The Human in the Helper: I felt better pregnant than any other time in my adult life

Emily is passionate about mental health, Medicaid practices, and her pre-teen daughter. She serves as a consultant to therapy practices taking Medicaid and to folks wanting to build quality substance treatment programs that meet community needs. Although she’s feeling strong mentally and physically these days, she’s suffered from depression on and off in adulthood since college. Then Emily got pregnant and stopped her antidepressant. “It wasn’t contraindicated, but I wanted to be extra cautious.”

Although her pregnancy was labeled geriatric because of her age, Emily reported she felt her healthiest while pregnant, both physically and mentally. She remembers wanting to go with the flow regarding labor and delivery, which was the plan until her daughter decided to come 10 days late. At that point, her doctors scheduled an induction that she felt catapulted her into some postpartum depression and anxiety symptoms. “I remember questioning if I should have had a child. They kept us at the hospital for a few days because my daughter had jaundice. I struggled to breastfeed.”

Emily isn’t the only woman to notice a dramatic shift in mood based on the hormonal changes of postpartum. Because of her history with depression, she felt like she knew more what to look for, even if it took her awhile to seek support. “I didn’t have a therapist or medication provider at the time. That could have made my timeline to getting help look different,” she reflected. Emily noticed depression, anxiety, and being quick to cry as some symptoms that things weren’t right. “I was quick to cry and I’m not a crier.” Amidst balancing being a new mom, she shifted jobs postpartum as well. Unfortunately, her symptoms got worse before they got better.

“My relationship was impacted by my mood.” She realized things weren’t sustainable as they were, even with a schedule change, which resulted in separating from her daughter’s father. “I know now we weren’t compatible.” At the time of the separation, Emily was hard on herself, adding the relationship end to her list of things she didn’t feel she was doing well. Then she got the support she needed to regulate her hormones again.

In the present, Emily holds a lot of compassion for colleagues who are trying to balance work with being a new parent. “All these things that we think we are prepared for, we’re not. Be forgiving of yourself.” She encourages new parents to go with the flow, while also recognizing how hard this is when caring for an infant. Adjusting and embracing parenthood isn’t a perfect science, but Emily wants people to feel hopeful that things will get better. If colleagues find themselves getting stuck in the “shoulds” of parenting or work-life demands, Emily suggests channeling our inner therapists for some added gentleness towards ourselves. “Think of things you would work on with your client. Notice what you would say to them and say those things to yourself.”

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

The Human in the Helper: It’s easier to prioritize our kids over ourselves

Jenny knows what it’s like to juggle many roles. At one point in the pandemic, she was running a small private practice, a second business of an online community, and working a full time job with a toddler at home. When her second child arrived, she was grateful for family to be present immediately after her son’s birth, an experience she didn’t get with her daughter who was born in September 2020. Jenny brought their son home, and days later noticed a rash developing on his tiny body but thought it was related to the 100 plus degree heat of Houston where they live. At her son’s check up, the doctor had concerns. “She calmly said, ‘you’re going to the emergency room now.’ I felt like I was in the dark as to what was going on but took him right away so they could run tests,” Jenny recalled. Her son was nine days old and remained in the hospital for three days as they waited for test results.

Jenny’s son had a staph infection. Although it was a relief to know the cause and receive treatment, Jenny found herself in self-blame. “Did I cause this to happen? Were there too many people around him at his birth? Should I have done something different?” Jenny isn’t alone in having these thoughts as a woman and mother. “I struggle to accept help. I tend to not rely on others and do things myself.” But as she stayed in the hospital with her son, relying on her spouse and others to keep things going at home was necessary.

A second opportunity to accept help from loved ones came when her son got a second staph infection at two months old while visiting family in Colorado. Jenny found herself telling clients about her son as she needed to cancel and reschedule appointments in order to address his needs. “It’s easier to prioritize our kids needs over our own,” Jenny reflected. She wants to operate from a ‘family comes first’ place but recognizes how that can feel challenging to herself and others when holding the role of primary earner in a household.

Figuring out our own needs as therapists and small business owners is a work in progress. Jenny had to learn how to slow down to meet her own needs. “Our bodies tell us when they’ve been ignored and neglected, and then we don’t have a choice in how to practice self-care.” As a mom, woman, and therapist who keeps others’ needs in mind, Jenny named the experience as “weaponized self-care, how are we supposed to do that?” She spoke to how it felt hypocritical to help clients and colleagues practice self-care when she wasn’t doing it well herself. Now she gives herself more grace and owns it when it happens. “I’m trying to model self-care but it’s not perfect,” she said.

