The Human in the Helper: I felt better pregnant than any other time in my adult life

Emily is passionate about mental health, Medicaid practices, and her pre-teen daughter. She serves as a consultant to therapy practices taking Medicaid and to folks wanting to build quality substance treatment programs that meet community needs. Although she’s feeling strong mentally and physically these days, she’s suffered from depression on and off in adulthood since college. Then Emily got pregnant and stopped her antidepressant. “It wasn’t contraindicated, but I wanted to be extra cautious.”

Although her pregnancy was labeled geriatric because of her age, Emily reported she felt her healthiest while pregnant, both physically and mentally. She remembers wanting to go with the flow regarding labor and delivery, which was the plan until her daughter decided to come 10 days late. At that point, her doctors scheduled an induction that she felt catapulted her into some postpartum depression and anxiety symptoms. “I remember questioning if I should have had a child. They kept us at the hospital for a few days because my daughter had jaundice. I struggled to breastfeed.”

Emily isn’t the only woman to notice a dramatic shift in mood based on the hormonal changes of postpartum. Because of her history with depression, she felt like she knew more what to look for, even if it took her awhile to seek support. “I didn’t have a therapist or medication provider at the time. That could have made my timeline to getting help look different,” she reflected. Emily noticed depression, anxiety, and being quick to cry as some symptoms that things weren’t right. “I was quick to cry and I’m not a crier.” Amidst balancing being a new mom, she shifted jobs postpartum as well. Unfortunately, her symptoms got worse before they got better.

“My relationship was impacted by my mood.” She realized things weren’t sustainable as they were, even with a schedule change, which resulted in separating from her daughter’s father. “I know now we weren’t compatible.” At the time of the separation, Emily was hard on herself, adding the relationship end to her list of things she didn’t feel she was doing well. Then she got the support she needed to regulate her hormones again.

In the present, Emily holds a lot of compassion for colleagues who are trying to balance work with being a new parent. “All these things that we think we are prepared for, we’re not. Be forgiving of yourself.” She encourages new parents to go with the flow, while also recognizing how hard this is when caring for an infant. Adjusting and embracing parenthood isn’t a perfect science, but Emily wants people to feel hopeful that things will get better. If colleagues find themselves getting stuck in the “shoulds” of parenting or work-life demands, Emily suggests channeling our inner therapists for some added gentleness towards ourselves. “Think of things you would work on with your client. Notice what you would say to them and say those things to yourself.”

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

The Human in the Helper: I was overwhelmed by how angry I felt

Julia is a mom and therapist who values working from an attachment lens with her clients. Becoming a new parent in the pandemic has also influenced her therapeutic work in ways she didn’t expect. “I was lonely. My husband was renovating our house and I was alone with our baby.” Julia describes feeling isolated and missing her supports due to them not being able to travel in the early stages of COVID-19. The absence of her spouse every day—who was attempting to make a house ready to become their home—and the absence of friends and family sparked anger in Julia. “I was overwhelmed by how angry I felt.” Although she felt loving and present with her son, Julia described significant anger showing up anytime she was apart from him and able to feel her feelings. “Then I felt shame for feeling so angry.”

Julia knew she needed to better understand where the anger was coming from. “Reading the book ‘Burn It Down’ really validated my feelings.” She discovered that many women’s postpartum experiences involve anger or rage in addition to anxiety and depression. That it wasn’t unusual to feel anger followed by shame. Julia knew that part of her feelings of anger was due to missing supports that would normalize her experiences and allow her to vent in healthy ways. “Feeling our anger allows it to move, which allows us to let go of shame.” Julia didn’t have this opportunity in the earliest stages of her parenting.

Since resources were limited in the pandemic, Julia found herself leaning on her lactation consultant, who would mask up and visit the home, reassuring Julia that her experiences were normal. “She was like a therapist, she was an angel.” Julia found things shifting for the better when her family was able to move into the renovated house and she was seeing her husband more regularly again. Then she started being able to interact with friends and family, which also improved her mental health.

Working with adults and fellow parents, Julia reflects on how her postpartum and parenting experiences have expanded her compassion for other parents. “I can see how they are stretched thin trying to parent and work,” she shared. As a therapist who operates from attachment and Internal Family Systems (IFS) lenses, Julia says the grace and compassion she has for other parents has only increased with her own lived experience as a parent who has battled anger and shame. She recognizes that without the validation of others and supports in place, mental health is negatively impacted. “What I learned about anger is why it’s here and how normal it is,” Julia shared.

