The Human in the Helper: My lips were purple

Liliana loves to take her morning walks. She’s usually accompanied by her fluffy white dog, a loving companion as they take in the vast beauty Colorado has to offer on various trails. Yet the serenity and meditative quality of her walks was disrupted five months ago. “I got off the plane and was dizzy. I thought that they didn’t decompress the plane properly.“ Liliana described ignoring her body’s messages as she attempted to resume life at home after traveling. She felt tired but didn’t think anything of it, laying down after her meetings one day to take a nap. “My son took me to the hospital because my lips were purple and I was struggling to breathe in my sleep.”

Liliana collapsed in the Emergency Room, and was rushed into treatment and emergency surgery for a pulmonary embolism. “I can’t take this life for granted, I don’t know what could happen next.” That was three months ago. Liliana has since learned that her medical crisis didn’t have a clear cause, which adds to the frustration she feels for herself and her family. “I have to take things one day at a time. Some days I need to rest or I need oxygen. Other days I feel good.”

Although this event holds medical trauma Liliana is still working through, it isn’t her first medical crisis where she’s had to rework how she operates. Liliana was diagnosed with thyroid cancer while pregnant with her son. “I had been conditioned to push through, to go-go-go.” Now she says she’s changing up how she works for herself in private practice. “Everything goes around medical appointments or how I feel that day.”

When asked how she’s coping with this significant life change, Liliana shared she’s embraced her love of writing. “I write poetry. I take time to write. I had to write. It helps me tune into my body.” Liliana described a recent experience with a spa service where her body said no. “I told the technician that it was a no-go, and started to cry as soon as I was outside. I didn’t know why.” So Liliana went home to write. Her body remembered something and was attempting to protect her, even though her mind couldn’t remember. “I’d passed out, I couldn’t remember all that happened in the ER that day.”  Her doctors later filled her in, stating she’d had a near fatal experience.

Although medical trauma can be heavy, Liliana wants colleagues to know that they can adapt. “Have a plan and be prepared to pivot as well.” She’s doing this herself when scheduling speaking engagements, consultations, clients, or new supervisees. “I’m up front about having a medical condition that looks like a disability. I let them know there’s a possibility of a pivot if my body says no.” Liliana says her community has been understanding and flexible. She offers referrals to anyone who needs more consistency than she can offer right now at this time in her life.

“I’m embracing my humor,” she shared. “I’m taking in all these things I didn’t think I’d notice.” Liliana is describing her increased mindfulness and gratitude practice after her medical crisis. She named being able to walk, to work, to do what she loves as gifts in her life. She also identified an aspect of surrender into the unknown. Pivots and changes to her schedule can feel like a daily occurrence. Liliana is approaching life with immense gratitude and intentionality. We know others can do it too. Whether it’s found within client work or through daily walks in nature, anyone can adopt this mindfulness practice in support of their health and well-being. 

Liliana’s latest poetry, shared with permission.

 It’s hard…body.  by Liliana Baylon

It’s hard to listen to you, body. 

I was conditioned to ignore you. 

To not trust you. 

To rely on others to diagnose you. 

Yet, you keep insisting. 

And I keep pushing through. 

Have patience with me! 

Is hard work, what you are asking of me! 

I’m getting to know you, 

To learn from you, 

To lean on you, 

To be curious about you, 

To recognize what you are asking of me, 

To understand what you are feeling, 

To answer your call. 

Keep talking to me. Keep insisting, please! 

Teach me what I need to learn. 

Keep being patient with me. 

I’m learning from you. 

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share with the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about The Human in the Helper Series!

Some Workaholism Wins in Motherhood

Photo by Tamara Bellis on Unsplash

Let me be clear, workaholism is not the goal. In fact, workaholism was the reason for my professional burnout in 2016-2018 and very nearly a second round in 2020 in response to the uncertainty of the pandemic. Yet as I continue to reflect on how things have changed for me as a new mom with a now five month old, I find myself grateful for some of things that workaholism has taught me. Although stressful, painful and bad for my health, in some ways I feel workaholism prepared me for the challenges of being a mom! Here’s what I mean:

1)    Waking at 3am: Whether I found myself wide awake at 3am with a new creative, entrepreneurial idea or waking up at 3am to feed the baby, I’ve found that it hasn’t been nearly as painful to be awake at this early hour. It’s almost like my creative wakings were a rehearsal for the important job of handling odd hours as a mom.

