Stopping the Steamroll

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We’ve all been there. Talking down to ourselves, allowing our inner critic to drive, or letting imposter syndrome win. I felt all that and more as my baby cried for an agonizing sixty minutes. I’d gone through the new parent checklist. Hungry? No. Wet? Nope. Tired? Not really. Too hot? Maybe? It was another 6pm witching hour and I felt helpless as she cried. A helplessness that was made worse by my inability to fix things when I usually feel somewhat capable.

Motherhood is different. Thankfully my daughter tired herself out and reset her little body through a nap in the soothing vibrations of her bouncy chair (thank goodness). The sudden absence of scream-crying allowed me to reset too, which had me wondering if the same strategies I’ve used with driven professionals could help me reset after a challenging time with an infant.

Such as how do we stop the steamroll? I originally described stopping the steamroll related to productivity, workaholism, and desires for control in my book Perfectioneur: From Workaholic to Well-Balanced. I highlighted how driven professionals may steamroll over internal and external warning signs of poor work-life balance and burnout or even steamroll over others for a sense of control. But what about when the steamroll happens in our own heads? The negative thought spiral that says we’re stupid, horrible, or not good enough? I knew I needed to revisit my strategies to stop the steamroll after the difficult evening with my 2-month-old. Let’s look at “the Four R’s” together.

Strategy #1: Rest

I found myself sitting in the quiet after her witching hour. I could have distracted myself with food, chores, or my phone. But instead I allowed myself to take a few breaths and just notice what my body and mind were doing. My body was trying to bring my shoulders down from around my ears. My mind was trying to find an explanation for why my daughter struggled this evening. For you, rest may be sitting still, gentle walking, or intentional stretching in a quiet place. After so much stimulation, I welcomed the cool and quiet of my room to finally rest as my baby slept. Bringing the body to rest allows us to start the reset process.

Strategy #2: Reframe

The more I talk with other parents, the more I realize I’m not alone in having a baby who fusses sometimes. To have the witching hour confirmed as something other parents experience was immensely affirming. Now that we were out of the most current witching hour episode, I knew I wanted to reframe the situation to avoid setting up camp with my inner critic. After all, she’s pretty harsh. So instead of allowing my critic to repeat how inept of a parent I am, I reframed the situation as another learning experience. Statements like, ‘I’m still learning about my daughter, she’ll 11 weeks old. I can do this. She’s safe, I’m safe.’  What reframes do you need in the face of stress?

Strategy #3: Reinforce

Once I reframed the situation, I wanted to put energy towards the more positive statements. I wanted to reinforce the good over the bad. Reinforcing can happen through bilateral tapping or mindful walking. It could be sharing your experience with others and practicing the reframe out loud. I found myself turning to fellow mothers who understand the difficulties of a baby’s witching hour and shared my reframes with them. Not only did this help me feel connected, the reinforcement allowed me to access gratitude and self-compassion in a tough situation.

Strategy #4: Restore

The last piece of the stopping the steamroll puzzle is to restore. To get back to square one. What energizes, invigorates, and restores you? In my motherhood example, restoring meant bonding with my daughter and engaging in pleasant activities to remove the spotlight on challenging moments. It meant cuddling and walks together in the sunshine. It meant finding reasons to laugh instead of cry. It meant making new memories and getting some sleep.

Whatever your stressor, know that steamrolling doesn’t have to be your first response. We can stop the steamroll and quiet our inner critics together. The four R’s helped me find more laughs than tears in motherhood. The same could apply to other stressors in your life. It’s not perfect, but I’m right there alongside you! We are doing our best and that’s enough.

Dear Workaholic Mothers

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I see you. Motherhood is a different flavor of workaholism. It caught me by surprise. It’s a workaholism where society normalizes sleep deprivation, never having time to yourself, constantly being touched, and being overwhelmed by tasks. It’s made lighter by saying you are successful if you get to brush your teeth and take a shower each day. Knowing these things, I did my best to prepare for a significant change, however the lived experience of motherhood has brought some new perspective.

