My Experience with Mommy Sundowners

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My spouse had shared several months in advance that he had two business trips to attend in February. As a planner, I always appreciate the advanced notice, and had them on the calendar with a handful of ideas of how to manage single parenting in his absence. After spending some time with my parents, I found myself driving our daughter home as the sun was setting, glancing back to watch her napping peacefully in the back seat. Imagine my surprise when I was hit with a sudden and intense wave of anxiety. As I felt a choking sensation in my throat and tears come to my eyes, I attempted to remain curious as to why anxiety was showing up in that moment. It became clear that I was anticipating being by myself for the dinner and bedtime routines, neither of which scare me, and yet I couldn’t shake this dread that I wasn’t going to be able to handle it. That I was isolated. That it would be more difficult than usual. That my daughter was going to lose it. That I had to make it through.

The anxiety’s appearance as the sun was setting made me think of Sundowners. Sundowners traditionally talks about a behavioral shift in a person with dementia that occurs when the sun sets and darkness falls, including increased irritability, restlessness, and confusion. When you read about Sundowners, it emphasizes the importance of a routine, plenty of activity during daylight hours, and addressing body needs like hunger and thirst. As a mom, I recognize the importance of all of these suggestions in raising an infant, as well as the positive impact these things can have on a tired, stressed out mama too!

As I sat with the anxiety further, I was able to pinpoint a familiarity to it. It was the same feeling of isolation I felt while nursing in the early morning hours of my daughter’s first three months of life. There was anticipation of her struggling to fall asleep at bedtime, and my responsibility to be attentive to her needs as a first-time mother who was also trying to get some sleep herself. I can recall that the 4am feeding felt the most lonely and heavy of all the nighttime feeds, with some self-talk showing up about surviving to 5am and the sun rising soon after that to make things feel more manageable and breathable again.

This realization, combined with the anxiety of my spouse traveling for several nights, helped me better understand the waves of anxiety and dread that had arrived. After all, the last time my spouse traveled, I was left at home with a sick baby while being sick myself. Talk about challenging! It began to make sense that I was feeling anxious, the more I sat with the thoughts and sensations that came with it.

The question then was, what as I going to do to make the anxiety more manageable? I knew I would stick to the routines my spouse and I had put in place for our daughter, including dinner, playtime, and bedtime rituals that make both of us feel comfortable and relaxed. I also knew my parents and sister were both a phone call away, and would extend an invitation for a possible sleepover if I needed one with the baby at my side. Lastly, I knew I had the structure of work to break up the day, allowing me to ground myself in familiar tasks that weren’t related to parenting, all of which could help me remain in my body with the feelings of overwhelm.  

Additionally, I also challenged myself to recognize the positive moments throughout the day with my daughter, bolstering my mood and reassuring myself that things were going to turn out okay. By allowing myself these micro moments of gratitude, I felt a reduction in the anxiety and a bit more space to breathe.

I know I can’t be the only new mother to feel an intense mood shift when nighttime arrives. Whether we call it Mommy Sundowners or not, I know there is an anxiety that creeps into the evening hours when resources and coping skills are more limited. One of my best coping skills is going outside and walking, which of course isn’t an option in the wee hours of the morning. My hope is that by sharing my experience, other moms will feel seen and reassured that they are not alone. It’s important that we have a diverse list of coping skills to choose from, while still honoring that new mom nerves are an expected and natural part of this life-changing journey.

Cathartic Response to Anxiety Overload

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How familiar are you with your body’s response to anxiety? Perhaps you already know the symptoms of how your body shows you that you’re feeling anxious. Symptoms like elevated heart rate, sweaty palms, flushed face, clammy skin, muscle tension, tension headaches, shallow breathing, uncontrolled worry, rumination, and more. Mild anxiety can serve as a motivator to ease our discomfort by spurring us into action. But what about when it becomes unbearable? An anxiety attack. An 8 our of 10 on the discomfort scale?  As humans, we can only sustain this level of discomfort for so long. Our bodies want to express or expel the discomfort to get back to our baseline of functioning, most easily accessed through cathartic release. Let’s take a look at some predictable choices the body has for cathartic release to return to baseline.

1.     Crying. Although clients may feel apologetic or uncomfortable with their own tears, it’s not uncommon for them to report feeling better or at least more neutral after a really good cry. This cathartic release is a common option their body chooses when feeling high levels of anxiety, with or without their consent. As therapists, we can support them in identifying safe spaces for crying if they feel uncomfortable with the expression or have a childhood chalked full of messages saying they shouldn’t cry. Therapeutically, crying can be a healthy outlet for anxiety.

