The Human in the Helper: I felt better pregnant than any other time in my adult life

Emily is passionate about mental health, Medicaid practices, and her pre-teen daughter. She serves as a consultant to therapy practices taking Medicaid and to folks wanting to build quality substance treatment programs that meet community needs. Although she’s feeling strong mentally and physically these days, she’s suffered from depression on and off in adulthood since college. Then Emily got pregnant and stopped her antidepressant. “It wasn’t contraindicated, but I wanted to be extra cautious.”

Although her pregnancy was labeled geriatric because of her age, Emily reported she felt her healthiest while pregnant, both physically and mentally. She remembers wanting to go with the flow regarding labor and delivery, which was the plan until her daughter decided to come 10 days late. At that point, her doctors scheduled an induction that she felt catapulted her into some postpartum depression and anxiety symptoms. “I remember questioning if I should have had a child. They kept us at the hospital for a few days because my daughter had jaundice. I struggled to breastfeed.”

Emily isn’t the only woman to notice a dramatic shift in mood based on the hormonal changes of postpartum. Because of her history with depression, she felt like she knew more what to look for, even if it took her awhile to seek support. “I didn’t have a therapist or medication provider at the time. That could have made my timeline to getting help look different,” she reflected. Emily noticed depression, anxiety, and being quick to cry as some symptoms that things weren’t right. “I was quick to cry and I’m not a crier.” Amidst balancing being a new mom, she shifted jobs postpartum as well. Unfortunately, her symptoms got worse before they got better.

“My relationship was impacted by my mood.” She realized things weren’t sustainable as they were, even with a schedule change, which resulted in separating from her daughter’s father. “I know now we weren’t compatible.” At the time of the separation, Emily was hard on herself, adding the relationship end to her list of things she didn’t feel she was doing well. Then she got the support she needed to regulate her hormones again.

In the present, Emily holds a lot of compassion for colleagues who are trying to balance work with being a new parent. “All these things that we think we are prepared for, we’re not. Be forgiving of yourself.” She encourages new parents to go with the flow, while also recognizing how hard this is when caring for an infant. Adjusting and embracing parenthood isn’t a perfect science, but Emily wants people to feel hopeful that things will get better. If colleagues find themselves getting stuck in the “shoulds” of parenting or work-life demands, Emily suggests channeling our inner therapists for some added gentleness towards ourselves. “Think of things you would work on with your client. Notice what you would say to them and say those things to yourself.”

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

The Human in the Helper: It’s easier to prioritize our kids over ourselves

Jenny knows what it’s like to juggle many roles. At one point in the pandemic, she was running a small private practice, a second business of an online community, and working a full time job with a toddler at home. When her second child arrived, she was grateful for family to be present immediately after her son’s birth, an experience she didn’t get with her daughter who was born in September 2020. Jenny brought their son home, and days later noticed a rash developing on his tiny body but thought it was related to the 100 plus degree heat of Houston where they live. At her son’s check up, the doctor had concerns. “She calmly said, ‘you’re going to the emergency room now.’ I felt like I was in the dark as to what was going on but took him right away so they could run tests,” Jenny recalled. Her son was nine days old and remained in the hospital for three days as they waited for test results.

Jenny’s son had a staph infection. Although it was a relief to know the cause and receive treatment, Jenny found herself in self-blame. “Did I cause this to happen? Were there too many people around him at his birth? Should I have done something different?” Jenny isn’t alone in having these thoughts as a woman and mother. “I struggle to accept help. I tend to not rely on others and do things myself.” But as she stayed in the hospital with her son, relying on her spouse and others to keep things going at home was necessary.

A second opportunity to accept help from loved ones came when her son got a second staph infection at two months old while visiting family in Colorado. Jenny found herself telling clients about her son as she needed to cancel and reschedule appointments in order to address his needs. “It’s easier to prioritize our kids needs over our own,” Jenny reflected. She wants to operate from a ‘family comes first’ place but recognizes how that can feel challenging to herself and others when holding the role of primary earner in a household.

Figuring out our own needs as therapists and small business owners is a work in progress. Jenny had to learn how to slow down to meet her own needs. “Our bodies tell us when they’ve been ignored and neglected, and then we don’t have a choice in how to practice self-care.” As a mom, woman, and therapist who keeps others’ needs in mind, Jenny named the experience as “weaponized self-care, how are we supposed to do that?” She spoke to how it felt hypocritical to help clients and colleagues practice self-care when she wasn’t doing it well herself. Now she gives herself more grace and owns it when it happens. “I’m trying to model self-care but it’s not perfect,” she said.