Perspective that came to me in a flood of tears. I was attempting to watch a movie with my spouse on a Sunday together when my mood tanked. As a therapist, of course I wanted to know why. As I sat with the heavy emotions, I recognized the feelings as familiar to my worst workaholic days. The feelings–and the thoughts that went with them–were all themed around not having enough time. Not enough time as a mother, time with my spouse, time to create as an entrepreneur, time to relax, and the list goes on. I found myself back in neuroticism about tracking time. When did my daughter last eat? What time do we need to get ready for bed? Do I have time for a nap? Can I find time for that phone call? What time will her witching hour start? Can I run that last errand before she loses it? 

Having to track time as a mom has triggered the unpleasant, familiar feeling of scarcity. Time scarcity. Which is wrapped up in a workaholism response for me and other driven individuals. Now the tears make sense! If I believe I have no time, would I feel forced to forgo quality time to work? Skip a much needed nap to create? Cram in a task out of a sense of urgency? Fixate on all the things I haven’t done in the day? This was new territory for me as someone who embraces structure in her day-to-day life, including nine wonderful hours of sleep a night and carving out time for writing and creativity each week. Alas, a baby doesn’t subscribe to that schedule. 

Luckily, I have a loving spouse who wishes to remain an involved parent and partner. So we started talking about the tears and what they represented, allowing me to gain even further clarity on how workaholic women can make motherhood work for them rather than our knee-jerk reaction to cram it all in.

Motherhood can be manageable if:

• You aren’t isolated – The isolation of being alone with your child all day, every day is intimidating at first. Can isolation make postpartum anxiety and depression worse? Yes. How can you get out a couple times a week, like sitting outside, a walk around the neighborhood, or a drive where your baby can sleep?

• You have help – Becoming a mom has given me an additional dose of respect for single parents. This job is hard! I’m grateful to have a support system that includes my spouse and family who love to spend time with my daughter. Who is in your support network? Embrace times where baby can be held or watched by others to allow moments of productivity, creating a welcomed mood boost for workaholics.

• You focus on routines instead of schedules – Babies are constantly changing which means they don’t stick to a schedule, no matter how hard a workaholic mom tries. I, myself have learned to embrace routine over schedule. The routine might be to change a diaper, bathe my baby, and then feed my baby, but the timing of that is really dependent on her needs rather than the time on the clock each day.

• You try to be flexible – This is a big ask for workaholics as we want to control everything! So flexibility might be being gentle with yourself when you’re running late, have to reschedule plans, or need to cancel a meeting for a nap that keeps you functioning.

• You know your limits – Yes, even workaholics have limits. We want to cram it all in, even in motherhood. So what are your warning signs that you’ve overdone it? Do you find yourself more irritable? Clumsy? Fatigued? Take these cues into account as you plan your weeks so you can adjust accordingly.

• You watch for the witching hour – Did you know your baby has a witching hour? I didn’t until I experienced it several days in a row at 6PM. After a day of stimulation where everything is new to your baby, they may just decide they’ve had enough at the end of the day. And by enough, I mean they lose it including crying, screaming, and being inconsolable at times. This is extremely tough when you too are tired and fatigued at the end of the day. To feel more prepared, I’ve announced to friends and family that we have to be home by 6PM from any event or gathering, at least for now. You too can set limits on socializing to be home for those routines that regulate your baby during the witching hour, such as limited sounds, smells and the dark and quiet of their room.

As a new mom, I know this is just the beginning of what I can only imagine is a steep learning curve. Yet I hope these thoughts will help other workaholics (or recovering workaholics) embrace motherhood from a place of wonder and curiosity. It’s an opportunity to stretch out of our comfort zones for the better. As driven individuals we can frame it as a challenge that helps us move into better work-life balance, if not for ourselves, then for our children. 

Challenge accepted.

Satisfactory Self-Disclosure

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For many in mental health, self-disclosure is a point of disagreement. Do we self-disclose? Does self-disclosure make it more about us than our clients? Can it get us in trouble? I know my graduate program in counseling urged caution about self-disclosing for a variety of reasons, which were again reinforced by my first job in juvenile corrections. Messages were shared like, protect yourself! Listen, don’t talk! Disclosing could invalidate a client’s experience! Don’t do it! And so on.

