The Human in the Helper: It’s easier to prioritize our kids over ourselves

Jenny knows what it’s like to juggle many roles. At one point in the pandemic, she was running a small private practice, a second business of an online community, and working a full time job with a toddler at home. When her second child arrived, she was grateful for family to be present immediately after her son’s birth, an experience she didn’t get with her daughter who was born in September 2020. Jenny brought their son home, and days later noticed a rash developing on his tiny body but thought it was related to the 100 plus degree heat of Houston where they live. At her son’s check up, the doctor had concerns. “She calmly said, ‘you’re going to the emergency room now.’ I felt like I was in the dark as to what was going on but took him right away so they could run tests,” Jenny recalled. Her son was nine days old and remained in the hospital for three days as they waited for test results.

Jenny’s son had a staph infection. Although it was a relief to know the cause and receive treatment, Jenny found herself in self-blame. “Did I cause this to happen? Were there too many people around him at his birth? Should I have done something different?” Jenny isn’t alone in having these thoughts as a woman and mother. “I struggle to accept help. I tend to not rely on others and do things myself.” But as she stayed in the hospital with her son, relying on her spouse and others to keep things going at home was necessary.

A second opportunity to accept help from loved ones came when her son got a second staph infection at two months old while visiting family in Colorado. Jenny found herself telling clients about her son as she needed to cancel and reschedule appointments in order to address his needs. “It’s easier to prioritize our kids needs over our own,” Jenny reflected. She wants to operate from a ‘family comes first’ place but recognizes how that can feel challenging to herself and others when holding the role of primary earner in a household.

Figuring out our own needs as therapists and small business owners is a work in progress. Jenny had to learn how to slow down to meet her own needs. “Our bodies tell us when they’ve been ignored and neglected, and then we don’t have a choice in how to practice self-care.” As a mom, woman, and therapist who keeps others’ needs in mind, Jenny named the experience as “weaponized self-care, how are we supposed to do that?” She spoke to how it felt hypocritical to help clients and colleagues practice self-care when she wasn’t doing it well herself. Now she gives herself more grace and owns it when it happens. “I’m trying to model self-care but it’s not perfect,” she said.

Being a mom of two small children has also influenced her approach to self-care. “Our kids are purely living in the present, they model this for us. It’s also how we can recognize we aren’t taking care of ourselves in that present moment.” Jenny brings this insight into her online community for trauma therapists, who are working on their own journeys of balance and self-care. “We can join kids in the present moment, supporting healing and self-care through meaningful connection.”

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

The Human in the Helper: I was overwhelmed by how angry I felt

Julia is a mom and therapist who values working from an attachment lens with her clients. Becoming a new parent in the pandemic has also influenced her therapeutic work in ways she didn’t expect. “I was lonely. My husband was renovating our house and I was alone with our baby.” Julia describes feeling isolated and missing her supports due to them not being able to travel in the early stages of COVID-19. The absence of her spouse every day—who was attempting to make a house ready to become their home—and the absence of friends and family sparked anger in Julia. “I was overwhelmed by how angry I felt.” Although she felt loving and present with her son, Julia described significant anger showing up anytime she was apart from him and able to feel her feelings. “Then I felt shame for feeling so angry.”

Julia knew she needed to better understand where the anger was coming from. “Reading the book ‘Burn It Down’ really validated my feelings.” She discovered that many women’s postpartum experiences involve anger or rage in addition to anxiety and depression. That it wasn’t unusual to feel anger followed by shame. Julia knew that part of her feelings of anger was due to missing supports that would normalize her experiences and allow her to vent in healthy ways. “Feeling our anger allows it to move, which allows us to let go of shame.” Julia didn’t have this opportunity in the earliest stages of her parenting.

Since resources were limited in the pandemic, Julia found herself leaning on her lactation consultant, who would mask up and visit the home, reassuring Julia that her experiences were normal. “She was like a therapist, she was an angel.” Julia found things shifting for the better when her family was able to move into the renovated house and she was seeing her husband more regularly again. Then she started being able to interact with friends and family, which also improved her mental health.

Working with adults and fellow parents, Julia reflects on how her postpartum and parenting experiences have expanded her compassion for other parents. “I can see how they are stretched thin trying to parent and work,” she shared. As a therapist who operates from attachment and Internal Family Systems (IFS) lenses, Julia says the grace and compassion she has for other parents has only increased with her own lived experience as a parent who has battled anger and shame. She recognizes that without the validation of others and supports in place, mental health is negatively impacted. “What I learned about anger is why it’s here and how normal it is,” Julia shared.

Now Julia offers a parents of toddlers group where other women speak about their anger. It’s the community and safe space Julia was craving herself in a critical moment of her postpartum journey. “When unresolved anger turns inward, or when it’s not expressed appropriately, it makes us sick.” Julia is determined to create spaces for anger and shame to be expressed so they don’t fester and make people worse. She has noticed how suppressed emotions contribute to mental health conditions and wants things to be different for women and mothers. “My understanding of anger has given me a whole new perspective on mental health,” Julia named. Through IFS parts work, Julia is helping clients better understand their anger so they can process it appropriately. “Anger is here for a reason,” she shared, “we just have to discover why it’s here.”

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

Why Did I Write a Book about Mother-Daughter Estrangement?

Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships was inspired by my client work in therapy with women of all different backgrounds, but it was also informed by brief estrangement within my family tree, as well as four generations of estrangement in the family I’m married into. It’s a book that looks at a pattern I was seeing in the women I was serving as a therapist, specifically the energy estrangement was taking up in their lives and the possible stages they could experience as the result of a relationship rupture with their mom. I first wrote about the stages I was seeing—named the Estrangement Energy Cycle—in 2020. We were in the thick of the pandemic, and I think I was holding onto something that made sense at a time where nothing in the greater world made sense. I released a blog on the cycle that colleagues responded favorably to, affirming that they were seeing what I was seeing in their therapeutic work as well. That was when I knew I had a future book to write on the subject.

Fast forward to 2022, I’d self-published three books in three years on subjects that felt important to me and relevant to the populations I was serving. I had just become a mother to my own daughter and was on maternity leave when a request to review a book proposal came through, with an open invitation to pitch book ideas to the publisher. So my entrepreneurial brain said, why not? I was eight weeks postpartum when I submitted my book proposal, and my daughter was four months old when I started researching and writing this book. 

It’s not lost on me that I was writing a book about mother-daughter estrangement while fostering healthy attachment with my own infant daughter. Upon learning about my book deal with a publisher, my mom asked me outright if there was anything I needed to tell her. That conversation still makes me chuckle since I know she was just making sure that things between us were okay and it showed she was interested in this topic too. I’d had a couple tumultuous teenage years with my mom that I reflected upon while writing this book, which only strengthened my gratitude for our close relationship in my adult years as I watch her deep and unconditional love for my baby girl as her first grandchild. My mom had been estranged from her dad for a period of time as a young adult when her parents divorced after his infidelity. I know that my grandma’s devastation about the divorce influenced my mom’s decision to stop speaking to him. My grandma was so hurt and angry that I recall her speaking poorly of my grandfather to my sister and I as early as five years old, encouraging us to call him a derogatory nickname in her household as a sign of allegiance to her. This memory shaped a chapter of the book on the ripple effect on families, where family members feel pressured to declare loyalties to one family member or another as the result of the estrangement. 

Fortunately for my mom, she was able to reconcile with her dad and maintained a healthy, loving relationship with him for the remainder of his life, all while setting boundaries with her mom on how she expressed her hurt and distrust in front of us kids. Boundaries in families were again revisited when watching my in-laws pursue estrangement that resulted in four generations not speaking to one another over the course of several years. Observing the walking-on-eggshells dynamic, the justification for broken ties, and the sadness and hurt that resulted from those estrangements informed multiple chapters of this book, including what community members could say or do to support someone who is estranged. 

As for the writing process of this book, I would read and research estrangement during my daughter’s many naps as an infant, and would write for two hours every night after putting her to bed. Oftentimes the writing came easily, although sometimes I spent my evening reworking a chapter or story to address writer’s block and anchor myself in what content was coming next. A silly memory I have of this time was sitting in my closet on the floor, writing away while trying not to wake the baby, all while remaining several feet away in case she fussed or needed me.

My favorite part of this book was capturing stories of women going through the estrangement energy cycle, inspired by clients I’d served as a therapist for the past decade. Recalling my clients’ hard work was a gift, they had inspired this book’s content from the very beginning and writing about their stories felt like the work had come full circle. Not only was this book capturing the beautiful, vulnerable work clients had done for themselves, it would serve as a beacon of hope for other adult daughters exploring estrangement and reconciliation with their mothers.

Having colleagues to survey and beta reader feedback of the first draft helped flushed out the content even more. My mom has been the first reader and editor of all my books, so her feedback felt very symbolic for this book in particular. It even spurred some additional compassionate conversations about my grandma from the lenses of abuse and trauma, that I felt helped my mom heal from rocky relationship moments in their mother-daughter dynamic too. In writing every night, I finished and submitted my manuscript in four months time! Then came the journey of cover design and awaiting the finished product to put out in the world.

As I reflect on this journey today, I’m feeling so grateful for the process and connections this book has brought into my life as an author, therapist, and mother. Hearing from clinicians and adult daughters as readers of this book has been very fulfilling, and I hope it encourages healing for many readers, including the mothers and daughters within my own family tree.

Five Tips for Talking to Kids about Estrangement

“Mom, why don’t you talk to Grandma?”

Being an adult in a family with estranged loved ones feels challenging. Being a child witnessing that dynamic can be even more difficult. What does an adult daughter say to her child who asks why she doesn’t have a grandma? How do the adults in a child’s life explain estrangement? What can be shared when a child comes home with a family tree assignment and asks why they don’t have lots of family members like other kids? 

Over the years, child therapists and grief experts have emphasized the importance of straightforward and truthful answers to children regarding all sorts of difficult topics, including death and suicide. When it comes to the emotionally charged topic of estrangement, the same rules can apply. Let’s look at five tips for speaking to kids about estrangement:

1. Keep it Short and Straightforward

You may have heard of the acronym KISS. In our example, KISS stands for Keep it Short and Straightforward. The length of the explanation is directly related to the child’sage. Meaning a short, simple answer for a young child and a potentially longer, more detailed explanation for a teenager who wants to know what happened. Straightforward is important to emphasize because it captures the importance of being honest in our disclosures as parents. Just as mental health professionals would dissuade a parent from encouraging a child to view death as “the person is just sleeping,” to avoid or lie about a family estrangement could also backfire and have harmful consequences. 

2. Breathe

It’s understandable that your child’s questions about the estrangement can bring up emotions for you. It’s also not uncommon to overshare when feeling anxious or irritated. A great way to keep your emotions in check is to take a breath and ask your child what they want to know about the estrangement. Their answer may surprise you! 

