker. She’s made quite the name for herself as an entrepreneur and consultant serving therapists and professionals around burnout and burnout prevention. With her passion, beautiful tattoos, and love of Zumba, it’s hard to believe she’s already experienced significant professional burnout in her career.

“I woke up one day and hated it,” Gabrielle shared. “My clients were no longer my ideal clients. I didn’t have the boundaries I needed. I kept hearing my own voice in my head say, ‘this is how it is.” But Gabrielle found out that things could be different. She was venting about how tired she was to a colleague in another industry one day. Their response? Sell your practice. 

“I found myself fantasizing about selling, but with the number we came up with, it didn’t seem worth the work.” At least at first. Gabrielle spoke to how she’d entered the mental health industry while working three jobs, and was subscribing to the hustle and grind culture of being a Millennial. “I believed that the harder I worked, the better it would be.” Which lead to burnout. Gabrielle recalls how she worked a job where she and her colleagues were expected to work long hours, take their work computers home, and come in on Saturdays or Sundays to get caught up.

Gabrielle then moved into private practice, rapidly growing into a group practice serving a community in need. She acknowledged that she built her business fast with the same drive of previous jobs and hadn’t worked on all of her own stuff as a person and professional. “This is what business ownership is about,” she told herself when she felt it catching up to her. Then she got the call to sell her business. “I had to ask myself, what do I want my life to look like?”

Gabrielle is a trailblazer in the mental health community by challenging the assumptions that success means a full private-pay practice or group practice ownership. “I have no regrets, this is alignment with my values,” she said of selling her practice. When asked what she wants other therapists to know, she shared, “you can create your dream life! There are so many options.” She warned against comparison to colleagues or listening to the ‘shoulds.’ She named how therapists have set high expectations for themselves, saying “we didn’t talk about the risks of burnout in school.”

When reflecting on her current roles of being a business and burnout consultant, Gabrielle shared a story of how an old job asked for self-care tools to be donated to their self-care room for employees. “This isn’t something essential oils are going to fix.” We have to agree.

To learn more about Gabrielle and how she can help colleagues and professional communities heal from burnout, visit her website at https://gabriellejulianovillani.com/

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share with the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about The Human in the Helper Series!