Therefore it took me several years to see the value of self-disclosure in connecting with clients at a deeper level in their therapeutic work. For example, watching the disclosure help them relax, knowing they weren’t alone. Seeing them take a deep breath to know it isn’t just them. Having clients report they feel seen in receiving reassurance or validation. Witnessing these meaningful shifts, I can now admit I’m a fan of self-disclosure, within reason of course. There’s a time and place for self-disclosure that feels satisfactory to both us as providers and to our clients. Let’s take a look at some of the suggested structure of self-disclosure and how it can be beneficial in client work.

#1 Keep It Short

Keeping self-disclosure condensed to one or two sentences keeps us from oversharing.

Example: “Yes, I’ve experienced anxiety too.”

#2 Focus on Your Client

By holding the focus on your client, you avoid making the session feel more about you than them.

Example: “I’m curious, with my sharing of having experienced depression before, what does that mean to you and the work we can do together?”

#3 Identify the Purpose of Self-Disclosure

Before you decide to disclose, slow down to ask yourself what the purpose of the disclosure is. Is it to build rapport? Provider reassurance? Validate or normalize? These are worthwhile reasons to self-disclose, as opposed to feeling like we have an agenda, a point to prove, or we are oversharing with no therapeutic direction to go.

Example: “In working with other clients with social anxiety, they found being able to talk about it brought them some comfort. How is it for you?”

#4 Check in

Once you’ve self-disclosed, check in on how it landed for the client. Notice any shifts in their face or body language that would indicate their current level of comfort. Recognize if they shift to caregiving you or keeping the focus on your experience instead of their own. Ask them outright if the self-disclosure was okay with them.

It’s also important to see how the self-disclosure landed for you. Did it feel natural? Worthwhile? Did you find yourself worrying that you shared too much? Perhaps you recognize that you self-disclose with this client more than others in liking them or seeing them more like a friend. These are important elements to notice and track through supervision and consultation to maintain a healthy therapeutic relationship.

Self-disclosure can enrich your therapeutic work when embraced and applied thoughtfully. It can help a client open up, build trust, or show up more authentically in session. It can also isolate or discount a client’s experience when used too liberally or when it comes out in a way that minimizes their experience. Therefore I hope these tips can help you identify the sweet spot for self-disclosure in your own work, embracing it when it feels right and holding boundaries to keep the focus on your client and their growth as the top priority in therapy.

Setting Up Services: Supervision versus Consultation

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When thinking about services you want to offer in your business, it’s not unusual to explore offering both consultation and supervision as part of your mental health leadership. In fact, it’s a common question I get when supporting fellow supervisors and leaders who are building their brands as professionals. So let’s take a look at the opportunities and differences between consultation and supervision as you consider offering these valuable services in your work with others.

Clinical Supervision can be defined as a licensed mental health professional supervising an unlicensed or candidate mental health professional in their therapeutic work as they pursue licensure. Some things to note:

·      Supervision must be scheduled regularly per your licensing board

·      Supervision requires contract of expectations for both supervisor and supervisee

·      Supervision comes with liability for the licensed professional taking on an unlicensed professional until they achieve their own licensure

Professional Consultation can be defined as a written and/or verbal agreement to provide insight, suggestions, and resources to a colleague who is paying for your expertise. Some things to note:

·      Consultation can be scheduled as a one-and-done or as needed basis

·      Instead of a contract, there is a written agreement about the parameters of consultation including fees, duration, and specialities the consultant can speak to.

·      Consultation, as a professional service, has reduced liability similar to paying for a product. The consumer—in this case a colleague—agrees to a fee for your knowledge and expertise to support their goals.

So how can this look different when a fellow mental health professional outreaches you?

Consultation requests may sound like:

·      Can I pick your brain about building a group private practice?

·      Can I schedule consultation with you on a client’s OCD presentation and next steps?

·      Can we find a time to talk about suicide prevention resources in Colorado?

·      I’d like to staff a case with a recent DV incident, how do I schedule with you?