3. Share as Much as They Want to Know

Don’t panic! As we alluded to in the previous tip, kids may have a simple thing they want to know that surprises you. They may have a quick question that doesn’t warrant significant anxiety, like asking where the person lives or if they look like anyone else in the family, or how old they are. Or they may want to know more about the conflict that led up to the estrangement, which would warrant a more detailed response. Even in this instance, taking a moment to pause allows you to remain mindful of what you share, keeping it focused on simple, straightforward details while grounding yourself in your emotions to avoid unintentionally oversharing with your child.

4. Validate their Feelings

It goes without saying that acknowledging your child’s emotions can go a long way in this conversation. How are they feeling with the information you shared? What if they are feeling sad, angry, or confused? Do they feel it’s safe to express these emotions to you?

5. Encourage other questions if they have them now or in the future.

Sometimes kids don’t know what other questions they have until they have some time to process what you’ve already shared. By saying out loud that they are welcome to ask other questions at any time provides a sense of reassurance and safety that it’s okay to come to you with questions, which most parents want their kids to do when navigating difficult topics of all kinds.

What would you add? With one in 12 people being estranged from at least one family member, the likelihood of kids having questions about family estrangement is pretty high. Check out our model of this conversation in our children’s book Penny McGee’s Family Tree: Talking to kids about estrangement. You can do this!

Four Tips to Heal from Estrangement with Your Adult Daughter

As a mother, you never imagine that your adult child is going to stop talking to you. To experience estrangement from your child is unbelievably painful. And for many parents, they report feeling bewildered and confused as to why estrangement came to be. The good news is that folks are sharing that reconciliation is possible. There are authors who have dedicated books and blogs to helping parents navigate this experience and support their desire of coming back together. Although there’s no exact formula that guarantees reconciliation, there are a few things to consider from what we know now from the adult child’s perspective.

First, what are your reasons for wanting reconciliation with your adult child? Getting curious about your responses to the following questions can shed light on your healing journey from estrangement as a parent.

1. Why do you want to reconcile? 

Being honest with yourself is the first step. Do you want to repair the relationship? Do you want to feel heard and validated in your choices? Are you looking to get even? Do you want a relationship with your grandchildren? There are any number of reasons why a parent wants to reconcile, and being prepared with a response for yourself and your estranged adult child should they ask would be an important first step.

2. What are your expectations of the reconciled relationship? 

As humans, it’s not uncommon to hear folks say they want everything to go back to the way it was, or to start over, both of which would be problematic for the estranger/adult child who made this choice reflecting that something wasn’t right. Going backward or to sameness would be a significant issue for them. What do you want the reconciled relationship to look like? Recognize that the relationship could be better or worse, but most likely just different. 

3. What steps will you agree to for reconciliation? 

As you attempt to reengage your adult child, what offerings or compromises can you accept? Are you open to phone calls to start? Are you willing to have a relationship with your daughter-in-law but not speak to your estranged son? Are you pursuing a relationship with your grandchildren, even if it means you aren’t on speaking terms with their mother? Knowing your own boundaries in the reconciliation process will help both you and your adult child navigate the testing phase of reconciliation. 

4. What can you take responsibility for? 

In other words, have you done your own reflection of what happened? Are you prepared to accept your adult child’s accusations and avoid arguing? Can you clearly name the offending actions prior to estrangement being pursued? Are you clear on the priority being repairing the relationship over determining whose memories of events are right? 

Which leads us to the second aspect of healing from estrangement and improving the possibility of reconciliation with your adult child. In serving hundreds of women over the years in therapy, I’ve heard from many of them that they are seeking the three “A”s: Acknowledgment, Apology, and Action. 

Acknowledgement

Adult children are asking for acknowledgement from their parents that things weren’t always perfect in their childhood. What feels tricky for parents is the fear that if they acknowledge they’ve made mistakes, that it means they are a bad parent. Not true! How can you acknowledge you were human? That you would do things differently now? We can’t change the past, but being present with your adult child now can be the start of the healing journey towards reconciliation.

Apology

Are there pieces worth apologizing for? What could your apology sound like? What tone? It’s understandably difficult to feel neutral in the face of your adult child’s charged emotions about your relationship with them. Some adult children will express anger or rage. Parents, in their own hurt, can respond in defensiveness. How can you remain present and authentic in your apology? Does it help you to soften by remembering that your adult child’s expression of emotion shows that they are hurting?

Action

What steps can you take to work on yourself and the relationship with your adult child? Does it mean going to therapy, working with a coach, or engaging a mentor? Is it about initiating family therapy with your adult child if they are ready to engage in that way with you? For so many parents, doing your own work is important to your own healing, regardless of if reconciliation is possible. 

Imagine that both you and your adult child have gaping wounds on your body. You are both raw, hurt, and bleeding. That’s what estrangement feels like. The process to heal an injury like this takes intention action, insight, and time. You can heal yourself and support your adult child’s healing. They deserve to get to know you as the person you are today.

Community Support of Someone Who is Estranged

How do we respond to someone who shares they are estranged from family? Imagine you’re at a work dinner attempting to make polite conversation, so you embark upon the topic of family. Instead of it being a neutral topic as you hoped, you watch the person across from you start to shut down, get angry, or fight tears. Or perhaps you are in the process of getting to know a new dating partner who shares that they are estranged and you don’t know what to ask or say next! Conversations about family can be tough for all parties in an estranged relationship. Let’s explore some common questions and experiences for support persons of adult children who are estranged. 

