The Human in the Helper: You can't make someone live for you

Shannon isn’t a stranger to grief. She lost her brother to addiction in 2008 and has dedicated her career to helping clients through trauma and substance healing as a social worker and addictions counselor. As she was preparing to expand her family, her dad approached her to share that he was ready to die. “My dad was suffering from a lot of health issues. He’d been unhealthy most of his life.” Shannon’s dad had received permission from his doctor for Medical Aid in Dying, a year-long process that requires two physicians to sign off to receive the medication, which a patient then administers to themselves in order to remain fully in control of the process of dying.

Of course Shannon was devastated and overwhelmed at hearing her dad’s decision, although he had been speaking to wanting to die for over a decade. “I was six months pregnant when he called me up to tell me,” she remembered. “I asked him to wait until after my son was born. I explained postpartum and the impact this grief would have on me and the family, and he agreed to wait.” But Shannon didn’t immediately feel at ease. Instead she and her sister went through a rollercoaster of emotions, alternating who would hold hope and conviction to try something new to save his life, while the other named how it was inevitable that their dad would die because he wanted it to be so. “We looked at medication changes, a new psychiatrist, psilocybin, but nothing changed his mind.”

Shannon recalled how her dad’s biggest worry was that she was going to ask him to continue to delay his death date. He said there was never a good time to die, and she had to ultimately agree. However, Shannon and her sister had an opportunity to weigh in on his death date and be present for his end of life journey. “It was so sad and special to be there. It meant everything to him that we were there.” Shannon was six weeks postpartum when her dad died, and she vividly remembers him dying and her going into another room to pump breastmilk for her baby. “It was so strange. I think I was in shock for months.”

Shannon went right back to work days later, and after six months, a new wave of grief hit Shannon as she realized he was truly gone. “I recognized that I was missing him and that I had to live the rest of my life without him.” The experience has impacted her both personally and professionally in how she engages others around death and dying. “Now I see it is not our responsibility to keep someone alive. It was his body, it was his life.” Shannon hopes that fellow therapists will work further to understand the difference between Medical Aid in Dying and suicide. “My dad wasn’t afraid of dying. He was ready.”

Therapists, out of feelings of responsibility, often struggle to hold their own fears in check when faced with a client who is thinking about death. How do we strive for neutrality, holding space for client experiences from a place of compassion for their pain and suffering? Shannon has found the stories of Near-Death Experiences influential in her ability to connect with others on a human level regarding dying, to fully see what people are experiencing including her dad. “I realized that no amount of time would be enough with him. Two months, six months, a year. It was really eye-opening and helped me move towards acceptance of not trying to demand one more day, one more day. That was a huge turning point in my thinking.” Shannon was able to show up for her dad, even in her own grief. “Dying isn’t the worst thing that can happen, suffering is worse.”

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

Breaking Free of Confidential Grief

Photo by Luke Besley on Unsplash

I first discovered the term confidential grief when researching for my latest book on helping clinicians heal from client suicide. In what felt like a sign from the universe, the September edition of the Counseling Today magazine arrived, and had an article titled Counselors Share What It’s Like to Lose a Client to Suicide. I felt compelled to reach out to Dr. Lena Salpietro, one of the quoted professionals who shared the importance of validation and empathy from mental health leadership to clinicians who’d lost a client to suicide. I couldn’t agree more with her statements and I was beyond excited that not only were people talking about the life-changing experience that is losing a client to suicide, but that there was a name for the behind-closed-doors experience of grieving a client loss.

According to the original research study published in July 2023, confidential grief describes the secrecy of our pain and grief when losing a client to suicide. Out of fear, shame, and perceived judgement from our peers, mental health professionals don’t feel safe to share that they are going through grief and loss, and thus attempt to grieve in private. It also feels confidential because client matters remain confidential, which means we can’t share our experience as openly as if it was a loss from a different part of our life. All of these things add up to an experience where clinicians are suppressing their emotions, attempting to compartmentalize their grief, and could result in them leaving the field due to the lack of support.

