The Human in the Helper: I was a shell of a person

Laura is known as a leader in the mental health community. With her passion, wisdom, and integrity, she is showing colleagues ways to level up their practices. Yet her own practice had to take a pause when she found herself struggling with significant anxiety and OCD behaviors postpartum. “I anticipated that postpartum would be awful, and I was right,” she shared. Laura was struggling with sleep, and wouldn’t get the sleep she needed after nursing her daughter at night. “I went into my support group and asked them if they were sleeping and they all said they slept like logs. That’s when I knew something was wrong.” She described insomnia that would keep her awake and when she’d finally feel tired, it was time for her daughter to nurse again. “My husband would leave the house for work and I’d cry, knowing I was left home alone with my baby, I was so tired.”

Laura noticed that her insomnia contributed to her anxiety as she worried about the insomnia itself and not getting enough sleep each night. Then she noticed some OCD behaviors showing up in her life. “I think I was looking to feel in control of something,” she reflected. Laura found herself using an app to track all of her infant daughter’s activities, which isn’t uncommon. What felt disruptive was that she was methodical about logging every activity and exact times for all the activities, which she recalls felt obsessive and made her anxiety worse. “I focused on every minute and every activity. I was in the app all the time. “ She didn’t know how much of a hold it had on her until someone said to delete it. “It was when my daughter was 18 months old that a friend suggested I delete the app in not needing it anymore, and after some hesitation I did.”

Although Laura was able to break away from the app and the behaviors associated with it in her postpartum recovery, she shared that it took her longer to recover from the sleep deficit of motherhood and insomnia. “It was probably a solid four years before my sleep was back on track.” The thing that helped her most was getting trained in CBTI, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia, which she used on herself as well as with her clients.

Laura is honest with herself that her postpartum journey was challenging and that her experience isn’t everyone’s experience in becoming new parents. She does have some advice for therapists who are planning for maternity or paternity leave, however. “Save for your leave.” Laura identified that she was fortunate to have saved enough for several months of maternity leave, which allowed her to be more honest with herself on her timeline of coming back to work. “If I’d come back at 12 weeks, I wouldn’t have been a very good therapist. I was a shell of a person.” Through her saving and thanks to a supportive spouse, Laura was able to extend her maternity leave to allow herself more time to adjust, before slowly easing back into private practice two days a week to start. “Set aside money for your leave, you don’t know what your postpartum will look like.”

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

My Experience with Mommy Sundowners

Photo by David Mullins on Unsplash

My spouse had shared several months in advance that he had two business trips to attend in February. As a planner, I always appreciate the advanced notice, and had them on the calendar with a handful of ideas of how to manage single parenting in his absence. After spending some time with my parents, I found myself driving our daughter home as the sun was setting, glancing back to watch her napping peacefully in the back seat. Imagine my surprise when I was hit with a sudden and intense wave of anxiety. As I felt a choking sensation in my throat and tears come to my eyes, I attempted to remain curious as to why anxiety was showing up in that moment. It became clear that I was anticipating being by myself for the dinner and bedtime routines, neither of which scare me, and yet I couldn’t shake this dread that I wasn’t going to be able to handle it. That I was isolated. That it would be more difficult than usual. That my daughter was going to lose it. That I had to make it through.

The anxiety’s appearance as the sun was setting made me think of Sundowners. Sundowners traditionally talks about a behavioral shift in a person with dementia that occurs when the sun sets and darkness falls, including increased irritability, restlessness, and confusion. When you read about Sundowners, it emphasizes the importance of a routine, plenty of activity during daylight hours, and addressing body needs like hunger and thirst. As a mom, I recognize the importance of all of these suggestions in raising an infant, as well as the positive impact these things can have on a tired, stressed out mama too!

As I sat with the anxiety further, I was able to pinpoint a familiarity to it. It was the same feeling of isolation I felt while nursing in the early morning hours of my daughter’s first three months of life. There was anticipation of her struggling to fall asleep at bedtime, and my responsibility to be attentive to her needs as a first-time mother who was also trying to get some sleep herself. I can recall that the 4am feeding felt the most lonely and heavy of all the nighttime feeds, with some self-talk showing up about surviving to 5am and the sun rising soon after that to make things feel more manageable and breathable again.