For Partners 

Recognizing how painful the process of estrangement can be for your loved one, here are some things to consider as the compassionate partner or spouse of a person who has experienced a relationship rupture with their parent. 

1. Know That the Holidays Can Be Heavy
Holidays are challenging for folks for a variety of reasons. This might include family conflict, death, trauma anniversaries, and toxic relationships. If your partner is not currently connected to family but is subjected to movies, advertisements, and events catered to holiday family fun, they can experience additional or elevated grief and loss. 

2. Recognize That the Body Remembers
Trauma events have a way of sticking with us, not just in our memory but at a deeper, cellular level as well. Clients I’ve served weren’t actively recalling these events, but their body remembered and responded by recreating some of the emotions or sensations associated with the trauma. 

3. Acknowledge Cultural Expectations of Family
In addition to holidays being heavy, a cultural expectation of the importance of family can increase your loved one’s feelings of shame or guilt about their estrangement from their mother. Cultures that emphasize family over individuals can bring up self-doubt in your loved one about not trying hard enough to repair the relationship, or can intensify feelings of failure that they weren’t successful in healing the relationship with their mom. It’s important to recognize how every day, normed portrayals of family can be triggering for your loved one in not having that expected dynamic. 

4. Follow Your Partner’s Lead
When walking into a scenario where discussions of family systems or dynamics come up, allow your partner to lead the conversation. Support them in their decision to disclose as much or as little as they need to in order to interact with others in ways that feel safe to them. If they decide to not disclose their estrangement, they have their reasons. If they choose to name their current status as an adult estranged from a parent, that’s their choice too. 

5. Ask, “What Do You Need?”
When your partner or loved one finds themselves triggered by people, places, media portrayals, or memories, there is one powerful question you can ask them as their partner. Couples’ therapists would agree with me when I say this question has saved relationships! Try asking your loved one, “what do you need?” Or ask, “what do you need in this moment?” These questions can be especially helpful because they give your partner permission to advocate for what might help them best.

6. Encourage Chosen Connections
As a partner, it’s not expected that you be the one and only support person to your loved one. It’s not fair to them and it’s not healthy for you. Therefore, it’s recommended that you encourage your partner to develop additional healthy relationships, including some with parental figures if appropriate. By exploring and building their support network alongside them, your loved one will feel they have options without over-relying on any one person, including you. 

For Siblings
A strained relationship between parent and adult child can ripple out to siblings as well. Siblings may feel that they are caught in the middle, wanting to please both parties and maintain connection to both. Or they could feel pushed to choose sides, aligning with one and becoming estranged from the other as a natural consequence. Should you choose to walk the delicate line of maintaining relationships with both your parent and your sibling, here are some ideas to keep your boundaries healthy with both. 

1. Don’t Share What They Share
The urge to report back on what your parent is saying about your sibling is strong. However, this information can be very hurtful to your sibling, who is attempting to achieve a clean break from that relationship. Your disclosures can intentionally or unintentionally keep the trauma cycle alive by giving them a play-by-play of what your parent is saying. The reverse is also true, where you share what your sibling is saying or doing with a parent who is estranged. Not only does this keep the wounds raw for your parent, who is trying to grapple with feelings of abandonment and rejection within their family system; your sibling may feel betrayed by your sharing of information they believed was shared with you in confidence. 

2. Don’t Attack Their Character
When a sibling or parent attempts to vent to you about the estrangement, it’s not uncommon for them to want you as an ally. This is not an invitation to attack the character of the other party. Allow your loved one to vent without taking sides. It is also not your responsibility to defend either side or their choices that resulted in estrangement. 

3. Attempt to Remain Neutral
Recognizing that you may only see one piece of the puzzle in the conflict between parent and sibling, attempt to remain neutral around the details of the estrangement. Even if you were raised alongside your sibling and feel that you witnessed all the same events, trauma cements different memories for different people. Your experience is not their experience. Arguing or defending one perspective as the “true perspective” will result in further distance from your sibling if you aren’t careful. 

4. Reflect Their Emotions
Instead of getting caught up in the details, remain focused on your sibling’s emotions. By reflecting their hurt, anger, or outrage, you keep the focus on them and their needs rather than the details of the conflict. They may disclose a variety of emotions, all of which are valid. Acknowledge without attempting to minimize or negate their emotions. Statements such as “I can see how that hurt you,” or “I hear how painful this is for you,” can indicate that you are listening with compassion. 

5. Don’t Be a Mediator
It’s a delicate balance of empathy and compassion when listening to your sibling speak of the estrangement. You are at risk of triangulation in being connected to both your sibling and your parent, and you will want to avoid being the messenger between both parties. You may find yourself taking on the role of mediator in wanting them to reconcile. The desire to reconcile is yours to own. Avoid allowing hope to push you into the “fix- its” where you attempt to repair the relationship for them. 

6. Have Your Own Support
You are human and the desire to have an intact, healthy family is natural. However, watching your family members go through an estrangement can take its toll on you as well. Consider having your own support outside of your family. This could be a mentor, mental health professional, or friend who can re- main neutral to your circumstance while allowing you to speak of the estrangement’s impact on your life. A counselor or therapist can take this a step further by introducing new coping skills that allow you to understand and adapt to your current situation. 