Being a mom of two small children has also influenced her approach to self-care. “Our kids are purely living in the present, they model this for us. It’s also how we can recognize we aren’t taking care of ourselves in that present moment.” Jenny brings this insight into her online community for trauma therapists, who are working on their own journeys of balance and self-care. “We can join kids in the present moment, supporting healing and self-care through meaningful connection.”

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

The Human in the Helper: I was overwhelmed by how angry I felt

Julia is a mom and therapist who values working from an attachment lens with her clients. Becoming a new parent in the pandemic has also influenced her therapeutic work in ways she didn’t expect. “I was lonely. My husband was renovating our house and I was alone with our baby.” Julia describes feeling isolated and missing her supports due to them not being able to travel in the early stages of COVID-19. The absence of her spouse every day—who was attempting to make a house ready to become their home—and the absence of friends and family sparked anger in Julia. “I was overwhelmed by how angry I felt.” Although she felt loving and present with her son, Julia described significant anger showing up anytime she was apart from him and able to feel her feelings. “Then I felt shame for feeling so angry.”

Julia knew she needed to better understand where the anger was coming from. “Reading the book ‘Burn It Down’ really validated my feelings.” She discovered that many women’s postpartum experiences involve anger or rage in addition to anxiety and depression. That it wasn’t unusual to feel anger followed by shame. Julia knew that part of her feelings of anger was due to missing supports that would normalize her experiences and allow her to vent in healthy ways. “Feeling our anger allows it to move, which allows us to let go of shame.” Julia didn’t have this opportunity in the earliest stages of her parenting.

Since resources were limited in the pandemic, Julia found herself leaning on her lactation consultant, who would mask up and visit the home, reassuring Julia that her experiences were normal. “She was like a therapist, she was an angel.” Julia found things shifting for the better when her family was able to move into the renovated house and she was seeing her husband more regularly again. Then she started being able to interact with friends and family, which also improved her mental health.

Working with adults and fellow parents, Julia reflects on how her postpartum and parenting experiences have expanded her compassion for other parents. “I can see how they are stretched thin trying to parent and work,” she shared. As a therapist who operates from attachment and Internal Family Systems (IFS) lenses, Julia says the grace and compassion she has for other parents has only increased with her own lived experience as a parent who has battled anger and shame. She recognizes that without the validation of others and supports in place, mental health is negatively impacted. “What I learned about anger is why it’s here and how normal it is,” Julia shared.

Now Julia offers a parents of toddlers group where other women speak about their anger. It’s the community and safe space Julia was craving herself in a critical moment of her postpartum journey. “When unresolved anger turns inward, or when it’s not expressed appropriately, it makes us sick.” Julia is determined to create spaces for anger and shame to be expressed so they don’t fester and make people worse. She has noticed how suppressed emotions contribute to mental health conditions and wants things to be different for women and mothers. “My understanding of anger has given me a whole new perspective on mental health,” Julia named. Through IFS parts work, Julia is helping clients better understand their anger so they can process it appropriately. “Anger is here for a reason,” she shared, “we just have to discover why it’s here.”

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

The Human in the Helper: My plans went so sideways

Christie is a mom, published author, therapist, and creator of The Partnerhood, a digital community for supportive parenting strategies and connection. It’s creation is partly inspired by her own journey into motherhood of two children. “Both times rocked my world in different ways,” Christie named. The first time was marked not only by a traumatic birth experience, but also by undiagnosed postpartum anxiety and having no network of local support outside of one friend and her husband. She spoke of the experience of becoming a mother in isolation and with limited support, something many mothers can understand from their own, similar experiences. In addition to a traumatic birth experience with her first child, Christie identified that starting her private practice while pregnant wasn’t an easy task. “I wouldn’t recommend it,” she teased. “It was like having two babies at once.”

