My Wish for You is More Victory Energy!

Like several couples during COVID-19, my spouse and I have attempted to decompress by watching a show or movie at the end of our work days. Winding down, we happened upon Keeping the Faith (2000) with Edward Norton, Ben Stiller, and Jenna Elfman. Recognizing that neither of us had seen this movie before, it was Jenna Elfman’s character Anna Reilly that I recognized instantly as a Perfectioneur. Anna worked in a corporate office, had confidence and pleasure in her work, and was attached to her cell phone, even going so far as to carry it on a garter while in an evening dress! She was driven. She was respected. She had opportunities to excel within her company. As the plot of the movie advanced, Anna eventually questioned if she worked too much, recognizing that she wanted time for a career and time for quality relationships.

Spoiler alert! Anna, as a healthy Perfectioneur, found she could have both a rewarding job and meaningful relationships! It was reassuring. It was a happy ending. And it was one concept Anna spoke about that really resonated with me as a fellow Perfectioneur. She was talking to the mother of her then-secret romantic partner when she said she wanted someone to share it all with. Share what? Her victory energy. Anna stated she wanted to share her victory energy with a partner at the end of her day. The energy created by accomplishing something so satisfying, it leaves one on an emotional high. Giddy with accomplishment. Energized with enthusiasm. Anna wanted celebrate it and share it with someone she loved. 

As a therapist and entrepreneur, I too want more victory energy. I too want to share it with the person I love. As a therapist, I can’t always share the clinical victories in having to maintain confidentiality. However, I can share the victories of being an entrepreneur of several growing businesses, celebrating creativity with purpose.  

Experience the Victories

The first step in having more victory energy is noticing it. Notice the potential for victory energy, encouraging it to grow stronger. Be self-aware enough to feel the warm fuzzies of it followed by enhancing the way it makes you feel. Find yourself stoking the ember of excitement into a solid flame that warms you from the inside out. You’ve felt this feeling before. For some, it’s the victory of winning at a sporting event. For others, it’s the pleasure you feel after getting great feedback, a promotion, or a new opportunity. It’s euphoric. It’s a rush. And it feels amazing.  Engage your five senses to express victory energy fully. What visuals do you associate with it? What smells? What sounds? Elevate the feeling by noticing it fully, so you don’t miss the chance to feel the pleasure of it.

Understand your Baseline

The challenge of victory energy is that it doesn’t last forever. As humans, we don’t get to feel that high consistently. Our body is structured to return to baseline, representing an average emotional state when absent of stimulation. In other words, you eventually have to come down from the high of victory energy, which can feel disappointing or painful. In fact, author of The Big Leap, Gay Hendricks would say we are prone to subtle self-sabotage to maintain the status quo. If we find ourselves moving into our “Zone of Genius”, what Gay Hendricks describes as our optimal zone for fulfillment, purpose, and happiness, it can be expected that something happens to bring us back to our “Zone of Excellence.” Perhaps due to disbelief that we achieved this higher level of functioning, discomfort at the change, or core beliefs stating that we don’t deserve great things. Hendricks gives examples of sabotage like picking a fight with our spouse after receiving good news, or getting ill after obtaining the job of our dreams. Regardless of how it manifests, it’s important to understand your subconscious reactions to victory energy in order to navigate the challenges and embrace the benefits.

Build your Gratitude Practice

Now that you’re fully aware of the feeling and how fleeting it can be, capture your victory energy in words as part of a gratitude practice. What are you grateful for? What were the contributing factors to foster this feeling? How can you download the experience further, forming it into a pleasant memory to be revisited again and again if desired? Perhaps you engage in a writing exercise to capture the moment. For Anna Reilly, she wanted to share it with someone in real time when making the memory. She wanted to amplify the good feelings of victory energy by feeling the excitement and pleasure of sharing it with someone else. Who would you share your victory energy with? How could their participation assist in keeping the positive feelings flowing and growing?