Being a mom of two small children has also influenced her approach to self-care. “Our kids are purely living in the present, they model this for us. It’s also how we can recognize we aren’t taking care of ourselves in that present moment.” Jenny brings this insight into her online community for trauma therapists, who are working on their own journeys of balance and self-care. “We can join kids in the present moment, supporting healing and self-care through meaningful connection.”

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

The Human in the Helper: I was overwhelmed by how angry I felt

Julia is a mom and therapist who values working from an attachment lens with her clients. Becoming a new parent in the pandemic has also influenced her therapeutic work in ways she didn’t expect. “I was lonely. My husband was renovating our house and I was alone with our baby.” Julia describes feeling isolated and missing her supports due to them not being able to travel in the early stages of COVID-19. The absence of her spouse every day—who was attempting to make a house ready to become their home—and the absence of friends and family sparked anger in Julia. “I was overwhelmed by how angry I felt.” Although she felt loving and present with her son, Julia described significant anger showing up anytime she was apart from him and able to feel her feelings. “Then I felt shame for feeling so angry.”

Julia knew she needed to better understand where the anger was coming from. “Reading the book ‘Burn It Down’ really validated my feelings.” She discovered that many women’s postpartum experiences involve anger or rage in addition to anxiety and depression. That it wasn’t unusual to feel anger followed by shame. Julia knew that part of her feelings of anger was due to missing supports that would normalize her experiences and allow her to vent in healthy ways. “Feeling our anger allows it to move, which allows us to let go of shame.” Julia didn’t have this opportunity in the earliest stages of her parenting.

Since resources were limited in the pandemic, Julia found herself leaning on her lactation consultant, who would mask up and visit the home, reassuring Julia that her experiences were normal. “She was like a therapist, she was an angel.” Julia found things shifting for the better when her family was able to move into the renovated house and she was seeing her husband more regularly again. Then she started being able to interact with friends and family, which also improved her mental health.

Working with adults and fellow parents, Julia reflects on how her postpartum and parenting experiences have expanded her compassion for other parents. “I can see how they are stretched thin trying to parent and work,” she shared. As a therapist who operates from attachment and Internal Family Systems (IFS) lenses, Julia says the grace and compassion she has for other parents has only increased with her own lived experience as a parent who has battled anger and shame. She recognizes that without the validation of others and supports in place, mental health is negatively impacted. “What I learned about anger is why it’s here and how normal it is,” Julia shared.

Now Julia offers a parents of toddlers group where other women speak about their anger. It’s the community and safe space Julia was craving herself in a critical moment of her postpartum journey. “When unresolved anger turns inward, or when it’s not expressed appropriately, it makes us sick.” Julia is determined to create spaces for anger and shame to be expressed so they don’t fester and make people worse. She has noticed how suppressed emotions contribute to mental health conditions and wants things to be different for women and mothers. “My understanding of anger has given me a whole new perspective on mental health,” Julia named. Through IFS parts work, Julia is helping clients better understand their anger so they can process it appropriately. “Anger is here for a reason,” she shared, “we just have to discover why it’s here.”

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

Five Tips for Talking to Kids about Estrangement

“Mom, why don’t you talk to Grandma?”

Being an adult in a family with estranged loved ones feels challenging. Being a child witnessing that dynamic can be even more difficult. What does an adult daughter say to her child who asks why she doesn’t have a grandma? How do the adults in a child’s life explain estrangement? What can be shared when a child comes home with a family tree assignment and asks why they don’t have lots of family members like other kids? 

Over the years, child therapists and grief experts have emphasized the importance of straightforward and truthful answers to children regarding all sorts of difficult topics, including death and suicide. When it comes to the emotionally charged topic of estrangement, the same rules can apply. Let’s look at five tips for speaking to kids about estrangement:

1. Keep it Short and Straightforward

You may have heard of the acronym KISS. In our example, KISS stands for Keep it Short and Straightforward. The length of the explanation is directly related to the child’sage. Meaning a short, simple answer for a young child and a potentially longer, more detailed explanation for a teenager who wants to know what happened. Straightforward is important to emphasize because it captures the importance of being honest in our disclosures as parents. Just as mental health professionals would dissuade a parent from encouraging a child to view death as “the person is just sleeping,” to avoid or lie about a family estrangement could also backfire and have harmful consequences. 

