Bedroom Bliss: Have Better Sex Tonight with this Trick!

Now that I have your attention...

I want to talk about mindfulness. Not the sexy topic you may have expected, but bear with me, I promise I wasnt just teasing you with some clickbait blog title. 

Sex is pleasurable and fun and connecting and even spiritual at times. But F### what Cosmo or Maxim might say, the way good sex happens is not through circus act moves or potions or having the perfect body. Its by being mindful.

Mindfulness is paying attention and choosing your focus on purpose. You can have the best techniques and all the right moves, but if youre doing your taxes in your head or critiquing the size of your butt, you're missing out. You need to be mindful to fully be there to notice your own feelings and pleasure, and to communicate what you need, and to be fully present and connected with your partner. 

Now Cosmo and Maxim aren't totally wrong. New moves, exotic smells, and feeling sexy thanks to the latest health and fashion tips may help. But why do they help?? Because trying something new, using your senses, and feeling confident aid us in staying present and being focused on the moment. 

But you cant expect to go around being a mindless robot, thinking of the past or the future or not thinking at all, and then expect to suddenly be good at staying present for sex. That's crazy. We get good at what we practice. So practice being in your body. Notice when it feels good. Notice what makes it feel good. Get good at staying present with your self. 

Good times to practice tuning into your body are: 1. when you're getting dressed (notice what clothes and textures make you feel sexy and sensual), 2. when you're bored (often we self soothe when bored. Do you play with your hair or rub your neck or tickle your arm or ???), 3. When you dance or exercise (its a great opportunity to be in your body and pay attention to sensations in your body that give you pleasure) 4. When you masturbate (if you don't know how to turn yourself on, you will struggle to guide your partner)

Another quick mindfulness practice to jump start your practice. Do this as often as you like to use your five senses to be more aware of the present moment.

1. Notice 5 things you can see right now
2. Notice 4 things you can hear right now
3. Notice 3 things you can touch right now
4. Notice 2 things you can smell right now
5. Notice 1 thing you can taste right now.

So, since sex sells, heres reason #592 for practicing mindfulness consistantly: being more mindful will make you a better lover!

Namaste. Happy practicing!

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Guest post written by Erika Holmes MA, MFT

Erika Holmes MA, MFT, lead clinician at Colorado Couples and Family Therapy (www.coloradocft.com) is a  native Californian who now lives and works in beautiful Denver Colorado. With over 10 years of clinical experience both in agency work and in private practice, her work has included individual, couples, and family therapy, group therapy, parenting classes, behavioral assessments, and professional consultations. Her special areas of interest and training include working with 20 – 40-year-old sassy women, people in distressed relationships, people with mood disorders, trauma, eating disorders, and borderline personality disorder. She has also been privileged to contribute to "Rehab with Dr. Drew" and "The Mental Illness Happy Hour" podcast and "Paleo Baby" podcast. 

Staying Present: Finding Focus in Session

In my years in practice, I find building a rapport with the client and being able to stay present during intense moments are of utmost importance. In order to make progress, a foundation must be built where the client feels safe and supported. Below you will find useful techniques in building a rapport and staying present with your client during sessions.

Building Rapport

• Ask the client what specific goals they have for therapy.
• Make sure the client knows that you are there for them, so if perhaps they deviate from the goals they were working on and/or want to talk about something else during a session, allow them to so.
• Do not impose your views or beliefs on your client.
• Be nurturing, empathetic and non-judgmental.
• Ask how we will know they are making progress or have met a specific goal.
• Each session, ask what the client may need to explore how the session is productive for them.
• Encourage the client to voice his/her opinion in the session. If the client does not agree or like something you as the therapist says, make sure you create an atmosphere where they know they can bring that up without negative consequences.
• Stay present with the client during intense moments, and during all moments.

Staying Present

Helpful techniques in doing so include but are not limited to:

• Ask the client what it was like for them to say that (whatever it is they shared that was painful) out loud.
• Thank the client for trusting you with the information.
• Validate the client’s feeling during those moments. “that sounds so painful, sad, terrifying.”
• Be comfortable with silence.
• Allow the client to process through at their speed.
• Tell the client you are there for them, with them, that there is no judgment.
• Before the session ends, ask the client if there is anything they need to help them transition back into their day.
• Make sure you (the therapist) know what you need to care for yourself.
• Yoga, meditation, and exercise may help.
• In order to stay present, we need to be one hundred percent focused on the client; make sure you seek out your own therapist if needed.

I find these tools useful in my practice and hope you will too.

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Guest post written by Trisha Swintom, LPC, LMFT

Trisha Swinton, LPC, LMFT is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Trisha is currently in private practice and has been practicing for about 14 years. She currently works with adults providing individual and couples therapy. Her educational background includes a Bachelor’s degree in Elementary Education, a Master’s degree in Special Education and a Master’s degree in Community Counseling with an emphasis on marriage and family therapy.

http://www.trishaswintoncounseling.com