Victory energy, like gratitude, has the potential to be life-changing. Celebrating success without fear of being cocky. Naming gratitude so we can fully download the experience at a cellular level. However you embrace it, I wish you more victory energy. The powerful practice of mindfulness, gratitude, and connection with others. I wish you more victory energy so that you too can feel the rush of excitement. To feel fully alive. I wish you a happy ending like Anna’s. May your victory energy be plentiful and celebrated with all whom you love.

Bedroom Bliss: Have Better Sex Tonight with this Trick!

Now that I have your attention...

I want to talk about mindfulness. Not the sexy topic you may have expected, but bear with me, I promise I wasnt just teasing you with some clickbait blog title. 

Sex is pleasurable and fun and connecting and even spiritual at times. But F### what Cosmo or Maxim might say, the way good sex happens is not through circus act moves or potions or having the perfect body. Its by being mindful.

Mindfulness is paying attention and choosing your focus on purpose. You can have the best techniques and all the right moves, but if youre doing your taxes in your head or critiquing the size of your butt, you're missing out. You need to be mindful to fully be there to notice your own feelings and pleasure, and to communicate what you need, and to be fully present and connected with your partner. 

Now Cosmo and Maxim aren't totally wrong. New moves, exotic smells, and feeling sexy thanks to the latest health and fashion tips may help. But why do they help?? Because trying something new, using your senses, and feeling confident aid us in staying present and being focused on the moment. 

But you cant expect to go around being a mindless robot, thinking of the past or the future or not thinking at all, and then expect to suddenly be good at staying present for sex. That's crazy. We get good at what we practice. So practice being in your body. Notice when it feels good. Notice what makes it feel good. Get good at staying present with your self. 

Good times to practice tuning into your body are: 1. when you're getting dressed (notice what clothes and textures make you feel sexy and sensual), 2. when you're bored (often we self soothe when bored. Do you play with your hair or rub your neck or tickle your arm or ???), 3. When you dance or exercise (its a great opportunity to be in your body and pay attention to sensations in your body that give you pleasure) 4. When you masturbate (if you don't know how to turn yourself on, you will struggle to guide your partner)

Another quick mindfulness practice to jump start your practice. Do this as often as you like to use your five senses to be more aware of the present moment.

1. Notice 5 things you can see right now
2. Notice 4 things you can hear right now
3. Notice 3 things you can touch right now
4. Notice 2 things you can smell right now
5. Notice 1 thing you can taste right now.

So, since sex sells, heres reason #592 for practicing mindfulness consistantly: being more mindful will make you a better lover!

Namaste. Happy practicing!

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Guest post written by Erika Holmes MA, MFT

Erika Holmes MA, MFT, lead clinician at Colorado Couples and Family Therapy (www.coloradocft.com) is a  native Californian who now lives and works in beautiful Denver Colorado. With over 10 years of clinical experience both in agency work and in private practice, her work has included individual, couples, and family therapy, group therapy, parenting classes, behavioral assessments, and professional consultations. Her special areas of interest and training include working with 20 – 40-year-old sassy women, people in distressed relationships, people with mood disorders, trauma, eating disorders, and borderline personality disorder. She has also been privileged to contribute to "Rehab with Dr. Drew" and "The Mental Illness Happy Hour" podcast and "Paleo Baby" podcast. 

Mastering Mindfulness: Supporting Positive Coping

“I want to turn off my mind, catch my breath, feel less tension, sleep better.” The techniques of relaxation and mindfulness have been around for centuries, both in definition and in practice in various cultures. For some, the process of mindfulness describes being aware of your surroundings and slowing down your mind to remain in the present moment. For others, it has become a vital coping skill for anxiety or distress to allow grounding, emotion regulation, focus, and a sense of calm in otherwise difficult situations. So how does one present the ideas of grounding, mindfulness, or relaxation to clients in meeting their individual needs?

Explore the History

For many, the concept of feeling relaxed or calm is experienced rarely due to elevated anxiety or trauma triggers in everyday life. Perhaps you start a session with exploring the times they’ve felt more at peace or relaxed. Even if it were years in the past, this exercise can provide helpful insight into situations or context that allow your client small shifts or temporary relief from discomfort or anxiety.  Questions that might help you explore this with your client include:

• Can you remember a time when you felt calm and relaxed? Can you tell me more about it?
• How does it feel in your body to experience calm or relaxation? What sensations do you experience?
• What has helped you before in feeling calm or relaxed? What makes that different now?