For Friends and Community Members 

Friends, colleagues, mentors, and community members may also be looking for guidance on how to best support a person in their social sphere who is estranged. Consider the following dos and don’ts. 

DO 

1. Encourage new holiday traditions like Friends-giving in lieu of traditional Thanksgiving. 

2. Remain compassionate to triggers in conversations about family.

3. Respect their choice to be estranged.

4. Follow their lead on whether they want to talk about the
estrangement or not.

5. See them as a whole person, not just estrangement.

6. Listen when they choose to talk about their family.

7. Encourage healthy, supportive relationships with others.

DON’T 

1. Push them to attend family gatherings that would make them feel unsafe.
   

2. Argue with them to reconcile because “they might regret it!”
   

3. Assume the reasons for their estrangement.
   

4. Label them selfish, impulsive, or manipulative for choosing
   estrangement.
   

5. Shame them because “family comes first.”
   

6. Attack the character of their estranged parent, thinking it’s
   helpful.
   

7. Expect them to reconcile when estrangement may be
   permanent.
   

Each estrangement comes from unique and personal circumstances for both adult child and parent. It can’t be emphasized enough how important it is to realize that the decision to be estranged isn’t an easy one to make. As a support person, attempt to set aside your own thoughts or opinions on the matter, in order to be fully present and compassionate for the person who has chosen estrangement in support of their own safety, survival, or mental health. Check your biases at the door and ask what would help them most in this moment. If you stumble and offend them, apologize. You are human first and can make mistakes. Pay attention to their body language and ask for feedback on how you can remain a valued support to them in this difficult process. By being genuinely caring and curious about their experience, you are conveying an important message of connection in an otherwise stigmatized existence of estrangement. 

Navigating Family Estrangement for Men and their Partners

For men, estrangement may bring up feelings of resentment, outrage, or anger versus the traditional emotions of sadness, guilt, and shame in women. This could be in part due to men not feeling the same kind of pressure to win their mother’s approval or be in helpful or caregiving roles to parents the way women are expected to be. The common expectation for men is that they will grow apart from their mothers in seeking partners and creating families of their own. Estrangement can occur for various reasons, including financial strain, relational conflict, mental health, and trauma. It’s important to recognize that men may choose estrangement because of partners or spouses as well. Perhaps the partner or spouse is encouraging a man’s estrangement from his mother in believing the mother-son relationship is unhealthy. A man may pursue estrangement if his family does not approve of his spouse, feeling that he must choose between them. He may justify estrangement for this reason, stating he no longer wants to hear the criticisms or slights he perceives are being made against his spouse or partner by his mother or both parents. 

A final area to emphasize is a gender difference observed by Agllias (2016) in her research on estrangement. Men and women respond differently in how they move toward acceptance of estrangement. Women tend to be more emotive in order to grieve and process the loss associated with estrangement, whereas men are more likely to respond with problem solving and intellectualizing what happened, in order to help them move on from an estranged relationship. There is also a societal expectation that men will “get over” things more quickly than women, which could include relationship rupture. As a support person, be sure to honor their experiences and meet them where they are, just as we would any person going through the process of estrangement. Asking clarifying questions and helping them connect with their emotions can be impactful in helping men heal. 

Helping Your Partner

Recognizing how painful the process of estrangement can be for your loved one, here are some things to consider as the compassionate partner or spouse of a person who has experienced a relationship rupture with their mother. 

1. Know That the Holidays Can Be Heavy
Holidays are challenging for folks for a variety of reasons. This might include family conflict, death, trauma anniversaries, and toxic relationships. When it comes to estrangement, the cultural expectation of holidays being focused on family can feel ostracizing to an estranged person. If your partner is not currently connected to family but is subjected to movies, advertisements, and events catered to holiday family fun, they can experience additional or elevated grief and loss. 

2. Recognize That the Body Remembers
Trauma events have a way of sticking with us, not just in our memory but at a deeper, cellular level as well. As a therapist, I’ve had dozens of clients over the years come into sessions reporting they felt symptoms of depression, dread, anxiety, or loss seem- ingly out of the blue and couldn’t pinpoint why. When I asked them if there was any significance to the season, month, or day, oftentimes they would identify a trauma they hadn’t consciously tracked, but that still had a tremendous impact on them, such as a family member’s death, a car accident, sexual assault, suicide, or natural disaster. They weren’t actively recalling these events, but their body remembered and responded by recreating some of the emotions or sensations associated with the trauma. 

3. Acknowledge Cultural Expectations of Family
In addition to holidays being heavy, a cultural expectation of the importance of family can increase your loved one’s feelings of shame or guilt about their estrangement from their mother. This occurs because of messages about the importance of family such as “family comes first,” or accusations of adult children being self- ish and dishonoring their family by straying from their family’s values or sphere of influence. Additionally, your loved one might interact with a person who reiterates these messages, arguing that they should reconcile with their mother or risk significant regret, such as when their mother dies. Cultures that emphasize family over individuals can bring up self-doubt in your loved one about not trying hard enough to repair the relationship, or can intensify feelings of failure that they weren’t successful in healing the relationship with their mom. It’s important to recognize how every day, normed portrayals of family can be triggering for your loved one in not having that expected dynamic. 

4. Follow Your Partner’s Lead
When walking into a scenario where discussions of family systems or dynamics come up, allow your partner to lead the conversation. Support them in their decision to disclose as much or as little as they need to in order to interact with others in ways that feel safe to them. If they decide to not disclose their estrangement, they have their reasons. If they choose to name their current status as an adult estranged from a parent, that’s their choice too. Showing up in solidarity for whatever response might come next from others will help your loved one feel sup- ported by you, especially if the other person’s response is unsympathetic, argumentative, or unintentionally hurtful. 