So here I am inviting colleagues to break free from confidential grief. How do we bring client suicide into the light? How do we prepare clinicians for this life-altering experience? For folks who’ve felt comfortable sharing with me thus far, I’ve often heard that nothing prepared them for this experience. With 1 in 4 therapists predicted to lose a client to suicide in their career, this is adding another layer of pain that could be easily addressed. How do we create safe spaces for this grief? Here are a few ideas for mental health leadership:

1. Attend to the person first, professional second.

When a client dies by suicide, the first thing we focus on as mental health leaders should be the clinician standing in front of us in shock. How do we help them navigate this event with compassion? Do they want to talk about it? Do they want to sit here and experience the flood of emotions with someone they trust? Do they need us to cancel their appointments for the day so they can go home? We can offer various things that could support them in a time where they may feel frozen in place.

2. Talk about it!

Let’s normalize that clients die by suicide. Let’s talk about it in graduate school, in community mental health, in internships, and in private practice. Let’s explore it with supervisees as a possibility so they can feel more prepared. So much more healing can be accessed if we normalize the possibility of this happening within our field.

3. Create spaces for healing

Since suicide will happen for 25% of us, how do we create spaces for healing? Is it a one-on-one conversation? A support group? A journey to self-discovery? A healing retreat? The more healing spaces we can offer, the more clinicians can move towards post-traumatic growth. What spaces do you know of? What more can be added for colleagues experiencing client loss?

There are lots more ideas in my book Moving from ALERT to Acceptance: Helping Clinicians Heal from Client Suicide. This book captures ideas for clinicians wanting to heal, as well as ideas for the mental health leaders helping them with that healing. You don’t have to do this alone. I recently shared with a colleague that I identify as a Confidential Grief Specialist to therapists amidst other roles of consultant, trainer, and course creator. For years, colleagues have been sharing with me their hardships and challenges, everything from family abuse to trauma, to substance use, to client death. It’s one of the reasons I started surveying colleagues on their career experiences with Adverse Psychological Events (APEs) as mental health professionals. Although confidential grief exists because of the loss of clients to suicide, I believe this term can be expanded to cover all sorts of career-related stressors, which create the potential for burnout within our field. Adverse Psychological Events can include client suicide, client death, client violence, subpoena, and grievance. All are disruptive and painful for clinicians, all are not spoken about freely because of fear, shame, and judgement.

Let’s break free of confidential grief together. We have a name for the experience, now we can offer something different! I know there are many of us out there wanting to create a safe, empowered container for clinician healing. Let’s share what we are doing to combat confidential grief and connect soon in our efforts to support colleague healing!

The Human in the Helper: I felt like my life had been thrown in a blender

Michelle is known in her community for helping colleagues become CE providers because she believes in what they have to share, she recognizes the freedom course creation brings, and she wants colleagues to have additional income streams. She is also known for her fun glasses and for being a breast cancer survivor. “I was diagnosed in January 2020.” Michelle describes a moment in her life that was sheer terror as she waited for official results. She recalls the experience as being told there was something abnormal and that they were pretty sure what it was, but required two weeks to formally confirm. “I would rather go back to chemo than relive those two weeks of hell.”

Michelle wasn’t sleeping. She felt dissociated. Her heart rate stayed high, even when trying to sleep. Her daughter kept waking up in the middle of the night worried and finding reasons to engage her mom to make sure she was okay. Michelle struggled with what to tell her clients. “I feel bad for the clients in that waiting period, I showed up the best I could.” It’s understandable that Michelle had a hard time being present as she waited for the game plan for fighting her cancer, which ended up being a very aggressive type of breast cancer with the worst prognosis. “I notified my clients about needing two weeks off to address my medical care.”

Once she had her plan, which included chemo, surgery, and radiation, Michelle focused on referring out her newest clients and her acute clients to other providers. “It was hard to make those calls while also trying to take care of myself.” Michelle kept clients she’d had longer on her caseload, who also had more rapport for this next season of her life. Then she experienced the pandemic shutdown. “It was sort of a blessing to move to working from home. I had lost my hair, I was wearing a wig.” She moved everyone to online and tried to keep up with her medical appointments.