Become Body Aware

Exploring the history of times a client has felt calm or relaxed is but one piece of the puzzle. Depending on the client’s background, trauma history, or the impact fight/flight/freeze reactions, their body may have adapted to the increased stress and cortisol levels in interesting ways.  Some clients will express increased anxiety or panic in response to relaxation, as it feels vulnerable or uncomfortable in their current, adapted state of functioning.  For others, a numbness may exist where they cannot feel their body with possible contributing factors including depression, hypoarousal/freeze response, or desire to maintain self-preservation. Lastly, clients may easily drop into intellectual conversation about their symptoms but avoid experiencing any sensation in their body due to anticipated discomfort or negative arousal.

Keeping client limitations and comfort in mind, it can be helpful to encourage clients to gently become more aware of their body through various therapeutic activities. It is suggested to start with neutral areas of the body and move quickly from one area to another to prevent exacerbation of sensation that would prevent progress or cause a client to retreat from noticing their body out of fear or discomfort. By engaging them in the following activities, you can support a client in building body awareness and distress tolerance in ways that feel safe.

• Body scan-start at your feet and notice any sensations as you move gently upward to your calves, thighs, hips, waist, etc.
• Concentrated body scan-have the client identify neutral or safe areas that aren’t associated with negative sensation like hands, knees or feet.  Have them focus on one area in detail, asking questions about temperature, sensation when touched, and encouraging the client to engage in use of textures and varying touch to explore sensation.
• Colored Glasses-our new favorite intervention from Dr. Dan Siegel in his book Mindsight, obtain or create colored lens glasses for clients to explore varying perspective of objects around them, insight into sensation in low-risk ways, and connection to memory that all support the practice of mindfulness.

Use all Five Senses

All of the above exercises support experiential learning in session. Another favorite tool that can support a client who experiences any negative sensation or experiences hyperarousal or flooding during a therapeutic exercise is to move their attention outside of themselves and into the room as a grounding technique. To do this, you can ask the client to become more aware of the chair underneath them or their feet on their floor.  A few of our favorite tools are listed below that can be helpful in engaging a client outside of their own body.

• 5-4-3-2-1: What are five things in the room that are blue? Four things you can touch? Three things you can hear? Two things you can smell? One thing you can taste?
• Four Elements by Elan Shapiro: 1) Earth/Grounding: what do you see/hear/smell, 2) Air: Take measured breaths, inhale for four counts, exhale for four counts, 3) Water: Take a drink of water, use gum/mints or think of your favorite food to generate saliva, which serves as a calming agent to activate the parasympathetic nervous system and relaxation response, 4) Fire/Light: think of a place real or imagined that makes you feel calm or safe. Can you describe it using your five senses?
• 5 Minute Mindfulness: have the client pick an object to focus on, either in their hands or within sight. Gently direct them to notice all qualities of the object including temperature, texture, color, height, etc. for five minutes duration.

Modeling of Mindfulness

In addition to the mindfulness exercises listed above, it can also be helpful to create a coping kit of objects that can be engaging and cater to all five senses for client use within your office. Many therapists utilize objects such as essential oils, lotion, touchstones, magnets, putty, carved wooden objects, fur, water, and sand to engage clients in mindful practice. As your client discovers which objects are effective for them to practice mindfulness, you may encourage them to purchase and utilize these objects outside of session as well.

Regardless of which tools or techniques you elect to use in support of your clients, it can be even more helpful to notice your own body and energy in the room. By becoming aware of your breath, posture, and energy levels, you can support client in feeling safe or supported to do this work. By practicing alongside your clients, you model what it means to feel grounded or mindful, which is beneficial not only to your client seeking relief, but to yourself as the clinician mindfully engaging each client in their meaningful work and progress towards health.