5. Ask, “What Do You Need?”
When your partner or loved one finds themselves triggered by people, places, media portrayals, or memories, there is one powerful question you can ask them as their partner. Couples’ therapists would agree with me when I say this question has saved relationships! Try asking your loved one, “what do you need?” Or ask, “what do you need in this moment?” These questions can be especially helpful because they give your partner permission to advocate for what might help them best. Perhaps they want a hug or to be left alone. Maybe they want to brainstorm or are asking for your help to fix things. Oftentimes, they actually just want to vent by expressing their thoughts and emotions in ways that leave them feeling seen by you as someone they trust. 

6. Encourage Chosen Connections
As a partner, it’s not expected that you be the one and only support person to your loved one. It’s not fair to them and it’s not healthy for you. Putting all of our needs on one person is a recipe for disaster because it can result in inequality, resentment, codependency, and burnout. Therefore, it’s recommended that you encourage your partner to develop additional healthy relationships, including some with parental figures if appropriate. Similar to folks who describe their chosen family as people who love and respect them, can your loved one cultivate this kind of relationship with another mother-like or father-like figure? Can they lean on friends, colleagues, mentors, or family members as needed? Chosen connections such as these can have healing qualities for an estranged person. By exploring and building their support network alongside them, your loved one will feel they have options without over-relying on any one person, including you.

We encourage you to take a deeper dive into the thoughts, feelings, and decisions of nine women who pondered the difficult decision to cut ties with their mothers in our book Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships: Guiding the Adult Daughter’s Healing Journey through the Estrangement Energy Cycle and access all our therapeutic tools for adult daughters available for download at estrangementenergycycle.com.

Four Signs of Readiness to Reconcile with your Estranged Adult Child

You want to reconcile with your adult child, so what do you need to consider or do to make that happen? What needs to be in place for efforts to reconcile to be successful? Let’s take a look at four aspects that might support your process of re-engaging your adult child.

1. Identifying Readiness to Reengage

Consider the following tough questions regarding your readiness to reconcile with your adult child:

1. Why do you want to reconcile? Being honest with yourself is the first step. Do you want to repair the relationship? Do you want to feel heard and validated in your choices? Are you looking to get even? Do you want a relationship with your grandchildren? There are any number of reasons why a parent wants to reconcile, and being prepared with a response for yourself and your estranged adult child should they ask would be an important first step.
   

2. What are your expectations of the reconciled relationship? As humans, it’s not uncommon to hear folks say they want everything to go back to the way it was, or to start over, both of which would be problematic for the estranger/adult child who made this choice reflecting that something wasn’t right. Going backward or to sameness would be a significant issue for them. What do you want the reconciled relationship to look like? Recognize that the relationship could be better or worse, but most likely just different. 

3. What steps will you agree to for reconciliation? As you attempt
   to reengage your adult child, what offerings or compromises can you accept? Are you open to phone calls to start? Are you willing to have a relationship with your daughter-in-law but not speak to your estranged son? Are you pursuing a relationship with your grandchildren, even if it means you aren’t on speaking terms with their mother? Knowing your own boundaries in the reconciliation process will help both you and your adult child navigate the testing phase of reconciliation. 

4. What can you take responsibility for? In other words, have you done your own reflection of what happened? Are you prepared to accept your adult child’s accusations and avoid arguing? Can you clearly name the offending actions prior to estrangement being pursued? Are you clear on the priority being repairing the relationship over determining whose memories of events are right? 

Several authors say reconciliation is possible by owning your behavior and acknowledging your adult child’s experience. Although it’s tempting, arguing about the accuracy of their memories of trauma or abuse isn’t helpful. This is their experience as they know it. Even though you may remember something completely different, arguing about what happened will further drive the wedge between you and your adult child. Instead, consider family therapy. Consider focusing on the future instead of the past. Be accepting of their hurt and resulting caution in wanting to take it slow to see if the relationship is mendable. Be prepared for tests from them to determine your truthfulness and authenticity. Several authors emphasize that reconciliation can take years. 

2. Pinpointing Parent Dynamics 

What about when one parent is still talking to their estranged adult child. Is this a good idea? In my experience, it’s rare to have one parent in contact with their estranged adult child because of the assumed unification between parents who are still in a committed relationship with one another. Your estranged child might worry that their information will be shared with the parent they are choosing not to be in contact with. The experience of one parent being talked to by an estranged child may be more common with divorced parents because your lives are separate. In this situation, an adult child might feel it is safer to connect with one parent without the risk of information being shared with the other without their consent. 

3. Recognizing Shared Grief 

It may be difficult to imagine that your adult child is experiencing their own grief and loss reaction in response to the estrangement, but they are. Although they may look calm, even relieved, Agillas (2016), author of Family Estrangement: A Matter of Perspective, shares that survey respondents indicate similar grief responses and symptoms to the shared estrangement status, including anticipatory grief when considering the decision to estrange, and post-traumatic stress symptoms for weeks or months after. Adult children report symptoms of sadness, helplessness, anger, and shock when choosing estrangement. Unlike grief and loss as the result of a family member’s death, there isn’t a sense of finality or closure when it comes to grief associated with estrangement. This experience of grief emphasizes how difficult the decision to become estranged from a parent can be, especially when the adult child indicates they are having to choose between several hard choices to protect their physical or mental health. 