Supervision requests may sound like:

·      I’m seeking a supervisor who specializes in EMDR and Play Therapy

·      I’m looking for a supervisor who can support my clinical work outside of my agency that offers admin supervision only

·      I’m searching for a LAC supervisor to sign off on my hours

·      I’ve recently graduated and am seeking a supervisor as a I start private practice

Although an evaluation of appropriateness of supervision vs. consultation is encouraged at every outreach, knowing the context of what you can offer is a valuable first step when receiving an inquiry from your community. I hope this brief exploration of the differences in what you offer under each umbrella can help you in setting up your services with confidence!

Six Tips for Your TEDx

Khara completed her first TEDx Talk The Burden of Busyness with TEDxCherryCreekWomen December 4th 2021.

So you are interested in applying for a TEDx talk? I know it was a professional goal for myself over these past few years and man has it been a journey! Check out this video conversation I have with two close colleagues about WHY we’ve decided to apply to a TEDx talk. Want to know more of my TEDx story? Check out the before and after blogs from my talk with TEDxCherryCreekWomen!

If you know a TEDx is for you and you have an idea worth spreading, here are some valuable tips I learned along the way.

Tip #1 Know Which TEDx Talks are Accepting Applications

Did you know there’s a whole directory available for upcoming TEDx talks? You can sort by location, month, and by type of TEDx (virtual or in person) in order to apply to several talks per month if you like!

Tip #2 Customize Your Content to the TEDx Theme

TEDx talks are independently organized of TED and get to select their own themes each year. Check out each TEDx website to learn more about their theme in order to craft you application in ways that compliment that theme. For example, if their theme is innovation, how is your idea supportive of innovation in order to be considered a viable candidate for their stage?

Tip #3 Follow the Application Rules

This one may feel silly to have to emphasize but if the TEDx you are applying to has certain rules about the length of your application such as word limits or 30 seconds for a video submission, follow these! If you don’t, you may be automatically eliminated from the pool of applicants for not following instructions.

Tip #4 Have a Hook

Once you receive your exciting news of acceptance, it’s time to start crafting your talk! With the average TEDx talk being between 8 and 12 minutes, this can feel especially challenging. Having a hook starts your talk off on the right foot by engaging your audience. Examples of hooks could be a statistic, a question for the audience, or a rhetorical question that gets them thinking and relating to you from the beginning.

Tip #5 Craft a Call to Action

As your talk comes together, be sure to have a call to action at the end. What is the one thing you want your audience to do after your talk? Do you want them to do a task? Share what they learned with others? Try something at home? A call to action keeps the inspiration and motivation flowing for your audience long after you leave the stage!

Tip #6 Candy Land over Memorization

What does Candy Land have to do with TEDx? It was the way I was taught to craft a talk without memorization. Imagine you are taking your audience on a journey. There are colored squares that represent transitions or emphasis of certain points within your talk while allowing it to flow. This visualization feels different to me than memorization that would keep a talk feeling robotic. I know this idea may push you out of your comfort zone for many reasons but this may be the best advice I was given to show up authentically on stage!

So there you have it! Six tips for your TEDx! I hope they help you on your journey to a life changing moment on stage!

Check out Khara’s TEDx talk The Burden of Buysness

What You Need to Know When Offering CEs to Counselors

I want to offer Continued Education Credits (CEs) to mental health counselors. What are my options?

It’s a question I’ve received more often lately by Colorado professionals. I’ll preface my answer by sharing that each State and designation (LPC, PsyD, LCSW, etc.) is different. Please do the research for your state and designation or consider credentialing at the National level. When approached with this inquiry by the community, I ask the following questions to better understand their goals:

Why Offer CEs as a Professional?

Perhaps you have the goal of creating secondary income streams. Maybe you feel passionately about the content you’ve created. Whatever the reason, CEs allow professionals to enhance their leadership and public speaking skills, not to mention open doors to new opportunities, including paid speaking gigs, podcast interviews to enhance exposure to your brand and services, program partnerships, and project collaboration!

What is Your Content Area?

The first thing to consider is your content. Is your training content specific to mental health competencies like group work, clinical supervision, or a theory or modality? If so, you may be eligible to apply for a national CE provider designation.

If your content is more closely connected to business aspects such as marketing, private practice growth, and secondary income streams, these areas are still valuable to share with the community, but cannot be branded as CE opportunities due to them not meeting the traditional definition of continued education credits.

