Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Vulnerability was My Word for 2022

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Hi Readers!

My word for 2022 was vulnerability. It’s a word I’d chosen thoughtfully, knowing it has been pivotal to my professional growth as a public speaker and trainer since 2019 and could be embraced even more so in my current goals. I also anticipated that it would come into play as a new mother in 2022, but could not even begin to imagine how much it would be a part of my life for my daughter’s first 10 months of life! I expected vulnerability to show up in a shifting identity (it did). I predicted that vulnerability would be a part of my experience when asking for help (it was). I was surprised at the vulnerability of naming to my spouse and family members how I wanted to change up my work ethic to be with her as much as possible (it has). 

Yet where vulnerability really showed up in full force was when my daughter got her first cold right before Thanksgiving. Parents share how hard it is to see their young child not feeling well. The lethargy, the fussiness, the clinginess, and the disruption to sleep. I honestly felt like I could handle those things when it was just a head cold, but then she got RSV the week immediately after, with no real respite in between. To make matters worse, I got sick right alongside her. After all, what parent is going to withhold affection or closeness when their baby is sick? I couldn’t bear the thought of staying away from her knowing that proximity and cuddles were helping her, in addition to regularly breastfeeding for food and comfort. So I wasn’t truly surprised to get symptoms alongside her, it was really just the matter of a perfect storm. 

I felt exposed and uncertain, truly vulnerable in response to two weeks of not feeling at 100% functional. Adding to the vulnerability, in addition to both my daughter and I getting sick, my sister, mom, and niece all got symptoms of RSV too. What an impact that had on our lives! I have been lucky to have parents who enjoy watching their granddaughters so my sister and I can work our own businesses. So in a matter of one day confirmed by the pediatrician, we were all pivoting to be more isolated from one another, resulting in a loss of childcare, social support, and reassurance in the face of vulnerability as a first-time parent of a sick baby. 

To make matters worse, my spouse was scheduled to be out of town traveling for four days, which arrived just as the RSV symptoms were making themselves known in my daughter’s body and my own. I had plenty of pity parties in my spouse’s absence as I attempted to give myself permission to rest and care for our baby, canceling a day of work and restricting us to our house for a long, four day weekend. On the bright side, I hadn’t actually confirmed any social plans that weekend so it was really easy to stay home. And yet the isolation made the vulnerability that much stronger. Was I doing this right? Was I doing enough? What if we didn’t get better by the next work week? What do I do about childcare if my parents aren’t on the mend? What will I tell my clients? Under some understandable stress, I had to embrace the vulnerability of not having all the answers–or solutions–figured out yet. It forced me to live in the moment and focus on rest and fluids for baby girl and myself as the top priority, with the next week remaining a giant question mark.

In the meantime, I recognize my experience as a first-time parent isn’t unique. There are plenty of parents who are stressed, overwhelmed, or devastated when their babies get sick. Here were a couple things that helped us battle RSV amidst so many other families this time of year.

#1 Top Loading Humidifier

#2 Lolleez Organic Sore Throat Soothing Pops

Zarbee’s Baby Soothing Chest Rub

#4 Hooded Towel

My spouse returned from his trip and I sat down to write this blog, knowing that the writing itself would be another way to process all that had happened. But we weren’t done yet. Not much later, my spouse indicated something was going on and he was worried he was contagious. Enter Week 3 of illness and vulnerability. My spouse had to keep his distance from myself and the baby as he got out of the window of contagion, and yet this time, I didn’t feel as alone. He was home, he tried to help where he could, and I knew that our daughter and I were almost through our symptoms, which made it that much more manageable. I am grateful to say we are all around 99% back to ourselves now and see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Curious what my word is for 2023? STREAMLINE. For lots of reasons! Until then, vulnerability has decided to show me it’s next level and I’m hopeful we are all stronger for it.

1. Humidifier–This top loading humidifier is a nightly blessing in our household where humidity is low and dry noses are frequent. With the congestion, coughing, and goopy nose and eyes of RSV, the humidifier became even more important every night!

2. Lolleez Organic Sore Throat Soothing Pops-my sister dropped these off in wanting to make sure my milk supply wasn’t negatively impacted by menthol in some cough drops. These taste like jam and still do the trick to soothe sore throats and reduce coughing!

3. Zarbee’s Soothing Chest Rub- nostalgic to those of us raised on Vicks Vapor Rub, here’s a safe and soothing baby version for congestion!