2. Breathe

It’s understandable that your child’s questions about the estrangement can bring up emotions for you. It’s also not uncommon to overshare when feeling anxious or irritated. A great way to keep your emotions in check is to take a breath and ask your child what they want to know about the estrangement. Their answer may surprise you! 

3. Share as Much as They Want to Know

Don’t panic! As we alluded to in the previous tip, kids may have a simple thing they want to know that surprises you. They may have a quick question that doesn’t warrant significant anxiety, like asking where the person lives or if they look like anyone else in the family, or how old they are. Or they may want to know more about the conflict that led up to the estrangement, which would warrant a more detailed response. Even in this instance, taking a moment to pause allows you to remain mindful of what you share, keeping it focused on simple, straightforward details while grounding yourself in your emotions to avoid unintentionally oversharing with your child.

4. Validate their Feelings

It goes without saying that acknowledging your child’s emotions can go a long way in this conversation. How are they feeling with the information you shared? What if they are feeling sad, angry, or confused? Do they feel it’s safe to express these emotions to you?

5. Encourage other questions if they have them now or in the future.

Sometimes kids don’t know what other questions they have until they have some time to process what you’ve already shared. By saying out loud that they are welcome to ask other questions at any time provides a sense of reassurance and safety that it’s okay to come to you with questions, which most parents want their kids to do when navigating difficult topics of all kinds.

What would you add? With one in 12 people being estranged from at least one family member, the likelihood of kids having questions about family estrangement is pretty high. Check out our model of this conversation in our children’s book Penny McGee’s Family Tree: Talking to kids about estrangement. You can do this!

Mommy Mayo Must-Haves for 9-12 Month Olds

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. 

Hi readers! This is the last of the Mommy Wants Mayonnaise series, at least for now as I prepare for other fun projects in 2023! I wanted to feature toys that grow with baby, making them feel that much more worthwhile to invest in knowing they will be used for many more months of exploration and play! I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Jolly Jumper

#2 Skip Hop Baby Activity Center

#3 Sit to Stand Toy

#4 Fisher Price Giant Activity Book

#5 Looikoos Musical Instruments Set

1. Jolly Jumper-The perfect fit for an active infant, we love how this jumper can be moved around both inside and outside since it’s a free standing frame. As baby grows, it can also be made into a fort with the purchase of a canvas tent cover!

2. Skip Hop Baby Activity Center-As popular choice, it encourages independent play and standing! After they age out of the middle seat, the tray can be inserted into the top for continued play and coloring as baby grows!

3. Sit to Stand Toy-a favorite in our household, we have enjoyed watching baby girl learn to stand and walk. She will be pushing this around the living room in no time!

4. Fisher Price Giant Activity Book-A fun Christmas find, we love how this moves from a flat interactive book to a sitting and standing toy for many more months of play!

5. Looikoos Musical Instruments Set-A thoughtful holiday gift from Auntie, this toy is eco-friendly, free of excess paints/colors, and encourages exploration of music outside of baby girl’s favorite music classes!

Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Vulnerability was My Word for 2022

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

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Hi Readers!

My word for 2022 was vulnerability. It’s a word I’d chosen thoughtfully, knowing it has been pivotal to my professional growth as a public speaker and trainer since 2019 and could be embraced even more so in my current goals. I also anticipated that it would come into play as a new mother in 2022, but could not even begin to imagine how much it would be a part of my life for my daughter’s first 10 months of life! I expected vulnerability to show up in a shifting identity (it did). I predicted that vulnerability would be a part of my experience when asking for help (it was). I was surprised at the vulnerability of naming to my spouse and family members how I wanted to change up my work ethic to be with her as much as possible (it has). 

Yet where vulnerability really showed up in full force was when my daughter got her first cold right before Thanksgiving. Parents share how hard it is to see their young child not feeling well. The lethargy, the fussiness, the clinginess, and the disruption to sleep. I honestly felt like I could handle those things when it was just a head cold, but then she got RSV the week immediately after, with no real respite in between. To make matters worse, I got sick right alongside her. After all, what parent is going to withhold affection or closeness when their baby is sick? I couldn’t bear the thought of staying away from her knowing that proximity and cuddles were helping her, in addition to regularly breastfeeding for food and comfort. So I wasn’t truly surprised to get symptoms alongside her, it was really just the matter of a perfect storm. 