Do You Want to Offer In-Person or Online Events?

This is a logistics question that will help narrow down your application options. Some organizations are only approved to do live or in-person events. Others have permission to offer webinars and on-demand content. Consider what is most important to you. Do you like the feeling of being in front of others speaking? Would you rather develop an on-demand course people can take at their own pace? Take some time to consider the possibilities before answering the remaining questions below.

What is Your Mental Health Background?

It’s easiest to apply to offer CEs through your own professional affiliation, such as through NBCC (counselors), NASW (social workers), APA (psychologists), NAADAC (addiction professionals), etc. Visit their website to learn more about their application process.

Who is Your Audience?

Is your hope to serve fellow mental health professionals in your state? Or reach further? In Colorado, CEs can be developed for counseling professionals statewide with the following structure in mind:

A. A sign-in sheet recording participants in attendance

B. Provide a certificate of attendance/participation that outlines the following:

            I. Title of Event

II. Contact information for the Faciliator including Name, Credentials, Address, and Phone

            III. Duration of the event in CEs, with one CE equal to one contact hour

            IV. Identifying if the event was live (in-person) or virtual

In other words, Colorado is pretty easy for folks to offer CEs. Other states may not embrace this same structure in having their own rules and parameters of what can be branded as CEs, so be careful to confirm what’s allowed based on where your audience is located. This also becomes important in marketing your course or content accurately.

What’s Your Timeline?

Many people are motivated to develop and launch a CE opportunity in a matter of weeks. That may be possible for Colorado, but for offering CEs in other states and/or at a national level, be prepared for the process to take six months to a year!

For example, to become an Approved Continued Education Provider (ACEP) through the National Board of Certified Counselors (NBCC)—which means offering CEs for counselors nationwide—the application requires several examples of the workshop or training already being offered, with sign-up sheets and evaluations from participants submitted with your application. This means that for many, test driving your content with a local audience to get the feedback you need to apply is necessary.

What if You Don’t Have the Time or Bandwidth for this Process but Still Want to Offer CEs?

Consider partnering with an established CE provider who has permission to develop coursework with partners in the community. This usually means bigger organizations like community mental health agencies, treatment centers, mental health hospitals, conferences, and training centers.

I’d like to personally give a shout out to the following organizations that provided a professional platform for my workshops before I became an ACEP Provider, who made the process easy to reach fellow clinicians around quality content:

A. Harmony Foundation, Inc.

B. Sandstone Care

C. Continued.com

D. Highlands Behavioral Health

Organizations are always looking for additional speakers or presenters to offer new CE content. By researching organizations in your area that offer CEs, you can pitch your idea to them and work to get on their CE event schedule.

So there you have it! Although there may be some lingering questions about offering CEs, these elements are worth reflecting upon when identifying your ideal path for trainings or workshops offered to the mental health professional community at large. I encourage you to continue to track the requirements in your state and designation for ongoing changes and prepare for the long haul when starting the application process. I can assure you it will be worth the effort if you feel passionately about your content being connected to more professionals!

When a Client Feels They Aren’t Making Progress

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You see an email from a client between sessions that states they don’t feel like they are making enough progress in therapy. You find your stomach tightening and your mind begins to spiral. You catch yourself thinking, “am I not an effective therapist? Am I failing them somehow?” After all, many mental health professionals take ownership over session progress or failure as we have a lot invested in the clients we serve.

I want to normalize this experience by stating that an initial emotional reaction to perceived negative feedback is valid. Our desire to help others is valid. Even the client bringing up their progress or lack thereof is valid. To truly embrace this experience as a growth opportunity for our clients and ourselves, consider the following steps to remain grounded and present through the process.

Notice Your Own Stuff. It’s important to notice our reactions and responses to a client saying they don’t feel they are making progress. We may question our abilities. We may find ourselves hurt or defensive. We may want to argue with the client. Notice how you want to respond and hold space for those feelings. Seek supervision or consultation if it can help you hold and process those emotions in preparation for moving forward to the next step.