Another challenge Michelle faced was maintaining boundaries around her cancer treatment with clients who were worried. “I let them know there was going to be a boundary and set the timer for five minutes. They could ask me anything they wanted regarding my cancer and treatment, but once the timer was up, it was back to being focused on them.” Michelle reports this worked well for clients. Some only wanted to know that she was okay, while others had more detailed questions to ask. She navigated this dynamic with her clients through ten months of treatment.

Michelle is in good health now, and has had time to reflect on her process. “I wish there was more support in our community for things like this.” She described wanting a way to notify a trusted colleague when awful things happen, someone who could make the calls and outreach the clients when their therapist has to pause or regroup. Michelle felt this need again when she got the call at the end of a client session that her father had died. “How do we let people know when life things happen? We worry about client abandonment. We worry about liability.” Until a tool that supports this communication is created, Michelle has some other ideas for colleagues. “Be gentle with colleagues online. We don’t know the whole story as to why they didn’t show up, why they didn’t call back. They could be going through something.” She hopes that mental health professionals can support connection and community with one another, two things that feel so important when coming back from crises that happen in our lives. We couldn’t agree more.

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

The Human in the Helper: I was a shell of a person

Laura is known as a leader in the mental health community. With her passion, wisdom, and integrity, she is showing colleagues ways to level up their practices. Yet her own practice had to take a pause when she found herself struggling with significant anxiety and OCD behaviors postpartum. “I anticipated that postpartum would be awful, and I was right,” she shared. Laura was struggling with sleep, and wouldn’t get the sleep she needed after nursing her daughter at night. “I went into my support group and asked them if they were sleeping and they all said they slept like logs. That’s when I knew something was wrong.” She described insomnia that would keep her awake and when she’d finally feel tired, it was time for her daughter to nurse again. “My husband would leave the house for work and I’d cry, knowing I was left home alone with my baby, I was so tired.”

Laura noticed that her insomnia contributed to her anxiety as she worried about the insomnia itself and not getting enough sleep each night. Then she noticed some OCD behaviors showing up in her life. “I think I was looking to feel in control of something,” she reflected. Laura found herself using an app to track all of her infant daughter’s activities, which isn’t uncommon. What felt disruptive was that she was methodical about logging every activity and exact times for all the activities, which she recalls felt obsessive and made her anxiety worse. “I focused on every minute and every activity. I was in the app all the time. “ She didn’t know how much of a hold it had on her until someone said to delete it. “It was when my daughter was 18 months old that a friend suggested I delete the app in not needing it anymore, and after some hesitation I did.”

Although Laura was able to break away from the app and the behaviors associated with it in her postpartum recovery, she shared that it took her longer to recover from the sleep deficit of motherhood and insomnia. “It was probably a solid four years before my sleep was back on track.” The thing that helped her most was getting trained in CBTI, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia, which she used on herself as well as with her clients.

Laura is honest with herself that her postpartum journey was challenging and that her experience isn’t everyone’s experience in becoming new parents. She does have some advice for therapists who are planning for maternity or paternity leave, however. “Save for your leave.” Laura identified that she was fortunate to have saved enough for several months of maternity leave, which allowed her to be more honest with herself on her timeline of coming back to work. “If I’d come back at 12 weeks, I wouldn’t have been a very good therapist. I was a shell of a person.” Through her saving and thanks to a supportive spouse, Laura was able to extend her maternity leave to allow herself more time to adjust, before slowly easing back into private practice two days a week to start. “Set aside money for your leave, you don’t know what your postpartum will look like.”

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

The Human in the Helper: I don't blame him

Rose is no stranger to grief. She’s experienced several losses in her lifetime and even specializes in death as a counselor. Helping others navigate loss fuels her professional purpose, and yet she recognizes it’s a whole different experience to go through a significant loss yourself. “My daughter Layla was killed on her skateboard in the crosswalk.” This tragedy catapulted Rose into a shock response. “Everything comes to a halt, until you come out of it or ask for help.”