I felt exposed and uncertain, truly vulnerable in response to two weeks of not feeling at 100% functional. Adding to the vulnerability, in addition to both my daughter and I getting sick, my sister, mom, and niece all got symptoms of RSV too. What an impact that had on our lives! I have been lucky to have parents who enjoy watching their granddaughters so my sister and I can work our own businesses. So in a matter of one day confirmed by the pediatrician, we were all pivoting to be more isolated from one another, resulting in a loss of childcare, social support, and reassurance in the face of vulnerability as a first-time parent of a sick baby. 

To make matters worse, my spouse was scheduled to be out of town traveling for four days, which arrived just as the RSV symptoms were making themselves known in my daughter’s body and my own. I had plenty of pity parties in my spouse’s absence as I attempted to give myself permission to rest and care for our baby, canceling a day of work and restricting us to our house for a long, four day weekend. On the bright side, I hadn’t actually confirmed any social plans that weekend so it was really easy to stay home. And yet the isolation made the vulnerability that much stronger. Was I doing this right? Was I doing enough? What if we didn’t get better by the next work week? What do I do about childcare if my parents aren’t on the mend? What will I tell my clients? Under some understandable stress, I had to embrace the vulnerability of not having all the answers–or solutions–figured out yet. It forced me to live in the moment and focus on rest and fluids for baby girl and myself as the top priority, with the next week remaining a giant question mark.

In the meantime, I recognize my experience as a first-time parent isn’t unique. There are plenty of parents who are stressed, overwhelmed, or devastated when their babies get sick. Here were a couple things that helped us battle RSV amidst so many other families this time of year.

#1 Top Loading Humidifier

#2 Lolleez Organic Sore Throat Soothing Pops

Zarbee’s Baby Soothing Chest Rub

#4 Hooded Towel

My spouse returned from his trip and I sat down to write this blog, knowing that the writing itself would be another way to process all that had happened. But we weren’t done yet. Not much later, my spouse indicated something was going on and he was worried he was contagious. Enter Week 3 of illness and vulnerability. My spouse had to keep his distance from myself and the baby as he got out of the window of contagion, and yet this time, I didn’t feel as alone. He was home, he tried to help where he could, and I knew that our daughter and I were almost through our symptoms, which made it that much more manageable. I am grateful to say we are all around 99% back to ourselves now and see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Curious what my word is for 2023? STREAMLINE. For lots of reasons! Until then, vulnerability has decided to show me it’s next level and I’m hopeful we are all stronger for it.

1. Humidifier–This top loading humidifier is a nightly blessing in our household where humidity is low and dry noses are frequent. With the congestion, coughing, and goopy nose and eyes of RSV, the humidifier became even more important every night!

2. Lolleez Organic Sore Throat Soothing Pops-my sister dropped these off in wanting to make sure my milk supply wasn’t negatively impacted by menthol in some cough drops. These taste like jam and still do the trick to soothe sore throats and reduce coughing!

3. Zarbee’s Soothing Chest Rub- nostalgic to those of us raised on Vicks Vapor Rub, here’s a safe and soothing baby version for congestion!

4. Hooded Towels- A favorite of mine to give at baby showers, the hooded towel helps when you are challenged to juggle a wet baby (by yourself) when navigating in and out of the tub or shower!

Mommy Wants Mayonnaise Must-Haves for Dads

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

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Hi readers! I couldn’t leave out the dads and their favorites things as new parents! From practical to playful, I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Car Seat Protector

#2 Medela Sterilizing Bags

#3 Lovies

#4 Kinder Fluff Window Covers

#5 Glow in the Dark Blanket

1. Car Seat Protector–with mesh pockets for storing toys and the ability to blend in while protecting seats, the Daddy in Mommy Wants Mayonnaise was quick to buy a second one for his car after seeing the first one in action!

2. Medela Sterilizing Bags–a huge time saver when sterlizing bottles and nursing equipment. It helps Daddy stay on top of the materials while reducing the time needed to clean so he can get in a few more cuddles with baby instead!

3. Lovies–Daddy appreciates the comfort objects that support baby in adjusting to new places or longer car rides, especially if they can soothe baby when mommy isn’t readily available. Have mommy sleep with it or wear it around her neck to capture her scent that soothes baby. A plus? They are affordable so buy two just in case one gets misplaced!