Remain Curious. It’s important to remain curious about why a particular response is coming up for you. Do you recognize a people-pleasing part of that wants all clients to be happy with the work you do? Are you fearful of a negative review? Did their comment reveal deeper fears of feeling out of your element or incompetent? Perhaps you are feeling blindsided by their feedback because you felt the last few sessions were full of powerful processing. Remain curious about what response is showing up loudest and why.

Boldly Brainstorm. Once you’ve recognized your own response to feedback and work through it, you are ready to re-engage your client. What would it be like to explore their bravery at naming how they feel? Can they identify the barriers that prevented them from bringing it into the room in a previous session? Is there an expectation that needs to be clarified for them to feel good about the work? Or do they need a different fit or referral based on their progress to date? By modeling for the client that these types of conversations are welcome, not only can we better understand where they are coming from to brainstorm solutions, we can also encourage transparency in communication going forward.

Although a client reporting they feel they aren’t making enough progress can be initially upsetting, it can serve as a powerful opportunity to reconnect and communicate on the expectations and structure of therapy for the better. I hope these ideas can help you navigate unfamiliar territory with grace so that future feedback can not only enhance a client’s therapeutic process, but your clinical skills as well!

A Letter to Professional Helpers

Hello fellow helpers! I’m so excited that you’re considering my new book Helpers with Hashimoto’s: The Rise of Thyroid Conditions in Professional Helpers and What We Can Do About It.  Written for professional helpers experiencing compassion fatigue, stress, burnout, and so much more, we have a calling to help others that, in turn, feeds our soul. We breathe it. We embrace it. We live it. 

We want to make a difference and an impact in others’ lives! As a mental health therapist for more than a decade, this resonates with me. It’s the starfish story. If you haven’t come across this poem before, I hope you’ll search for it! I get goosebumps and teary eyed almost every time I share it with someone new. Of course, we all want to make a difference for each starfish/person we help. But we also struggle to slow down and take care of ourselves. How do we do both? Can we help that starfish then sit on the beach, digging our toes into the sand and feeling the sun on our faces? How do we learn to breathe it all in? Can we remain helpful without running ourselves into the ground?

As a therapist, I discovered I was suffering from burnout in 2017. I had symptoms for years before then and pushed through them. In the words of Petersen, How Millennials Became The Burnout Generation, “Like other type-A overachievers, I didn’t hit walls, I worked around them” (2020).

It’s awkward to admit that as a professional, I didn’t really register what was happening. Even though my hair was falling out, I had gained weight, and I was experiencing mood swings where I fantasized about quitting my job almost daily. I’d ignored the puffy face I didn’t recognize in the mirror between meetings. I’d feel depression symptoms in the morning and bounce back to feeling like myself by lunchtime. It was wild. I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s in late 2018, being told by the doctor that as long as I wasn’t planning to have kids anytime soon, I would just live with the symptoms as they were.

No thank you. Suffering through symptoms isn’t good enough. Not by a long shot. With thyroid conditions on the rise, there is more overlap between chronic stress, burnout, and thyroid functioning than we’d previously realized. Folks are being diagnosed with anxiety and depression who actually have a hypoactive thyroid. One in eight people have a thyroid condition now, most often women. And since women are also more likely to choose helping professions, I started to see them more frequently as clients in my therapeutic work. I could no longer ignore my own thyroid condition. My clients were paralleling my journey of desiring a better quality of life and I wanted to help them achieve it.

Hashimoto’s, an autoimmune condition that attacks one’s own thyroid and kills it over time, is the culprit for a lot of my symptoms. It contributes to fatigue, weight gain, anxiety and depression, and creates pregnancy challenges for some women. As I saw more and more professional helpers in my therapy practice, I realized they were being given the same messaging as me. Deal with it. Push through as is. This is your life now.

I refuse to accept this messaging and you should too. This book serves as a guide back to wellness. It is a journey of four professional women, myself included, who fight for the quality of their lives so they can remain impactful helpers and healthy individuals. Like Briana, who went through several doctors before she found answers as to why she’d gained 60 pounds within months. Or Liliana, who works through a checklist each month to explore if her symptoms are due to her thyroid, burnout, or something else. And Amy, who is still adjusting her diet in response to thyroid flare ups and gastric distress years after her diagnosis. Or me, a burnout consultant who questions if I’m doing enough for my clients while not wanting to ignore my own body’s needs. It’s a daily balancing act.