2.     Screaming. Have you heard of scream therapy? Children have been encouraged to scream to regulate their little bodies. Adults may embrace this outlet on rollercoasters or a well-insulated car or soft pillow. As another expression of expelling strong emotions, it can be effective under the right conditions.

3.     Orgasm. Underrated yet effective! This is a more challenging cathartic release because of the blocks to libido and sexual arousal that can occur in states of high anxiety, especially in women. Yet the benefits of orgasm have been documented, including relaxation, more youthful appearance, and of course, stress relief!

4.     Comfort in Food. Have you noticed times where you are feeling stressed or anxious and crave comfort food? This is the body’s response to elevated cortisol levels, also known as stress hormones. When cortisol levels spike, we crave fatty or sugary foods. Seeking foods we enjoy can also be an emotional response to stress, such as seeking dopamine, the “feel good” hormone to feel happier or using food to fill the void of needs that remain unmet.

5.     Exercise/Movement. This is a cathartic release that is often found low on our coping list because of the assumption that we need to go to a gym to exercise. However, exercise is all about movement which increases oxygen intake and blood flow, both of which help us feel less anxious. Imagine being able to trick your brain from recognizing an elevated heart rate as an anxiety attack to an elevated heart rate due to movement or exercise? Not only does working our muscles give us some relief, the pleasant sensation of tired muscles or a loose, jelly-like feeling to our limbs after intentional exercise can be an enjoyable sensation after the discomfort of anxiety. Movement also serves to increase our breath, which can be a strategic response to anxiety which tends to make our breathing shallow and strained at our lungs instead of deep, restorative breaths at our belly.

Now that you’ve explored five possible cathartic release options to strong emotions including anxiety, which are you most likely to choose? Is there one outlet you’ve forgotten that deserves some experimentation to see how it works for you? As you can imagine, not all of these cathartic release tools are options depending on being in the community versus being at home. Yet in the therapy space, these outlets are seen as tools that can serve as homework to try, gathering data on what works best for your body in response to elevated anxiety you want to shift.

Failure to Launch: Fostering Confidence and Freedom

You may recall the American Romantic Comedy “Failure to Launch” in 2006 that describes a 30-something man struggling to leave the nest. This concept isn’t foreign when describing young adults’ struggle with achieving the next milestone of independence: moving out of their parents’ house. Dr. Jean Twenge writes extensively on the trends of stagnation and delayed pursuit of independence in both the Millennial and iGen generations.  But what can we do to support confidence and the pursuit of autonomy and freedom in our young adults?

An Uphill Battle

For many young adults, American society has given them expectations that they can do anything they want, be anything they want, follow their dreams, and thus, never settle for mediocre in their identity, career, or relationships. For the adult child, this becomes a rude awakening when facing competitive college admissions, fighting for quality jobs, and budgeting to live on their own with the rising cost of living. Dr. Twenge speaks extensively about the ways young adults are set up to fail—highlighting loneliness, a lack of self-esteem, and elevated anxiety and depression as some of the challenges of our 18-35-year-olds.

Recognizing that these challenges may lead to stagnation and loss of confidence, it is important to foster hope for these generations, both in themselves and the communities they cultivate that can help them achieve success. Below are some ideas for young adults to support their transition to independence from their parent’s home:

1. Identify communities of support-By finding and strengthening connection to communities that feel like-minded and relatable, you can shift from family of origin focus to relating to others and developing other spheres of connection outside the home.

2. Explore other's experience-Knowing that you are not alone in how you feel and the struggles you face can make the transition less lonely and more hopeful by learning form other’s experience and strategizing your next move.

3. Build confidence-Engage in self-discovery by identifying areas where you have strengths. Identify what’s most important to you through values exercises at Lifevaluesinventory.org and explore career strengths and direction at youscience.com.

4. Positive reframes-Practicing your ability to rewrite negative thoughts or experiences can be a powerful tool in creating confidence and hope of independence. Reframing negative thoughts as temporary or your best effort can inspire movement and hope. To learn more, consider individual therapy where a professional can teach you these skills through Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy or identify a gratitude practice that can shift negative thoughts daily.