4. Supporting Self-Awareness 

A significant part of reconnecting with your adult child or healing and moving toward acceptance of the estrangement is doing your own work. How can you gain clarity on the parts you played in the relationship rupture? What contrasting evidence do you have for healthy familial relationships? Where can you bridge the gaps to show up as your healthiest, authentic self for possible reconciliation? What reframes can you discover in the estrangement to help you heal? Agllias (2016) describes the pursuit of enhanced self-awareness as a critical part of the process of learning how to live with estrangement. Although we can’t predict the final outcome of your efforts, the hope is that any self- awareness work you complete will benefit you at this stage of your life, regardless of the final relationship status with your adult child. 

Another strategy to consider in your own estrangement healing is to recall the positive qualities or memories of your adult child’s younger years. Although you may not be speaking at present, which is incredibly painful, can you feel more connected to them by recognizing the values you both share? For one family I spoke to, the shared value was a never-wavering commitment to their spouses, regardless of what their family members thought of them. Instead of focusing on being angry that they were not on speaking terms, the parent was able to uncover respect for their adult child who had conveyed a strong message of loyalty and commitment to their partners or spouses, in response to scrutiny or judgment by the family. With some time and space, this parent found themselves admitting this response was admirable because they, too, would feel compelled to defend and align with their spouse as well. 

As a parent of an estranged adult child, you are riding waves of uncertainty on if reconciliation with your adult child is possible. Fortunately, there are several books available to take a deeper dive into the reconciliation process or that focus on healing from permanent estrangement with your adult child. Check out the following books written for parents: 

• Rules of Estrangement by Joshua Coleman (2021);
  

• Done with the Crying by Sheri McGregor (2016); and
  

• Estrangement of Parents by Their Adult Children, revised second
  edition by Sharon Waters (2019).
  

Your efforts to reflect and grow from the estrangement can be empowering, while also supporting reconciliation efforts with your adult child should they choose to reengage you to explore repairing the relationship. Although we can’t predict your outcomes, we do believe reconciliation is possible if both parties come in with authenticity, communication, and open hearts.

The Human in the Helper: My plans went so sideways

Christie is a mom, published author, therapist, and creator of The Partnerhood, a digital community for supportive parenting strategies and connection. It’s creation is partly inspired by her own journey into motherhood of two children. “Both times rocked my world in different ways,” Christie named. The first time was marked not only by a traumatic birth experience, but also by undiagnosed postpartum anxiety and having no network of local support outside of one friend and her husband. She spoke of the experience of becoming a mother in isolation and with limited support, something many mothers can understand from their own, similar experiences. In addition to a traumatic birth experience with her first child, Christie identified that starting her private practice while pregnant wasn’t an easy task. “I wouldn’t recommend it,” she teased. “It was like having two babies at once.”

Her second child was born in November 2019, with COVID following close behind. “I felt like I started off with a strong plan. I had recently gained more friendships with other moms, was in a good place mentally, my business was flourishing, but after only a few weeks into getting my daughter into daycare, everything shut down. I felt so isolated. It threw me into a deep depression.” Christie shared how the pandemic took away her already limited support network and left her home by herself with her two young kids. “My husband was able to leave the house every day for work, almost like normal. Meanwhile, I was thrown into homeschooling a kindergartener, seeing clients virtually, and caring for my baby.” Her depression symptoms deepened to the point where she was experiencing suicidal thoughts and wanted to give up. “I started looking for a therapist, but had little luck.”

Christie identified how difficult it was to find a therapist at that time because it was the height of COVID-19 in 2020, when many folks were looking for support. “I even called the crisis line, knowing I needed to talk to somebody.” She was finally able to start working with someone, although it was a process to feel more like herself again. “I was resentful. I was ragey with my kids. I had to ask myself, what do I need?”

Working on her needs post-pandemic included prioritizing external supports and including regular meetups with friends, quiet time to herself, therapy, and activities like yoga, hiking, and reading. Many parents can relate to the effort of taking care of themselves as well as their families, and learning how to juggle it well. “I don’t like the word ‘balance’ because it still symbolizes piling things on to get it all done. You can technically ‘balance’ a really heavy load, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy. I prefer ‘work-life harmony’ instead,” Christie shared.

What is work-life harmony? Christie describes it as taking care of ourselves, our loved ones, and our businesses with a grounded satisfaction that leads to feelings of happiness and fulfillment. Having solid supports and self-care are part of this equation for Christie, who said, “Parenting is hard. Having a solid foundation of support makes a huge difference.”  She hopes others will cultivate supports as part of their own mental health and wellness journey, and she has plans to re-launch The Partnerhood as another avenue of support and connection for other overwhelmed parents. “Loneliness is magnified without support and quality support eliminates isolation.”

Things happen to us as humans, even as we support our clients as professional helpers. Do you have a story you want to share the mental health community? Email us at croswaitecounselingpllc@gmail.com to learn more about the Human in the Helper Series!

Five Reasons Adult Children are Choosing Estrangement from their Parents

A common theme I see online is bewilderment by parents who find themselves estranged from their adult children. They report feeling confused, hurt, or angry by their adult child’s choice, and indicate they aren’t sure why the estrangement happened. Although each adult child’s circumstances are uniquely their own, here are five reasons adult children might make the difficult and oftentimes emotional choice to estrange from their parent(s).

