Now that I have your attention...
I want to talk about mindfulness. Not the sexy topic you may have expected, but bear with me, I promise I wasnt just teasing you with some clickbait blog title.
Sex is pleasurable and fun and connecting and even spiritual at times. But F### what Cosmo or Maxim might say, the way good sex happens is not through circus act moves or potions or having the perfect body. Its by being mindful.
Mindfulness is paying attention and choosing your focus on purpose. You can have the best techniques and all the right moves, but if youre doing your taxes in your head or critiquing the size of your butt, you're missing out. You need to be mindful to fully be there to notice your own feelings and pleasure, and to communicate what you need, and to be fully present and connected with your partner.
Now Cosmo and Maxim aren't totally wrong. New moves, exotic smells, and feeling sexy thanks to the latest health and fashion tips may help. But why do they help?? Because trying something new, using your senses, and feeling confident aid us in staying present and being focused on the moment.
But you cant expect to go around being a mindless robot, thinking of the past or the future or not thinking at all, and then expect to suddenly be good at staying present for sex. That's crazy. We get good at what we practice. So practice being in your body. Notice when it feels good. Notice what makes it feel good. Get good at staying present with your self.
Good times to practice tuning into your body are: 1. when you're getting dressed (notice what clothes and textures make you feel sexy and sensual), 2. when you're bored (often we self soothe when bored. Do you play with your hair or rub your neck or tickle your arm or ???), 3. When you dance or exercise (its a great opportunity to be in your body and pay attention to sensations in your body that give you pleasure) 4. When you masturbate (if you don't know how to turn yourself on, you will struggle to guide your partner)
Another quick mindfulness practice to jump start your practice. Do this as often as you like to use your five senses to be more aware of the present moment.
- Notice 5 things you can see right now
- Notice 4 things you can hear right now
- Notice 3 things you can touch right now
- Notice 2 things you can smell right now
- Notice 1 thing you can taste right now.
So, since sex sells, heres reason #592 for practicing mindfulness consistantly: being more mindful will make you a better lover!
Namaste. Happy practicing!
Erika Holmes MA, MFT, lead clinician at Colorado Couples and Family Therapy (www.coloradocft.com) is a native Californian who now lives and works in beautiful Denver Colorado. With over 10 years of clinical experience both in agency work and in private practice, her work has included individual, couples, and family therapy, group therapy, parenting classes, behavioral assessments, and professional consultations. Her special areas of interest and training include working with 20 – 40-year-old sassy women, people in distressed relationships, people with mood disorders, trauma, eating disorders, and borderline personality disorder. She has also been privileged to contribute to "Rehab with Dr. Drew" and "The Mental Illness Happy Hour" podcast and "Paleo Baby" podcast.