Rose began her quest for receiving help by reaching out to other therapists. “I knew I needed to process what happened.” She reflected on how others had problematic, and oftentimes hurtful responses to grief. Messages of grief being messy and an urge to get through it as fast as possible. An alarming message of hurry up and get over it. Rose understands grief differently. “Pushing grief down or attempting to get over it leads to it expressing in other ways, most often as flare ups.” She spoke to how buying something at the grocery store can leave a person in tears when they realize their loved one enjoyed that food. Or seeing someone spiral out when hearing food ordered at a restaurant in the exact same way as the person who’s died. 

Rose recognizes that her grief is hers to process in ways that feel right to her. “I couldn’t find a therapist who wanted to help me with this. Several of them said it was too heavy.” So she pivoted into doing her own work individually, and with the help of a close friend willing to be her witness. “Find yourself a friend who can hear it. They don’t need to understand your experience or give advice, they just have to acknowledge they received it.” For Rose, this meant sharing what was coming up for her in text messages to her friend to prevent a flare up. It helped her stay grounded in the most difficult moments after Layla’s death.

Another piece of Rose’s healing process was giving herself a break from her grief. “I told myself that I was going to set it aside to work from 10-2 every day. Then I’d fall apart at 215.” This allowed Rose the opportunity to rest her brain, embrace meaning with her clients, and take a break from the grief of losing Layla. It gave her a sense of power and control in a powerless situation. Rose encourages others to find a counselor who doesn’t take on their symptoms as the client. She explained how it allows the professional to hold space for the work without taking on the emotions associated with the loss. “It’s mine to handle,” she shared, “I’ve got to find hope in the hurt.”

Rose also emphasized how she wants to think of Layla and talk about her every day. “I want to live in the love of her, not the loss. Just because she’s gone, doesn’t mean our love is gone.” Rose embodies this by seeing different perspectives of loss with tons of compassion. “Things happen to everyone involved. I just had to change my glasses to see things from their perspective.” Rose shared how the person who hit Layla in the crosswalk was a peer at school. “I don’t blame him, I could see that it was an accident. Layla wouldn’t have wanted him to stop his life because this happened.” Rose recounts how she took this young man’s hand and walked with him into the crosswalk, so he could truly understand how he couldn’t have seen Layla crossing that day. It’s the gift she gave him in a situation that was awful for so many. “A whole school was affected,” Rose reflected.

Now Rose is even more determined to help others with their grief. She wants clients and community members to feel empowered to take their time and try things until they find what’s right for them. She named that not everyone is going to go through the five stages of grief, and not in any particular order if they do. Rose wants to normalize the grief journey and feels called to  create support since her own journey of seeking support had been so challenging. She’s channeling her experience into her client work, wanting others to feel free of the clutches of grief. “I want to help others find hope in the hurt. Layla’s love fuels everything I do.”

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

The Human in the Helper: You don’t have to be a rockstar clinician every day

Tim has a calming presence for both his clients in private practice and for his students as a dedicated professor. He’s known for giving students and supervisees grace, affirming that perfectionism isn’t the goal of their learning. Tim says this philosophy comes from his own lived experience with difficult choices, specifically decisions involving his therapy business and his home life in an effort to find balance during moments of grief and loss. “My dad had cancer and was placed on hospice. I was gone from home for three months,” he describes. Thankfully, Tim had already moved his practice to 100% telehealth months earlier when the COVID-19 pandemic had shut everything down, which allowed him to see his clients remotely from another state. “Going to work was a nice break from what was happening with my dad. It was nice to feel in control of something, to remove myself for a break and go to work.”

Although Tim was able to see clients remotely, he made the choice to refer several newer clients to colleagues, knowing he couldn’t give them his best during that difficult time. “I’m grateful for my network, to make this handoff to other specialists that could serve the clients best.” He also worked with several colleagues to take his clients for a month for bereavement after his dad’s passing. “It was really hard. I wish I’d focused on my coping and how difficult it was to see him decline. I wish I had taken off a little sooner.” Tim describes a struggle with wanting to be there for his clients while also taking care of himself. “I don’t think clients got my best at the end. Yet I tell others, including my students, that you don’t have to be a rockstar clinician every day.”

Coping during his loss involved remaining connected to his wife who had stayed at home. “I wanted to call her everyday but not use her to vent every day.” Tim has ideas for fellow therapists who are going through a significant loss. “Use your rolodex. Call a friend and vent. Don’t isolate.” He shared how calling a new friend each night helped him through, without putting too much pressure on his wife as his primary support. “Therapists are used to being the listeners so they don’t always ask for help, which can lead to burnout.”