This realization, combined with the anxiety of my spouse traveling for several nights, helped me better understand the waves of anxiety and dread that had arrived. After all, the last time my spouse traveled, I was left at home with a sick baby while being sick myself. Talk about challenging! It began to make sense that I was feeling anxious, the more I sat with the thoughts and sensations that came with it.

The question then was, what as I going to do to make the anxiety more manageable? I knew I would stick to the routines my spouse and I had put in place for our daughter, including dinner, playtime, and bedtime rituals that make both of us feel comfortable and relaxed. I also knew my parents and sister were both a phone call away, and would extend an invitation for a possible sleepover if I needed one with the baby at my side. Lastly, I knew I had the structure of work to break up the day, allowing me to ground myself in familiar tasks that weren’t related to parenting, all of which could help me remain in my body with the feelings of overwhelm.  

Additionally, I also challenged myself to recognize the positive moments throughout the day with my daughter, bolstering my mood and reassuring myself that things were going to turn out okay. By allowing myself these micro moments of gratitude, I felt a reduction in the anxiety and a bit more space to breathe.

I know I can’t be the only new mother to feel an intense mood shift when nighttime arrives. Whether we call it Mommy Sundowners or not, I know there is an anxiety that creeps into the evening hours when resources and coping skills are more limited. One of my best coping skills is going outside and walking, which of course isn’t an option in the wee hours of the morning. My hope is that by sharing my experience, other moms will feel seen and reassured that they are not alone. It’s important that we have a diverse list of coping skills to choose from, while still honoring that new mom nerves are an expected and natural part of this life-changing journey.

Mommy Mayo Must-Haves for 9-12 Month Olds

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

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Hi readers! This is the last of the Mommy Wants Mayonnaise series, at least for now as I prepare for other fun projects in 2023! I wanted to feature toys that grow with baby, making them feel that much more worthwhile to invest in knowing they will be used for many more months of exploration and play! I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Jolly Jumper

#2 Skip Hop Baby Activity Center

#3 Sit to Stand Toy

#4 Fisher Price Giant Activity Book

#5 Looikoos Musical Instruments Set

1. Jolly Jumper-The perfect fit for an active infant, we love how this jumper can be moved around both inside and outside since it’s a free standing frame. As baby grows, it can also be made into a fort with the purchase of a canvas tent cover!

2. Skip Hop Baby Activity Center-As popular choice, it encourages independent play and standing! After they age out of the middle seat, the tray can be inserted into the top for continued play and coloring as baby grows!

3. Sit to Stand Toy-a favorite in our household, we have enjoyed watching baby girl learn to stand and walk. She will be pushing this around the living room in no time!

4. Fisher Price Giant Activity Book-A fun Christmas find, we love how this moves from a flat interactive book to a sitting and standing toy for many more months of play!

5. Looikoos Musical Instruments Set-A thoughtful holiday gift from Auntie, this toy is eco-friendly, free of excess paints/colors, and encourages exploration of music outside of baby girl’s favorite music classes!

Mommy Wants Mayonnaise Must-Haves for Dads

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

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Hi readers! I couldn’t leave out the dads and their favorites things as new parents! From practical to playful, I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Car Seat Protector

#2 Medela Sterilizing Bags

#3 Lovies

#4 Kinder Fluff Window Covers

#5 Glow in the Dark Blanket

1. Car Seat Protector–with mesh pockets for storing toys and the ability to blend in while protecting seats, the Daddy in Mommy Wants Mayonnaise was quick to buy a second one for his car after seeing the first one in action!

2. Medela Sterilizing Bags–a huge time saver when sterlizing bottles and nursing equipment. It helps Daddy stay on top of the materials while reducing the time needed to clean so he can get in a few more cuddles with baby instead!

3. Lovies–Daddy appreciates the comfort objects that support baby in adjusting to new places or longer car rides, especially if they can soothe baby when mommy isn’t readily available. Have mommy sleep with it or wear it around her neck to capture her scent that soothes baby. A plus? They are affordable so buy two just in case one gets misplaced!