Now Julia offers a parents of toddlers group where other women speak about their anger. It’s the community and safe space Julia was craving herself in a critical moment of her postpartum journey. “When unresolved anger turns inward, or when it’s not expressed appropriately, it makes us sick.” Julia is determined to create spaces for anger and shame to be expressed so they don’t fester and make people worse. She has noticed how suppressed emotions contribute to mental health conditions and wants things to be different for women and mothers. “My understanding of anger has given me a whole new perspective on mental health,” Julia named. Through IFS parts work, Julia is helping clients better understand their anger so they can process it appropriately. “Anger is here for a reason,” she shared, “we just have to discover why it’s here.”

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

My Experience with Mommy Sundowners

Photo by David Mullins on Unsplash

My spouse had shared several months in advance that he had two business trips to attend in February. As a planner, I always appreciate the advanced notice, and had them on the calendar with a handful of ideas of how to manage single parenting in his absence. After spending some time with my parents, I found myself driving our daughter home as the sun was setting, glancing back to watch her napping peacefully in the back seat. Imagine my surprise when I was hit with a sudden and intense wave of anxiety. As I felt a choking sensation in my throat and tears come to my eyes, I attempted to remain curious as to why anxiety was showing up in that moment. It became clear that I was anticipating being by myself for the dinner and bedtime routines, neither of which scare me, and yet I couldn’t shake this dread that I wasn’t going to be able to handle it. That I was isolated. That it would be more difficult than usual. That my daughter was going to lose it. That I had to make it through.

The anxiety’s appearance as the sun was setting made me think of Sundowners. Sundowners traditionally talks about a behavioral shift in a person with dementia that occurs when the sun sets and darkness falls, including increased irritability, restlessness, and confusion. When you read about Sundowners, it emphasizes the importance of a routine, plenty of activity during daylight hours, and addressing body needs like hunger and thirst. As a mom, I recognize the importance of all of these suggestions in raising an infant, as well as the positive impact these things can have on a tired, stressed out mama too!

As I sat with the anxiety further, I was able to pinpoint a familiarity to it. It was the same feeling of isolation I felt while nursing in the early morning hours of my daughter’s first three months of life. There was anticipation of her struggling to fall asleep at bedtime, and my responsibility to be attentive to her needs as a first-time mother who was also trying to get some sleep herself. I can recall that the 4am feeding felt the most lonely and heavy of all the nighttime feeds, with some self-talk showing up about surviving to 5am and the sun rising soon after that to make things feel more manageable and breathable again.

This realization, combined with the anxiety of my spouse traveling for several nights, helped me better understand the waves of anxiety and dread that had arrived. After all, the last time my spouse traveled, I was left at home with a sick baby while being sick myself. Talk about challenging! It began to make sense that I was feeling anxious, the more I sat with the thoughts and sensations that came with it.

The question then was, what as I going to do to make the anxiety more manageable? I knew I would stick to the routines my spouse and I had put in place for our daughter, including dinner, playtime, and bedtime rituals that make both of us feel comfortable and relaxed. I also knew my parents and sister were both a phone call away, and would extend an invitation for a possible sleepover if I needed one with the baby at my side. Lastly, I knew I had the structure of work to break up the day, allowing me to ground myself in familiar tasks that weren’t related to parenting, all of which could help me remain in my body with the feelings of overwhelm.  

Additionally, I also challenged myself to recognize the positive moments throughout the day with my daughter, bolstering my mood and reassuring myself that things were going to turn out okay. By allowing myself these micro moments of gratitude, I felt a reduction in the anxiety and a bit more space to breathe.

I know I can’t be the only new mother to feel an intense mood shift when nighttime arrives. Whether we call it Mommy Sundowners or not, I know there is an anxiety that creeps into the evening hours when resources and coping skills are more limited. One of my best coping skills is going outside and walking, which of course isn’t an option in the wee hours of the morning. My hope is that by sharing my experience, other moms will feel seen and reassured that they are not alone. It’s important that we have a diverse list of coping skills to choose from, while still honoring that new mom nerves are an expected and natural part of this life-changing journey.