If this resonates with you, I’m glad you’re here! As professional helpers, we need to better understand our susceptibility to chronic stress, burnout, and resulting thyroid conditions. Join me in exploring the contributing factors of helping professions that make these challenging experiences more likely. Let’s begin our journey of reprioritizing your health as a professional helper. Grab the book on Amazon in paperback and Kindle here.

Warmly,

Khara

Meeting Your Money Milestones

For many small business owners, entering the last quarter of the year prompts us to revisit our numbers. Perhaps we are trying to wrap up projects or carve out time for new ones in the new year. What if we are wanting to see if we hit our annual revenue goal? Or maybe it’s our desire to see how 2021 compared to the strangeness that was 2020. Whatever the reason, we tend to feel some pressure to finish strong before the holidays. I know this feels true for me, especially with the added milestone of buying our first house this Fall! So what are you missing in your toolkit to meet your money milestones? Let’s take a look at some Financial Therapy tools that have worked wonders for other business owners!

Know Your Numbers

I know this may seem like a no-brainer, but it isn’t uncommon for a small business owner to experience avoidance, overwhelm, guilt, or shame when trying to get closer to their numbers. Do you know your monthly expenses? How about how much you make each month? What are your periodic expenses for the year, factored over 12 months? Although it may be emotional, this is an opportunity to get closer to your money which has long lasting, positive effects including increased confidence and security in your business. Do you feel like you already have these elements locked in? Consider the 50-30-20 rule for your business versus your personal expenses. This can be a thought-provoking, next-level exercise in healing our relationship to money for driven professionals everywhere!

Rename Your Accounts

A personal favorite, it’s amazing to see the shifts that happen when business owners rename their accounts to something that has more emotional buy-in. How different would it feel to see a savings account named “Vacation to Hawaii” or an account that says “Dream Home” when putting money aside each month? How would it feel to rename a credit card to “Life-changing Trip to Italy” rather than credit card debt? This simple but powerful shift in how we think and feel about our money can make all the difference in staying committed to our savings goals or our debt reduction plan. So think about what words would capture a positive emotion for you when you sign into your bank accounts online. Try a couple of names on for size and see how they land. You can always rename your accounts again and again as you work to find the best fit.

Talk About Money

This tip may seem strange and yet talking about money continues to be a taboo conversation for many. Maybe it was discouraged in your family. Maybe it’s created a visceral reaction in you to talk about money with your partner, spouse, or business partner which has lead to fighting in the past. In order to heal your money story, you have to get close to it and talk about it. To be clear, I’m not suggesting you go around saying “I can’t afford ______.” That’s a self-limiting belief that we have all been caught saying to ourselves. I’m talking about taking the power out of money by making it a more casual conversation. Perhaps it’s celebrating a milestone with a colleague you trust. Or having what Bari Tessler calls a Money Date with your partner or spouse to check in on your goals. Maybe you are sharing what you’ve learned about yourself in your Financial Therapy work with friends and family. Although we know not everyone can hold these conversations with you in having to do their own work around money, modeling money chats as safe can cause a positive ripple effect for those who wish to partake.

Revisit Your Money Monthly

Lastly, once you start the work of knowing your numbers, don’t forget about them! The work of money healing is not a one-and-done process. You have to check in once in awhile. So what would it be like to set up a money date for yourself to review your numbers? Will you run a P&L for the business? Review bank statements to see what you made this month? Utilize a tool like TillerHQ, MoneyGrit, or YNAB which give you a snapshot of your month? There are plenty of possibilities here so discover what works for you and go for it!

I hope these tools are as impactful for you as they’ve been for other brave small business owners who wished to redefine their wealth, worth, and work-life balance. This is just the tip of the iceberg of what Financial Therapy can offer! If you feel inspired, intimidated, or just want the accountability of doing this work with someone who can offer the safe space and compassion to create a difference, please reach out!

Khara Croswaite Brindle is a Certified Financial Therapist-Level I™ Professional. Schedule your free 20 minute discovery call to explore Financial Therapy here.