2)    Embracing Flexibility: As a Type-A person, flexibility isn’t always my strong suit. But being an entrepreneur has taught me to be flexible, changing up routines and pivoting to add projects and ideas to keep my brain engaged. This same flexibility is something I had to call upon as a new mom who was learning her daughter’s wants and needs. Planned a lunch but the baby tells me it’s time to go home? I go! Wanted to watch a movie and got interrupted? We try again another time. Hoping to get some work done but she wakes early from her nap. We pivot! Flexibility is a must in motherhood.

3)    Setting up Systems: Workaholism for many is about fitting in lots of work projects and thinking about work 24/7. Although I don’t recommend this level of hustle for anyone, the constant mental energy directed towards my business led me to discover systems and tools to keep things running smoothly. Why does this matter? When on maternity leave, this allowed me the privilege of taking quality time with my baby and still having my business running, mostly without me. Without systems in place, this would have been a lot more stressful to manage on minimal hours of sleep.

On the flip side, what has motherhood taught me about workaholism?

4)    Downtime is Good: Taking time to rest, cuddle my baby, and take a nap are all good for creativity. It’s important to be bored and let our minds wander once in awhile. I felt my creativity coming back on maternity leave about halfway through and attribute it to downtime where the baby was sleeping on me and there was no work I wanted to do or could do. Enter new ideas and goals for the future!

5)    Work-Life Balance is Better: We all strive for work-life balance but how do we know if we’ve achieved it? I’ve been pleasantly surprised at my shift from working all the time to working enough to meet my business needs and nothing more. This allows me to have quality time with my baby while not adding too much financial stress. I couldn’t do this for myself in my burnout, but it’s been easy to do when thinking about how much I want to be there for my daughter.

6)    It’s a Different Flavor: Don’t get me wrong, like most moms, I don’t get the luxury of sitting around and doing nothing in working less hours with clients. The demanding work hours are still present, just a different flavor. It’s a flavor composed of meeting an infant’s needs and attempting to still get other functioning things done like laundry and emails. I’ve added to my stress plate in some ways, and taken away from it in others. It’s a balancing act that’s constantly evolving as my daughter grows.

Can you relate? Just a few musings on workaholism and motherhood. Although I don’t wish workaholism on anyone, I have found gratitude in my experience, including being thankful for the things it has taught me at this stage in my life. What has workaholism taught you? You too may find yourself pleasantly surprised at the unexpected gifts it reveals!

Self-Care Isn’t Always About Slowing Down

As a workaholic choosing balance on a daily basis, I know that if a stranger were to approach me tomorrow and say, “Khara, just slow down!” I’d politely acknowledge their suggestion without any desire to act on it. As a driven professional, I’ve heard this sentiment for years. From family, friends, and colleagues. Even briefly from my doctors. Yet like many of our clients, having someone suggest slowing down isn’t enough. Workaholics have to examine it, plan it, and justify it to avoid the resulting feelings of restlessness or guilt.

I saw a quote this week that said, “If you don’t make time for wellness, you’ll be forced to make time for illness.” Truth! To ignore the warning signs of burnout or write off self-care as frivolous isn’t an option. However, slowing down isn’t a comfortable option for driven professionals either, so what can we do?

I watched a respected colleague experience distress when exploring how to slow down her life. An extrovert and passionate business owner, she named that she had no desire to have unstructured weekends or embrace boredom. I can relate. I spoke to this in a previous blog called: What If Working Is Your Self-Care? My response to her distress was to share that self-care isn’t always about slowing down. It can be about pivoting and pouring our energy into something restorative and energizing instead. I watched her shoulders drop and a smile return to her face as she began exploring a new way to define her self-care strategy. Discovering what could support her in feeling restored without feeling bored.

People continue to think self-care is vacations, spa days, and bubble baths. All have an element of slowing down, which has value in certain situations. But what if we don’t like any of those things? What if these activities breed discomfort or resentment instead of joy? For workaholics and driven professionals, the abrupt change from 60 miles an hour productivity to full stop leaves them feeling like they’ve been hit by a truck.