Mommy Mayo Must-Haves for 9-12 Month Olds

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

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Hi readers! This is the last of the Mommy Wants Mayonnaise series, at least for now as I prepare for other fun projects in 2023! I wanted to feature toys that grow with baby, making them feel that much more worthwhile to invest in knowing they will be used for many more months of exploration and play! I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Jolly Jumper

#2 Skip Hop Baby Activity Center

#3 Sit to Stand Toy

#4 Fisher Price Giant Activity Book

#5 Looikoos Musical Instruments Set

1. Jolly Jumper-The perfect fit for an active infant, we love how this jumper can be moved around both inside and outside since it’s a free standing frame. As baby grows, it can also be made into a fort with the purchase of a canvas tent cover!

2. Skip Hop Baby Activity Center-As popular choice, it encourages independent play and standing! After they age out of the middle seat, the tray can be inserted into the top for continued play and coloring as baby grows!

3. Sit to Stand Toy-a favorite in our household, we have enjoyed watching baby girl learn to stand and walk. She will be pushing this around the living room in no time!

4. Fisher Price Giant Activity Book-A fun Christmas find, we love how this moves from a flat interactive book to a sitting and standing toy for many more months of play!

5. Looikoos Musical Instruments Set-A thoughtful holiday gift from Auntie, this toy is eco-friendly, free of excess paints/colors, and encourages exploration of music outside of baby girl’s favorite music classes!

Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Vulnerability was My Word for 2022

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

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Hi Readers!

My word for 2022 was vulnerability. It’s a word I’d chosen thoughtfully, knowing it has been pivotal to my professional growth as a public speaker and trainer since 2019 and could be embraced even more so in my current goals. I also anticipated that it would come into play as a new mother in 2022, but could not even begin to imagine how much it would be a part of my life for my daughter’s first 10 months of life! I expected vulnerability to show up in a shifting identity (it did). I predicted that vulnerability would be a part of my experience when asking for help (it was). I was surprised at the vulnerability of naming to my spouse and family members how I wanted to change up my work ethic to be with her as much as possible (it has). 

Yet where vulnerability really showed up in full force was when my daughter got her first cold right before Thanksgiving. Parents share how hard it is to see their young child not feeling well. The lethargy, the fussiness, the clinginess, and the disruption to sleep. I honestly felt like I could handle those things when it was just a head cold, but then she got RSV the week immediately after, with no real respite in between. To make matters worse, I got sick right alongside her. After all, what parent is going to withhold affection or closeness when their baby is sick? I couldn’t bear the thought of staying away from her knowing that proximity and cuddles were helping her, in addition to regularly breastfeeding for food and comfort. So I wasn’t truly surprised to get symptoms alongside her, it was really just the matter of a perfect storm. 

I felt exposed and uncertain, truly vulnerable in response to two weeks of not feeling at 100% functional. Adding to the vulnerability, in addition to both my daughter and I getting sick, my sister, mom, and niece all got symptoms of RSV too. What an impact that had on our lives! I have been lucky to have parents who enjoy watching their granddaughters so my sister and I can work our own businesses. So in a matter of one day confirmed by the pediatrician, we were all pivoting to be more isolated from one another, resulting in a loss of childcare, social support, and reassurance in the face of vulnerability as a first-time parent of a sick baby. 

To make matters worse, my spouse was scheduled to be out of town traveling for four days, which arrived just as the RSV symptoms were making themselves known in my daughter’s body and my own. I had plenty of pity parties in my spouse’s absence as I attempted to give myself permission to rest and care for our baby, canceling a day of work and restricting us to our house for a long, four day weekend. On the bright side, I hadn’t actually confirmed any social plans that weekend so it was really easy to stay home. And yet the isolation made the vulnerability that much stronger. Was I doing this right? Was I doing enough? What if we didn’t get better by the next work week? What do I do about childcare if my parents aren’t on the mend? What will I tell my clients? Under some understandable stress, I had to embrace the vulnerability of not having all the answers–or solutions–figured out yet. It forced me to live in the moment and focus on rest and fluids for baby girl and myself as the top priority, with the next week remaining a giant question mark.

In the meantime, I recognize my experience as a first-time parent isn’t unique. There are plenty of parents who are stressed, overwhelmed, or devastated when their babies get sick. Here were a couple things that helped us battle RSV amidst so many other families this time of year.