Parenting Parameters

Fostering hope and confidence is not exclusively the job of professionals. The support of parents can also be crucial to the confidence of a young adult. Here are some ideas for parents to encourage the exit from the nest:

1. Support structure-parents’ ability to provide rules and expectations in the home can be an important incentive for young adults to exit and live on their own. When we think of the movie “Failure to Launch,” the parents made it too easy and convenient to stay in the home, thus stifling any urge in their son to leave. Structure can support expectations of a young adult’s transition from the house in a supportive way.

2. Remain consistent-being consistent and true to your word as a parent is just as important now as it was when your young adult was a child. Predictability can support your young adult in building respect for your position in their exit from the home by identifying a timeline for your young adult to move towards independence and freedom.

3. Provide encouragement-with change comes anxiety. Remember to be encouraging, positive, and reassuring towards your young adult that you are still a part of their lives and care about them as they make this transition. This will allow them to feel comfort rather than anxiety or grief at the loss of daily contact and connection offered in your household.

In whatever ways one accesses the confidence to pursue independence, knowing there are loving, caring connections between the person and others is a vital component of their success. There is no rule book for how to move from failure to launch to thriving in freedom. In a generation that feels more lonely and anxious than ever, community connection and meaningful interactions can help. We can support the next generations in their success though encouragement and kindness, and in this effort, we all win.

 “Change is hardest at the beginning, messiest in the middle, and best at the end.” Robin Sharma

Atlas Complex: The Weight of the World

Have you ever felt like the weight of the world was on your shoulders? Like you have to take on all the projects, help everyone around you, just to maintain a sense of order? By modern standards, this experience is identified and defined as the Atlas Complex, thus describing a need to take on all the responsibility and all the stress of the world as you navigate through it. Why would one experience the state of mind that they must take on the world? There are many reasons that encourage the behavior of being responsible for everything around us, including internal and external factors that drive us to action in search of relief.

Need to be Needed

One external motivation for taking on the world can be our relationships. For some, the avoidance of conflict by saying yes to others’ needs is enough of a reason to take on more than we can handle, and to make do for the sake of friendship, approval, or respect. Connecting and helping others isn’t all negative, however when our own needs are sacrificed for others with no opportunity for self-care, resentment, burnout, and poor mental health can follow. So how do you know if you are experiencing symptoms of the Atlas Complex in the scope of relationships and boundaries? Below are some questions you may ask yourself:

• Do you secretly resent the request to help but feel you can’t say no?

• Do you feel like you are the only one who can help, so you say yes?

• Do you feel like you have to say yes out of avoidance of conflict or judgement?

• Do you fear disappointing someone if you don’t take on their request?

• Do you need to be needed? Do you feel most worthwhile when helping others?

It isn’t uncommon to identify with one or more of the questions above when connecting with others. One way to check in with yourself around your boundaries is to explore how you are helping yourself in addition to others. Remember that you can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself first. Similar to the airline directives about oxygen masks, you must first put on your own oxygen mask before helping others, implying you are no good to them or yourself if you aren’t conscious from lack of oxygen in trying to address others’ needs before your own.

Escalating Anxiety

Having solid definition of your boundaries with others can be important in having quality relationships and can also improve expectations of what you are able and willing to do to help. You may feel anxious enforcing new boundaries when they weren’t present before, especially if loved ones’ question or push back against new boundaries out of confusion around the change. Change itself can also be a trigger for anxiety. The Atlas Complex can be present out of a desire to control something because you feel out of control in other areas. For example, if you feel like you can’t control the declining health of your parent, you may find yourself controlling your living environment, cleaning compulsively, and snapping at your partner when small messes are left in the kitchen. This increased irritability and urge to control several things at once manifests in response to internal anxiety that isn’t as easily controlled, making things more difficult in your relationships, work, and home life.

Awareness of your anxiety can be a first step in addressing it in healthy ways. By being aware, you can track patterns and make changes in your thoughts or behaviors, which can then have a positive effect on your emotions. Below are some ideas of what you might say or do to address the anxiety you feel:

• Change the scene. Try getting out or away from an area that aggravates anxiety to gain some relief or perspective on what’s happening in your life.

• Move your body. Movement can help reduce anxiety in the form of exercise. Take a walk to think things through, which helps anxiety by both serving as light exercise and as a processing tool, giving you time to explore what’s happening that stresses you out.

• Think happy thoughts. Studies show that how we interpret a challenge can impact our anxiety.  For example, if we think, “nothing will ever change,” our emotional reaction will feel heavier and more helpless than if we think “this is temporary, I can do this.”

