Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
I see you. Motherhood is a different flavor of workaholism. It caught me by surprise. It’s a workaholism where society normalizes sleep deprivation, never having time to yourself, constantly being touched, and being overwhelmed by tasks. It’s made lighter by saying you are successful if you get to brush your teeth and take a shower each day. Knowing these things, I did my best to prepare for a significant change, however the lived experience of motherhood has brought some new perspective.
Perspective that came to me in a flood of tears. I was attempting to watch a movie with my spouse on a Sunday together when my mood tanked. As a therapist, of course I wanted to know why. As I sat with the heavy emotions, I recognized the feelings as familiar to my worst workaholic days. The feelings–and the thoughts that went with them–were all themed around not having enough time. Not enough time as a mother, time with my spouse, time to create as an entrepreneur, time to relax, and the list goes on. I found myself back in neuroticism about tracking time. When did my daughter last eat? What time do we need to get ready for bed? Do I have time for a nap? Can I find time for that phone call? What time will her witching hour start? Can I run that last errand before she loses it?
Having to track time as a mom has triggered the unpleasant, familiar feeling of scarcity. Time scarcity. Which is wrapped up in a workaholism response for me and other driven individuals. Now the tears make sense! If I believe I have no time, would I feel forced to forgo quality time to work? Skip a much needed nap to create? Cram in a task out of a sense of urgency? Fixate on all the things I haven’t done in the day? This was new territory for me as someone who embraces structure in her day-to-day life, including nine wonderful hours of sleep a night and carving out time for writing and creativity each week. Alas, a baby doesn’t subscribe to that schedule.
Luckily, I have a loving spouse who wishes to remain an involved parent and partner. So we started talking about the tears and what they represented, allowing me to gain even further clarity on how workaholic women can make motherhood work for them rather than our knee-jerk reaction to cram it all in.
Motherhood can be manageable if:
You aren’t isolated – The isolation of being alone with your child all day, every day is intimidating at first. Can isolation make postpartum anxiety and depression worse? Yes. How can you get out a couple times a week, like sitting outside, a walk around the neighborhood, or a drive where your baby can sleep?
You have help – Becoming a mom has given me an additional dose of respect for single parents. This job is hard! I’m grateful to have a support system that includes my spouse and family who love to spend time with my daughter. Who is in your support network? Embrace times where baby can be held or watched by others to allow moments of productivity, creating a welcomed mood boost for workaholics.
You focus on routines instead of schedules – Babies are constantly changing which means they don’t stick to a schedule, no matter how hard a workaholic mom tries. I, myself have learned to embrace routine over schedule. The routine might be to change a diaper, bathe my baby, and then feed my baby, but the timing of that is really dependent on her needs rather than the time on the clock each day.
You try to be flexible – This is a big ask for workaholics as we want to control everything! So flexibility might be being gentle with yourself when you’re running late, have to reschedule plans, or need to cancel a meeting for a nap that keeps you functioning.
You know your limits – Yes, even workaholics have limits. We want to cram it all in, even in motherhood. So what are your warning signs that you’ve overdone it? Do you find yourself more irritable? Clumsy? Fatigued? Take these cues into account as you plan your weeks so you can adjust accordingly.
You watch for the witching hour – Did you know your baby has a witching hour? I didn’t until I experienced it several days in a row at 6PM. After a day of stimulation where everything is new to your baby, they may just decide they’ve had enough at the end of the day. And by enough, I mean they lose it including crying, screaming, and being inconsolable at times. This is extremely tough when you too are tired and fatigued at the end of the day. To feel more prepared, I’ve announced to friends and family that we have to be home by 6PM from any event or gathering, at least for now. You too can set limits on socializing to be home for those routines that regulate your baby during the witching hour, such as limited sounds, smells and the dark and quiet of their room.
As a new mom, I know this is just the beginning of what I can only imagine is a steep learning curve. Yet I hope these thoughts will help other workaholics (or recovering workaholics) embrace motherhood from a place of wonder and curiosity. It’s an opportunity to stretch out of our comfort zones for the better. As driven individuals we can frame it as a challenge that helps us move into better work-life balance, if not for ourselves, then for our children.
Challenge accepted.