Her second child was born in November 2019, with COVID following close behind. “I felt like I started off with a strong plan. I had recently gained more friendships with other moms, was in a good place mentally, my business was flourishing, but after only a few weeks into getting my daughter into daycare, everything shut down. I felt so isolated. It threw me into a deep depression.” Christie shared how the pandemic took away her already limited support network and left her home by herself with her two young kids. “My husband was able to leave the house every day for work, almost like normal. Meanwhile, I was thrown into homeschooling a kindergartener, seeing clients virtually, and caring for my baby.” Her depression symptoms deepened to the point where she was experiencing suicidal thoughts and wanted to give up. “I started looking for a therapist, but had little luck.”

Christie identified how difficult it was to find a therapist at that time because it was the height of COVID-19 in 2020, when many folks were looking for support. “I even called the crisis line, knowing I needed to talk to somebody.” She was finally able to start working with someone, although it was a process to feel more like herself again. “I was resentful. I was ragey with my kids. I had to ask myself, what do I need?”

Working on her needs post-pandemic included prioritizing external supports and including regular meetups with friends, quiet time to herself, therapy, and activities like yoga, hiking, and reading. Many parents can relate to the effort of taking care of themselves as well as their families, and learning how to juggle it well. “I don’t like the word ‘balance’ because it still symbolizes piling things on to get it all done. You can technically ‘balance’ a really heavy load, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy. I prefer ‘work-life harmony’ instead,” Christie shared.

What is work-life harmony? Christie describes it as taking care of ourselves, our loved ones, and our businesses with a grounded satisfaction that leads to feelings of happiness and fulfillment. Having solid supports and self-care are part of this equation for Christie, who said, “Parenting is hard. Having a solid foundation of support makes a huge difference.”  She hopes others will cultivate supports as part of their own mental health and wellness journey, and she has plans to re-launch The Partnerhood as another avenue of support and connection for other overwhelmed parents. “Loneliness is magnified without support and quality support eliminates isolation.”

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

The Human in the Helper: I was a shell of a person

Laura is known as a leader in the mental health community. With her passion, wisdom, and integrity, she is showing colleagues ways to level up their practices. Yet her own practice had to take a pause when she found herself struggling with significant anxiety and OCD behaviors postpartum. “I anticipated that postpartum would be awful, and I was right,” she shared. Laura was struggling with sleep, and wouldn’t get the sleep she needed after nursing her daughter at night. “I went into my support group and asked them if they were sleeping and they all said they slept like logs. That’s when I knew something was wrong.” She described insomnia that would keep her awake and when she’d finally feel tired, it was time for her daughter to nurse again. “My husband would leave the house for work and I’d cry, knowing I was left home alone with my baby, I was so tired.”

Laura noticed that her insomnia contributed to her anxiety as she worried about the insomnia itself and not getting enough sleep each night. Then she noticed some OCD behaviors showing up in her life. “I think I was looking to feel in control of something,” she reflected. Laura found herself using an app to track all of her infant daughter’s activities, which isn’t uncommon. What felt disruptive was that she was methodical about logging every activity and exact times for all the activities, which she recalls felt obsessive and made her anxiety worse. “I focused on every minute and every activity. I was in the app all the time. “ She didn’t know how much of a hold it had on her until someone said to delete it. “It was when my daughter was 18 months old that a friend suggested I delete the app in not needing it anymore, and after some hesitation I did.”

Although Laura was able to break away from the app and the behaviors associated with it in her postpartum recovery, she shared that it took her longer to recover from the sleep deficit of motherhood and insomnia. “It was probably a solid four years before my sleep was back on track.” The thing that helped her most was getting trained in CBTI, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia, which she used on herself as well as with her clients.

Laura is honest with herself that her postpartum journey was challenging and that her experience isn’t everyone’s experience in becoming new parents. She does have some advice for therapists who are planning for maternity or paternity leave, however. “Save for your leave.” Laura identified that she was fortunate to have saved enough for several months of maternity leave, which allowed her to be more honest with herself on her timeline of coming back to work. “If I’d come back at 12 weeks, I wouldn’t have been a very good therapist. I was a shell of a person.” Through her saving and thanks to a supportive spouse, Laura was able to extend her maternity leave to allow herself more time to adjust, before slowly easing back into private practice two days a week to start. “Set aside money for your leave, you don’t know what your postpartum will look like.”