• Try coping skills. Taking a drink of water, breathing, listening to music, or healthy distraction can help address the anxiety you feel to make it more manageable.

Managing the Atlas Complex and all it represents can have positive effects on your mood, relationships, and life. Check in with yourself frequently to determine the motivation behind urges to hold the world on your shoulders and you may just find that the world looks and feels lighter than it once did.

“Optimism is a happiness magnet. If you stay positive, good things and good people will be drawn to you.” Mary Lou Retton

The Misjudged Millennials

We’ve been labeled by previous generations and these stickers have unrecognized negative implications. When we hear lazy, delusional, insincere, pampered, or even narcissistic, it not only diminishes the authentic experiences of Millennials, but creates an overarching stereotype that spreads ongoing divide. 

There are clear cultural and normative distinctions between Boomers, Gen-X, and even our most recent Gen-Zers. The beauty of specific generations are their unique values and attitudes about themselves, others, and the world. Every generation receives feedback and criticism; however, it seems that Millennials are gaining a fascinating reputation.

Millennials embody particular characteristics that perpetuate internal struggle especially in a world that operates quite differently than Millennials expected. That being said, its crucial to walk through some of the positive attributes and then segue to the misconstrued experiences of Generation Y.

It is shown through research that Millennials are mindful and filled with awareness regarding health, social, economic and environmental issues. Millennials are shaking our current system and showing up as critical thinkers.

Millennials embrace balance and hold a strong desire for career flexibility and self-care. These individuals are authentic, transparent, broadminded, and exploratory. Millennials promote individualism and believe in the importance of “doing whatever makes you happy.” Lastly, Millennials don’t accept existing conditions because they know improvements can be made and innovation is the golden ticket. 

Some of you reading will find what I’ve described above to be beneficial and helpful to our planet, however, there will be plenty of folks who may interpret it with a different twist. Nevertheless, the above narrative is paired with intense distress. 

Millennials endure higher levels of stress, emotional discomfort, anxiety, depression, and choice-overload compared to previous generations. These researched statistics are not only misunderstood but translate into the negative labels attached to the generation. Stress is labeled as lazy, critical thinking is stamped as delusional, and self-care is marked as narcissism.

Let me be clear that there are plenty of individuals in the generation that may be in fact lazy, delusional, insincere, pampered, or even entitled, however, creating a generalization is not the solution to the genuine troubles of 18-38-year olds.                   

Instead we need to view these researched issues as valuable and give Millennials the skills to thrive and flourish. We need to teach Millennials how to cope with disappointment, emotional discomfort, and instill realistic expectations.  These tools alone would allow Millennials to better manage stress, anxiety, and depression, and in return, show up as more productive, dynamic, and constructive individuals.

Additionally, we need to guide Millennials in finding what is important and meaningful in their lives. By promoting this type of exploration, we will help to support, enthuse, and motivate Millennials to set goals, achieve those goals, and enhance their lives.

In conclusion, I invite you to absorb this information with curiosity and surrender to some of the currently held beliefs that you may be gripping tightly. Remember that Millennials are currently the largest generation and we need them to create a future generation that blossoms. In order for this to occur, we need to support Millennials RIGHT NOW and by setting aide embedded judgment, we can begin that process.

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Guest post written by Paulina Siegel, MSW, LCSW, CAC II

Paulina Siegel, MSW, LCSW, CAC II is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Certified Addiction counselor (CAC II) and master-level trained in mindfulness practice through Be Mindful. Paulina has extensive clinical experience working with teens and millennials struggling with dual-diagnosis, and had the privilege of working with these individuals throughout her community mental health journey (2012-2017). Paulina recently launched her private practice in the Wash Park neighborhood (Courageous Paths Counseling) and exclusive serves teens and millennials (15-38 years of age). Lastly, Paulina is a Gen-Z and Millennial researcher and speaks about the literature in the Denver Metro Area specifically focusing on generational issues. https://courageouspathscounseling.com

Mastering Mindfulness: Supporting Positive Coping

“I want to turn off my mind, catch my breath, feel less tension, sleep better.” The techniques of relaxation and mindfulness have been around for centuries, both in definition and in practice in various cultures. For some, the process of mindfulness describes being aware of your surroundings and slowing down your mind to remain in the present moment. For others, it has become a vital coping skill for anxiety or distress to allow grounding, emotion regulation, focus, and a sense of calm in otherwise difficult situations. So how does one present the ideas of grounding, mindfulness, or relaxation to clients in meeting their individual needs?