4. Hooded Towels- A favorite of mine to give at baby showers, the hooded towel helps when you are challenged to juggle a wet baby (by yourself) when navigating in and out of the tub or shower!

Dear Workaholic Mothers

Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

I see you. Motherhood is a different flavor of workaholism. It caught me by surprise. It’s a workaholism where society normalizes sleep deprivation, never having time to yourself, constantly being touched, and being overwhelmed by tasks. It’s made lighter by saying you are successful if you get to brush your teeth and take a shower each day. Knowing these things, I did my best to prepare for a significant change, however the lived experience of motherhood has brought some new perspective.

Perspective that came to me in a flood of tears. I was attempting to watch a movie with my spouse on a Sunday together when my mood tanked. As a therapist, of course I wanted to know why. As I sat with the heavy emotions, I recognized the feelings as familiar to my worst workaholic days. The feelings–and the thoughts that went with them–were all themed around not having enough time. Not enough time as a mother, time with my spouse, time to create as an entrepreneur, time to relax, and the list goes on. I found myself back in neuroticism about tracking time. When did my daughter last eat? What time do we need to get ready for bed? Do I have time for a nap? Can I find time for that phone call? What time will her witching hour start? Can I run that last errand before she loses it? 

Having to track time as a mom has triggered the unpleasant, familiar feeling of scarcity. Time scarcity. Which is wrapped up in a workaholism response for me and other driven individuals. Now the tears make sense! If I believe I have no time, would I feel forced to forgo quality time to work? Skip a much needed nap to create? Cram in a task out of a sense of urgency? Fixate on all the things I haven’t done in the day? This was new territory for me as someone who embraces structure in her day-to-day life, including nine wonderful hours of sleep a night and carving out time for writing and creativity each week. Alas, a baby doesn’t subscribe to that schedule. 

Luckily, I have a loving spouse who wishes to remain an involved parent and partner. So we started talking about the tears and what they represented, allowing me to gain even further clarity on how workaholic women can make motherhood work for them rather than our knee-jerk reaction to cram it all in.

Motherhood can be manageable if:

• You aren’t isolated – The isolation of being alone with your child all day, every day is intimidating at first. Can isolation make postpartum anxiety and depression worse? Yes. How can you get out a couple times a week, like sitting outside, a walk around the neighborhood, or a drive where your baby can sleep?

• You have help – Becoming a mom has given me an additional dose of respect for single parents. This job is hard! I’m grateful to have a support system that includes my spouse and family who love to spend time with my daughter. Who is in your support network? Embrace times where baby can be held or watched by others to allow moments of productivity, creating a welcomed mood boost for workaholics.

• You focus on routines instead of schedules – Babies are constantly changing which means they don’t stick to a schedule, no matter how hard a workaholic mom tries. I, myself have learned to embrace routine over schedule. The routine might be to change a diaper, bathe my baby, and then feed my baby, but the timing of that is really dependent on her needs rather than the time on the clock each day.

• You try to be flexible – This is a big ask for workaholics as we want to control everything! So flexibility might be being gentle with yourself when you’re running late, have to reschedule plans, or need to cancel a meeting for a nap that keeps you functioning.

• You know your limits – Yes, even workaholics have limits. We want to cram it all in, even in motherhood. So what are your warning signs that you’ve overdone it? Do you find yourself more irritable? Clumsy? Fatigued? Take these cues into account as you plan your weeks so you can adjust accordingly.

• You watch for the witching hour – Did you know your baby has a witching hour? I didn’t until I experienced it several days in a row at 6PM. After a day of stimulation where everything is new to your baby, they may just decide they’ve had enough at the end of the day. And by enough, I mean they lose it including crying, screaming, and being inconsolable at times. This is extremely tough when you too are tired and fatigued at the end of the day. To feel more prepared, I’ve announced to friends and family that we have to be home by 6PM from any event or gathering, at least for now. You too can set limits on socializing to be home for those routines that regulate your baby during the witching hour, such as limited sounds, smells and the dark and quiet of their room.

As a new mom, I know this is just the beginning of what I can only imagine is a steep learning curve. Yet I hope these thoughts will help other workaholics (or recovering workaholics) embrace motherhood from a place of wonder and curiosity. It’s an opportunity to stretch out of our comfort zones for the better. As driven individuals we can frame it as a challenge that helps us move into better work-life balance, if not for ourselves, then for our children. 

Challenge accepted.