4. Kinder Fluff Window Covers- Daddy in Mommy Wants Mayonnaise got excited that these were designed by pilots to block out UV rays and he loves the ease of putting them up on sunny days to protect baby in the car. A secondary function? If you need privacy, these are easy to put up when nursing baby in the back seat!

5. Glow in the Dark Blanket- Daddy’s favorite, it’s soft and glows in the dark, two things he enjoys as much as baby for mutual naps together!

Mommy Wants Mayonnaise Must-Haves for Infants 6-9 Months

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. 

Hi readers! Now I’m grateful to share my favorite things for parents of infants 6-9 months and my reasoning for why they rank in the top five must-haves! I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Stacking Cups

#2 Learning Walker

#3 Wooden Puzzles

#4 Triple Paste Diaper Cream

#5 Baby Spoons

1. Stacking Cups–the best five dollars we’ve spent on a toy! Stackable and serves as great practice for drinking from cups in the future.

2. Learning Walker–Great for babies who love to stand and are ready to engage in play sitting, standing, and eventually pushing.

3. Wooden Puzzles–made of bright colors and made of wood that can be stacked, this toy helps a baby develop hand-eye coordination.

4. Triple Paste Diaper Cream–this stuff is magic. It’s worked better than other popular brands of diaper rash cream and is affordable too! 

5. Baby Spoons–as baby starts to play with purees and solids, having soft, chewable spoons can help them get excited about eating. Best tip we’ve received so far? Have some spoons for play and some for eating, this helps baby focus on the food instead of the spoon.

Mommy Wants Mayonnaise Must-Haves for Infants 3-6 Months

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. 

Hi readers! I’m excited to share my favorite things for parents of infants 3-6 months and my reasoning for why they rank in the top five must-haves! I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Penguin Teether

#2 Indestructibles Books

#3 Frozen Teethers

#4 Bathtub Shampoo Rinser

#5 Carrots Toy

1. Penguin Teether–An adorable teether that is easy for baby to grip, we found this teether was a favorite for it’s nipple-shaped ends and soft silicone. It’s shape and easy hand-holding design made it ideal for playing in the pool too!

2. Indestructibles Books–Gifted to us, we became instant fans of these books. Bright and colorful, their indestructible design allows baby to chew, pull, shake, and bend the books in their enthusiasm with no stress from parents.

3. Frozen teethers–A must-have for infants who start getting teeth! These ones have a satisfying texture that is easy to refrigerate and clean.

4. Bathtub Rinse–Soft-sided and easy to hold and clean, this is the perfect bathtub accessory that serves a function of rinsing a baby’s hair while also allowing some water play!

5. Carrots Toy–Although this toy should be used only under supervision, it’s a favorite for a teething baby and supports development of motor skills. Not to mention they are crafted well and have an appealing design for both baby and parent.

Mommy Wants Mayonnaise Must-Haves for Infants 0-3 Months

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. 

Hi readers! Here’s the list of my favorite things for parents of infants 0-3 months old! As well as my reasoning for why they rank in the top five must-haves! I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Bibs

#2 Crinkle Book

#3 Sophie the Giraffe Teether

#4 Stroller Fan

#5 Carter’s Rompers

1. Bibs–I know some parents won’t be a fan of the strings so be sure to remove them before naps. However, their soft material that mimics baby’s burp cloths and the scalloped edges make them ideal for parents who want something functional and fashionable without being distracting. Super absorbent and easy to swap after spit up, these have saved us from multiple wardrobe changes a day and never-ending loads of laundry!

2. Crinkle book–For baby’s first book, this one is a favorite! A satisfying crinkle sound and lots of black and white designs make it eye catching and fun for an infant who is still developing their ability to see color. Easy to clean and clips to a car seat for babies on the go.

3. Sophie the Giraffe Teether–This teether goes everywhere with our daughter. Easy to grip, she gets a satisfying chew and the rubber has a nostalgic smell for parents!

4. Stroller fan–This is the ultimate game-changer for babies who get too hot in cars or on walks during hot weather months. With its octopus legs, it attaches easily to all sorts of surfaces and the light source is helpful to see your baby in the backseat on early morning drives when it’s not quite light out.

5. Carter’s Rompers–for parents whose infants hate having onesies pulled over their heads or who require multiple changes after a blowout, these rompers are cute and so easy to put on with the snaps down the front. Our daughter wore these all summer with ease.