It’s why I’ve talked in previous posts about redefining self-care as rest AND restoration. Maybe as a driven person, you like the idea of restoration more than rest. Maybe it fits your personality better, much like my colleague. Instead of binge watching a show and vegging out on the couch, maybe now you are walking in nature or cooking a nourishing meal. Perhaps you are painting or dancing or creating instead of embracing stillness. After all, a lot of entrepreneurs find stillness painful, worrying that it invites in stagnation. Moving and creating feel better to these folks.

So what would be on your self-care list if it wasn’t about slowing down? What would replace the naps, movie marathons, and pedicures if we wanted a self-care activity that was equally active and invigorating? Take that next step and watch how your work-life balance shifts for the better!

How to Stop Celebrating Noble Burnout

What if we’ve received messaging that we are only as good as what we do for others? This is a common core belief for helping professionals. Subconscious or not, it has the potential to increase risks of poor boundaries, workaholism, and burnout.

If we choose a profession built on caring, responding, and helping, we tend to carry the weight of being vigilant, responsive, and always “on.”  As we work harder to help others and meet work demands, we pay less attention to our own boundaries for self-care and that superhero cape stays on way too long.

It’s a phenomenon I like to call Noble Burnout. The cape starts to weigh us down as we run the risk of forgetting our own needs entirely, which results in burnout. Yet we are praised for our sacrifices and our worth remains defined in what we do for others. While the effort to help so many people is noble, it’s not sustainable as we neglect our own self-care needs. Even superheroes need a break.

Finding Balance Over Noble Burnout

1) Learn to Say No, More. I’ve heard it called “acting your wage.” Stop working for free when what you offer has value! Having some prepared phrases or responses can help you hold your boundaries and practice of saying no.

2) Improve Your Relationship with Money. Exploring your money messages will help you identify a healthier relationship with your finances as a professional. What if you think poorly of people who are rich or well-off? What if you worry about becoming Scrooge? These internal beliefs may prevent you from meeting your full financial potential because you worry about the impression you make on others. Healing your money story is an important piece to the Noble Burnout puzzle.

3) Remember Your Values. If you are working within your values, you’ll enjoy the rewards of fulfillment and purpose at work and home. If your values are absent, how can you bring them back into the equation? If our values are identified and prioritized, we can utilize them as a healthy gauge for wellness rather than misplaced fuel for the Noble Burnout fire.

4) Embrace Authenticity. You are a person first and professional helper second. This means being able to honor your needs and take break. Being human, having limits, and saying no are all allowed.

Together we can stop subscribing to Noble Burnout as helping professionals and as a community! Just imagine what we could accomplish if we weren’t celebrating self-sacrifice and instead chose to celebrate self-care.

What if Working is Your Self-Care?

I was bonding with other powerhouse business women in a working retreat recently and was asked to facilitate a goal-setting exercise. What do we want to accomplish in the next six months and how can we help one another achieve these goals? I’d had them narrow it down. Brainstorm. Prioritize. Share. Ask for help.

Then it was my turn. I jumped in with enthusiasm, rattling off my goals of book sales, the Amazon best-seller list, and a TED Talk. I was excited to share! To manifest, to make it more real. And then came the question. “Khara,” one of my colleagues said, “that sounds great. But, what’s the end goal?” I felt my excitement wheeze and deflate like an untied balloon. I felt confused, unsure, and started to sweat. Why couldn’t I come up with an answer for her? An answer for myself? I knew in my heart that I didn’t want to retire early and not have work. Working gives me a sense of direction. Work gives me purpose. More specifically, creating gives me purpose. And yet I didn’t know the end-result. Through a constricted throat, I claimed I’d have to get back to her, finding my mind going blank.