#1 Top Loading Humidifier

#2 Lolleez Organic Sore Throat Soothing Pops

Zarbee’s Baby Soothing Chest Rub

#4 Hooded Towel

My spouse returned from his trip and I sat down to write this blog, knowing that the writing itself would be another way to process all that had happened. But we weren’t done yet. Not much later, my spouse indicated something was going on and he was worried he was contagious. Enter Week 3 of illness and vulnerability. My spouse had to keep his distance from myself and the baby as he got out of the window of contagion, and yet this time, I didn’t feel as alone. He was home, he tried to help where he could, and I knew that our daughter and I were almost through our symptoms, which made it that much more manageable. I am grateful to say we are all around 99% back to ourselves now and see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Curious what my word is for 2023? STREAMLINE. For lots of reasons! Until then, vulnerability has decided to show me it’s next level and I’m hopeful we are all stronger for it.

1. Humidifier–This top loading humidifier is a nightly blessing in our household where humidity is low and dry noses are frequent. With the congestion, coughing, and goopy nose and eyes of RSV, the humidifier became even more important every night!

2. Lolleez Organic Sore Throat Soothing Pops-my sister dropped these off in wanting to make sure my milk supply wasn’t negatively impacted by menthol in some cough drops. These taste like jam and still do the trick to soothe sore throats and reduce coughing!

3. Zarbee’s Soothing Chest Rub- nostalgic to those of us raised on Vicks Vapor Rub, here’s a safe and soothing baby version for congestion!

4. Hooded Towels- A favorite of mine to give at baby showers, the hooded towel helps when you are challenged to juggle a wet baby (by yourself) when navigating in and out of the tub or shower!

Mommy Wants Mayonnaise Must-Haves for Dads

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

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Hi readers! I couldn’t leave out the dads and their favorites things as new parents! From practical to playful, I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Car Seat Protector

#2 Medela Sterilizing Bags

#3 Lovies

#4 Kinder Fluff Window Covers

#5 Glow in the Dark Blanket

1. Car Seat Protector–with mesh pockets for storing toys and the ability to blend in while protecting seats, the Daddy in Mommy Wants Mayonnaise was quick to buy a second one for his car after seeing the first one in action!

2. Medela Sterilizing Bags–a huge time saver when sterlizing bottles and nursing equipment. It helps Daddy stay on top of the materials while reducing the time needed to clean so he can get in a few more cuddles with baby instead!

3. Lovies–Daddy appreciates the comfort objects that support baby in adjusting to new places or longer car rides, especially if they can soothe baby when mommy isn’t readily available. Have mommy sleep with it or wear it around her neck to capture her scent that soothes baby. A plus? They are affordable so buy two just in case one gets misplaced!

4. Kinder Fluff Window Covers- Daddy in Mommy Wants Mayonnaise got excited that these were designed by pilots to block out UV rays and he loves the ease of putting them up on sunny days to protect baby in the car. A secondary function? If you need privacy, these are easy to put up when nursing baby in the back seat!

5. Glow in the Dark Blanket- Daddy’s favorite, it’s soft and glows in the dark, two things he enjoys as much as baby for mutual naps together!

Mommy Wants Mayonnaise Must-Haves for New Moms

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

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Hi readers! This might be my favorite list yet! Check out my must-haves for new moms that are functional, fashionable, or make us feel human again after too many missed hours of sleep! I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Aloe Lipstick

#2 Nursing Necklace

#3 Clinique Under-Eye Cream

#4 Bearsland Nursing Shirts

#5 Sketchers Women’s Sandal

1. Aloe chapstick–balancing mom life and work life, this chapstick is nourishing and provides color to your lips that doesn’t rub off when kissing your baby! 

2. Nursing Necklace– this is something I wear daily. My daughter loves to fidget with it while nursing and finds it comforting while teething too. The design is stylish and more subtle than other nursing necklaces out there and it’s saved me from a ton of hair pulling by baby! *Check out the Etsy shop here.

3. Clinique Under Eye Cream–worried about dark circles from being up several times a night with baby? This cream is quick to apply and makes a difference.

4. Bearsland Nursing Shirts/Dresses--If you get a stain from baby, you don’t have to feel heartbroken because they are affordable and replaceable. Pay no mind to the washing instructions, they are still soft and wearable after dozens of washes.