What the Movie “Knives Out” Teaches Us About Money

There are millions of people in the world who would describe their relationship with money as “complicated.” Maybe it’s the belief that more money would make them happier, so they struggle with workaholism. Or they were taught that being rich leads to greed, so they spend their money as soon as they earn it. Perhaps they avoid looking at their bank statements because it causes them distress or shame to see the growing debt. All of these reactions are valid and become the focus of money healing work offered through Financial Therapy.

So where does the movie “Knives Out” come in? For someone who’s ready to explore their relationship with money, I encourage them to notice what shows up as they witness each character’s relationship with money in the movie. Is there a character you relate to? Does their behavior cause an emotional reaction in you? Notice any thoughts, feelings or judgements that come up.

“Knives Out” captures several money disorders in action. There are ten money disorders identified within Financial Therapy so far and these characters represent the emotional toll of disordered behaviors with money. Behaviors many of us want to heal and change in ourselves. So grab your popcorn and get ready to look at “Knives Out” from a whole new perspective by revisiting the characters below.

Are you similar to Marta Cabrera, the main character who finds herself the recipient of a large inheritance in addition to sudden grief and loss. Marta is a caregiver who suffers from Noble Poverty, the phenomenon that one must sacrifice their own financial stability in the name of helping others. The inheritance initially causes her distress and triggers questions about her worth until she shifts to seeing it as an opportunity to help her loved ones.

How do you see Ransom Drysdale, the antagonist in the story? Ransom’s expectation is that he is one of the rightful owners of the family fortune and should remain such, which causes him to threaten violence and be manipulative to get his way. His grandfather Harlan Thromby’s decision to bequest his fortune to his caregiver Marta instead of the family, infuriates Ransom. Ransom demonstrates Financial Denial about the changing circumstances of his spending due to his grandfather’s decision, which threatens the lifestyle Ransom has come to expect with his grandfather as his benefactor for years.

Maybe you recognize the behaviors of Linda Drysdale, mother to Ransom and daughter to Harlan, the benefactor in this story. Linda is a Financial Enabler, believing Ransom and the other family members deserve their inheritance based on blood relations and the commitment they’ve maintained to Harlan over the years. Because of this belief, she attempts to convince Marta of her obligation to return the inheritance to the family to allow them to continue their lifestyles, believing they have earned that right.

What about Walt Thromby, the dedicated, hard-working son who is left reeling when his father refused to bequest the business to him after his death. Walt knows he has helped grow the business and thus the fortune, demonstrating signs of Workaholism to prove his worth and value to his father Harlan for decades.

Or perhaps you recognize the emotional reaction of Joni Thromby, daughter to Harlan. Joni has leaned on the contributions of Harlan as a single mother. She demonstrates Financial Dependence, which causes her to panic when hearing from Harlan that he will no longer fund her lifestyle, reporting she is now on her own.

Which leads us to Meg Thromby, daughter of Joni. Meg represents Financial Enmeshment. Her dependence on mom Joni and reliance on grandfather Harlan who pays for her schooling, is jeopardized by Harlan’s decision to stop funding her and mom’s lifestyles. As a daughter, she feels obligated to speak up and secure funding in response to reactions of stress and self-preservation in both her and mom. Joni leans on Meg to fix things by asking Marta to return the money to the family.

Last but not least is Richard Drysdale, husband to Linda. Richard has married into the family and has his own agendas throughout the movie, which we learn when it’s discovered that he has a secret relationship with another woman. This leads us to wonder if he represents Financial Infidelity in addition to Relationship Infidelity, hiding accounts or funds from his wife as part of his secret life.

Other money disorders include Hoarding, Gambling, and Compulsive Spending. Although not blatantly represented throughout the movie, these money disorders could also be contributing to the urgency and unrest of the family, which aptly categorizes this movie as a drama.

What’s coming up for you? I enjoyed this movie for the entertaining who-done-it element that kept us all on our toes the first time we watched it. Now I value it for the money exploration and self-discovery it can offer in the world of Financial Therapy. Are you ready to watch it with new eyes? Perhaps it can assist you in crafting a new relationship with money!

Khara is a contracted Financial Therapist with Financial Therapy Solutions in Denver, CO.

Learn more about Financial Therapy and work with Khara here.