Soon after the retreat, she texted me. “Khara, I owe you an apology. My question to you was flawed from the beginning. It was a projection of societal expectations that there has to be a particular outcome more than just enjoying the process. Enjoying the process might be the point and that is actually really beautiful.” She proceeded to send me this quote:

“The fruits of a fulfilling life—happiness, confidence, enthusiasm, purpose, and money—are mainly the by-products of doing something we enjoy, with excellence, rather than the things we can seek directly.”    --Dan Miller

The tightness in my chest loosened, the panic of not having an answer and worrying about not having an answer, lifted. I felt seen. It lead me to a question of, “what if working is my self-care?” What if working is yours?

They say “if you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.” That may be true for some, but it’s also one of the villains we blame for our current workaholic culture. Doing what we love is a privilege. Does the work invigorate you? Inspire you? Feed your soul?

I can tell you that creating for me brings feelings of happiness and joy. It’s as close as I get to contentment in knowing I’m producing things of value. I can also tell you that to the outside world, I’m churning things out at a breakneck speed. A speed which others might find unhealthy, believing I subscribe to workaholic culture, I am workaholic culture, and that I need to take it down a notch. That I’m steamrolling instead of stopping to smell the roses. They assume I don’t get enough sleep.

There’s a sweet spot for functioning in a productivity loop. For those creatives out there, you get it. We get ideas in the shower, while driving, and at 4am out of blue. We feel a rush to put our ideas into motion, creating something that can have a positive impact for ourselves and others. We do in fact maintain enough sleep to get to good ideas, the ahas that inspire action. So to tell us to slow down, stop our work, or accuse us of poor self-care is missing the mark. It’s once again operating from the flawed lens of society. The all or nothing thinking. Society which demands answers to the question, what’s the end goal? Why do it? What’s the point? Why?

Simon Sinek said it best when he said start with your why. If you embrace it, the rest will fall into place. If our why as women entrepreneurs is to make an impact and a meaningful difference in the world through our products and leadership, we can do that. We can work and have it be meaningful, fulfilling, and consider aspects of it as part of our self-care.

Self-care has been commercialized, having us thinking of vacations, massages, and manicures. In previous talks, I’ve invited others to redefine self-care as rest versus restoration. Rest is easy to measure. Taking brain breaks, vegging out, getting enough sleep. But what feels so enticing for creative entrepreneurs is restoration. What energizes you, invigorates you, inspires you? From this lens, it’s not surprising that parts of our business can restore us. Creativity. Leadership. Integrity and Purpose.

Adam Grant highlights the importance of creativity in the workplace by showing that employees who had 20% of their work hours carved out for creativity were more productive, were responsible for some of the latest innovations to change the world, and were more emotionally invested in their workplace. Does this not sound like a great recipe for burnout prevention and challenging our workaholic culture?

I’m asking you to change your beliefs about the churn. Creativity and enjoying the process in your work can be self-care. Creativity at work serves the dual purpose of encouraging feelings of productivity and contentment. Working may not be rest but it can be restorative. Therefore it can be part of your self-care practice. Do something you enjoy with excellence, and the fruits of a fulfilling life will follow.

From Workaholic to Well-Balanced in COVID

These strategies are for you if:

1) Work has become your first priority over family, relationships, self-care, or social activities

2) You’ve have a hard time saying no to more projects, more time, or more opportunities

3) You’ve canceled social plans because of having to work more or work late

4) You’ve been working weekends or late into the evening in an attempt to get ahead

5) You’ve checked your emails compulsively when feeling bored

6) You’ve felt guilty or restless when experiencing down time

7) You’ve worked while on vacation

8) Your sleep is disrupted by anxiety or worry about your business

9) You’ve taken on more in wanting to feel stable financially

10) When people ask how you are, you’ve said "busy."

Do you worry that you are a workaholic? Studies indicate an increase in work addiction or workaholism thanks to COVID restricting our after work activities and lifestyles. Let’s take a deeper dive into how things have shifted.

COVID has challenged our boundaries in the following areas:

·      Work

·      Family

·      Finances

COVID is responsible for symptoms like:

·      Poor work-life separation

·      Sleep disruption

·      Loss of energy and increased fatigue

·      Loss of creativity

·      Increased workaholism

·      Increased stress (scarcity and uncertainty)

·      Limited opportunities for connection

·      Isolation and loneliness

·      Relationship conflict

·      Shorter fuse and increased irritability

·      Brain fog and inattention

·      Escapism

Can you relate? Let’s take a closer look at each sphere that’s been challenged by COVID and what we can do about it.