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

My Experience with Mommy Sundowners

Photo by David Mullins on Unsplash

My spouse had shared several months in advance that he had two business trips to attend in February. As a planner, I always appreciate the advanced notice, and had them on the calendar with a handful of ideas of how to manage single parenting in his absence. After spending some time with my parents, I found myself driving our daughter home as the sun was setting, glancing back to watch her napping peacefully in the back seat. Imagine my surprise when I was hit with a sudden and intense wave of anxiety. As I felt a choking sensation in my throat and tears come to my eyes, I attempted to remain curious as to why anxiety was showing up in that moment. It became clear that I was anticipating being by myself for the dinner and bedtime routines, neither of which scare me, and yet I couldn’t shake this dread that I wasn’t going to be able to handle it. That I was isolated. That it would be more difficult than usual. That my daughter was going to lose it. That I had to make it through.

The anxiety’s appearance as the sun was setting made me think of Sundowners. Sundowners traditionally talks about a behavioral shift in a person with dementia that occurs when the sun sets and darkness falls, including increased irritability, restlessness, and confusion. When you read about Sundowners, it emphasizes the importance of a routine, plenty of activity during daylight hours, and addressing body needs like hunger and thirst. As a mom, I recognize the importance of all of these suggestions in raising an infant, as well as the positive impact these things can have on a tired, stressed out mama too!

As I sat with the anxiety further, I was able to pinpoint a familiarity to it. It was the same feeling of isolation I felt while nursing in the early morning hours of my daughter’s first three months of life. There was anticipation of her struggling to fall asleep at bedtime, and my responsibility to be attentive to her needs as a first-time mother who was also trying to get some sleep herself. I can recall that the 4am feeding felt the most lonely and heavy of all the nighttime feeds, with some self-talk showing up about surviving to 5am and the sun rising soon after that to make things feel more manageable and breathable again.

This realization, combined with the anxiety of my spouse traveling for several nights, helped me better understand the waves of anxiety and dread that had arrived. After all, the last time my spouse traveled, I was left at home with a sick baby while being sick myself. Talk about challenging! It began to make sense that I was feeling anxious, the more I sat with the thoughts and sensations that came with it.

The question then was, what as I going to do to make the anxiety more manageable? I knew I would stick to the routines my spouse and I had put in place for our daughter, including dinner, playtime, and bedtime rituals that make both of us feel comfortable and relaxed. I also knew my parents and sister were both a phone call away, and would extend an invitation for a possible sleepover if I needed one with the baby at my side. Lastly, I knew I had the structure of work to break up the day, allowing me to ground myself in familiar tasks that weren’t related to parenting, all of which could help me remain in my body with the feelings of overwhelm.  

Additionally, I also challenged myself to recognize the positive moments throughout the day with my daughter, bolstering my mood and reassuring myself that things were going to turn out okay. By allowing myself these micro moments of gratitude, I felt a reduction in the anxiety and a bit more space to breathe.

I know I can’t be the only new mother to feel an intense mood shift when nighttime arrives. Whether we call it Mommy Sundowners or not, I know there is an anxiety that creeps into the evening hours when resources and coping skills are more limited. One of my best coping skills is going outside and walking, which of course isn’t an option in the wee hours of the morning. My hope is that by sharing my experience, other moms will feel seen and reassured that they are not alone. It’s important that we have a diverse list of coping skills to choose from, while still honoring that new mom nerves are an expected and natural part of this life-changing journey.

Mommy Mayo Must-Haves for 9-12 Month Olds

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

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Hi readers! This is the last of the Mommy Wants Mayonnaise series, at least for now as I prepare for other fun projects in 2023! I wanted to feature toys that grow with baby, making them feel that much more worthwhile to invest in knowing they will be used for many more months of exploration and play! I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Jolly Jumper

#2 Skip Hop Baby Activity Center

#3 Sit to Stand Toy

#4 Fisher Price Giant Activity Book

#5 Looikoos Musical Instruments Set

1. Jolly Jumper-The perfect fit for an active infant, we love how this jumper can be moved around both inside and outside since it’s a free standing frame. As baby grows, it can also be made into a fort with the purchase of a canvas tent cover!

2. Skip Hop Baby Activity Center-As popular choice, it encourages independent play and standing! After they age out of the middle seat, the tray can be inserted into the top for continued play and coloring as baby grows!

3. Sit to Stand Toy-a favorite in our household, we have enjoyed watching baby girl learn to stand and walk. She will be pushing this around the living room in no time!