4. Kinder Fluff Window Covers- Daddy in Mommy Wants Mayonnaise got excited that these were designed by pilots to block out UV rays and he loves the ease of putting them up on sunny days to protect baby in the car. A secondary function? If you need privacy, these are easy to put up when nursing baby in the back seat!

5. Glow in the Dark Blanket- Daddy’s favorite, it’s soft and glows in the dark, two things he enjoys as much as baby for mutual naps together!

Mommy Wants Mayonnaise Must-Haves for New Moms

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

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Hi readers! This might be my favorite list yet! Check out my must-haves for new moms that are functional, fashionable, or make us feel human again after too many missed hours of sleep! I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Aloe Lipstick

#2 Nursing Necklace

#3 Clinique Under-Eye Cream

#4 Bearsland Nursing Shirts

#5 Sketchers Women’s Sandal

1. Aloe chapstick–balancing mom life and work life, this chapstick is nourishing and provides color to your lips that doesn’t rub off when kissing your baby! 

2. Nursing Necklace– this is something I wear daily. My daughter loves to fidget with it while nursing and finds it comforting while teething too. The design is stylish and more subtle than other nursing necklaces out there and it’s saved me from a ton of hair pulling by baby! *Check out the Etsy shop here.

3. Clinique Under Eye Cream–worried about dark circles from being up several times a night with baby? This cream is quick to apply and makes a difference.

4. Bearsland Nursing Shirts/Dresses--If you get a stain from baby, you don’t have to feel heartbroken because they are affordable and replaceable. Pay no mind to the washing instructions, they are still soft and wearable after dozens of washes.

5. Sketchers Sandals–Are you wanting comfortable sandals that stay on your feet for walks with baby while still having cute shoes to wear? These are fashionable, comfortable, and feel like you can walk in them all day with no risks of blisters thanks to foam soles and a stretchy strap design!

Mommy Wants Mayonnaise Must-Haves for Infants 6-9 Months

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

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Hi readers! Now I’m grateful to share my favorite things for parents of infants 6-9 months and my reasoning for why they rank in the top five must-haves! I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Stacking Cups

#2 Learning Walker

#3 Wooden Puzzles

#4 Triple Paste Diaper Cream

#5 Baby Spoons

1. Stacking Cups–the best five dollars we’ve spent on a toy! Stackable and serves as great practice for drinking from cups in the future.

2. Learning Walker–Great for babies who love to stand and are ready to engage in play sitting, standing, and eventually pushing.

3. Wooden Puzzles–made of bright colors and made of wood that can be stacked, this toy helps a baby develop hand-eye coordination.

4. Triple Paste Diaper Cream–this stuff is magic. It’s worked better than other popular brands of diaper rash cream and is affordable too! 

5. Baby Spoons–as baby starts to play with purees and solids, having soft, chewable spoons can help them get excited about eating. Best tip we’ve received so far? Have some spoons for play and some for eating, this helps baby focus on the food instead of the spoon.

Mommy Wants Mayonnaise Must-Haves for Infants 3-6 Months

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

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Hi readers! I’m excited to share my favorite things for parents of infants 3-6 months and my reasoning for why they rank in the top five must-haves! I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Penguin Teether

#2 Indestructibles Books

#3 Frozen Teethers

#4 Bathtub Shampoo Rinser

#5 Carrots Toy

1. Penguin Teether–An adorable teether that is easy for baby to grip, we found this teether was a favorite for it’s nipple-shaped ends and soft silicone. It’s shape and easy hand-holding design made it ideal for playing in the pool too!

2. Indestructibles Books–Gifted to us, we became instant fans of these books. Bright and colorful, their indestructible design allows baby to chew, pull, shake, and bend the books in their enthusiasm with no stress from parents.

3. Frozen teethers–A must-have for infants who start getting teeth! These ones have a satisfying texture that is easy to refrigerate and clean.

4. Bathtub Rinse–Soft-sided and easy to hold and clean, this is the perfect bathtub accessory that serves a function of rinsing a baby’s hair while also allowing some water play!

5. Carrots Toy–Although this toy should be used only under supervision, it’s a favorite for a teething baby and supports development of motor skills. Not to mention they are crafted well and have an appealing design for both baby and parent.