At Work

Let’s start with the Work Sphere since we are talking about Workaholism. Workaholism can be defined as an addiction to work where work feels like the top priority and there is guilt or anxiety when not working. It also describes serious struggles with work-life separation.

So where is the link between COVID and workaholism?

-Even less work-life separation in working from home

-Increased workaholism in not having after-work activities available

-Loss of creativity in feeling stuck

-Brain fog and inattention

So even though we are working more than ever, people are describing a decline in productivity! Let’s look at some ways to improve your experiences at work.

Work Exercises

1) Set Boundaries

Schedule your lunches, your breaks, your do-no-disturb phone settings at night and on weekends. Your best friend in battling workaholism? The schedule email feature! Even when you have a thought, don’t send an email, schedule it! Model good boundaries for others by having those emails populate on a work day, even if your creativity hits you on weekends or odd hours!

2) Set Rituals to Leave Work at Work.

This may seem harder in not having the commute from your office to your home but it is an opportunity for creativity. Are you powering down your computer? Changing your clothes? Separating work from home by moving to another space? Do you restrict the space you work in rather than having it bleed over onto the couch where you also like to relax? Can you pack up your work items and put them away? One colleague of mine would pack up her things and walk down the hall to the front door and back, mentally transitioning to being home. Whatever ritual works best for you, give it a conscious try for 30 days to see if it makes a difference!

3) Go Lean on Lists

A popular exercise from our Amazon #1 Best Seller Perfectioneur: From Workaholic to Well-Balanced, this may feel even more relevant in battling brain fog. Our minds can only remember 7+-2 memory items at a time.

Write down all the things you want to accomplish in the next 6 months. Next, narrow it down to your top ten priorities. Are they truly your top ten? If so, you aren’t allowed to focus on any of the other tasks until these 10 are done. This means not adding to your list or taking on new projects as a serial entrepreneur. Resistance and anxiety may appear, just know that if you embrace your top 10, the benefits of feeling more focused and productive makes the discomfort worth it!

4) Carve Out Time for Creativity

It’s not about arts and crafts as much as it is about honoring the times when you get your best ideas. Adam Grant speaks about 20% of your work week being allotted for creativity. Are you a morning person who likes to get things done early? Are you a night owl with your best ideas after the quiet of others going to bed? It’s worth taking a look at reworking your schedule to carve out time for these moments of creative thought to support you, your business, and your family.

Family Sphere

Speaking of Family, a second element impacted by COVID and workaholism is the Family Sphere.

-We’ve established there is poor work-life separation. Working from home. Those of you with kids might have had to homeschool at some point.

-The added stress of balancing out added responsibilities is increasing irritability and creating a shorter fuse! Snapping at your kid for leaving dishes in the sink. Coming unglued by the piles of laundry. It’s a lot to manage on a good day, let alone in a pandemic.

-This leads to zoning out and escapism. When overwhelmed or feeling stuck, we feel we want to escape into something easy or effortless. It might be a video game, movie, or show.

-The final area of the family sphere to note is increased relationship conflict. This might be between you and your kids or you and your partner or spouse. Perhaps it’s too much togetherness in quarantine where you can’t take a break from one another. Or isolation and loneliness in not being able to see your family in person very often.

Family Exercises

1) Self-Care Redefined

One way to address these challenges is by redefining Self-care as rest vs. restoration. The commercialized self-care options of vacations and spa days weren’t available at the start of COVID, financially or from a place of feeling safe. If we redefine self-care as rest vs. restoration, something amazing happens, it feels doable again. So what is rest? We are pretty good at resting like staying in our sweats all weekend, not making plans, or binge watching a show. Yet equally important is restoration. What energizes you, invigorates you, restores you to a place where you have energy in the tank again? Perhaps it’s being in nature, petting your dog, listening to music, or dancing around the house? I also encourage you to revisit what you used to enjoy as a kid. Is it about flying a kite, having a picnic, or playing with LEGO?