4. Fisher Price Giant Activity Book-A fun Christmas find, we love how this moves from a flat interactive book to a sitting and standing toy for many more months of play!

5. Looikoos Musical Instruments Set-A thoughtful holiday gift from Auntie, this toy is eco-friendly, free of excess paints/colors, and encourages exploration of music outside of baby girl’s favorite music classes!

Mommy Wants Mayonnaise Must-Haves for Dads

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

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Hi readers! I couldn’t leave out the dads and their favorites things as new parents! From practical to playful, I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Car Seat Protector

#2 Medela Sterilizing Bags

#3 Lovies

#4 Kinder Fluff Window Covers

#5 Glow in the Dark Blanket

1. Car Seat Protector–with mesh pockets for storing toys and the ability to blend in while protecting seats, the Daddy in Mommy Wants Mayonnaise was quick to buy a second one for his car after seeing the first one in action!

2. Medela Sterilizing Bags–a huge time saver when sterlizing bottles and nursing equipment. It helps Daddy stay on top of the materials while reducing the time needed to clean so he can get in a few more cuddles with baby instead!

3. Lovies–Daddy appreciates the comfort objects that support baby in adjusting to new places or longer car rides, especially if they can soothe baby when mommy isn’t readily available. Have mommy sleep with it or wear it around her neck to capture her scent that soothes baby. A plus? They are affordable so buy two just in case one gets misplaced!

4. Kinder Fluff Window Covers- Daddy in Mommy Wants Mayonnaise got excited that these were designed by pilots to block out UV rays and he loves the ease of putting them up on sunny days to protect baby in the car. A secondary function? If you need privacy, these are easy to put up when nursing baby in the back seat!

5. Glow in the Dark Blanket- Daddy’s favorite, it’s soft and glows in the dark, two things he enjoys as much as baby for mutual naps together!

Mommy Wants Mayonnaise Must-Haves for New Moms

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. 

Hi readers! This might be my favorite list yet! Check out my must-haves for new moms that are functional, fashionable, or make us feel human again after too many missed hours of sleep! I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Aloe Lipstick

#2 Nursing Necklace

#3 Clinique Under-Eye Cream

#4 Bearsland Nursing Shirts

#5 Sketchers Women’s Sandal

1. Aloe chapstick–balancing mom life and work life, this chapstick is nourishing and provides color to your lips that doesn’t rub off when kissing your baby! 

2. Nursing Necklace– this is something I wear daily. My daughter loves to fidget with it while nursing and finds it comforting while teething too. The design is stylish and more subtle than other nursing necklaces out there and it’s saved me from a ton of hair pulling by baby! *Check out the Etsy shop here.

3. Clinique Under Eye Cream–worried about dark circles from being up several times a night with baby? This cream is quick to apply and makes a difference.

4. Bearsland Nursing Shirts/Dresses--If you get a stain from baby, you don’t have to feel heartbroken because they are affordable and replaceable. Pay no mind to the washing instructions, they are still soft and wearable after dozens of washes.

5. Sketchers Sandals–Are you wanting comfortable sandals that stay on your feet for walks with baby while still having cute shoes to wear? These are fashionable, comfortable, and feel like you can walk in them all day with no risks of blisters thanks to foam soles and a stretchy strap design!

Mommy Wants Mayonnaise Must-Haves for Infants 6-9 Months

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. 

Hi readers! Now I’m grateful to share my favorite things for parents of infants 6-9 months and my reasoning for why they rank in the top five must-haves! I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Stacking Cups

#2 Learning Walker

#3 Wooden Puzzles

#4 Triple Paste Diaper Cream

#5 Baby Spoons

1. Stacking Cups–the best five dollars we’ve spent on a toy! Stackable and serves as great practice for drinking from cups in the future.

2. Learning Walker–Great for babies who love to stand and are ready to engage in play sitting, standing, and eventually pushing.

3. Wooden Puzzles–made of bright colors and made of wood that can be stacked, this toy helps a baby develop hand-eye coordination.

4. Triple Paste Diaper Cream–this stuff is magic. It’s worked better than other popular brands of diaper rash cream and is affordable too! 

5. Baby Spoons–as baby starts to play with purees and solids, having soft, chewable spoons can help them get excited about eating. Best tip we’ve received so far? Have some spoons for play and some for eating, this helps baby focus on the food instead of the spoon.