Mommy Wants Mayonnaise Must-Haves for Infants 0-3 Months

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

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Hi readers! Here’s the list of my favorite things for parents of infants 0-3 months old! As well as my reasoning for why they rank in the top five must-haves! I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Bibs

#2 Crinkle Book

#3 Sophie the Giraffe Teether

#4 Stroller Fan

#5 Carter’s Rompers

1. Bibs–I know some parents won’t be a fan of the strings so be sure to remove them before naps. However, their soft material that mimics baby’s burp cloths and the scalloped edges make them ideal for parents who want something functional and fashionable without being distracting. Super absorbent and easy to swap after spit up, these have saved us from multiple wardrobe changes a day and never-ending loads of laundry!

2. Crinkle book–For baby’s first book, this one is a favorite! A satisfying crinkle sound and lots of black and white designs make it eye catching and fun for an infant who is still developing their ability to see color. Easy to clean and clips to a car seat for babies on the go.

3. Sophie the Giraffe Teether–This teether goes everywhere with our daughter. Easy to grip, she gets a satisfying chew and the rubber has a nostalgic smell for parents!

4. Stroller fan–This is the ultimate game-changer for babies who get too hot in cars or on walks during hot weather months. With its octopus legs, it attaches easily to all sorts of surfaces and the light source is helpful to see your baby in the backseat on early morning drives when it’s not quite light out.

5. Carter’s Rompers–for parents whose infants hate having onesies pulled over their heads or who require multiple changes after a blowout, these rompers are cute and so easy to put on with the snaps down the front. Our daughter wore these all summer with ease.

Some Workaholism Wins in Motherhood

Photo by Tamara Bellis on Unsplash

Let me be clear, workaholism is not the goal. In fact, workaholism was the reason for my professional burnout in 2016-2018 and very nearly a second round in 2020 in response to the uncertainty of the pandemic. Yet as I continue to reflect on how things have changed for me as a new mom with a now five month old, I find myself grateful for some of things that workaholism has taught me. Although stressful, painful and bad for my health, in some ways I feel workaholism prepared me for the challenges of being a mom! Here’s what I mean:

1)    Waking at 3am: Whether I found myself wide awake at 3am with a new creative, entrepreneurial idea or waking up at 3am to feed the baby, I’ve found that it hasn’t been nearly as painful to be awake at this early hour. It’s almost like my creative wakings were a rehearsal for the important job of handling odd hours as a mom.

2)    Embracing Flexibility: As a Type-A person, flexibility isn’t always my strong suit. But being an entrepreneur has taught me to be flexible, changing up routines and pivoting to add projects and ideas to keep my brain engaged. This same flexibility is something I had to call upon as a new mom who was learning her daughter’s wants and needs. Planned a lunch but the baby tells me it’s time to go home? I go! Wanted to watch a movie and got interrupted? We try again another time. Hoping to get some work done but she wakes early from her nap. We pivot! Flexibility is a must in motherhood.

3)    Setting up Systems: Workaholism for many is about fitting in lots of work projects and thinking about work 24/7. Although I don’t recommend this level of hustle for anyone, the constant mental energy directed towards my business led me to discover systems and tools to keep things running smoothly. Why does this matter? When on maternity leave, this allowed me the privilege of taking quality time with my baby and still having my business running, mostly without me. Without systems in place, this would have been a lot more stressful to manage on minimal hours of sleep.

On the flip side, what has motherhood taught me about workaholism?

4)    Downtime is Good: Taking time to rest, cuddle my baby, and take a nap are all good for creativity. It’s important to be bored and let our minds wander once in awhile. I felt my creativity coming back on maternity leave about halfway through and attribute it to downtime where the baby was sleeping on me and there was no work I wanted to do or could do. Enter new ideas and goals for the future!

5)    Work-Life Balance is Better: We all strive for work-life balance but how do we know if we’ve achieved it? I’ve been pleasantly surprised at my shift from working all the time to working enough to meet my business needs and nothing more. This allows me to have quality time with my baby while not adding too much financial stress. I couldn’t do this for myself in my burnout, but it’s been easy to do when thinking about how much I want to be there for my daughter.