Explore the History

For many, the concept of feeling relaxed or calm is experienced rarely due to elevated anxiety or trauma triggers in everyday life. Perhaps you start a session with exploring the times they’ve felt more at peace or relaxed. Even if it were years in the past, this exercise can provide helpful insight into situations or context that allow your client small shifts or temporary relief from discomfort or anxiety.  Questions that might help you explore this with your client include:

• Can you remember a time when you felt calm and relaxed? Can you tell me more about it?
• How does it feel in your body to experience calm or relaxation? What sensations do you experience?
• What has helped you before in feeling calm or relaxed? What makes that different now?

Become Body Aware

Exploring the history of times a client has felt calm or relaxed is but one piece of the puzzle. Depending on the client’s background, trauma history, or the impact fight/flight/freeze reactions, their body may have adapted to the increased stress and cortisol levels in interesting ways.  Some clients will express increased anxiety or panic in response to relaxation, as it feels vulnerable or uncomfortable in their current, adapted state of functioning.  For others, a numbness may exist where they cannot feel their body with possible contributing factors including depression, hypoarousal/freeze response, or desire to maintain self-preservation. Lastly, clients may easily drop into intellectual conversation about their symptoms but avoid experiencing any sensation in their body due to anticipated discomfort or negative arousal.

Keeping client limitations and comfort in mind, it can be helpful to encourage clients to gently become more aware of their body through various therapeutic activities. It is suggested to start with neutral areas of the body and move quickly from one area to another to prevent exacerbation of sensation that would prevent progress or cause a client to retreat from noticing their body out of fear or discomfort. By engaging them in the following activities, you can support a client in building body awareness and distress tolerance in ways that feel safe.

• Body scan-start at your feet and notice any sensations as you move gently upward to your calves, thighs, hips, waist, etc.
• Concentrated body scan-have the client identify neutral or safe areas that aren’t associated with negative sensation like hands, knees or feet.  Have them focus on one area in detail, asking questions about temperature, sensation when touched, and encouraging the client to engage in use of textures and varying touch to explore sensation.
• Colored Glasses-our new favorite intervention from Dr. Dan Siegel in his book Mindsight, obtain or create colored lens glasses for clients to explore varying perspective of objects around them, insight into sensation in low-risk ways, and connection to memory that all support the practice of mindfulness.

Use all Five Senses

All of the above exercises support experiential learning in session. Another favorite tool that can support a client who experiences any negative sensation or experiences hyperarousal or flooding during a therapeutic exercise is to move their attention outside of themselves and into the room as a grounding technique. To do this, you can ask the client to become more aware of the chair underneath them or their feet on their floor.  A few of our favorite tools are listed below that can be helpful in engaging a client outside of their own body.

• 5-4-3-2-1: What are five things in the room that are blue? Four things you can touch? Three things you can hear? Two things you can smell? One thing you can taste?
• Four Elements by Elan Shapiro: 1) Earth/Grounding: what do you see/hear/smell, 2) Air: Take measured breaths, inhale for four counts, exhale for four counts, 3) Water: Take a drink of water, use gum/mints or think of your favorite food to generate saliva, which serves as a calming agent to activate the parasympathetic nervous system and relaxation response, 4) Fire/Light: think of a place real or imagined that makes you feel calm or safe. Can you describe it using your five senses?
• 5 Minute Mindfulness: have the client pick an object to focus on, either in their hands or within sight. Gently direct them to notice all qualities of the object including temperature, texture, color, height, etc. for five minutes duration.

Modeling of Mindfulness

In addition to the mindfulness exercises listed above, it can also be helpful to create a coping kit of objects that can be engaging and cater to all five senses for client use within your office. Many therapists utilize objects such as essential oils, lotion, touchstones, magnets, putty, carved wooden objects, fur, water, and sand to engage clients in mindful practice. As your client discovers which objects are effective for them to practice mindfulness, you may encourage them to purchase and utilize these objects outside of session as well.

Regardless of which tools or techniques you elect to use in support of your clients, it can be even more helpful to notice your own body and energy in the room. By becoming aware of your breath, posture, and energy levels, you can support client in feeling safe or supported to do this work. By practicing alongside your clients, you model what it means to feel grounded or mindful, which is beneficial not only to your client seeking relief, but to yourself as the clinician mindfully engaging each client in their meaningful work and progress towards health.