Tim also talked about the risks of burnout coming from the loss of income when having to reduce a caseload or close business temporarily. “I wish I’d known about business insurance that would pay for when we can’t work.” He named the importance of having some money for emergencies, which echoes some of my work as a Financial Therapist. Most importantly, Tim reflected on the boundaries he needed with clients to avoid burnout. “Clients knew what was going on, but I was very careful to keep the hour focused on them.” He says this is important because he works with a lot of middle-aged clients who have significant responsibilities. When they tried to focus on Tim, he’d reassure and redirect clients by saying, “this is your hour where you don’t have to care for someone else.” 

Tim’s practice is healthy and rewarding today. He and his wife are making plans with the intention of taking time off to travel each year and he continues to teach and supervisee therapists-in-training. When asked what his key takeaway has been from his experience of pausing his business in support of his dad and for grief and loss healing, he said “if you can do this, you can do anything.” His thoughts sound in alignment with post-traumatic growth, which makes sense for folks who experience such a life-changing event like this one.

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

The Human in the Helper: Sometimes we can’t help switching to professional mode

Thea* is a licensed psychologist who enjoys working with the government. When she’s not engaging military folks and their families, she’s spending time with her husband and children. Although there are several reasons why Thea chooses to work in this setting, one reason is access to care, which stands out in stark contrast to her sibling’s experience. “I was a few months into my new job when my brother attempted suicide,” she shared. Thea had received a call from her dad asking her to do a welfare check on her brother while dad drove over to his apartment. “I live in another state, but because of my job, he asked for my help.”

Thea made the call and shared that the officer arrived to the apartment shortly before her father. “My brother was in bad shape and thankfully got medical care right away because the officer was there.” Thea named that her brother was sent to the ICU and she attempted to go to work the next day. “It was a Friday and I told myself I just needed to get through one day.” Her effort to keep showing up is so relatable to many mental health professionals, who feel like they have to keep going or continue to be strong, even when significant live events happen.

“My boss kindly said go home. I couldn’t keep it together. I couldn’t put a sentence together without crying.” Thea was encouraged to get on a plane and go to her family, which she was able to do later that same day. “My mom and I lived in the ICU for 24 hours.” Interestingly enough, Thea noticed a switch had been flipped inside of her as she connected with her family. “I was trying to show up as a sister, but was being leaned on as a professional.”

Thea helped gather supplies for her brother’s transition to inpatient after he stabilized. She was surprised with how quickly she was able to move from tears to her professional role when helping her family navigate these next steps. Once her brother regained consciousness, Thea returned to her own little family, taking a day to regroup. “I needed a day to recenter, which I spent with my family.”

When asked how her brother’s suicide attempt has impacted her, Thea reflected on how she’s more comfortable holding space for loved ones who are worried about a family member with suicidal thoughts. “I’m very intentional about exploring their options and often hear how they are worried about upsetting their loved one if they take action. I self-disclose, saying I still have my brother because of taking action.” Thea provides resources and holds a lot of compassion for loved ones under this kind of stress. Unfortunately, the system has failed her brother in some ways. “After his inpatient stay, he wasn’t able to continue the medications they prescribed or see an outpatient provider because he had lost his job and didn’t have health insurance.”

Thea named that her brother is doing better, but is still struggling to access resources due to challenges with employment. She checks in more often, and offers her support to him even though they continue to live in different states. Thea also recognizes how her brother’s experience reinforces her gratitude in working within a system that provides access to care when people need it. She encourages colleagues to take suicidal thought seriously in their work, and to remain curious about the impact on the person with suicidal thoughts as well as their loved ones. “I still have a brother, and I would do [a welfare check] again in a heartbeat.” Thea recognizes we are both humans and professionals in mental health, and encourages clinicians to be gentle with themselves in emergencies like these. “Give yourself time and take care of yourself.”

*The interviewed professional’s name has been changed to protect confidentiality.