2) Self-Care Solo or Together

Once you get the juices flowing on possible self-care activities, I want to challenge you to have some ideas for each of these four categories:

·      solo quiet (like reading a book, writing, knitting, meditating)

·      solo active (like taking a walk, stretching, dancing around the house)

·      together quiet (like listening to music, watching a show, taking a drive)

·      together active (like cooking, an exercise class, learning something new)

By having ideas that fit all four categories, you have a greater likelihood to remain flexible in the face of fatigue, picking the activity that works best to restore you. What I appreciate about these exercises is that they don’t cost a lot of money. After all, our last sphere impacted by COVID is the Finances Sphere.

Finances Sphere

What if the rise in Workaholism is due to:

-Financial insecurity –Our changing economy and fluctuating revenue? What if we find ourselves reacting by reducing spending and increased anxiety? Have you noticed anger and a desire for control around a fluctuating bank account or compulsively checking to see what funds are available each day?

-This leads to us operating from a place of scarcity. Due to uncertainty and the unknown, we find ourselves worries about the what ifs. What if I get laid off? Fired? What if I lose my job? Lose my contract? What if I can’t pay my bills?

Finances Exercise

Based on this stressful experience, we want to take our power back.

Grab a pen and paper and try out this writing exercise. Ask yourself:

1. What is my current relationship with money?  Allow the thoughts and feelings to come out on paper, unscripted and unfiltered. What themes do you notice?

2. How do you want your relationship with money to shift or change? Again, allow the thoughts and feelings to pour freely. What’s one thing you can do to get yourself that one step closer to a healthier relationship with your money?

A Money Quiz

Ready to look a little deeper? There are four scripts that provide messaging of how we should behave with our money. Let’s look at a quiz first and record your responses.

B) Here’s a playful Quiz to get us started in a conversation about our relationship with money

You get a bonus at work. You decide to:

1. Buy that pair of shoes you’ve been eyeing. (S)

2. Put it straight into your 401K. (V)

3. Text your besties, “we’re going out and I’m buying!” (W)

4. What bonus? You haven’t checked your bank account balance in weeks. (A)

You’re calculating your quarterly taxes for your business this year and find yourself:

1. Feeling confident that you’ve put enough aside for when taxes are due. (V)

2. Hoping for a tax return to fund your next much-needed vacation. (W)

3. Starting to sweat. Can’t you put this off until next week? (A)

4. Excited to upgrade to the latest phone you’ve been wanting. (S)

Your parent wants to sit down and talk about their estate planning as part of their retirement. You respond by:

1. Brushing them off saying you are busy for several months. (A)

2. Giving advice on what they should do with all their money. (S)

3. Asking how you can help celebrate their hard work. (W)

4. Worrying about how the maintain the estate if they ask you to. (V)

You stumble across a video on the importance of running financial reports as a business owner. Your reaction is:

1. Determination to work even harder to see those numbers grow. (W)

2. An upset stomach and your mind going blank. (A)

3. Anticipation about your next big purchase. (S)

4. Eagerness to invest your profits for your future. (V)

Curious what the quiz means? The responses are capturing the 4 scripts in action!

Avoidant (A)

“I don’t want to talk about money.”

·      Doesn’t ask for raises or promotions

·      Minimizes own abilities and paid opportunities

·      Requires workaholism to make ends meet?

Worship (W)

“The more money I make, the happier I’ll be.”

·      May experience hoarding

·      May spend in large amounts to show love to others

·      Increased risk of workaholism

Status (S)

“My self-worth is tied into how much money I make.”

·      Desire to display wealth publicly

·      More often seen in young adults

·      Work hard, play hard

Vigilant (V)

“I can feel in control of my money.”

·      Doesn’t spend money lavishly or gamble

·      High anxiety about money

·      Difficulty enjoying money due to feelings of guilt after purchases

Which script do you relate to most? Which script do you prefer? What’s one thing you can do to get yourself one step closer to a healthier relationship with your money?

Workaholism continues to impact work, family, and finances. Are you ready to celebrate work-life balance and leave workaholism behind? Practicing solid work boundaries, redefining self-care, and healing your money relationship can bring you closer to balance. Grab our Amazon #1 Best-Seller Perfectioneur: From Workaholic to Well-Balanced and subscribe to our YouTube channel for even more tools.