5. Sketchers Sandals–Are you wanting comfortable sandals that stay on your feet for walks with baby while still having cute shoes to wear? These are fashionable, comfortable, and feel like you can walk in them all day with no risks of blisters thanks to foam soles and a stretchy strap design!

Mommy Wants Mayonnaise Must-Haves for Infants 6-9 Months

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

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Hi readers! Now I’m grateful to share my favorite things for parents of infants 6-9 months and my reasoning for why they rank in the top five must-haves! I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Stacking Cups

#2 Learning Walker

#3 Wooden Puzzles

#4 Triple Paste Diaper Cream

#5 Baby Spoons

1. Stacking Cups–the best five dollars we’ve spent on a toy! Stackable and serves as great practice for drinking from cups in the future.

2. Learning Walker–Great for babies who love to stand and are ready to engage in play sitting, standing, and eventually pushing.

3. Wooden Puzzles–made of bright colors and made of wood that can be stacked, this toy helps a baby develop hand-eye coordination.

4. Triple Paste Diaper Cream–this stuff is magic. It’s worked better than other popular brands of diaper rash cream and is affordable too! 

5. Baby Spoons–as baby starts to play with purees and solids, having soft, chewable spoons can help them get excited about eating. Best tip we’ve received so far? Have some spoons for play and some for eating, this helps baby focus on the food instead of the spoon.

Mommy Wants Mayonnaise Must-Haves for Infants 3-6 Months

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. 

Hi readers! I’m excited to share my favorite things for parents of infants 3-6 months and my reasoning for why they rank in the top five must-haves! I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Penguin Teether

#2 Indestructibles Books

#3 Frozen Teethers

#4 Bathtub Shampoo Rinser

#5 Carrots Toy

1. Penguin Teether–An adorable teether that is easy for baby to grip, we found this teether was a favorite for it’s nipple-shaped ends and soft silicone. It’s shape and easy hand-holding design made it ideal for playing in the pool too!

2. Indestructibles Books–Gifted to us, we became instant fans of these books. Bright and colorful, their indestructible design allows baby to chew, pull, shake, and bend the books in their enthusiasm with no stress from parents.

3. Frozen teethers–A must-have for infants who start getting teeth! These ones have a satisfying texture that is easy to refrigerate and clean.

4. Bathtub Rinse–Soft-sided and easy to hold and clean, this is the perfect bathtub accessory that serves a function of rinsing a baby’s hair while also allowing some water play!

5. Carrots Toy–Although this toy should be used only under supervision, it’s a favorite for a teething baby and supports development of motor skills. Not to mention they are crafted well and have an appealing design for both baby and parent.

Mommy Wants Mayonnaise Must-Haves for Infants 0-3 Months

Check out the full series of Mommy Wants Mayonnaise: Navigating Tricky Communication and Mental Health in Motherhood here.

As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. 

Hi readers! Here’s the list of my favorite things for parents of infants 0-3 months old! As well as my reasoning for why they rank in the top five must-haves! I hope these items can benefit you as much as they have our family.

#1 Bibs

#2 Crinkle Book

#3 Sophie the Giraffe Teether

#4 Stroller Fan

#5 Carter’s Rompers

1. Bibs–I know some parents won’t be a fan of the strings so be sure to remove them before naps. However, their soft material that mimics baby’s burp cloths and the scalloped edges make them ideal for parents who want something functional and fashionable without being distracting. Super absorbent and easy to swap after spit up, these have saved us from multiple wardrobe changes a day and never-ending loads of laundry!

2. Crinkle book–For baby’s first book, this one is a favorite! A satisfying crinkle sound and lots of black and white designs make it eye catching and fun for an infant who is still developing their ability to see color. Easy to clean and clips to a car seat for babies on the go.

3. Sophie the Giraffe Teether–This teether goes everywhere with our daughter. Easy to grip, she gets a satisfying chew and the rubber has a nostalgic smell for parents!

4. Stroller fan–This is the ultimate game-changer for babies who get too hot in cars or on walks during hot weather months. With its octopus legs, it attaches easily to all sorts of surfaces and the light source is helpful to see your baby in the backseat on early morning drives when it’s not quite light out.

5. Carter’s Rompers–for parents whose infants hate having onesies pulled over their heads or who require multiple changes after a blowout, these rompers are cute and so easy to put on with the snaps down the front. Our daughter wore these all summer with ease.