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

5 Tips for a Successful Children's Book

Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

As a writer and published author of soon-to-be eight books, I recently embarked on the journey of a children’s book and received questions from my community about the process. Have you always wanted to write a children’s book? Are you curious about the steps? Let’s look at five tips for a successful children’s book under the self-publishing model!

1. Know the Market

For most people, your journey starts when you get an idea of a topic or plot you want to capture for your audience of kids. What books are already out there with a similar plot or topic focus? If there aren’t many, you have a brighter green light to go forward with your book. In contrast, if there are popular books already out there on the topic, or your plot is too similar to a best-seller, you could put yourself at risk of trademark or copyright infringement, so make sure your topic or spin on a topic is truly unique!

2. Confirm Your Audience

Now that you’ve confirmed your topic has value, who is your audience? Is it a certain age of children? Elementary aged kids? Parents with kids with a particular challenge, like kids going through divorce, kids starting at a new school, kids struggling with ADHD? In my process, I reached out to four child therapists in my community that I respected to see if they’d read my text for feedback. I asked them what age they felt it was written for when working with kids—a population I haven’t served in 7+ years—which helped me narrow down my age range for illustrations of the characters and future marketing.

3. Invest in Illustrations

A children’s book has to have eye-catching illustrations and cover design for people to want to pick it up. Therefore the most significant investment (both in time and money) is illustrations. If you are a creative person, you could attempt to complete the illustrations yourself. For many of us, however, the illustrations come to life through contracting another professional who specializes in children’s book illustration. I put out a request for proposal for an illustrator on upwork.com and had over 35 responses in 36 hours. The next step is taking a look at their portfolios to see what designs speak to you, and confirming price point and pages.

Tips:

1. Amazon KDP self-publishing requires a minimum of 24 pages to publish

2. Color illustrations cost more than traditional books to print

3. Set your budget for the project versus an hourly rate to manage costs. Plan for a range of $1000-$3000 USD depending on the contractor you hire, how many characters you want created, and how many pages your book includes.

4. Embrace Creativity and Communication

Once you hire an illustrator, your job isn’t done. Now comes the part about communicating your vision so they can bring your story to life! What aspects or details do you want included in your characters? Can you “paint the scene” in words for your illustrator to draft-up each page as part of your story line? I enjoyed this process the most because it challenged me to communicate what I was seeing in my head into details my illustrator could work with. Don’t be afraid to speak up about changes in the sketching phase to get things “just right.” After the illustrator gets your go-ahead, they add color for the final design.

5. Identify your Keywords

In the self-publishing space, keywords matter. Thousands of books are being released each day, so ensuring that your audience can find your book amidst millions of books is critical. I enjoy working with Richard Wolf at Wolf Design and Publishing. He’s fast, affordable, and shows his process of finding the keywords that will best help folks find your book when he delivers the results for you to put into your Amazon listing prior to publishing.

Your dream of writing a children’s book can be a reality! Embrace these five tips to get your children’s book out of your head and onto paper! I look forward to learning more about your process and celebrating the launch of your future book with you!

The Human in the Helper: I found out on Facebook

Cathy has a disarming, warm personality that shows up well on video and in person. When she’s not writing her next book or offering workshops, she’s enjoying her dogs or recording new content for her online classes. Cathy isn’t afraid to talk about things that feel heavy, like being scammed or death and dying. It’s one of the many things that makes her the ideal person to talk to therapists about professional wills. She also has the lived experience of losing two colleagues suddenly. “Grant and I worked together on projects and I asked him to be the executor of my professional will,” Cathy shared. Grant said yes, and asked Cathy to be his executor as well. But then Grant didn’t get around to writing a will before he died suddenly. “Amidst my grief, I had to find a way to get his files.” Cathy went on to describe how she learned of his sudden death. “I found out on Facebook. It was sad and difficult.”

Cathy shares how she had to compartmentalize her grief in order to take care of things for Grant. “I had to figure out how to reach his family. I had to find his calendar to notify his clients.” Cathy describes a frantic search for Grant’s files, which were in three different places. She worried about clients showing up to sessions and wondering where he was. She worried that clients would find out about his death through social media too, adding a traumatic layer to their loss. “Every phone call was hard,” Cathy named. She held space for Grant’s clients in their grief and helped them connect with new providers, which felt like a process for both her and them.

