As a mother, you never imagine that your adult child is going to stop talking to you. To experience estrangement from your child is unbelievably painful. And for many parents, they report feeling bewildered and confused as to why estrangement came to be. The good news is that folks are sharing that reconciliation is possible. There are authors who have dedicated books and blogs to helping parents navigate this experience and support their desire of coming back together. Although there’s no exact formula that guarantees reconciliation, there are a few things to consider from what we know now from the adult child’s perspective.
First, what are your reasons for wanting reconciliation with your adult child? Getting curious about your responses to the following questions can shed light on your healing journey from estrangement as a parent.
Why do you want to reconcile?
Being honest with yourself is the first step. Do you want to repair the relationship? Do you want to feel heard and validated in your choices? Are you looking to get even? Do you want a relationship with your grandchildren? There are any number of reasons why a parent wants to reconcile, and being prepared with a response for yourself and your estranged adult child should they ask would be an important first step.
2. What are your expectations of the reconciled relationship?
As humans, it’s not uncommon to hear folks say they want everything to go back to the way it was, or to start over, both of which would be problematic for the estranger/adult child who made this choice reflecting that something wasn’t right. Going backward or to sameness would be a significant issue for them. What do you want the reconciled relationship to look like? Recognize that the relationship could be better or worse, but most likely just different.
3. What steps will you agree to for reconciliation?
As you attempt to reengage your adult child, what offerings or compromises can you accept? Are you open to phone calls to start? Are you willing to have a relationship with your daughter-in-law but not speak to your estranged son? Are you pursuing a relationship with your grandchildren, even if it means you aren’t on speaking terms with their mother? Knowing your own boundaries in the reconciliation process will help both you and your adult child navigate the testing phase of reconciliation.
4. What can you take responsibility for?
In other words, have you done your own reflection of what happened? Are you prepared to accept your adult child’s accusations and avoid arguing? Can you clearly name the offending actions prior to estrangement being pursued? Are you clear on the priority being repairing the relationship over determining whose memories of events are right?
Which leads us to the second aspect of healing from estrangement and improving the possibility of reconciliation with your adult child. In serving hundreds of women over the years in therapy, I’ve heard from many of them that they are seeking the three “A”s: Acknowledgment, Apology, and Action.
Acknowledgement
Adult children are asking for acknowledgement from their parents that things weren’t always perfect in their childhood. What feels tricky for parents is the fear that if they acknowledge they’ve made mistakes, that it means they are a bad parent. Not true! How can you acknowledge you were human? That you would do things differently now? We can’t change the past, but being present with your adult child now can be the start of the healing journey towards reconciliation.
Apology
Are there pieces worth apologizing for? What could your apology sound like? What tone? It’s understandably difficult to feel neutral in the face of your adult child’s charged emotions about your relationship with them. Some adult children will express anger or rage. Parents, in their own hurt, can respond in defensiveness. How can you remain present and authentic in your apology? Does it help you to soften by remembering that your adult child’s expression of emotion shows that they are hurting?
Action
What steps can you take to work on yourself and the relationship with your adult child? Does it mean going to therapy, working with a coach, or engaging a mentor? Is it about initiating family therapy with your adult child if they are ready to engage in that way with you? For so many parents, doing your own work is important to your own healing, regardless of if reconciliation is possible.
Imagine that both you and your adult child have gaping wounds on your body. You are both raw, hurt, and bleeding. That’s what estrangement feels like. The process to heal an injury like this takes intention action, insight, and time. You can heal yourself and support your adult child’s healing. They deserve to get to know you as the person you are today.