1. Attachment Trauma 

Attachment trauma is a common theme I’ve witnessed in my work with various adult women in therapy who are considering estrangement from a parent. I’ve sat across from women who’ve expressed how they wanted to believe that they deserved to be loved unconditionally by their mothers. They desperately wanted the support, love, and protection of their mothers when they were young, and continued to question why they weren’t “good enough” to earn love and safety when they needed it most. As we can imagine, this can contribute to the Type 2 Helpers of the Enneagram, with women seeking to be the most helpful or thoughtful of others to earn the love, affection, or admiration they’ve missed in childhood. Gibson (2015) describes this type of person seeking love and affection in adulthood through people-pleasing as an Internalizer. Internalizers put the needs of others before their own and seek validation from outside sources. This can be especially damaging when paired with emotionally detached mothers or mothers who are the perpetrators of abuse. 

2. Trauma

How about traumas of other kinds? It’s important to emphasize how trauma is defined by the person who experienced it, meaning it is not our job (or a parent’s job) to classify what is and is not trauma. When experiencing a traumatic event in childhood, does the adult child feel they were supported and protected by their parent? Was the parent present and reassuring in ways that helped a child discover resilience after the fact? What if the trauma happened at the hands of their parent? What if trauma was the result of a parent’s struggle with mental health challenges or addiction? What if they were the perpetrator of abuse?

3. Abuse 

Significant or repeated abuse may increase the likelihood of estrangement in adulthood. Dr. Kylie Agllias, author of Family Estrangement: A matter of perspective (2016) identified how abuse situations can contribute to a child’s feelings of instability within the home, including lack of safety and messages that indicate devaluing their role within the family system. There are five types of abuse to remain aware of when exploring the factors of estrangement: 

physical abuse

sexual abuse

verbal abuse

emotional abuse

financial abuse.

Physical abuse includes acts of violence or discipline that cause physical harm, such as hitting, kicking, pinching, pushing, slapping, grabbing, punching, or throwing objects at another person. There is a real possibility of leaving a mark from these acts, in addition to delivering messages of low value and self-worth for the recipient.

Sexual abuse involves unwanted sexual contact, oftentimes with perpetrators using force, manipulation, or threats against individuals who do not or cannot give consent. 

Verbal abuse describes weaponized words that are repetitive, cruel, and critical in nature. This can include insults, ridicule, humiliation, and put-downs that are meant to hurt or create negative beliefs and experiences for the targeted individual. Emotional abuse comes in a variety of forms, making it the most difficult to hold perpetrators accountable for because of discrepancies in how it can be measured. 

Emotional abuse embodies a series of words or behaviors that are meant to coerce, manipulate, or exercise power and control over another person. This could include gaslighting, minimizing, and scapegoating.

Financial abuse has been added to the list of abuse types because of the equally emotional and physical toll it can take on the victim. Financial abuse describes the withholding of finances, limiting the victim’s ability to access funds, concealing money or assets, or demanding paychecks be turned over to the perpetrator due to their desire to maintain control over money and thus the person. This effectively traps the person in a cycle of power and control and may reflect an adult child’s experience over an early childhood experience due to the nature of this behavior. 

4. Neglect 

Whether physical or emotional, neglect can contribute to avoidant attachment in childhood and an increased possibility of estrangement in adulthood. Physical neglect describes a parent who is absent from the home, such as one who abuses substances, a parent who pursues a new partner while leaving their kids at home by themselves, a parent who is incapacitated by chronic pain or frequent migraines, or a parent who had to work multiple jobs to put food on the table, as several examples. 

Emotional neglect can describe a parent who is suffering from serious mental illness such as chronic depression or crippling anxiety that prevents them from being present and attuned to their children’s needs. It can also represent a parent who is emotionally detached from their children, such as a mother who suffers from postpartum depression or a parent whose own trauma prevents healthy attachment due to them operating out of survival mode or having unmet needs of their own. The lack of meaningful connection can contribute to an adult child describing a childhood that was lonely, uncertain, and painful, making estrangement that much more possible due to them reporting detachment and distance from their parent(s) for years prior to enforcing estrangement. 

5. Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) 

In recognizing the mental and physical impact of abuse and neglect, it’s also important to acknowledge the long-term effects of trauma on children. The adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) study shed light on the significance of trauma and adversity within a family system, including its impact on children who developed greater risks for physical and mental health concerns as they aged. Conducted by Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), a relationship was identified between events that challenged a child’s sense of safety, stability, and bonding from birth to seventeen years of age, and the eventual development of chronic health conditions and increased mental illness that followed them into adulthood. 

Examples of events that would be categorized as an ACE include (Croswaite, 2021) 

• experiencing violence, abuse, or neglect; 

• witnessing violence in the home or community; 

• having a family member attempt or die by suicide; 

• substance misuse; 

• mental health problems; and 

• instability due to parental separation or household members
  being in jail or prison. 

While the number of adults reporting that they’ve experienced one or more ACEs in their childhood is growing, it’s important to remain mindful of the possible connection between negative childhood experiences and eventual estrangement. 

These five reasons capture the complexity and resulting relationship ruptures we know of between adult children and their parents. We encourage you to take a deeper dive into the thoughts, feelings, and decisions of nine women who pondered the difficult decision to cut ties with their mothers in our book Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships: Guiding the Adult Daughter’s Healing Journey through the Estrangement Energy Cycle and access all our therapeutic tools for adult daughters available for download at estrangementenergycycle.com.