That wasn’t the end of Cathy’s grief. Two years later, a second colleague died suddenly. It was another tragic example of someone who didn’t have a professional will in place. Although Cathy wasn’t the executor for this colleague, she had some realizations from her experiences of loss. “I knew my professional will wasn’t going to cut it.” She also realized that more colleagues needed to understand the importance of a professional will, for themselves, their clients, and their families. “I needed to take some action,” Cathy shared.

Cathy began gathering materials for a more in-depth professional will template, in honor of her experiences with Grant and her second colleague who had died. She started offering workshops to help therapists craft their professional will, and noticed how her experiences with colleague loss had changed her profoundly. “I noticed that I didn’t shy away from saying death or dying.” C

Cathy saw firsthand how crafting a professional will triggered her colleagues. It caused a fear of death to surface, and it asked people to look at their own mortality. “It showed up in every single workshop,” Cathy named. She describes how some colleagues needed to take a break, while others wanted to pause and come back to writing their will at a later time. Cathy recognizes this is a difficult but necessary process for many.

“Just get something written down,” she says. “Anything helps. Talk to a colleague, or tell someone where you keep your key.” Cathy shares how the more someone can plan and get into the details, the more it helps others. She also suggests exploring the wording of what you want your executor to say about your death. Are details important? Is there wording that feels least harmful to the clients left behind? Professional wills represent more than just details of where to find your files or client information. “It’s something to guide a colleague,” Cathy says, “it shows care for your clients, it shows care for the person doing this process for you, and it shows care for your family members who are in grief.”

You don’t have to do this by yourself. Access Cathy’s online course for writing your professional will HERE.

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

The Human in the Helper: My clients didn't know

Sharon loves using humor in her therapeutic work, which serves her well considering she works with a variety of clients including children to older adults. It’s also helped her navigate almost four years of medical challenges. “I had three medical issues in a row!” Sharon shared. She reflected on needing serious medical care that felt disruptive to her work-life balance for several years. “It was hard. Sometimes it was great to be with clients because I needed to think of things other than the pain.”

Even as Sharon was attempting to navigate her pain, most of her clients didn’t know she was going through so much. “Clients would be shocked to know what I went through. They had no idea. I had to think about if it would hurt or help clients to know,” she said. This was possible due to her offering telehealth sessions where clients couldn’t see the medical changes or recovery equipment in her life at that time. Sharon went on to describe how she didn’t want to reinforce attachment traumas for certain clients or cause them to worry about her, resulting in clients attempting to caregive her rather than focusing on their own stuff in therapy. “We have to be curious about if honesty is helpful, or if it just makes it about us, “ Sharon warns.  It helps us reflect on the purpose of self-disclosure when things are happening in our personal lives, exploring the impact on our client work from multiple viewpoints.

Sharon isn’t saying that clients come first, however. When it comes to medical care and health and wellness needs, she recommends therapists treat themselves likes CEOs. “Be the CEO of your business where your needs come first, then your client care.” She named how making her health a priority actually helped her get better, and allowed her to serve her clients better when feeling well again.

An important part of Sharon’s recovery in needing medical care was her own support system. She reflects on how embracing vulnerability and sharing her struggles with colleagues helped her reduce her caseload with thoughtful referrals when she was feeling tapped out. She named gratitude for a spouse who encouraged her to do what needed to be done in order to get better.  “There’s a strength in saying there’s no way I can get through this on my own.”

Sharon is celebrating that she’s in a better spot with her health today, and recognizes that the lived experience of multiple medical concerns has made her a better clinician in some ways. “Having to sit in the question of ‘is this it?’ myself allows me to sit in this heaviness with clients.” Whether it’s aging, end of life, or the loss of a loved one, she feels prepared to slow down with clients and feel the big emotions that come with mortality and loss. She continues to hold passion for her client work and gratitude for her experiences, and names a willingness to keep her health a first priority amidst her calling as a clinician. “As long as I can take a break from any surgeries or medical crises in 2024,” Sharon grinned.

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!