6)    It’s a Different Flavor: Don’t get me wrong, like most moms, I don’t get the luxury of sitting around and doing nothing in working less hours with clients. The demanding work hours are still present, just a different flavor. It’s a flavor composed of meeting an infant’s needs and attempting to still get other functioning things done like laundry and emails. I’ve added to my stress plate in some ways, and taken away from it in others. It’s a balancing act that’s constantly evolving as my daughter grows.

Can you relate? Just a few musings on workaholism and motherhood. Although I don’t wish workaholism on anyone, I have found gratitude in my experience, including being thankful for the things it has taught me at this stage in my life. What has workaholism taught you? You too may find yourself pleasantly surprised at the unexpected gifts it reveals!

Stopping the Steamroll

Photo by Johny Goerend on Unsplash

We’ve all been there. Talking down to ourselves, allowing our inner critic to drive, or letting imposter syndrome win. I felt all that and more as my baby cried for an agonizing sixty minutes. I’d gone through the new parent checklist. Hungry? No. Wet? Nope. Tired? Not really. Too hot? Maybe? It was another 6pm witching hour and I felt helpless as she cried. A helplessness that was made worse by my inability to fix things when I usually feel somewhat capable.

Motherhood is different. Thankfully my daughter tired herself out and reset her little body through a nap in the soothing vibrations of her bouncy chair (thank goodness). The sudden absence of scream-crying allowed me to reset too, which had me wondering if the same strategies I’ve used with driven professionals could help me reset after a challenging time with an infant.

Such as how do we stop the steamroll? I originally described stopping the steamroll related to productivity, workaholism, and desires for control in my book Perfectioneur: From Workaholic to Well-Balanced. I highlighted how driven professionals may steamroll over internal and external warning signs of poor work-life balance and burnout or even steamroll over others for a sense of control. But what about when the steamroll happens in our own heads? The negative thought spiral that says we’re stupid, horrible, or not good enough? I knew I needed to revisit my strategies to stop the steamroll after the difficult evening with my 2-month-old. Let’s look at “the Four R’s” together.

Strategy #1: Rest

I found myself sitting in the quiet after her witching hour. I could have distracted myself with food, chores, or my phone. But instead I allowed myself to take a few breaths and just notice what my body and mind were doing. My body was trying to bring my shoulders down from around my ears. My mind was trying to find an explanation for why my daughter struggled this evening. For you, rest may be sitting still, gentle walking, or intentional stretching in a quiet place. After so much stimulation, I welcomed the cool and quiet of my room to finally rest as my baby slept. Bringing the body to rest allows us to start the reset process.

Strategy #2: Reframe

The more I talk with other parents, the more I realize I’m not alone in having a baby who fusses sometimes. To have the witching hour confirmed as something other parents experience was immensely affirming. Now that we were out of the most current witching hour episode, I knew I wanted to reframe the situation to avoid setting up camp with my inner critic. After all, she’s pretty harsh. So instead of allowing my critic to repeat how inept of a parent I am, I reframed the situation as another learning experience. Statements like, ‘I’m still learning about my daughter, she’ll 11 weeks old. I can do this. She’s safe, I’m safe.’  What reframes do you need in the face of stress?

Strategy #3: Reinforce

Once I reframed the situation, I wanted to put energy towards the more positive statements. I wanted to reinforce the good over the bad. Reinforcing can happen through bilateral tapping or mindful walking. It could be sharing your experience with others and practicing the reframe out loud. I found myself turning to fellow mothers who understand the difficulties of a baby’s witching hour and shared my reframes with them. Not only did this help me feel connected, the reinforcement allowed me to access gratitude and self-compassion in a tough situation.

Strategy #4: Restore

The last piece of the stopping the steamroll puzzle is to restore. To get back to square one. What energizes, invigorates, and restores you? In my motherhood example, restoring meant bonding with my daughter and engaging in pleasant activities to remove the spotlight on challenging moments. It meant cuddling and walks together in the sunshine. It meant finding reasons to laugh instead of cry. It meant making new memories and getting some sleep.

Whatever your stressor, know that steamrolling doesn’t have to be your first response. We can stop the steamroll and quiet our inner critics together. The four R’s helped me find more laughs than tears in motherhood. The same could apply to other stressors in your life. It’s not perfect, but I’m right there alongside you! We are doing our best and that’s enough.